Not Easy Being Green

What a year 2010 was for the New York Jets. They started from humble beginnings as one of the most underrated teams in the NFL, then transformed into a group of arrogant, pompous, egocentrics that grabs more national headlines than the Hilton sisters did in the early 2000's. The Jets endured a DUI arrest, a scandalous texting triangle, a sexual harassment case and relentlessly over-analyzed a handsome, Mexican bachelor for 6 months. 2010 sounds more like a season of the OC than a professional football campaign for the Jets (remind me again why I have season 3 on DVD). Recently, Rex Ryan's ability to put the 'foot' back in football has raised eyebrows and, once again, raised questions about the professionalism associated with the head coach and his staff. The upper management in New York is just starting to realize why background checks are an integral part of the hiring process in contemporary society. They are also simultaneously figuring out that despite what people say, judging a book by its cover is the best way to go about life in terms of making decisions about people. It is the foundation by which relationships are built. How many really ugly friends of the opposite sex do you have? Zero, right? Me too. So the Jets decided to buck societal norms to hire an overweight, foot-fetished nymphet who laces his everyday speech with licentious profanity. Sounds like they would have been better off putting Artie Lange in charge. Is he still unemployed?

With all the incidents that have surrounded the Jets this season, it seems like football has actually become the distraction in the soap opera taking place in the New Meadowlands. There aren't enough Mary J Blige Cd's in the world to convey the message of her single, "No More Drama", to the New York Jets. As fans, we are tired of hearing about it. I would rather watch a 3 hour documentary on the UCONN women's basketball team than see any more tidbits of coverage on the Jets and their flubbered forerunner. But with the Bears playing the Jets on Sunday, unfortunately it's inevitable. Normally, any time in which sexual preferences and personal fetishes are intertwined into NFL interviews, I'm all for it. Imagine if we could get insight into whether Jake Delhomme has ever actually slept with a woman? Or, think about finding out that Wade Phillips is fully interested in bondage? That's entertainment! Look at how much fun the Jets have sucked out of life--it's heartbreaking.

With all of that being said, it's obvious that I want nothing more than to watch the Bears steamroll the "other team" from the Big Apple this weekend. Not to mention, if the Jets lose, their season is virtually over. Personally, I would rather see the Jets season come to an end rather than halting world hunger. Let the Bears eat!

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is looking to rebound from the double defeat he suffered at the hands of St. Johns and the Dallas Mavericks earlier this week. For tonight, the Pulse Man is taking San Diego State on the moneyline over the Naval Academy.

Pick of the Day: San Diego State (-3) vs. Navy- SDSU, moneyline

Record:(41-30-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Purple Reign

Rodney Dangerfield is remembered by many for his notable contributions to comedy and television. In Caddyshack, you look back on the outrageous outfits and jokes he used while portraying Al Czervik, and can't help but laugh. For the much less casual Dangerfield fan, his role as Chester in the 1992 cult classic, Ladybugs, is cherished as comedy in its purest form. Few people can argue the impact that Rodney had on comedy, but his impression on Northwestern's 2010-2011 Men's Basketball season is now starting to make its presence felt. Dangerfield's famous tag-line, "I gets no respect, I tell ya", has thoroughly encompassed NU's 8-0 start to the season so far. Sure, their SOS (strength of schedule, not the Rihanna song) is still pretty high at 189, but they play in the Big 10. Ingeniously, Bill Carmody figured out that chewing a tough non-conference plate when the Big 10 is already loaded is going to end up resulting in 5 losses and 4,000 empty seats in Welsh-Ryan Arena for the conference opener. Instead, Carmody installed a schedule with 'who-gives-a-shit games' like Texas-Pan Am (isn't that also the name of an airline?), Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Long Island, knowing all too well that his team would already have to face an ACC opponent (ACC/Big 10 challenge), and a solid mid-major program (Creighton). By doing this, Carmody also established the fact that nobody will have seen Northwestern play more than once on live television before the conference season starts, further promoting his team's false potential as legitimate conference contenders. Savvy.

Trust me, there is no way the Wildcats finish the season in the top 4 of the Big 10 standings, but that's not a discredit to NU. The Big 10 is deeper this year than the wave pool at Magic Waters. Michigan St., Purdue, Ohio State and Illinois will all make the tournament as at large bids based solely on talent and reputation, but Northwestern has to sneak in through the screened-in porch before the tourney committee realizes who they're letting in. Northwestern is still the only major conference school to NEVER (forever? forever-ever? forever-ever?) make the NCAA tournament. If Rodney Dangerfield's "I get no respect" is there team slogan, the opening lines of CCR's catchy single, "Lookin out My Backdoor" should serve as their University's NCAA tournament selection rallying cry. Just read the opening lines:

"Just got home from Illinois, locked the front door, oh boy,
I've got to sit down, take a rest on the porch,
Imagination sets in, pretty soon I'm singin',
Doo da doo da doo, lookin' out my backdoor." CCR

If Northwestern beats Steve Lavin's St. Johns team in MSG tonight, the Mild-cats only have to knock off "The Mount" (Mount St. Mary's. Admit it, you thought it was a volcano) and they roll into conference play undefeated. That's 11 wins and 0 losses rolling into West Lafayette to test their mettle against the Boilers. Northwestern is also keeping the scorekeepers busy as they are currently averaging 81.5 PPG, which is good enough for 1st in the Big Ten during non-conference play. Are they good enough to end the year first place in the Big 10? No. But they just might be good enough to fill a slot in the country's most celebrated bracket for the first time in school history. Stay tuned.

As for Pick of the Day, I know the Pulse Man already has a pick on the table from yesterday, but in the words of Ernie Banks he figures "Let's play two!". In the spirit of all things purple and white (except for Queen Lattifah), the Pulse Man likes NU getting 3 in the Garden tonight against St. John's. Let the 3's fall like rain...purple rain.

Pick of the Day: Northwestern (+3) @ St. Johns- NORTHWESTERN

Record:(41-28-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Overachievers

Normally when you think of overachievers, you think of the slightly nerdy girl in your high school's Student Council that hung out at the teachers desk all period, and was dressed like she was auditioning to be in an Old Navy performance fleece commercial on a daily basis. That is all fine and good. But tonight, the overachieving 2010 Chicago Bears have been crowned as NFC North division champs! They've got a 5-0 division record heading into their final two games and have clinched a playoff spot. Granted, the Bears have caught some luck along the way, but they have no reason to apologize for their season thus far. Is it their fault the Vikings fell victim to the "Black QB/White RB/There's absolutely no way we win this game" curse? The Bears are the only team to have defeated Mike Vick when he makes it through an entire game, and have guaranteed themselves at least a split with the Packers--not too bad. Through all of the criticism, Jay Cutler has played his way through his first winning season as an NFL quarterback, and will be playing in his first career NFL playoff game come January.

Still, what feels best about the Bears securing the NFC North title Monday night was the way it must have tasted in Packer fan's mouths. The Pack were a highly touted preseason favorite to not only win the NFC North, but the NFC as a whole. ESPN's array of analysts all penciled them in as the Super Bowl representative for the NFC. They might not even make the playoffs! Our division rivals in Green Bay can now become comfortable next to Miller Lite, Megan Fox, and a decent personality in the "Overrated (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap)" column. They can blame it on the injuries, blame it on Mike McCarthy, or blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. It makes no difference to me. Nobody gave the Bears a shot (not saying that I did), but they found a way to weather the storm and play their way into the postseason. What else is looking up for the Bears may you ask? A better question is, what isn't? The other division favorite this year, the Minnesota Vikings, are without a quarterback, without a head coach, without a stadium, and will be watching "Without a Paddle" airing on TBS during the early months of 2011. I think the Lions season speaks for itself, so I won't even go there. Props on beating the Packers.

With the playoff clinching in the past. The Bears can now concentrate on devising a game plan to knock off the most arrogant team in the NFL, and their obnoxious head coach, Rex Ryan, who will without question be Trimspa's next ad campaign. Would it be sweet to knock off the Pack in Week 17 heading into the playoffs? Yea it would, but it doesn't really matter, we already clinched. Wisconsinites can add the season finale to the list of meaningless sporting events they've endured in their lives along with every single Milwaukee Bucks and Brewers game since 1998. Bear the eff down!

As for Pick of the Day, the only negative from Monday night's victory was that the Pulse Man lost his bet. I'm sure everyone who reads this must have been spitting nails. For tomorrow, the Pulse Man likes the new look Magic giving 3 to the Mavs in Orlando tomorrow.

Pick of the Day: Mavericks @ Magic (-3)- MAGIC

Record:(41-28-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Up In Flames

Illinois usually schedules an early season non-conference game in the UC for a few reasons. Primarily, Bruce Weber likely finds it beneficial for his team to play in an NBA-style arena, like the United Center, in order to prepare them for the venues they might be traveling to in March (i.e. Big Ten tournament, NCAA tournament). Secondly, I'm sure Bruce also likes the opportunity to showcase his team to Chicagoland Fighting Illini alums. And lastly, Weber probably jumps at the chance to get out of central Illinois for a few days, and frankly, I don't really blame him. Ironically, Illinois has always played well in their annual Chicago trip. They beat Gonzaga at the Madhouse a year ago, and so far this season, Illinois looked to be cementing itself amongst the Big 10's elite. But Illinois found itself committing the cardinal sin in sports Saturday afternoon in the Second City--never, under any circumstances, underestimate your opponent.

Behind the stellar play of Robo Kreps, whose name sounds like either a knock-off brand of Turtle Wax or a slight deviation from pop sensation Bruno Mars, the Flames upset the Orange and Blue 57-54, marking Howard Moore's first signature win as the leader of the Flames. In Illinois' defense, the game was only being televised locally on WCIU,which is normally only good for reruns of Hanging With Mr. Cooper, and it was a Saturday matinee affair against a low-level division 1 opponent, so you can partially understand why the Illini weren't revved up like they just heard a superb rendition of William Wallace's Braveheart speech. But Illinois looked sluggish from the get-go. Their guards were getting ripped like voided checks, and UIC built an early lead and really 'never let go'. At least someone was listening to Jack Dawson's final words in Titanic. Surely losing to UIC on a neutral court will be judged as a bad loss for Weber's Wonderkin, but it might just be exactly what the Illini need to snap them back into reality.

Going into the annual Busch Braggin' Rights game in St. Louis Tuesday, Illinois wont have time to lick their wounds. Sharing the court with them Tuesday night will be the 10-1 Missouri Tigers, who is a team fresh off hanging 116 points on Scottie Pippen's alma mater. Mike Anderson's Mizzou squad is long and athletic, which is why they have become so successful playing the mid-90's Arkansas "40 Minutes of Hell" track meet-style of basketball. The Tigers are currently sitting in the 13 spot in the national polls, just one spot behind Champaign's finest. This 'Braggin' Rights' game has everything you could ask for in a good rivalry game--two wildly talented, evenly matched teams, a neutral site, and a sponsorship from a below-average beer. What is this Nascar? Regardless, Tuesday's game should be the first meaningful event to happen in Missouri since Mark Twain's departure from the 'Gateway to the West'. I just hope Illinois shows up.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man picked another winner Sunday as Matt Ryan's play propelled the Falcons over the Seahawks. For Monday night, the Pulse Man likes the under in the Bears/Vikes Monday night showdown which is set at 33.

Pick of the Day: Bears @ Vikings, total points-33-UNDER

Record:(41-27-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Silas but Deadly

You can do just about anything in Dekalb, Illinois and go unnoticed. You can rob a bank, run a meth lab, or dress like Lil' Kim at the 1999 VMA's, and no one will bat an eyelash. If you don't believe me, ask Cindy Crawford, Dekalb High School's valedictorian in 1984. Or, ask Jacob Haish and Joseph Glidden, the co-inventors of barbed wire. They could drastically alter the development of the American West, but they needed to leave the limits of Dekalb County to be accredited for their achievement. Sadly enough, it took a school shooting in 2010 for NIU to break into the national media, which caused Dekalb to become an even less desirable place to spend four years of your life. Apparently, you can add dropping 28.3 PPG to the list of things that go unnoticed in the city on the banks of the Kishwaukee River. After a highly successful football season in 2010, NIU basketball is now making a claim as a force in the MAC conference, and has a legitimate NCAA Divsion 1 scoring title threat in Austin, Texas native, Xavier Silas.

As a high school senior, Silas opted to attend the University of Colorado-Boulder. Like most of Chicago's college-bound suburbanites, Silas was desperate to be a Buff because of the fresh powder, thin air, and readily available herb, brah. Of course. And again, like most of Chicago's college-bound suburbanites, he was out of the Rocky Mountain State just one year later as Colorado once again became only a destination his imagination could transpire while listening to the hidden tracks on the John Denver Greatest Hits CD. But Silas found something different in Dekalb than the average undergrad, he found a place to score (no pun intended to NIU sororities). I'm not going to sit here and say that NIU is making a decent case for being the best team in Illinois. They lost to Northwestern, Bradley and DePaul already, and only beat UIC by a bucket on Tuesday. So I guess you could pencil them in as a few points better than Wash U in St. Louis (shout out ZK). But, what the Huskies do boast is perhaps the best flat-out scorer in the Land of Lincoln. You don't believe me right? I'll prove it.

The "Silas Assassin" has racked up 25, 22, 34, and 40 points against his in-state rivals so far this season. For you non-Math majors, that's just above 30 every time he laces up against the likes of an Illinois sanctioned University. Is John Shurna a better shooter? Probably. Is Demetri McCamey a better player? Without a doubt. Am I qualified to answer either of the aforementioned questions? Absolutely not. All I know is, numbers can't lie, and Silas' stats are impressive. 28.3 PPG, 56% FG, 50% 3PFG, 90% FT. The dude can play, and apparently has a cheezy smile. Now, will all these points cause me to drive an hour into the armpit of I-90 to see Xavier play in the NIU Convocation Center? Let's just say the last time I went to NIU, I was 18, and saw an O.A.R. concert--there's no way I'm going back.

As for Pick of the Day, the 49ers failed to muster double-digit points behind Alex Smith (does this guy seriously still start?). If I were Singletary, I would trade the former #1 draft pick for a special teams reserve and a $20 gift-card to Bennigans (now out of business). For the weekend, the Pulse Man likes the Falcons giving 7 points in the City of Rain to the Seattle Seahawks.

Pick of the Day: Falcons (-7) @ Seahawks- FALCONS

Record:(40-27-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Roses are Red

If it were up to Stacey King, all we would know about Derrick Rose is that he could "go upstairs" and "he's from Chicago". Good, that only narrows it down to every resident of the third largest city in the Unietd States that resides in a two story building. Thankfully, we have the gift of the national media and basketball virtuosos like Tim Legler and Chris Mullin (great player, great haircut, awful analyst) helping us formulate the "Derrick Rose for MVP" campaign that has sprung so far this season. So far this year, D. Rose has compiled some Juwanna Mann-like numbers: 24.7 PPG, 8.3 APG, 4.4 RPG. Not to mention, Derrick is sporting a 42% clip from 3! I don't even think he shot 42% from the free-throw line in his one-year tour of Memphis. Regardless, Rose has been nasty. He's the driving force behind the current 8-game winning streak that the Bulls have in tact and is solidifying his name amongst guys like Paul, Deron, Nash, and Rondo as the best PG in the NBA. Did I mention he is only 26 months removed from being able to purchase his first Four Loko?

On Tuesday, when Derrick displayed his reckless abandon to the hoop that us fans all adore, he was catapulted into the air horizontally like Bucky Lasek (the only character I remember from Tony Hawk Pro Skater on Gamecube) on a warehouse half-pipe. For that solemn few seconds, the city held its breath and hoped Derrick Rose wouldn't break both wrists, stripping him of the ability to: 1) continue to dismantle Eastern Conference foes with his ball-handling wizardry, and 2)to effectively do the "Bossy" dance from the Kelis music video. All kidding aside, after I saw the replay I thought Derrick would for sure have sustained some sort of wrist injury, and as always, I was right. Although Derrick only received a sprain, all wrist injuries are painful. Think about how many daily tasks you need a healthy wrist to perform: writing, making 3 point turns.....other household tasks (wink, wink). Like big toes and A&W Root Beer, wrists are underrated. And the worst part about wrist injuries is, without rest, it's just going to linger like a single by the Cranberries in 1999.

I am alarmed mostly by this injury because Derrick's wrist directly coincides with his ability to make jumpers, which affects how the Bulls play, which affects whether or not the Bulls win, which ultimately affects Derrick Rose's chance of winning NBA MVP. I know this sounds like some sophomoric, meaningless flow chart from Lord of the Flies, but it's true. We know Derrick is not going to let himself take time off, and now with Joakim dressed in $32,000 pleated slacks on the Bulls bench, he's going to be asked to shoulder more of the burden, with one good wrist! Hopefully the Bulls can weather the storm and keep this current winning streak alive and well.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man completely underestimated how bad the Clippers really were. As the strolled into halftime with a 3 point lead Wednesday night, he was confident. Then, in the second half, the Clips couldn't reach the 20 point plateau in either quarter and they went on to lose by 15. Awful, awful basketball. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the over in the Chargers/49ers tilt in San Diego, which is set at 45. Get back on that horse and ride.

Pick of the Day: 49ers @ Chargers, total points-45- OVER

Record:(40-26-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Strong but Ferentz

What a difference a year makes. Last December, Iowa was prepping for Georgia Tech and the BCS, anxiously awaiting to be shipped (no pun intended) to the FedEx Orange Bowl. As an underdog, the Hawkeyes marched into Miami Gardens, outplayed Georgia Tech, and became college football's Midwestern media darling. Ricky Stanzi established himself as the most renowned Iowan since Ann Landers. His famous "Love it or Leave it" proclamation became the official soundbite of a middle-American 4th of July. Rural Iowa rejoiced in complete dental reconstruction, Iowa undergrads immersed themselves in $1.00 U-Call-its--the whole state relished in the gaiety. But with great success comes immense expectations, and the 2010 Hawks were no exception. With a great deal of notable players returning and a schedule catered to Kinnick Stadium, Iowa expected to compete for the Big-10 title. After all, they had arguably the best defense in the country, a 3 headed monster in the backfield, and an unflappable head coach. But, nobody in college football lived the "what goes up, must come down" fall from grace over the past year than this group of men in gold pants.

Today, somewhere in South Dakota, a fan-favorite of the 2009 Orange Bowl Champs, Brandon Wegher, is trying to find the misplaced bottle of a pre-marital newborn instead of the endzone. Strangely enough, reports say that Wegher will be both a Daddy and a Jackrabbit (South Dakota State) next season. For Jewel Hampton, his potential has always intrigued, but his ability has never amounted to much in the Iowa backfield. He has proven to be an explosive runner at times, but is also unfortunately saddled with Shawn Bradley's knees and a hankering for spending too much time at Johnson County watering holes; two things that have kept Jewel out of nearly 2 complete seasons at Iowa. Either way, like Wegher, he is also seeking a transfer. And lastly, after an impressive regular season in 2010, starting running back Adam Robinson has been suspended for the Insight Bowl for "conduct detrimental to the team" (one of my all-time favorite quotes). No one knows yet what Adam did, but I'm sure it wasn't serving too much soup to the Iowa City homeless or skipping practice to read books at local elementary schools. If you're still counting, we're at 3 inactives, 2 transfers, 1 suspension, 1 underage drinking ticket, and 1 child. Remember that 3-headed monster we talked about earlier? Now it looks like the Monstars in Space Jam before they got a hold of Muggsy Bogues and Larry Johnson's skills.

As if the problems at running back weren't enough, Kirk Ferentz has just been enlightened that his school's all-time leading wideout, and senior captain, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, has been pushing coke on campus like he's a modern-day George Jung. He was arrested last week for running a "drug house" after he was put up for adoption as an orphan because his mother had been an addict. Where does the acorn fall? Use some of your drug money to rent The Blind Side, Derrell! Oh, and good thing you told those cops that "you didn't want any trouble" when they seized your house. You have a plethora of amphetamines, a cocaine buffet, and a magnetic scale--you guys shouldn't have any trouble, don't worry about it. As a result, Johnson-Koulianos ended up in the last place Iowa's staff wanted to see him, the Johnson County Courthouse. He will undoubtedly be suspended for the Insight Bowl, and his draft stock will plummet, but hey, his name will live on in the phonebooks of Iowa undergrads who are in need of some 'booger sugar' for decades. I guess there's something to be said for that.

Even with all these recent allegations against the football team, Iowa struggled to perform to their potential even when the team was at full-strength this season. They got off to a fast start, but the heartbeaking loss to Arizona in the desert to an amp'd up Mike Stoops led them to waver from their path. Their highly-touted defense underperformed and Stanzi was simply asked to do too much throughout the season, resulting in a late-season burnout against Minnesota. Still, there is something to be said for the stoic Kirk Ferentz, and his highly respected Iowa football program through all of this turmoil. In most situations in the NCAA, the head coach would find a feasible explanation as to why DJK was pushing weight in his campus duplex or why A-Rob can't get it done in Intro to Acting 103. But, without much deliberation at all, Kirk kicks these guys to the curb faster than their baby mamas. He has to. With his own sons anchoring the Iowa offensive line, Ferentz has to hold everyone accountable to the same standard in order to keep the balance between corn-fed farmhands and city-quick position players in tact. In the end, Kirk cannot control the sexual exploits of his running backs, or the fact that his star flanker wants to turn his off-campus house into the Colombian drug cartel. But, he can control the way he reprimands them. By dismissing them from the team immediately like he always has keeps integrity close to the program. It might result in a loss in the Insight Bowl, but really, who cares?

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man seems to have conquered another frontier in betting in the NBA, more specifically, betting against the Minnesota Timberwolves. He currently makes more money off the T-Wolves road losses than he does at his actual job (no actual job). For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the Clippers getting 5 points on the road in Philadelphia. I know the Clippers are terrible, but the Sixers aren't exactly the 96 Bulls either. The Pulse Man bets it will be a battle to the end.

Pick of the Day: Clippers (+5) @ 76ers- CLIPPERS

Record:(40-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

1st Intermission

I went to a Milwaukee Brewers game followed by a Guster concert once when I was about 17. I wasn't really all that into the band, or the hippie-lettuce wielding, unshowered fan base that shared the venue with me that night, but a few good things came as a result of this experience. First and foremost, I got to cruelly castigate Ken Griffey Jr. by telling him he was bad at baseball (not true), and that his video games sucked (even further from the truth). Either way, he hit his first home run of the season that afternoon, proceeded to stare me down, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I had an actual effect on a pro sporting event. Then at the concert, as we permeated through clouds of 'gonja' smoke and walked past people attempting to eat their own dreadlocked hair, we realized that a band named "The Zamboni's" would be opening for Guster. At first, we thought The Zamboni's would be a fairly normal-looking, below average sounding opening band for Guster, a cult band with a modest following. Instead, they ended up being a group of guys from Hartford, still disgruntled about losing the Whalers to North Carolina (where nobody gives a damn about hockey), dressed in hockey sweaters and CCM helmets, singing only about the one sport that they truly love. They sang powerful ballads like, "I Wanna Drive the Zamboni of Devotion", "The Hockey Monkey" and "The Linesman's Daughter". Needless to say, the venue wasn't thrilled about the 45 miunte set that ensued at 'The Rave' that night, but I still think of these crazy kooks every time a hockey game reaches an intermission. And, with 1/3 of the Blackhawks' season in the books, what a better introduction into recapping the first period of the Blackhawks season.

After such a successful season a year ago, the Hawks started out the year about as comfortable at home as Neve Campbell in Scream. Because of this, Coach Q and the Blackhawks are talking less about defending the Stanley Cup right now and more about securing a playoff spot in the neck-deep Western Conference. In fact, the top 12 teams in the West are all huddled around the 8 spot like it's the bottom bar at Beaumonts during last call on a Friday night. We knew it wouldn't be easy for Toews and Co. this year with the target on their back every night, but the early season injury to Marian Hossa and the lingering health issues plaguing Patrick Kane certainly haven't made the beginning of the 2010-2011 season one for the books, unless of course those books are the team's early season medical charts.

The Blackhawks also had some chemistry issues at the beginning of the season this year and caused Quennville to re-shuffle his deck on a variety of occasions. Whether simply to play mind games with his players, or to actually increase productivity, the Blackhawks played like an unbalanced chemical equation during during certain games this winter because of the constant shifting. But, judging from my grade in Chemistry Sophomore year of high school, I have no idea what an unbalanced equation looks like, and I have a hard time deciphering good puck from a female gym class' floor hockey scrimmage, so who knows. Still, it doesn't take Barry Melrose to figure out that the Hawks games have been much closer this season. They're winning games by one goal margins instead of slamming the door hard on the opposition like they're an upset woman in a romantic comedy break-up scene. Something they became masterful at a year ago.

But, like Andy Dufresne says, and I have referenced before, "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." And, truth be told, the Hawks have been picking it up as of late. They found a guy with a Wolf "The Dentist" Stanson-like approach in John Scott and Corey Crawford has stepped in nicely and has rattled off a modest collection of wins between the pipes. Party Marty has been a disappointment thus far, giving up 6 goals again last night in a loss to the Avs. But, he's a veteran and has the capability to play himself out of a career-ending crisis. The chemistry will come for the Hawks, but with all the changes they made, it was inevitable that they would take some time to gel as a team. Give them a 5 game road trip, a cooler of Labbatt Blue, and a Canadian Stripper off of Craig's List and we'll be talking about how the team is once again on the same page. Until then, keep on hanging on.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man does it again. Ford Field was kind to the visiting New York Giants as they beat the Favre-less Vikings handily in the Motor City last night. Favre missed a start for the first time since 1992. That's a long time ago. Since then he endured 3 franchises, a retirement, a painkiller scandal, a sexting scandal, and several decapitation attempts--well done, Brett. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the Warriors giving 3 points at home against the T-Wolves. Have you ever seen a basketball game in Oakland? Me neither. But I'm sure it's entertaining.

Pick of the Day: T-Wolves @ Warriors (-3)- WARRIORS

Record: (39-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack Me

Frost

Em-bear-assing

I promised myself at a young age that I would never quote U2, under any circumstances. I believe that U2, and more specifically Bono fans, are the collective nerds of the universe. They're the type of people who drive around with the top down in their Chrysler Sebring when the temp is in the mid 70's, blasting the Joshua Tree CD at an outrageous volume. When you are stopped next to these people at a traffic light, you wonder how in the world this guy is married as he belts out the lyrics to "Where the streets have no name" at the top of his lungs like he's the next Josh Groban. Seriously, U2 sucks, and so do their fans. But, the only conceivable way to describe the Bears/Pats game from Sunday afternoon is through the lyrics of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday". After all, that's exactly what yesterday was for the NFC North division leaders.

"I can't believe the news today,
Oh, I can't close my eyes
And make it go away
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long, how long..." -U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday"-

At least it's not like we didn't see it coming. Belichick and Brady own the snow. For most athletes, the previous phrase would have serious cocaine-abuse undertones, but when aligned on the same sideline, these guys just simply don't lose when the turf is blanketed with powder. A lot of Bears fans were ecstatic about the forecast, mindlessly proclaiming that this occurrence of "Bears weather" would slow down the Pats potent offense and propel the Bears to a huge statement win against the best team in the AFC. Well, I guess if you cannot move the ball, tackle the punt returner, or keep the opposition's first half lead under 30 points, the weather is not rightfully "yours".

As Bears fans who could barely feel their extremities filed into Soldier Field yesterday, they had no idea what they were about to witness. They endured one of the coldest days of the year in order to see their hometown team play a competitive football game. Instead, they were paying guests to a game that had me watching Titanic on the Oxygen channel midway through the 3rd quarter. Almost instantly, the Patriots made it clear that they didn't lose much momentum from last week's dismantling of the Jets, and once again hung an insurmountable first half deficit on their opponent. Sunday's game proved to us that the Bears will continue to struggle in the snow without a running game. And with another date in Chicago as well as a meeting in Green Bay with the Packers in early January left on the schedule, the Bears certainly have their work cut out for them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least we didn't lose to a Drew Stanton led Lions team. Now that's just pitiful.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man's pick remains in tact from Friday (unlike the Metrodome). He still likes Eli Manning and co. to beat the Vikings at Ford Field tonight by more than a field goal.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Patriot Games

In anticipating Sunday's game between the Bears and Patriots, we can expect to see two teams who have proven themselves amongst the NFL's elite in 2010. It should come as no surprise that the New England Patriots, led by their GQ QB, Tom Brady, and their head coach Bill Belichick, who will likely dress for Sunday as if he just got done tossing around dumbells in his suburban garage, are pacing the AFC as they have done for most of the past decade. For the Bears on the other hand, in a more fly-by-night scenario, they lead the NFC North at 9-3 and are using their stout defense and the recently stellar play of their quarterback, Jay Cutler, as the catalysts for their own success. So, as a date with a dynasty looms on the horizon for Sunday afternoon, the Bears prepare for what will be the ultimate measuring stick for their football team. Do they belong with the frontrunners for the NFC Championship? Or, will their right-place, right-time performance so far this season fail to answer the bell this weekend resulting in the Patriots smacking another opponent across the face on nationally syndicated television. Remember: last time Cutler used a measuring stick, it didn't turn out well (just kidding, of course).

With all records aside, this matchup is much more than a 10-2 vs. 9-3, AFC vs. NFC battle; it is the ultimate quarterback dichotomy. For those of you who don't understand what a dichotomy is (Pulse Man), I'll do this in what they call, 'Layman's terms', although I admit, that expression has always sucked. I mean seriously, who the hell is Layman? I feel like he'd be the kind of guy that would lead me to do absolutely nothing by 'his' terms. Anyway, here's the deal: every football fan in America wants Tom Brady to be their quarterback and respect him, and his shoulder-lengthed lettuce to the hilt. In Cutler's case, even his city's own fans, the die-hards who are supposed to blindly defend him like he's cast in the whirlwind of a Salem witch trial, deride him like he just moved in on a girl that we just bought a drink. I admit, I'm absolutely, 100% guilty of this myself. But why? Is it because Brady has two rings, had arguably the best deep threat in the history of the NFL, and a mastermind head coach on his side? And we berate Jay Cutler for having never had a winning season, using a collection of return specialists for wideouts, and a head coach named after a Build-a-Bear? In most cases, I think we'd be pulling for Cutler over Brady, recalling the classic underdog mentality that is so popular in American sports. Think about it: Butler vs. Duke, Diamondbacks vs. Yankees in the '01 Fall classic, the Boise St. vs. Oklahoma 'Statue of Liberty' game...America loves this garbage! Now think about how many really big Jay Cutler fans you know. How many Chicagoans do you overhear flagging a cab on Wacker (I've never seen anyone flag a cab on Wacker, so I wouldn't know) saying, "Man, I love Cutler. He's my guy. If he throws 4 picks again tomorrow, he's still our quarterback." Don't kid yourself, it's not the picks. Favre threw the same amount of picks and I know two guys with Favre tats (true story, they're inked with #4's on their arms).

Even in their personal lives, we have given Brady the benefit of the doubt. Brady dated the down to earth, Bridget Moynahan, extensively in 2004, then she had his kid, named it after him, and then Tom left her and instead married a Brazilian supermodel named Gisele, and around the same time coincidentally became the spokesman for Gillete. Hmmmm....And for Jay, he only went out and got the lead starlet from every man's guilty pleasure (The Hills, of course. If you show me a guy who claims to have never watched an ep of The Hills, I'll show you a liar) and turned her into a Bears fan. Still, we continue to demean Cutler's footwork like he doesn't know more about playing the quarterback position than we do, and simultaneously call his diagnosis with diabetes a result of him being a 'chub'.

Maybe it's how both men carry themselves. How Brady will get up in a teammate's personal space, cuss him out, and then headbutt him after he throws him a 56 yard laser for a Touchdown on the next play. How Cutler will whimsically fling a laser down the middle of the field without Johnny Knox within a country mile, have it picked, ran back for 6, and the camera pans back to him casually jogging off the field like it's a Thursday rep against the scout team. The fact of the matter is, Jay Cutler will never be Tom Brady, and to be honest, I don't think he wants to be. On Sunday, just do yourself a favor and analyze both haircuts, and the men behind them before you choose your allegiance. I admire Brady just as much as the next guy for his passion, leadership, and his supermodel wife. But If you still side with Brady (I'm leaning towards it even after writing this), thank his publicist, his stylist, and again, his supermodel wife. Just don't thank Cutler.

As for Pick of the Day, with his inaugural Saturday 6 Pack campaign behind him, the Pulse Man has set his sights on the end of the NFL season. For this weekend, the Pulse Man likes the Giants to come out on top by more than 3 in Minnesota this weekend. Whether Favre plays or not, the Vikings still suck.

Also, special shoutout to Neal "The Wheel" Therrien for adding to Chicago Sports Noise facebook following. I hope this gets you some ass Neal. If anyone else wants a shoutout, suggest some friends to the facebook page and consider it done.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Slow-Play

As baseball's winter meetings continue, and high school semester progress reports continue to be inflicted upon America's youth, the South Siders have already made a splash in the American League. Kenny Williams and Ozzie Guillen, who the media portray as having the same relationship as Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men, are seemingly on the same wavelength as the Sox have extended contracts to both free-agent Adam Dunn, and team captain, Paul Konerko. Most skeptics are wondering, aren't they both first baseman? Well, yes. But Dunn can play the outfield...sort of. Aren't they both aging power hitters? Yes, but Konerko is coming off an MVP-like season, and although he is not getting any younger, he remains to be productive. And for Dunn, the only player in the league that has hit more home runs collectively in the past 5 seasons is going to be enshrined into Cooperstown as one of the best first baseman ever when he's through playing, so there. And lastly, aren't Dunn and Konerko arguably the two slowest guys in the league? Yes, you're absolutely right. Honestly, I could go into the Buehler YMCA steam room and find two old, half-naked geezers that can beat those two pro athletes in a foot race. But, nobody times you running around the bases after you yank a 2-1 fastball 420 ft. to left-center field. So, although the Sox will conceivably have to string together 3 consecutive hits to score a run in the middle of their lineup at times, these two sluggers will ultimately be worth the dough. I mean, they did the same thing with Thome, and everyone complained when he left. So be careful what you wish for Sox fans, the piano-backed first baseman platoon is back in full effect.

As for Donkey Dunn, there isn't a pro athlete more excited to be affiliated with a winning franchise than this guy. I seriously wonder what this 6'6'', 275 lb. whale's career record is. He first played for the Reds, where he lost at least 100 games a season and got so fed up with it, that he started striking out on purpose in order to end each game faster. Thus, setting the single season K record in 2001. Then, Dunn was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks for a right-handed pitcher/bullfighter named Dallas Buck, and two other prospects. While in AZ, he went on to have the lowest fielding percentage in the majors amongst left-fielders, which is an incredible feat considering some of the bumbling idiots that teams throw in left field on occasion. Recently, Dunn has been locked in baseball's basement in Washington D.C. with the Washington Nationals. When the most exciting day of your franchise's season comes on the morning of the amateur draft, something is going horribly wrong. And for Dunn, he left D.C faster than a bored 9-year old getting a tour of the Pentagon on a middle school field trip. Now blessed with a 4-year, $56 million contract with the Sox, Dunn can concentrate on what he does best--running up $15.00 tabs at Portillos and hitting bombs into the US Cellular Field stadium concourse 35 times a year. The best is yet to come Adam, have you ever had a cake shake? Trust me, I think you'd like it.

For Paul Konerko, the Sox virtually owed it to the guy to overpay his talents. Konerko has been nothing short of a Derek Jeter-like captain figure for the Chi Sox over his 11 year career there. While rumors swirled about whether Paulie was going to ditch 35th and Shields to catch rays in Arizona for his hometown team, the media was pessimistic that the higher-ups in the Sox organization would be able to sign the team's first baseman. Although Konerko turns 35 in March, the Sox recognized the All-Star season that he put together in 2010 and strapped him with a 3-year, $37.5 million deal that should see him to the end of his professional career. Paul Konerko's signing today makes Sox fans pleased that their slow-footed slugger can now chase down (no pun intended) Frank Thomas' 448 homers for the franchise lead in a White Sox uniform. And, most importantly, Paul's still "got a little Captain in him"--something that the White Sox would have had difficulty replacing.

As for Pick of the Day, after being in attendance for his betting victory Monday night, the Pulse Man likes BJ3 and the Milwaukee Bucks giving 1.5 to the Caucasian-laden Indiana Pacers squad in the Bradley Center for Tonight. Fear the Deer.

Pick of the Day: Inidana @ Milwaukee (-1.5)- BUCKS

Record:(37-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

4 Guys, One Game, One Promotion: BULLS/THUNDER 12-6-10

As I mentioned in yesterday's blog, the Pulse Man, Jack "The Body" Groot, Uncle Poklop,and myself were fortunate enough to attend the Bulls vs. Thunder showdown on the West Side Monday night, all made possible by my sister's boyfriend, one Douglas P. Wynn. From being a passenger behind the wheel in the Pulse Man's gold Trans Am as he nervously and impatiently navigated through Chicago traffic, all the way to seeing the look on The Body's face when he realized he wasn't going to be able to cash in on his free promotional Big Mac, the trip was a magical ride. But, in case you were wondering (I'm almost positive you aren't), here is how the night went down.

Pre-game drive: The group picks me up anxiously ready to let the journey begin. All four of us unemployed, all four of us optimistic. Three of us are dressed in Bulls t-shirts (Me: outdated Ben Gordon T-shirt jersey, Poklop: never before worn Lou Deng T-shirt jersey, The Body: a shirt his Mom bought him at Dick's sporting goods) and the Pulse Man has on a Blackhawks hooded winter jacket that was seemingly bought before the Clinton administration. We hop on 94 only to sit in traffic while curiously taking in the tremendous sights of the off-highway landscape of the northern suburbs. After a few miscellaneous comments on how much traffic is the armpit of big-city life, Uncle Poklop decides to make things interesting by opening the Twitter application on his newly purchased Droid phone. As most of us already know, UnclePdog (that's his handle) is awe-inspiring with the Twit-world at his fingertips. Acting solely on impulse, he decides to tweet at a young woman whom we attended high school with, but neither of us has ever spoken to, and confidently says "hey, me and @frostyaustin (my handle) have to speak at a clinic in East Lansing (where this young woman attends school) next Tuesday and was wondering if we could do #brunch." Of course, we all anxiously await a response from said girl which ultimately never comes. As we approach the area in which the UC is located, we decide as a group to not put ourselves in danger by occupying a car that is going to be parallel parked by the Pulse Man, and instinctively jump at the opportunity to each pitch in a 5 and opt for the closest spot next to the arena facilitated by a West Side drug lord. As we stroll to the will-call window to pick up the tickets that Doug said he would be leaving there, we encounter one small problem--there are no tickets left at will-call for us. Great thing to do to a prospective brother-in-law during the middle of December, Doug. Well played. After a short deliberation and a few mentions of hypothetical situations in which we never receive tickets, Doug meets us at the main entrance, hands us our tickets, and says "enjoy the game you f*#%-in dorks." What a nice guy?

Inside the stadium: As we make our way up the escalators at the 'Madhouse' to find our seats, we are all excitedly gitty considering none of us have attended a Bulls game since their disheartening team slogan was "Everything Can Change in the Blink of An Eye" after they traded Elton Brand for Tyson Chandler and a half-decades worth of losing seasons. We get to our seats in time to see the starting lineups, but also realize we did not get to the gate early enough to receive our complimentary Carlos Boozer bobble-head dolls. Who wants to see a pencil-thin chin strap on a plastic figurine anyways? I call it a blessing in disguise.

1st quarter: As the Thunder roll through the starting lineup introductions, the Pulse Man mercilessly booes Nenad Krstic as soon as he is introduced over the sound system, instantly prompting two middle-aged women one row in front of us to 'look back in anger' and panic as to where this ever-casual, always cordial, Douglas Wynn character may be for tonight's game. I make a comment to 'The Body' about Krstic's haircut, and how it is definitely amongst the worst in the NBA. Krstic proceeds to score the first 6 points of the game for Oklahoma City. Go figure. Also putting on a tremendous first quarter display was C-Booz, hitting a variety of nifty post floaters to contribute to the Bulls first quarter surge into the lead. He looked damn good running the ol' pick and roll with D.Rose too. Maybe this guy is ok minus his facial hair and self-inflicted injuries. Who knows? Midway through the 1st, Jack and I go to grab some grub from the concourse concession stand. I buy a pretzel, nachos, and a large diet and Jack opts for one of the tail-end slices of Connies pizza (much to his dismay) and a Bud Light. He compliments me with an "aggressive order" remark, mentions that his pizza was "less than he expected", and chalks it up as a concession mishap--not something he takes very lightly (no pun intended). Also in the 1st, a stadium "dance for your supper" promotion ensues during a Thunder timeout. When Michael Jackson pumps through the stadium speakers, 'Ad. Exec X' fails to impress the crowd and is showered with boos. Only to follow suit, his competitor, Insurance Salesman Y provides the same lame dance moves and is once again pooped on by a chorus of boo birds. The promotional staff decides that there is no contest winner and orders each man, stripped of his dignity, to return to his seat. Bulls lead 24-22 after 1.

2nd quarter- Uncle Poklop proclaims that he has never before worn his Lou Deng t-shirt jersey and fosters a Cam Newton-esque pay-for-play campaign in which he unzips his jacket a little more every time #9 gets a bucket. Lou has a productive 2nd frame and prompts Uncle Poklop into zipping down about half-way down at the break. This process was met with the same anticipation that Elizabeth Berkley's first nude seen was in Showgirls on VHS when you were at an 8th grade sleepover. Midway through the 2nd frame, an underpaid group of morons draped in McDonalds tracksuits come to our section wielding Bulls t-shirts like their the universal cure-all for AIDS, Cancer, and childhood obesity. They start chants, they race up and down the aisles, annoying the game's casual fans. The Body yells angrily "get a haircut and get the hell outta here" and the entire group soon retreats to a different section in the 300 level. Also in the 2nd, Kyle Korver ignites the Chicago offense with a pair of triples. The Pulse Man is excited because Korver is his favorite Bull. Uncle Poklop makes fun of his socks and knee-pads, that virtually show no skin on his entire lower body, and The Pulse Man backs Kyle with all of his heart. What a loyal guy. Bulls up by 5 at the jump.

Halftime: Two male Circus Ole performers covered in gold paint hold each other up in the air in the weirdest, most overtly sexual positions possible. The Body asks me "Is there any way they can make the circus more heterosexual? Why does it have to be two guys? Why do they have to use the splits a double-digit amount of times? And really, why do they have to be covered in gold paint?" I agree wholeheartedly and the conversation turns to who we expect to be our New Year's Eve make-out, like either of us really have any legitimate prospects.

3rd quarter: Honestly, probably the weirdest quarter. We decide to all enter the 50/50 whimsically on a team-oriented concept and promise that we will all split the money if we win (we are all 21 mind you, sounds like a deleted scene of Stand By Me). When approached with the hypothetical question, "What would you do with your $1,000?" Uncle Poklop responds:"Give my parents a check for one thousand, tell them to go on vacation and leave me alone for a month". At first, we weigh the pros and cons of this "wish". Then, we realize there are no pros considering Uncle's parents have no jurisdiction over his current life, and that they only share the same roof. We call Poklop nuts but he still insists that this is exactly what he would do. Pulse Man opts for the obligatory "stripppppp clubbbbbb" response. Meanwhile, the Bulls are putting together an impressive 3rd quarter, holding Durantula and the Thunder in check to a measly 18 3rd quarter points to the Bulls 29. In the closing minutes of the 3rd quarter, D. Rose splits a double team and goes up-and-under for an acrobatic layup, fostering ooohs and ahhhs from the UC crowd as the replay hits the stadium scoreboard. That cat can go upstairs. And to boot, D.Rose hits a half-court runner to end the 3rd. M-V-P, M-V-P chants make their way around the stadium. Jordan-like stuff for the youngster. 82-66 Bulls after 3.

4th quarter: Things start to get very interesting. Upon entrance to the game, everyone received promotional coupon booklets that state that if the Bulls score 100 points and win the game, that everyone in the stadium is entitled to a free Big Mac from McDonalds. And at 82 after 3 quarters, the Bulls look like a lock. Still reeling from his poorly approached concession stand trip in the 1st quarter, The Body becomes rejuvenated by the thought of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce,cheese, pickles and onions all on a sesame-seed bun. All four of us conceive the plan that due to The Body's excitement, we will all donate our free Big Macs to The Body's extending stomach. He is enthralled with joy. After a long-winded fourth quarter filled with unnecessary Kevin Durant free-throws in order to fill his 28 point quota, the conspiracy theory kicks in. Like in the magic bullet theory with JFK, and also much alike to the Seinfeld second-spitter story, weird things start to happen. CJ Watson begins to dribble like the 4th guy off the bench from the Woodstock Freshman B Squad and the refs call a technical on Carlos Boozer after he finishes a fast-break layup. They're icing out the Bulls, and The Body is pissed! Luol Deng hits a jumper to put the Bulls at 99 points and Uncle Poklop is now fully unzipped, revealing his Lou Deng t-shirt jersey. The Thunder score a quick bucket. Tension is at an all-time high. With approximately 35 seconds left, and Derrick Rose aimlessly dribbling around half-court, the crowd rises to its feet, nervously kicking and screaming,pointing for Rose to attack the basket. The Body, The Pulse Man, Uncle Poklop, and myself are clearing the vocal pipes from section 330...Rose launches a runner...airbank. The dream is dead. I even heard from an outside source that Neal Funk mentioned Bill Wennington was "noticeably upset" the Bulls couldn't eclipse the century mark, leaving the pallets of the collective United Center unquenched. Have a safe trip home, fellas. Bulls win 99-90.

There you have it. I believe I have managed to capture the essence of a Monday night trip to the United Center without ever really enlightening you to the happenings of the game at all. Hope you enjoyed a run-of-the-mill Monday night. I sure did.

Record:(37-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

So Suh Him

In sweeping the Lions this season, the Bears have needed every second of every drive, and every extra hard-fought yard to secure the W on both accounts. Also in both cases, the Bears have used substantial help from the employed zebras to make sure that the silver and blue didn't end their 19-game NFC North losing streak against the Bears. We all remember that sunny Sunday in September to open the season when the Bears nearly lost to the Lions, but one of their few talented players, Calvin Johnson, made the insurmountable mistake of simply not holding onto a game-winning TD pass after he had already caught it. Fast forward a few months, and a few starting Quarterbacks later, and the Lions once again had a shot at winning Sunday at Ford Field, and shoved it away with disgust. In this situation, it just so happened to be the only other remotely skilled member of the Lions football franchise, Ndamakong Suh, that made the mind-bending misstep late in the 4th frame. Don't get me wrong, without the 15 yard walk-off that ensued when the Lions were penalized, they still would have had to march the length of the field down 7 behind the trusty arm of 3rd-stringer Drew Stanton, who was busy meandering the sidelines in a moisture-wicking visor carefully contemplating how he was going to answer post-game interview questions for the first time in his NFL career. It would have been a highly unlikely scenario to see the Lions bravely pull out the W, there's no doubt. But shouldn't they have had the opportunity? Was Ndamukong Suh's two-handed bulldoze of Cutler necessarily an illegal play? Are roid rage and premature baldness finally playing a part into how Sunday's referee, Ed Hochuli, impulsively officiates the game? All debatable points.

Imagine your Ndamukong Suh. I can foresee this as an idea that might be a bit difficult to tackle (no pun intended) considering none of you are 6 foot 4, 307 lb. Cameroon-born defensive lineman with a 7 foot, 3 inch grandfather (true story). Still, I'm sure you have all dreamed weirder dreams rolled up in the down cotton comforter of your twin bunk bed. So there is Suh, sprinting at full-speed and sees perhaps the world's most arrogant, smug little worm, Jay Cutler, tip-toeing towards the first down marker. Would I have held up and properly form tackled Jay if I were Suh in the given situation? Hell no, I would have laid him out with one of John "Bradshaw" Layfield's vintage "clotheslines from hell". But Suh didn't, he simply chased down Cutler at full speed and pushed him over like a 4th grade girl in an unnecessarily violent game of tag in the playground wood-chips. Sure, it looked bad from Hochuli's angle because Cutler hit the field turf at Ford Field like a sack of wet laundry. But is it Suh's fault he can embarrass a chubby QB without using his legs? According the NFL rulebook, I guess it is. And as a result, Lions fans will have to once again drive home from their state of the art facility with silver face paint running from their cheeks after shouldering another demoralizing loss in their Chris Spielman jersey. You know what that is? Pure.....Michigan.

As for Pick of the Day, thanks to avid blog follower, Doug "Alize and Hennessy" Wynn, for the tickets, myself, the Pulse Man, Jack "the Body" Groot, and good friend and absolute psycho Matt Poklop (if you don't believe me, follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/unclepdog)will be attending the Bulls/Thunder game tonight at the UC. With that in mind, although it is undoubtedly a bad bet with the Durantula in town and Carlos Boozer playing like a Hispanic immigrant who just received citizenry, the Pulse Man likes the Bulls giving 4.5 to OKC.

Pick of the Day: Thunder @ Bulls (-4.5)-BULLS

Record:(36-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

An Open Booth

If I was asked a week ago, I could've dedicated an entire months worth of blogs taking jabs at Ron Santo. How his broadcast partner, Pat Hughes, was paid in part for his play-by-play on WGN radio, and partly for babysitting a 70-year old mental patient who was a once upon time decent 3rd baseman. I could've peppered this blog with cracks at his borderline midget son, who consistently wailed profanity-laced tirades at the Pulse Man after he intentionally walked him in our monday night softball league, only to call for a courtesy runner and proceed to pound wine coolers in the visiting dugout (believe it or not, that's 100% true). I could ramble on about how he was the spokesman for his own induction into Cooperstown, or how his previews of opposing pitchers included nonsensical tidbits like "this guy's curveball really moves" and "he's got a changeup too, this guy". We could argue a case for Santo as quite honestly the worst color man since Guglielmo (best first name ever) Marconi invented the radio in 1895. This blog could be a lot of things, but in the end, Ron Santo was ultimately more Cub than scrub, except of course for that year he spent on the South Side in '74.

You can question his broadcasting talent, his knowledge of the game, and often times, his sanity; but you could never dispute Ron Santo's allegiance to the north siders. Santo is every much a part of the Cubs tradition as the ivy, the bleachers, John Barleycorn, and never winning. He faithfully stood by the Cubs in the 60's, when they won at about the same percentage as your shot at next week's Powerball. He was the Cub 3rd baseman during the Kennedy assassination, our country's first landing on the moon, the birth of the Beatles, and the entire Vietnam War. He then proceeded to be the Cubs' radio color man for Kerry Wood's 20 K performance, Sammy Sosa's record-shattering season in '98, and (gulp) the Bartman game. Santo lived through more events while affiliated with the Cubs franchise for over 4 decades than Forrest Gump did in a nearly 3 hour biopic. His trademark groaning over the radiowaves made his voice the infamous sound of a tortured team. He was adored by so many for his unyielding allegiance to a team, a uniform, and ultimately, a city. As a figure, Santo embodied the devoted passion, utter hopelessness and miseducation that every Cub fan holds close to their heart.

If you love the Cubs, Santo came as part of the deal. You couldn't escape his wandering stories that spanned across 3 innings without ever achieving an actual premise. After battling baseball, diabetes, and a god damn billy goat for 70 years of his life, Ron Santo's voice will only now live on as an echo in the corridors of the Friendly Confines. Next to Harray Carray's "Holy Cow" and Ernie Banks' "Let's play two" will forever remain Ron Santo's "Ohhhh, NOOOOOO!"

As for Pick of the Day, revealing the actual identity of the Pulse Man resulted in a "brutal brother" defeat Wednesday night. Because of Wednesday's attached picture of the Pulse Man, I was forced to answer questions as to whether that was the actual Pulse Man, or a google image result of the word "helpless". As a result and as a thank you to all of you, the Pulse Man has included his final Saturday 6 Pack of the College Football season.


Saturday 6 Pack

2 Team Parlay:
1. Auburn @ South Carolina- AUBURN, moneyline
2. Washington (-6) @ Washington St.- WASHINGTON

3 Team Parlay:
1. Nebraska (+4.5) @ Oklahoma- NEBRASKA
2. USC @ UCLA, Total Points-54- OVER
3. Florida St. @ Virginia Tech, Total Points-52- UNDER

'Big Ticket' Pick of the Day:
Pittsburgh (+2) @ Cincinatti- CINCY

Record:(36-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Head of State

I know what you're thinking. "This guy didn't even watch the Illinois/UNC game! The 2nd half aired during the Victoria Secret Fashion Show." All I have to say to you people is, I have DVR (well, actually my parents do) and I don't have a day-job, so you can figure it out from there. While most of America watched intently as protein-deficient foreigners marched down a golden, glittery stage with giant feathers strapped to their backs, I was keeping a close eye on Illinois running all over a talented UNC team coached by Roy Williams.

Now, do I think UNC is overrated? Yes, they have been for the past 2 years prior to the thick of the college basketball season. For some reason the voters in the AP Poll think that North Carolina can consistently win with kids that can barely buy a pack of cigarettes or a MAXIM magazine for that matter. Harrison Barnes is a tremendous athlete and a phenomenal player, but he's not a first team All-American. I'm sure UNC will be back, but they're going to take there lumps again like they did a year ago. Still, what an impressive win for U of I in front of a sold out Assembly Hall. The Fighting Illini moved to 7-1 last night using a balanced attack that included Mike Davis, Mike Tisdale, DJ Richardson, Demtri McCamey and Freshman Jereme Richmond all scoring in double figures for the Orange and Blue. Assembly Hall was back in 2005 form as well, as the Orange Krush looked more hopped up on Sunkist than a 12 year old at a sleepover screening Jurassic Park. Tuesday night was a statement win for both Illinois, and the Big 10 as a whole. But about 4 hours north of Champaign on the banks of Lake Michigan, 'Chicago's Big 10 team' was quietly going about improving to 5-0 while turning heads in the process.

When comparing Illinois and Northwestern basketball, a few things are glaringly obvious. Illinois players drink more booze, sleep with more women, fail more tests and frequent more strip joints than their Evanston counterpoints. But, that's not a discredit to Illinois, they are being compared with an ivy league-like school located in middle America. The only player on Northwestern's roster that I see hanging tough with the Illini on Green St. is Michael "Juice" Thompson, but even he can't cover 13 quotas, or 13 bar tabs, unless he's at Kams. Illinois is more talented in almost every area of the game, but Northwestern is a heady, veteran club that wears down your psyche with backdoor layups and transition 3's. The Purple and White might not scare you coming off their coach bus, but they will have a viable shot to play themselves into the school's first ever NCAA tournament birth during the 2010-2011 season.

For both Illinois and Northwestern, success starts in the hands of each team's point guard. NU's point guard is affectionately referred to as a fruity liquid made from concentrate while Illinois' PG has a last name that leads you to believe he was born on the kitchen floor of the Blarney Stone on Chicago's South Side. Call them what you will, but both Juice Thompson and Demetri McCamey facilitate the as game as well as any point in the Big 10. Both guards were in the top 4 in assists and assist/TO ratio during Big 10 play a year ago and are heading into their senior season determined to end up on CBS with Gus Johnson during March in the NCAA's Naitonal Tournament. Illinois and Northwestern will only go as far as their floor-generals will take them, and Bruce Weber and Bill Carmody have to be confident in the places they'll go behind Thompson and McCamey.

One of the only areas in which I think Northwestern trumps Illinois is the ability to have a consistent "knock-down" shooter to propel the offense. The Cats boast the most unlikely of potential All-Americans in Glen Ellyn's own, John Shurna. At first glance, you would swear that Shurna was the kid who sat behind you in 10th grade Geometry that you peppered with questions the day before each unit test. But over the course of 2 years in Evanston, Shurna has made a case for himself as one of the most dangerous long-distance dialers in Big-10 play, averaging over 18 points a game a year ago and shooting over 35% from 3 point range. Illinois on the other hand, looks to stretch their defense with their Sophomore guard duo of DJ Richardson and former Warren standout and Illinois Mr. Basketball, Brandon Paul. Although Richardson is coming off a Big-10 Freshman of the year campaign in 09-10, I think Shurna is more of a consistent threat for his team, mainly because he looks like an extra from Revenge of the Nerds and the scoring presence Illinois holds in the low post.

On the block, Mike Tisdale might resemble a chimpanzee released from the Brookfield Zoo, but it is hard to argue against how effective he has become under the tutelage of Bruce Weber. However, Illinois fans need to understand what they can expect from Tisdale on a nightly basis. He will give you 12-15 points a night, a half-dozen rebounds, and will most likely foul out--that's the way it goes. He isn't athletic enough to guard the quick-footed post men of the Big-10 like Draymond Green and Jajuan Johnson, so he over-relies on his 7 foot frame and uses his fouls. You cannot expect Tisdale to be an All-American. He's a 7 foot 1, 250 lb, Academic All-American from Riverton, Illinois, let's be realistic. Is he better than Luka Mirkovic? Absolutely. Is your college girlfriend better than Luka Mirkovic? If she was graded higher than a C in high school P.E., then I would assume so. Don't get me wrong, Mirkovic has done a fine job with his pipe-cleaner arms and a haircut he stole from an investment banker at the Board of Trade, but the Big-10 boasts too many solid big men that Luka (not the guy that used to be on ER) is going to have to defend on the block.

Outside of the staple categories like backcourt and frontline lies the intangible category that just might be the most influential in determining the success of both Illinois and Northwestern this year, ladies and gentleman, low and behold, the honorary "good glue guy" (shout out Matt Demars). Both the Illini and Wildcats have the "get the job done then spit in your face" Cortland Finnegan-type player. For the Illini, it's Jereme Richmond. Jimmy Dykes referred to him in last night's telecast as a type of guy who, "throws you into the lockers and takes your lunch money" and for the first time in both mine and Jimmy Dykes life, we agree on that. Richmond is a relentless athlete, a long, rangy defender, and an overall catalyst for Illinois success. Sure, he's going to jack up a few ill-advised, unwarranted 19-footers in pivotal moments, that's part of being a Freshman. But the Mr. Socko Mick Foley-esque toughness he carries on his sleeve is going to exude more pros than cons for this year's Illinois squad. For Northwestern, the good glue lies in it's swingman, Drew Crawford. The Naperville product is the son of long-time NBA official, Danny Crawford, so you already know that Drew was born with the thick skin to withstand the raucous rants from student sections he'll surely hear across the Big-10. He is a secondary scorer for NU, but his true presence is on the defensive with his tenacity and intensity. Think Sean Elliot/Charles Oakley hybrid human. God damn do I support stem cell research.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man skated by the skin of his teeth last night as Wake defeated the lowly Iowa Hawkeyes by a meager 3 points in the final minute, thus covering the 2 point spread. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the Bulls giving 2 points to the magic at home, a risky call. Because of the Pulse Man's recent betting record, I have received a tremendous amount of inquiry via telephone, fax, email and snail mail about what the Pulse Man actually looks like. To avoid giving him a reputation like "Son of Sam" or the "Unibomber", I have posted a picture of the Pulse Man in his finest hour. Eat your heart out girls.



Pick of the Day: Magic @ Bulls (-2)- BULLS

Record:(36-24-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Circ-cess

Think about 1998 for a second. Third Eye Blind and Savage Garden were still relevant. Deep Impact and Armageddon managed to separately gross over $350,000,000 while sharing virtually the exact same plot. Gary Coleman was still alive and assaulting women bus drivers outside California shopping malls. Simpler times indeed. 1998 also happens to be the last time the Bulls returned home from their yearly "Circus Trip" with a winning record. In the past, the Bulls didn't just play below their potential on this annual 2-week tour of the Western Conference, they were a legitimate circus act. Of course, Eddy Curry was always the stationary elephant during his tenure in Chicago while the Bulls' collection of incapable coaches jumped through hoops to keep their job in tact. But this year, 12 years removed from a "Circus success" and the glory days of Pippen and Jordan, the Bulls are back on a winning track when they return home to the UC Wednesday to face one of the Eastern Conference's best in the Orlando Magic.

Over the course of their trip, the Bulls beat the Rockets, squeaked by the Mavs, outlasted the Suns in 2 OT's, and finally overcame the Kings in the 4th quarter to close out their trip. Not to mention, the Bulls were a 3rd quarter collapse away from beating the Spurs on the 17th, a Steve Blake and Shannon Brown shooting barrage of defeating the defending champion Lakers, and a few critical John Lucas III free throws away from stealing a win in Denver without D. Rose. The Bulls also had a few unfamiliar heroes step up along the way. Taj Gibson, who hadn't hit a 12-footer since training camp responded against the Mavericks with 19 points and 18 boards. And, in the biggest surprise since Mark McGrath was hired as the host of Don't Forget the Lyrics, CJ Watson lit up Denver for a game-high 32 points on an array of circus shots (no pun intended) that fell in with the help of the backboard, which he of course used unintentionally.

We are also anxiously awaiting Boozer's return, albeit mostly so we no longer have to see him in his ghastly sideline attire complete with a variety of suede jackets and v-neck merino wool sweaters, it's still a plus. And with the Bulls facing the Eastern Conference's elite in the coming week, someone is going to eventually relieve Derrick from carrying the team every night in only his 3rd season.

With all that being said, the Bulls have found themselves jockeying for position for a top 4 spot in the East. God knows Spolestra's shelf life in Miami is about the same as an opened bag of Romaine lettuce in your household fridge, so the Bulls better get their wins now with the Heat and the upstart Indiana Pacers closing the gap behind them. Still, the circus trip turned out to be a success for all. Previously, the only circus talk that Omer Asik had heard of was the album entitled "Circus' released by Britney Spears a few years back. And for D. Rose, I think his stiff neck injury was all a hoax, he needed some time off after he and his agent downed 6 bags of circus peanuts while flying over the Rocky Mountains.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man did it again and can only thank Derek Anderson for the immaculate Jeff George impression that he put on yesterday night on national television. The Cards are falling faster than a base jumper from contention in the worst division in football. Either way, a win is a win. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes Wake Forest giving 2 points to Iowa at home, much to the dismay of everyone's Iowan, Ashton Kutcher.

Pick of the Day: Iowa @ Wake Forest (-2)-WAKE FOREST

Record:(35-24-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost