Forte Oz. to Freedom

The puzzle is finally complete. Sure, the picture on the cover (before the season starts) always alludes to the process of assembling an infinite amount of cardboard pieces in order being a splendid time; a picturesque landscape, a Frank Lloyd Wright mansion, or one of those transcendent, 3-D embodiments of American monuments that were far beyond my intelligence level.

Still, Forte has been signed and optimisim and excitement for the upcoming Chicago Bears season is at an all-time high. In the offseason, they have acquired arguably one of the most promising young wideouts in the game, Alshon Jeffery, while dually signing a proven veteran with a unique rapport with our signalcaller, Brandon Marshall. Whether these two miscreants can keep themselves on Sportscenter's top 10 rather than America's Most Wanted remains to be seen, but hey, who doesn't deserve a second chance (or in Marshall's case, an 8th chance)? What makes me weary, though, is Brandon Marshall being diagnosed with a BPD (borderline personality disorder) last year. I'm not entirely sure what a "borderline disorder" entails; should I consider myself a "borderline internet journalist"?; is Ja Rule a borderline actor?; are the Bears borderline contenders for the NFC North crown in 2012?

Last year, the Bears were one thumb away from a playoff birth, and when Jay Cutler severred that god-forsaken tendon in his thumb, the Bears season went up in smoke quicker than Andre Rison's mansion set aflame by Left Eye (R.I.P., No Scrubs). Dissimilarly, the Bears have mortgaged their home and bought the insurance this year as they have added competent backups at the two most influential offensive positions (QB: Jason Campbell, RB: Michael Bush).

That said, there is no way they can compete in the NFC North with Campbell and Bush leading the Monsters of the Midway. The Bears needed to pony-up and sign their tireless, multi-talented, workhorse halfback, and to their credit, they did. Forte just wanted a check with a couple extra commas after finishing in the top-10 in yards from scrimmage in 2011 (10th in total, 2nd in YFS per game). The Bears tried to scare him by signing Bush, and Forte flinched as much as Teddy KGB at the head table in Rounders>. As the pressure increased and crunch time neared, the Bears signed #22 to a 4 year, 32-million dollar deal.

After reading Bears beat reporter, Brad Biggs', contract breakdown, which I must admit was very hard for me to comprehend, it seems that both sides gave a little, took a little, and left the table with a deal that rendered both parties satisfied.

As much as drafting Jeffery and the signings of Marshall and Forte mean for GSH's tribe, the Bears will need offensive tackle Gabe Carimi to have a healthy season on the right side for the Bears' offensive attack to be as efficacious as us fans would hope. Carimi, the former Wisconsin Badgers All-American is an athletic, nimbly-footed tackle who will without a doubt be a useful constituent in Forte getting out in the flat and doing what he does best. If you get hurt in your rookie year and return to prowess, it is amazing how people forget about your former ailment (see: Blake Griffin); but, if your injuries linger into your sophomore campaign, you'll be labeled as "susceptible to injury" faster than you can schedule a PT session at the Bears' residence in Lake Forest (see: Greg Oden).

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is enduring some setbacks in his return as the Pirates and Rockies only combined for 9 runs last night in the Mile High City. Tonight, he looks for the Twins to take care of the Orioles tonight at (-108).

Pick of the Day: Orioles @ Twins- TWINS (-108)

Record:(64-55-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me.

Frost

Date of the Union

Today, not neccessarily July 11th, but rather the day after the MLB All-Star game is unique to any other day on the 12 month calendar in the sports world. You can almost hear Jim Nantz in his Master's voice articulating, "...a tradition unlike any other" as the camera scrolls across Augusta National to the tune of a light, harmonic piano. It's exclusivity from the rest of the calendar originates because it marks the only day each year in which no professional sports are taking place. Across America, you'll see strange things--grown men watching two-hour, "The Guys Tell All" reunion specials of The Bachelorette, sushi restaurants filled to capacity, and the ticket line for Magic Mike winding out the corner of the theater.

With no professional sports on the horizon for 24 hours, it seemingly marks the perfect day to address the state of all of Chicago's beloved sports teams. In typical Chicago Sports Noise fashion, I have decided to do so in a less than normal, but hardly original way. Thus, we will take a look at all things Chicago through the lens of a male in a budding relationship with a female. Seeing how as I have little to no experience in this field and haven't been a part of a functional relationship in some time, these comparisons may be muddled, irrelevant, confusing, but should serve as nonetheless entertaining. In a roundabout sort of way, this is an implicit attempt to remove myself from any remnant of a female following that once existed. For all intensive purposes, let's refer to the male in the case of the following situations as "Chico".

Chicago Bulls- Chico finds himself with his longtime girlfriend on the physical intimacy shelf (I came up with that term myself) with mononucleosis. Their past has been spectacular; Chico's girlfriend, in this case, Rosaline, can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. She cleans up nice, but can still cut it in the sweats and also lets Chico have the freedom to roll with the fellas every now and then. There's no way Chico is leaving Rosaline, but what the hell is he going to do for the next few months while she's on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list? If he tries to bring her out too early her spleen is susceptible to a rupture, but if he tastes too much of the outside world, he just might lose The One. If Chico were a smart man, he might have to indulge himself in a few girls nights. Not reruns of 27 Dresses on CW, but rather things like casual dinner dates with her friends, afternoon matinees, walks, things like that. Nurture the relationship, Chico. Before you know it, she'll be back to full-operation.

Chicago Blackhawks- Chico finds himself in a tough spot here. He's not where he used to be with the females (first round playoff loss)--a bit of a cold streak if you will. Years back he was can't miss. Hitting on girls in bars, ATM vestibules, El Stops. The guy was a real-life Jerry Seinfeld. Now, he finds himself readily single, but with a risque option on the table. Chico's rival from across town in high school recently split up with his girlfriend (Goalie Roberto Luongo), and she is canoodling around town like she's in a bad episode of Bad Girls Club. Chico knows he could close this, but what expense will this leave him with? He knows the chick is expensive and doesn't know if his billfold can handle the late nights click-clacking through the ritz of River North in her high-fashion pumps (Luongo will need a big deal to sign with the Hawks). If he gets her, sure it'll be great for a night, a weekend, or perhaps a month, and it will eat at his rival like when Costner closes Rene Russo over Don Johnson at the close of Tin Cup, but is the juice worth the squeeze? Metaphorically, of course.

Chicago White Sox- Make or break territory, Chico. Tough sledding. Chico's on date #3 with Whitney, a girl who he out-kicked his coverage to land in the first place, but he admits he has been on point in rounds 1 and 2 (first half of the season). Free-flowing convo, picking up tabs, playful, flirty humor--he's been an all-star. But, that conversational wall is lurking on the horizon and nobody can ever tell how far it is ahead of Chico's line of sight. Sure, he's got confidence, but will it last? What will he do in heeding the unforgivable awkward silence? From personal experience, this is exactly where the fold occurs. Can Chico make it, or will Whitney's ex (the Tigers) and his starch-washed Oxford shirts from J. Crew prove to be too much to handle. Only time will tell, Chico. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Chicago Cubs- This is all a trust game, Chico (Cubs with Epstein). Let her go on that vacation to the Virgin Islands. She's either going to cheat on you (another slew of horrible contracts for the Cubs and he moves back to Boston), or your patience with her will become fruitful in the long run. You invested in her and now you're pot-committed. I know it's hard to hang out with all these losers currently (the Cubs' atrocious lineup). Just wait and see what the fruits of your labor look like in a few years.

Chicago Bears- You got a hot babe, Chico. But, the fact of the matter is, your best friend's is hotter (Green Bay Packers). You tried to go slumming a little bit and prove that you guys are bigger party animals (pick up convicts like Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey), but your best friend's girl (insert Rick Springfield joke here) has been bringing the heat for years now. Also, your girl needs to get in the gym and tighten up that body (sign Forte NOW), or you're going to get passed up like you're standing still. All you can do is hope their relationship hits some rough patches and gets stale while you two look for the nearest karaoke bar to cover "I Got You, Babe" like Sonny and Cher.

Illinois Basketball/Illinois Football- In both cases, Chico is embarking on blind dates (new coaches). Although the show on UPN Power 50 would suggest otherwise, these hardly work out. Plus, the way these potential dates were described to you by the matchmaker were less than ideal (two Simpleton coaches from mid-majors in Ohio). Maybe you can catch a flash in the pan and find the spark, but it's a rainy night and you have a book of matches with about 3 to spare. Good luck.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the favorite and was bit last by the NL staff that conglomerated for a shutout of a vicious AL All-Star lineup. Since there are no games today, he has the day off. He deserves it.

Now I'm done. Rack Me.

Frost

Hitch Route

In the day and age when people are either staying up or waking up to catch some live nuptials in HD, it is only fitting that the Bears' high-profile QB is walking the plank that leads only to disgruntled monogamy. After being the fall guy for the Bears playoff loss in 2010, he can now rest assured that he is the rebound guy in the post-Justin Bobby era therefore acquiring his "sloppy seconds" (anyone who uses this phrase officially sucks, including me).

To be honest, I wish there were a live telecast of the heartfelt vows between Jay and Kristin. I mean, if Jay can't get amp'd on the sidelines rooting for his team to take the NFC title, how do you think he'll react in uttering "in sickness and in health." My prediction: comatose stoicism in it's purest form.

Think about the bride's side of the guest list at this ceremony--Audrina, LO, Stephen Colletti and the all-too infamous Stacey The Bartender (her title has become a proper noun, hence the capitalization). If I'm Greg Olsen, I am not staggering to my hotel alone under any circumstances.

Essentially, this is going to be a glorified Senior Prom. Amidst all of the swirling rumors in People magazine about potential +1's and recent breast augmentation procedures, the fact that Jay Cutler is tying himself down to one of the most abrasive, catty women in reality television history is somehow disguised.

Believe it or not, I am not certified to predict the success of relationships like a 22-year old version of the effervescent Maury Povich, but aren't these two a match made in proverbial hell? A discreetly chubby, punk QB who is about as welcoming and personable as a jail cell wall marrying a Laguna Beach-bred, quarrelsome socialite whose career and job description can be encapsulated into one word--starlet.

Can anyone else see Kristin ripping a dozen Newport menthols on the daily once her and Jay begin to disagree over what color to paint their bonus room? It's inevitable. When you combine two stubborn people in marriage it usually ends in two things: fire and powder, and ultimately divorce, so I guess three.

Down and Out

It honestly is too easy to write this. You knew it was coming. You read the millions of facebook statuses, you navigated through the endless hashtags on Twitter calling Cutler a pussy. But why? Was it because we expected our starting quarterback to look interested in the biggest game of his career? Are we mad because we invested more emotion into Sunday's game than Cutler did? Who knows what his injury was, and honestly, who cares? He didn't even look to make an effort to return once he stepped outside the painted lines on the Soldier Field turf Sunday. The absolute least Cutler could have done was give the obligatory limp to the huddle, muster up the courage to take a few snaps, wince in pain, and partake in a completely staged conversation with the athletic trainer demanding that he return to the game. But that's exactly what didn't happen. Aaron Rodgers was taking helmets to the chin, staring down the teeth of the Bears' with a look of defiance, and our chubby quarterback remained stationary on the sideline pondering why he has more than one chin with a smug "What do you think is on UPN Power 50 right now?" look on his face. The only impressive thing Jay did on Sunday was somehow performing live at halftime and showing the raucous Soldier Field crowd his vocal range. Wait, that Lee DeWyze? Who knew? As soon as his phantom "knee injury" (which no one saw, mind you) flared up, Jay strolled to the sidelines, put on his Bears issued trench coat, and talked Caleb Hanie through his progressions on a clipboard that actually had a Chinese takeout menu attached to it instead of Mike Martz's playbook. You can't help but be impressed with Caleb Hanie. He showed some stones and gave the Bears a fighting chance in the final minutes. Then again, he was following Todd Collins, so it really couldn't get much worse unless Crazytown's hit single "Butterfly" was playing in the background of the venue where you were watching the game.

What can you really expect when you have your 3rd string signal caller at the helm in the biggest game of the season? He did all we could ask for and more. All we knew about Caleb Hanie before Sunday was that he had a below average first name and threw a couple good seeds against the Panthers early in the year. Technically, you can say the same thing about Seneca Wallace. Anyway, after reading Rick Reilly's article on ESPN about Cutler last week (I honestly never read Rick Reilly, I think he's a total worm), it occurred to me that maybe Cutler didn't want it. After being saddled with mediocrity as both an amateur (Vandy) and as a professional (Denver and Chicago), perhaps Jay just didn't want the decoration. Maybe he doesn't want to be a "big game quarterback". Maybe he just wants to be a renegade (shot out Uncle Poklop) like Big Ben but not wear the ring like the bathroom rapist does. Even when Collins came in, he looked emotionally invested in the outcome of the game. Granted, he sucks, and he looks like the kind of loser who buys his entire wardrobe at Land's End, but at least he was amp'd up. I mean, Christ, it's the NFC Championship!

When Urlacher stepped up to the mic at his post-game interview and stood behind Cutler (stood behind, get it? hehehe), nobody's opinion changed. He had to do that. If he calls Jay out in front of the national media, the Bears would fold easier than wax paper next year. But could you sense some disappointment? From Urlacher, from Martz, from Lovie, from some random Bear fan named Allan in Wicker Park. Everyone was disappointed. But in the end, maybe we were just disillusioned as to the people we put in positions of power. Gulp, thanks Jay.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is looking to the NBA as the avenue to achieve his first career betting win as a 23 year old man. For Monday night, the Pulse Man likes the Bucks in Chicago getting 8 points.

Pick of the Day: Bucks(+8) @ Bulls- BUCKS

Record:(47-33-0)

Thanks again to all the people who wrote guest blogs and sent in predictions last week. Congratulations on being a part of the internet. It's a wonderful feeling.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Bear Necessitites

Be careful what you wish for. The Pulse Man put the his nickels and dimes on Aaron Rodgers Saturday night and right on queue, the Packers QB ended up "airin" it out (no pun intended) on the Dirty Birds and dropped a 48 on the Georgia Dome scoreboard. Now, what has transpired in the NFC Championship is a game of epic proportions. Not even the gum-flapping, unceremonious squad of Jets in NYC can upstage what's goin' down in Chi-town next Sunday afternoon (In honor of MLK day, I'm randomly peppering this blog with Ebonics). The Bears and the Packers, January, bright lights, Troy Aikman announcing while comparing every minuscule game detail to his own career that ended a decade ago. Is this heaven? No, it's the NFC.

Truth be told, everyone and their brother penciled the Packers in as the NFC representative in Dallas next month, but the only people in Vegas that bet on the Bears to make it to February were a couple of lushes from Lombard who had money to blow after winning a few lucky spins of Roulette. In all fairness to the Pack, they bounced back from losing their starting running back, their freak tight end, a core linebacker and countless others, so there stock dropped lower than Liz Claiborne Inc. at certain spots this year. In fact, Green Bay's training room at the halfway point of the season looked like a scene for Kate Beckinsale's character (Nurse Evelyn Johnson) in Pearl Harbor. In the Bears' case, nobody trusted Cutler to will his team to the NFC title game, even with the cakewalk Seahawks at home in January. At the start of the season, nobody even trusted Cutler to throw a vortex, and now he's the captain of this crew's stunning rise to power this season. Don't uproot the tree before you taste the fruit, amirite?

With all these heartwarming story lines in play this weekend, we must be reminded of certain key points. For instance, either the Packers are going to make the Super Bowl with the Brandon Jackson/James "Don't call me John" Starts platoon in their backfield, or the Bears are going to strut into Dallas Stadium with Hester and Knox as their starting wideouts. Whichever the case, it will undoubtedly be the worst backfield/receiving core in the history of the sport. I'm just glad those geezers from the Visa commercial will be in attendance.

As the bad blood between Bear and Packer fans spreads from Burbank up to Baraboo, west to Lacrosse and down through Lake Villa, I am leaving Chicago Sports Noise as an open forum for people to voice their own opinions throughout the week. You have a prediction? Lay it on me. You have insight into how you think the game is going to play out? Share the word. If you just want to make fun of Wisconsin people for having Madison as their state's mecca, by all means, use this blog as your avenue. To have something posted, just email chicagosportsnoise@gmail.com (this account has never received a non-span email, so needless to say I'm excited), or tweet @frostyaustin (definitely the option most in touch with 2011). And lastly, let us try to keep the vulgarity at a minimum. I mean, come on, it's MLK day.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes the 'Cuse getting 6 at Pitt. Granted, Jamie Dixon's hair defies the laws of modern physics, but Syracuse is making a push at that numba one spot!

Pick of the Day: Syracuse (+6) @ Pitt- SYRACUSE

Record:(46-32-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Don't Sleep on Seattle

Being a 10+ point favorite in the NFL playoffs is like wearing an Aeropostale screen-printed graphic tee in mixed company, you just never want to be that guy, or in this case, that team. The Saints found this out the hard way and find themselves watching the rest of the playoffs on plasma screens all across the Big Easy. I mean, last Saturday was literally an apocalyptic performance by the Seahawks. Bearing an offense that sputtered to a 7-9 finish in the regular season, the Seahawks rode the "locker room material" 10-point spread and used it to their advantage in a game against the defending Super Bowl Champions. Were you surprised that Marshawn Lynch turned into Walter Payton for a few hours Saturday? How about Matt Hassellbeck finally getting recognized as a winning playoff QB rather than just The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brother-in-law? Everyone knew that the Seahawks could make a competitive game out of it as long as the contest was held at Qwest Field, yet the oddsmakers still wrote off Seattle as 10-point dogs and watched it blow up in the collective face of the New Orleans.

The good news about Sunday is that the Bears get the Seahawks in Chicago this week, far away from the rain-soaked turf of the Pacific Northwest. And, although the Seahawks ousted the Bears in week 6, I would much rather see Pete Carroll's bunch try and defeat the Bears on the cow pasture that is often times referred to as Soldier Field. But, as is always the case, with good news comes some bad, or at least weary news about Sunday's divisional round game this weekend. Once again, the Seahawks come into the game as 10-point takers. Did they not earn any recognition from Vegas after dropping 41 on the NFC South's beloved Saints? Apparently not. Like I said, 10-point underdogs are as dangerous as an abundance of Mexican food before a 3 hour a movie. This is not something you mess around with.

Although the Bears have looked strong coming down the stretch to finish their regular season, the Seahawks have won back-to-back must-win's to keep their 2010-2011 season alive. Granted, they didn't exactly look like world-beaters against the Rams in week 17, but they did look as possessed as Shelley Duvall in The Shining against the Saints. The last positive for the Bears is the Seahawks haven't had a regular starting quarterback with a visible hairline in nearly two decades (Dilfer, Kitna, Hasselbeck), so we have that going for us, which is nice.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man reached the 45 win plateau last week and is inching closer to betting transcendence with each and every pick. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes Utah covering the 12 points they are getting at home from BYU in the annual Mountain West Mormon battle in Salt Lake City.

Pick of the Day: BYU @ Utah (+12)- UTAH

Record:(45-30-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Game Film

Well, the Bears are in the playoffs. And, surprisingly enough, they don't even have to play on Wild Card weekend. Lovie and his troops have the luxury of being able to sit back, wait around, watch the games, get healthy, and head into the divisional round with a full roster and a full head of steam. With that luxury, however, comes one problem: the Bears don't know what team is going to limp into Soldier Field the following weekend. It could be the defending Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints and that damn Drew Brees jersey commercial. Or the NFL MVP favorite, Michael Vick's Philadelphia Eagles squad. It is also conceivable that the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks could finagle an upset in Washington state to propel them into round 2. You just never know. Each team presents its own set of strengths and weaknesses, thus presenting a different challenge to the NFC North Champs. In comparing each match-up, I found it interesting to compare each team to an actor, who, like each football team, has had both good performances and bad. It's the difference between Phat Girlz and When Harry Met Sally, Nick Cage and Matt Damon, wait for it... Wisconsin and Illinois. It's how we live life people. As Jimmy Fallon so eloquently put it in Almost Famous, "I didn't invent the rainy day, I just happen to have the best umbrella."

Sean Penn as the New Orleans Saints. Penn's incredible. There's no sugar coating it. And there is no one I would like to see the Bears play less than the Drew Brees led Saints. Penn defines acting flexibility. He can go gay (Milk), handicapped (I Am Sam), or maybe most impressively, go perpetually stoned as Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont high. Like Sean Penn, the Saints can outscore you mercilessly, or grind it out for a win like they did in week 16 at a venue in which Matty Ice OWNS. Any time Penn chooses a role, you can pencil him in for an Oscar nomination, and the Saints are equally as volatile. I think given the right road to the Super Bowl, the Saints can imaginably make a run to Dallas. Do I want to be the team that tests them? Absolutely not. Go Seahawks.

Speaking of the Seahawks, let them be played by Owen Wilson. You can't argue that given the proper role, Owen Wilson can encompass the meaning of the word comedy. He can be the funny guy male model (Zoolander), the funny guy best friend (You, Me and Dupree), the funny guy ex-boyfriend (Meet the Parents) or the funny guy bachelor (Wedding Crashers). Owen Wilson has made me laugh like Fran Drescher over the years through his roles in the aforementioned movies, but he has also shown absolutely ZERO range in his acting ability. He's great at what he does, but he has a comfort zone that he has been cemented in like he has an electric fence around his neck. Similarly, the Seahawks win games in one place, and one place only--Qwest Field. The Seahawks only beat two teams on the road this season, the Bears and the Cardinals. The rest of their 7 wins came in the City of Rain. The writing is flat out written on the wall for the entire NFL to see. The Seahawks are only decent at home. Good news for them is, that's where they will get the Saints on Sunday.

Lastly, let the Philadelphia Eagles be portrayed by cinema megastar Denzel Washington. Before you go nuts and begin to think "Denzel is way too good be Philly!", just hear me out for a second. Denzel is one of the greatest actors of our generation. He's an extraordinarily explosive character that has made some incredible films and has depicted some intense characters. Malcom X (Malcolm X), Rubin Carter (The Hurricane), Frank Lucas (American Gangster) and Coach Herman Boone (Remember the Titans) are just a few. But, can't we say the same thing in terms of football about Michael Vick? He's been as explosive as a shook-up can of Mr. Pibb this season and has dazzled in the spotlight after yanking Kevin Kolb's job from the poor loser like a 7th grade bully at recess. No one is doubting Denzel's brilliance on the big screen or Michael Vick's dominance on the gridiron. But don't you think it's safe to say that their best days are behind them? Denzel's last 3 movies are Unstoppable, The Book of Eli and The Taking of Pelham 123. I haven't seen any of them, and to be honest, I really don't want to. Likewise, Vick simply cannot capture the magic he had in Philly around the mid-season mark. What goes up must come down. Plus, we already beat them once, so bring on the battered and bruised version.

Before I call this script (no pun intended) my official comeback to the bloggosphere, I know you Packer fans are all looking for some love. Who's your actor? Let's see, Conchata Ferrell? She looks like every female Packer fan anyway. Boom. Roasted.

As for Pick of the Day, after a long betting hiatus, the Pulse Man likes Ohio State covering the 3 point cushion that they're giving to Ryan Mallett and the Hogs on Tuesday. Let's see if he's still got it.

Pick of the Day: Arkansas vs. Ohio State (-3)- OHIO STATE

Record:(42-30-0)

Now I'm done. Rack Me

Frost

Not Easy Being Green

What a year 2010 was for the New York Jets. They started from humble beginnings as one of the most underrated teams in the NFL, then transformed into a group of arrogant, pompous, egocentrics that grabs more national headlines than the Hilton sisters did in the early 2000's. The Jets endured a DUI arrest, a scandalous texting triangle, a sexual harassment case and relentlessly over-analyzed a handsome, Mexican bachelor for 6 months. 2010 sounds more like a season of the OC than a professional football campaign for the Jets (remind me again why I have season 3 on DVD). Recently, Rex Ryan's ability to put the 'foot' back in football has raised eyebrows and, once again, raised questions about the professionalism associated with the head coach and his staff. The upper management in New York is just starting to realize why background checks are an integral part of the hiring process in contemporary society. They are also simultaneously figuring out that despite what people say, judging a book by its cover is the best way to go about life in terms of making decisions about people. It is the foundation by which relationships are built. How many really ugly friends of the opposite sex do you have? Zero, right? Me too. So the Jets decided to buck societal norms to hire an overweight, foot-fetished nymphet who laces his everyday speech with licentious profanity. Sounds like they would have been better off putting Artie Lange in charge. Is he still unemployed?

With all the incidents that have surrounded the Jets this season, it seems like football has actually become the distraction in the soap opera taking place in the New Meadowlands. There aren't enough Mary J Blige Cd's in the world to convey the message of her single, "No More Drama", to the New York Jets. As fans, we are tired of hearing about it. I would rather watch a 3 hour documentary on the UCONN women's basketball team than see any more tidbits of coverage on the Jets and their flubbered forerunner. But with the Bears playing the Jets on Sunday, unfortunately it's inevitable. Normally, any time in which sexual preferences and personal fetishes are intertwined into NFL interviews, I'm all for it. Imagine if we could get insight into whether Jake Delhomme has ever actually slept with a woman? Or, think about finding out that Wade Phillips is fully interested in bondage? That's entertainment! Look at how much fun the Jets have sucked out of life--it's heartbreaking.

With all of that being said, it's obvious that I want nothing more than to watch the Bears steamroll the "other team" from the Big Apple this weekend. Not to mention, if the Jets lose, their season is virtually over. Personally, I would rather see the Jets season come to an end rather than halting world hunger. Let the Bears eat!

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is looking to rebound from the double defeat he suffered at the hands of St. Johns and the Dallas Mavericks earlier this week. For tonight, the Pulse Man is taking San Diego State on the moneyline over the Naval Academy.

Pick of the Day: San Diego State (-3) vs. Navy- SDSU, moneyline

Record:(41-30-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Overachievers

Normally when you think of overachievers, you think of the slightly nerdy girl in your high school's Student Council that hung out at the teachers desk all period, and was dressed like she was auditioning to be in an Old Navy performance fleece commercial on a daily basis. That is all fine and good. But tonight, the overachieving 2010 Chicago Bears have been crowned as NFC North division champs! They've got a 5-0 division record heading into their final two games and have clinched a playoff spot. Granted, the Bears have caught some luck along the way, but they have no reason to apologize for their season thus far. Is it their fault the Vikings fell victim to the "Black QB/White RB/There's absolutely no way we win this game" curse? The Bears are the only team to have defeated Mike Vick when he makes it through an entire game, and have guaranteed themselves at least a split with the Packers--not too bad. Through all of the criticism, Jay Cutler has played his way through his first winning season as an NFL quarterback, and will be playing in his first career NFL playoff game come January.

Still, what feels best about the Bears securing the NFC North title Monday night was the way it must have tasted in Packer fan's mouths. The Pack were a highly touted preseason favorite to not only win the NFC North, but the NFC as a whole. ESPN's array of analysts all penciled them in as the Super Bowl representative for the NFC. They might not even make the playoffs! Our division rivals in Green Bay can now become comfortable next to Miller Lite, Megan Fox, and a decent personality in the "Overrated (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap)" column. They can blame it on the injuries, blame it on Mike McCarthy, or blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. It makes no difference to me. Nobody gave the Bears a shot (not saying that I did), but they found a way to weather the storm and play their way into the postseason. What else is looking up for the Bears may you ask? A better question is, what isn't? The other division favorite this year, the Minnesota Vikings, are without a quarterback, without a head coach, without a stadium, and will be watching "Without a Paddle" airing on TBS during the early months of 2011. I think the Lions season speaks for itself, so I won't even go there. Props on beating the Packers.

With the playoff clinching in the past. The Bears can now concentrate on devising a game plan to knock off the most arrogant team in the NFL, and their obnoxious head coach, Rex Ryan, who will without question be Trimspa's next ad campaign. Would it be sweet to knock off the Pack in Week 17 heading into the playoffs? Yea it would, but it doesn't really matter, we already clinched. Wisconsinites can add the season finale to the list of meaningless sporting events they've endured in their lives along with every single Milwaukee Bucks and Brewers game since 1998. Bear the eff down!

As for Pick of the Day, the only negative from Monday night's victory was that the Pulse Man lost his bet. I'm sure everyone who reads this must have been spitting nails. For tomorrow, the Pulse Man likes the new look Magic giving 3 to the Mavs in Orlando tomorrow.

Pick of the Day: Mavericks @ Magic (-3)- MAGIC

Record:(41-28-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Em-bear-assing

I promised myself at a young age that I would never quote U2, under any circumstances. I believe that U2, and more specifically Bono fans, are the collective nerds of the universe. They're the type of people who drive around with the top down in their Chrysler Sebring when the temp is in the mid 70's, blasting the Joshua Tree CD at an outrageous volume. When you are stopped next to these people at a traffic light, you wonder how in the world this guy is married as he belts out the lyrics to "Where the streets have no name" at the top of his lungs like he's the next Josh Groban. Seriously, U2 sucks, and so do their fans. But, the only conceivable way to describe the Bears/Pats game from Sunday afternoon is through the lyrics of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday". After all, that's exactly what yesterday was for the NFC North division leaders.

"I can't believe the news today,
Oh, I can't close my eyes
And make it go away
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long, how long..." -U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday"-

At least it's not like we didn't see it coming. Belichick and Brady own the snow. For most athletes, the previous phrase would have serious cocaine-abuse undertones, but when aligned on the same sideline, these guys just simply don't lose when the turf is blanketed with powder. A lot of Bears fans were ecstatic about the forecast, mindlessly proclaiming that this occurrence of "Bears weather" would slow down the Pats potent offense and propel the Bears to a huge statement win against the best team in the AFC. Well, I guess if you cannot move the ball, tackle the punt returner, or keep the opposition's first half lead under 30 points, the weather is not rightfully "yours".

As Bears fans who could barely feel their extremities filed into Soldier Field yesterday, they had no idea what they were about to witness. They endured one of the coldest days of the year in order to see their hometown team play a competitive football game. Instead, they were paying guests to a game that had me watching Titanic on the Oxygen channel midway through the 3rd quarter. Almost instantly, the Patriots made it clear that they didn't lose much momentum from last week's dismantling of the Jets, and once again hung an insurmountable first half deficit on their opponent. Sunday's game proved to us that the Bears will continue to struggle in the snow without a running game. And with another date in Chicago as well as a meeting in Green Bay with the Packers in early January left on the schedule, the Bears certainly have their work cut out for them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least we didn't lose to a Drew Stanton led Lions team. Now that's just pitiful.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man's pick remains in tact from Friday (unlike the Metrodome). He still likes Eli Manning and co. to beat the Vikings at Ford Field tonight by more than a field goal.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Patriot Games

In anticipating Sunday's game between the Bears and Patriots, we can expect to see two teams who have proven themselves amongst the NFL's elite in 2010. It should come as no surprise that the New England Patriots, led by their GQ QB, Tom Brady, and their head coach Bill Belichick, who will likely dress for Sunday as if he just got done tossing around dumbells in his suburban garage, are pacing the AFC as they have done for most of the past decade. For the Bears on the other hand, in a more fly-by-night scenario, they lead the NFC North at 9-3 and are using their stout defense and the recently stellar play of their quarterback, Jay Cutler, as the catalysts for their own success. So, as a date with a dynasty looms on the horizon for Sunday afternoon, the Bears prepare for what will be the ultimate measuring stick for their football team. Do they belong with the frontrunners for the NFC Championship? Or, will their right-place, right-time performance so far this season fail to answer the bell this weekend resulting in the Patriots smacking another opponent across the face on nationally syndicated television. Remember: last time Cutler used a measuring stick, it didn't turn out well (just kidding, of course).

With all records aside, this matchup is much more than a 10-2 vs. 9-3, AFC vs. NFC battle; it is the ultimate quarterback dichotomy. For those of you who don't understand what a dichotomy is (Pulse Man), I'll do this in what they call, 'Layman's terms', although I admit, that expression has always sucked. I mean seriously, who the hell is Layman? I feel like he'd be the kind of guy that would lead me to do absolutely nothing by 'his' terms. Anyway, here's the deal: every football fan in America wants Tom Brady to be their quarterback and respect him, and his shoulder-lengthed lettuce to the hilt. In Cutler's case, even his city's own fans, the die-hards who are supposed to blindly defend him like he's cast in the whirlwind of a Salem witch trial, deride him like he just moved in on a girl that we just bought a drink. I admit, I'm absolutely, 100% guilty of this myself. But why? Is it because Brady has two rings, had arguably the best deep threat in the history of the NFL, and a mastermind head coach on his side? And we berate Jay Cutler for having never had a winning season, using a collection of return specialists for wideouts, and a head coach named after a Build-a-Bear? In most cases, I think we'd be pulling for Cutler over Brady, recalling the classic underdog mentality that is so popular in American sports. Think about it: Butler vs. Duke, Diamondbacks vs. Yankees in the '01 Fall classic, the Boise St. vs. Oklahoma 'Statue of Liberty' game...America loves this garbage! Now think about how many really big Jay Cutler fans you know. How many Chicagoans do you overhear flagging a cab on Wacker (I've never seen anyone flag a cab on Wacker, so I wouldn't know) saying, "Man, I love Cutler. He's my guy. If he throws 4 picks again tomorrow, he's still our quarterback." Don't kid yourself, it's not the picks. Favre threw the same amount of picks and I know two guys with Favre tats (true story, they're inked with #4's on their arms).

Even in their personal lives, we have given Brady the benefit of the doubt. Brady dated the down to earth, Bridget Moynahan, extensively in 2004, then she had his kid, named it after him, and then Tom left her and instead married a Brazilian supermodel named Gisele, and around the same time coincidentally became the spokesman for Gillete. Hmmmm....And for Jay, he only went out and got the lead starlet from every man's guilty pleasure (The Hills, of course. If you show me a guy who claims to have never watched an ep of The Hills, I'll show you a liar) and turned her into a Bears fan. Still, we continue to demean Cutler's footwork like he doesn't know more about playing the quarterback position than we do, and simultaneously call his diagnosis with diabetes a result of him being a 'chub'.

Maybe it's how both men carry themselves. How Brady will get up in a teammate's personal space, cuss him out, and then headbutt him after he throws him a 56 yard laser for a Touchdown on the next play. How Cutler will whimsically fling a laser down the middle of the field without Johnny Knox within a country mile, have it picked, ran back for 6, and the camera pans back to him casually jogging off the field like it's a Thursday rep against the scout team. The fact of the matter is, Jay Cutler will never be Tom Brady, and to be honest, I don't think he wants to be. On Sunday, just do yourself a favor and analyze both haircuts, and the men behind them before you choose your allegiance. I admire Brady just as much as the next guy for his passion, leadership, and his supermodel wife. But If you still side with Brady (I'm leaning towards it even after writing this), thank his publicist, his stylist, and again, his supermodel wife. Just don't thank Cutler.

As for Pick of the Day, with his inaugural Saturday 6 Pack campaign behind him, the Pulse Man has set his sights on the end of the NFL season. For this weekend, the Pulse Man likes the Giants to come out on top by more than 3 in Minnesota this weekend. Whether Favre plays or not, the Vikings still suck.

Also, special shoutout to Neal "The Wheel" Therrien for adding to Chicago Sports Noise facebook following. I hope this gets you some ass Neal. If anyone else wants a shoutout, suggest some friends to the facebook page and consider it done.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

So Suh Him

In sweeping the Lions this season, the Bears have needed every second of every drive, and every extra hard-fought yard to secure the W on both accounts. Also in both cases, the Bears have used substantial help from the employed zebras to make sure that the silver and blue didn't end their 19-game NFC North losing streak against the Bears. We all remember that sunny Sunday in September to open the season when the Bears nearly lost to the Lions, but one of their few talented players, Calvin Johnson, made the insurmountable mistake of simply not holding onto a game-winning TD pass after he had already caught it. Fast forward a few months, and a few starting Quarterbacks later, and the Lions once again had a shot at winning Sunday at Ford Field, and shoved it away with disgust. In this situation, it just so happened to be the only other remotely skilled member of the Lions football franchise, Ndamakong Suh, that made the mind-bending misstep late in the 4th frame. Don't get me wrong, without the 15 yard walk-off that ensued when the Lions were penalized, they still would have had to march the length of the field down 7 behind the trusty arm of 3rd-stringer Drew Stanton, who was busy meandering the sidelines in a moisture-wicking visor carefully contemplating how he was going to answer post-game interview questions for the first time in his NFL career. It would have been a highly unlikely scenario to see the Lions bravely pull out the W, there's no doubt. But shouldn't they have had the opportunity? Was Ndamukong Suh's two-handed bulldoze of Cutler necessarily an illegal play? Are roid rage and premature baldness finally playing a part into how Sunday's referee, Ed Hochuli, impulsively officiates the game? All debatable points.

Imagine your Ndamukong Suh. I can foresee this as an idea that might be a bit difficult to tackle (no pun intended) considering none of you are 6 foot 4, 307 lb. Cameroon-born defensive lineman with a 7 foot, 3 inch grandfather (true story). Still, I'm sure you have all dreamed weirder dreams rolled up in the down cotton comforter of your twin bunk bed. So there is Suh, sprinting at full-speed and sees perhaps the world's most arrogant, smug little worm, Jay Cutler, tip-toeing towards the first down marker. Would I have held up and properly form tackled Jay if I were Suh in the given situation? Hell no, I would have laid him out with one of John "Bradshaw" Layfield's vintage "clotheslines from hell". But Suh didn't, he simply chased down Cutler at full speed and pushed him over like a 4th grade girl in an unnecessarily violent game of tag in the playground wood-chips. Sure, it looked bad from Hochuli's angle because Cutler hit the field turf at Ford Field like a sack of wet laundry. But is it Suh's fault he can embarrass a chubby QB without using his legs? According the NFL rulebook, I guess it is. And as a result, Lions fans will have to once again drive home from their state of the art facility with silver face paint running from their cheeks after shouldering another demoralizing loss in their Chris Spielman jersey. You know what that is? Pure.....Michigan.

As for Pick of the Day, thanks to avid blog follower, Doug "Alize and Hennessy" Wynn, for the tickets, myself, the Pulse Man, Jack "the Body" Groot, and good friend and absolute psycho Matt Poklop (if you don't believe me, follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/unclepdog)will be attending the Bulls/Thunder game tonight at the UC. With that in mind, although it is undoubtedly a bad bet with the Durantula in town and Carlos Boozer playing like a Hispanic immigrant who just received citizenry, the Pulse Man likes the Bulls giving 4.5 to OKC.

Pick of the Day: Thunder @ Bulls (-4.5)-BULLS

Record:(36-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Top of the North

Considering the way every one's dog, Michael Vick, had played the past weeks in prime time, we were convinced that the Bears would be yet another casualty in Vick's attempt to Vapo Rub the entire NFC out of contention. Vick came into Sunday coming off of two weeks of dismantling fellow NFC East opponents on national television, amassing more fantasy points in the process than any player in the league--further establishing his reputation as every 35 year old's "Fantasy Dream" instead of dating Jen Aniston or receiving free child support. But the Bears held Vick relatively in check during Sunday's contest in Soldier Field, and Jay Cutler flat out outplayed the NFL MVP front runner in his 4 touchdown, 1 unsportsmanlike conduct penalty performance in front of a national audience. So, are the Bears legitimately the best team in the NFC North? Or, are they going to show up next week looking as pathetic as a middle-aged dad draped in an Abercrombie sweater and stonewashed jeans? Only time will tell.

When the Packers lost "in the Georgia dome, at the fifty yard line, when the dirty bids kicked the 'tree" (Ludacirs, What's Your Fantasy), the Bears took a one game lead in the NFC North as 'Matty Ice' cracked open yet another 'Natty Ice' in celebration of his 19th home win in 20 tries, again adding to his growing legend. At this point, all the Bears can do is hope to win the division so they don't have to travel to Atlanta in their first playoff game. With an impressive resume that includes being undefeated in their division, as well as statement wins over the Dolphins and Eagles, it's still a feasible possibility for the Monsters of the Midway.

Nevertheless, the Patriots, Jets and Packers still lie ahead on the season schedule before we can crown the Bears champions of the NFC North. But at 8-3, it's the Bears division to lose and as little as I trust the combination of a man named "Lovie" and a chubby, smug captain who received the first unsportsmanlike conduct penalty I have ever seen by a quarterback, they exuded some confidence in the Bears faithful yesterday. May the windy city be at your back.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is officially 10 games over .500 at (34-24) and is mauling over offers from betting blogs across the country. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes 49ers on the road in Arizona. Although he advises you not to watch the actual game, he is confident the Niners will cover the 1.5 point spread.

Pick of the Day: 49ers (-1.5) @ Cardinals- 49ERS

Record:(34-24-0)

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Frost

McMahon's McMemory

Jim McMahon accomplished nearly everything his talent level alloted him to during his football career. His life and career began in Jersey City, New Jersey where he was somehow passed up for the lead role of Frankie Valli in the Broadway hit, Jersey Boys, urging him to chase down his football dream. Then, paradoxically, Jim took his talents to Provo, Utah to star first at punter, then later excelling at quarterback for the BYU Cougars, cementing his legacy as one of the best QB's in Cougar history (besides Steve Young, who may or may not be related to the actual Brigham Young, thus giving him an unfair advantage with the Mormons). In the NFL, he won two Super Bowls in the same building (the Superdome, coincidentally), with 2 rival teams (Packers '96 and Bears '85), against the same team (Patriots)--now that is just downright bizarre. He was also named to one Pro Bowl, showed up to his first NFL press conference with a beer in hand, starred in a rap video, pioneered the ridiculous 'QB's wearing gloves' movement, and was arrested for a DUI, all in one career. I think McMahon did everything under the sun in his near 15 years in the league except become a ploy in McDonalds' marketing campaign for the McRib (he was sidelined with bruised ribs in '84), which should have been a no brainer (no pun intended). What a career. Too bad Jim can't seem to remember any of it.

McMahon has recently made public that he has encountered severe memory loss stemming from the blows to the head he withstood during his 6 team, 14 year tour of the NFL as a starting quarterback. Now first and foremost, I am by no means belittling the NFLPA's passion-driven movement to gain increased benefits for players once they retire, and I'm definitely not downgrading the severity of head trauma that concussions can create later in life. But, I am in fact roasting McMahon's neoteric "cry for me" campaign like it's Comedy Central and I'm Lisa Lampanelli.

Perhaps the most thought-provoking comment that McMahon has made recently was his proclamation that he often times, "walks into a room and forgets why [he] walked in there." Really Jim? How many Labbat Blue's did you have before you walked into the room? Ever since the "punky Qb known as McMahon" left BYU, he has been trying to relive all of the microbrews, frat parties, and flapper girl moments he missed out on during his years in Provo. I'm not sure if Jim is completely aware, but much like a medical rap sheet of concussions, binge drinking may also have played its part in McMahon's recent forgetfullness 10 years removed from the NFL huddle. There is something to be said in this situation for the NFL lifestyle (see: Pacman Jones making it rain in the 'scrip club' as evidence), and with Jim's press-conference barley pops and DUI conviction on record, it's kind of hard to look away. It almost draws more attention to himself than those silly headbands did in his playing days. Perhaps they may have been wound a bit too tight.

On the other hand, McMahon's playing style as a QB only compounds the problem. Da Bears fans cheered as he dove head-first like Pete Rose for first downs and abandoned the conventional quarterback etiquette of the 'feminine slide.' Football is a gruesome game filled with visions, decisions and collisions with 300 pound monsters in which only a thin sheet of polycarbonate protects them from your dome. As a former NFL QB and now a spokesman for a male enhancement product I have two words for you Jim McMahon...protect yourself.

As for Pick of the Day, another day, another cover for the Pulse Man as the T-Wolves covered behind two of the most underachieving # 2 picks of all-time in Darko Milicic and Michael "B-easy" Beasley. For Tuesday, the Pulse Man is going to shift his gears to the NCAA basketball frontier as he likes Steve Lavin and the St. Johns Red Storm to cover the 3.5 points they're getting at Saint Mary's (CA).

Pick of the Day: St. Johns (+3.5) @ Saint Mary's (CA)- ST.JOHNS (-105)

Record:(31-23-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Bowl of Chilly

Going into Sunday's decisive game at Soldier Field, you have to admit, you were nervous because you had no idea what Minnesota Vikings was going to show up that day. And, our new "punky QB" tends to be a little schizophrenic himself and the Bears well, aren't that good. But the Vikes play the "two-face" role better than Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight and left us guessing whether the aging, injured collection of Norse warriors (vikings, get it?) plagued by the constant futility surrounding their inept, moron of a head coach team would show up. Or, perhaps the uber talented, explosive purple people eaters motivated by their collective aversion for their moron of a head coach would show up and beat the Bears by 10 points behind a QB that mirrored Burt Reynolds' character in The Longest Yard. Turns out, the Vikings couldn't rally around the tactlessness that has come to define Brad Childress, who has now established himself to be only one small peg above the whale that is former Cowboys coach Wade Phillips.

In the end, the Bears are 6-3 and 3-0 in the division. And even if those three wins are due to loopholes in the NFL's rule book, Monday Night Miracles and Billy Heywood-like coaching maneuvers, we'll take em. Yesterday's game at Soldier Field marked the first time this season in which the Bears actually performed to the level of play that their record would indicate(with the exception of the Packers game on MNF, but I'm convinced that Monday night game was somehow touched by the hand of god because he was offended by Clay Matthews' haircut). On Sunday, Cutler was tame in the pocket, delicately performing his "fairy dance" backpedal to perfection, then whizzing the ball around the field to his undersized receiving core. (Unrelated: the Bears top 3 receiver's #'s are 13,23 and 19. Shouldn't that signal the notion that you need to trade/draft/sign a real receiver? Whatever) Devin Hester proved his worth once again as one of the most dangerous weapons in the National Football League, and for that we can only thank Brad Childress, who consistently elected to punt to Hester and let him permeate through his special teams defense like they were armless amputees.

Every time the Vikings slipped further away from getting a much needed W, the cause always trickled back to the bearded bonehead in the headset on the Vikings sideline. When Favre frantically scrambled around the pocket like his clothes were on fire, only to carelessly toss a pick into the Bears secondary, you knew Favre was making whimsical decisions in spite of Chilly, and thus Brad, not Brett, was the man to blame. When Fox panned their cameras over to the Vikings sideline to show Percy Harvin, B squared, and Sid Rice all leisurely relaxing with assorted injuries, Childress was the man to blame for cutting loose the best deep threat of the past 20 years two weeks prior. I'm sure Randy Moss' "take the ball deep, take the top off the defense" soundbite was echoing in the collective ears of Minnesota. After all, you can't expect for Favre to successfully sling lasers to guys whose last names are one consonant removal away from translating into the Spanish word for 'yellow' and the largest city in the Texas panhandle (Greg Camarillo). On a cold, windy, November Sunday in Chicago, the Bears wanted nothing more than a big bowl "Chilly" to keep them both warm, and atop the NFC's North division. Although brad Childress is still on the Vikings payroll, he may want to start applying to be Tony Kornheiser's replacement on PTI so the sports world never has to sit through a half-hour of Dan Lebatard, or Bob Ryan ever again.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man has reached the 30 win plateau relatively quickly and can only thank his lack of a girlfriend for that result. For tonight, the Pulse Man actually likes the T-Wolves covering the 9.5 points they are getting in Charlotte. Kevin Love did have 30 and 30 last week, hopefully ESPN does a 30for 30 about it.

Pick of the Day: Minnesota (+9.5) @ Charlotte- T-WOLVES (-105)

Record:(30-23-0)

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Frost

No Moss Lost

On a day when most people internally weighed the decision whether or not to vote Dan Seals or Bob Dold("Dold with a D, not an E" as his TV commercial so annoyingly states) for congress, I was supremely concerned in conveying my piece of mind about possibly acquiring Randy Moss to the management of the Chicago Bears. And my vote is an astounding yes. Apparently Brad Childress just realized that Randy Moss occasionally takes plays off, says ridiculous things in interviews and likes to be fed well at team functions. Where has he been the last decade? Randy has been sounding off in press-conferences, dodging blocks like the bird flu, and running half-speed routes since he was drafted in 1998. Actually, even before the NFL Moss made sure he was in the headlines. He got tossed out of both Notre Dame and Florida State as an 18 year old. How this slipped by "Chilly", I'll never know. I'll let him continue to figure out how he can keep his team under .500 with the most talent in the NFC. But when the opportunity presents itself for the Bears to sign the most explosive wideout of our generation, you start "Jumpin Jumpin" like you're Destiny's Child.

I'm not saying Randy Moss' post-game press conference wasn't the definition of ridiculous, and I'm not saying that watching him dog routes like he was dressed as a three-toed sloth (notoriously the world's laziest animal) for Halloween simply isn't true. But, as a coach you have to know that you have to throw Randy the ball to keep him interested in the game. There's no doubt Randy has ADD, except the difference between him and a teenager is that his athleticism lets him get away with his predicament on the NFL gridiron, not a remedial class where the teacher is begging for his attention. And, so he supposedly lost his cookies on a caterer (no pun intended) and told the poor Tinucci's Restaurant owner that he wouldn't "feed this s*#$ to his dog". Who cares? Who is anyone to criticize Randy Moss' pallet? The guy's a world-class athlete and if he wants to berate food service managers during his free time, let him be. Everyone always criticizes him for what he does on the field, what makes this Gus Tinucci, culinary artist extraordinaire free from a little constructive criticism? Randy's dog probably eats damn good food.

If the Bears think that putting a waiver claim in on Randy Moss is a big chance, they're absolutely right. He's been thrown off two casts like he's Angelina on the Jersey Shore and he comes with more baggage than a flight from Barbados. But what Randy Moss also brings is the ability to stretch the field, provide great sound bites, and convert random 3rd and 27's simply by pointing him in a single direction. Randy Moss doesn't want to go to the Rams, or to the Seahawks, or back under the senile leadership of Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders. He want's to sip Alize and Hennessy with Devin Hester and turn Jay Cutler into the quarterback he has the potential to become. Pony up and make the offer. Don't forget, straight cash homie.


If you failed to watch any of the links, this video should suffice. Compliments to JYD

As for Pick of the Day, the Heat put up 129 points on the poor T-Wolves as they have once again established themselves as the worst team, scratch that, worst franchise in the NBA and suffered yet another 30 point defeat. For tomorrow night, the Pulse Man likes the Suns (+1) and one of his favorites, Goran Dragic to take care of business at home against the Spurs.

Pick of the Day: Spurs @ Suns (+1)- SUNS (-105)

Record:(28-22-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Sick of # 6

I thought we had put the past away (and stepped back from that ledge my friend). Apparently not. On Sunday afternoon, Cutler showed flashes of the 26 INT season he endured a year ago. Carelessly launching the football around the field with seemingly no sense of instinct for where his receivers were on any given play, ultimately leading to the Bears second straight home loss to a mediocre team with a morbid color scheme (Redskins and Seahawks? Come on). The Bears/Skins game had more turnovers than a danish bakery and the city is on Jay Cutler again--relentlessly blaming his ineptitude on his diabetes, cursing his socialite girlfriend with hateful responses to her recent "Me and Jay just carved pumpkins" tweet (true story). Prior to Cutler's arrival in Chicago, we used to compare Cutler and Brett Favre for their tremendous arm strength and their uncanny ability to place the ball in a window the size of a women's locker room peephole. Now, the only similarity the two quarterbacks share is in their ability to lure attention-driven cosmopolitan starlets to their hotel suite using the powers behind the camera application on their Droid Incredible.

Had Cutler thrown 4 INT's trying to make something happen to push the Bears into "Field Gould" range and swallowed his pride in the postgame press-conference, it would have been a different animal, a whole new can of worms if you will (shout-out Matt DeMars). Instead, Cutler completed more passes to DeAngelo Hall (4) than his Tight End and starting Running Back combined (3). He had two turnovers in the Red Zone: a goal line plunge fumble that stripped the Bears of 6 points, and a back-footed lob interception that turned into 6 points for the Redskins. Even J'Marcus Webb can do that Math--"that's a 12 point swiiiiing, y'aaaaaalllllll". Still, the most puzzling incident that happened on Sunday could have been Cutler's postgame press-conference in which he boldly stated "If we played them again tomorrow, I'd go at him (DeAngelo Hall) every time if I could." Really Jay? You threw four picks to the guy in one half. You would've had 5 INT's if Laron Landry hadn't tried to catch one of your errant passes with his dome, coincidentally giving offensive tackle Chris Williams his first meaningful stat of the season, a reception.

The good news is, the Bears get a week off to watch the Packers take a 1/2 game lead in the division. The bad news, the Bears next 'performance' isn't even in the United States and after the way the Buffalo Bills played Sunday, it is conceivably a losable game. If the Bills can win anywhere, it's got to be the frigid, baron wasteland of Canada. Hopefully Cutler can block out all the cheese-eating surrender monkeys dressed in denim outfits in the stands with their neckties roped into Windsor knots, chugging Canadian Club Whiskey and bloviating about the Canadian healthcare system and their mutual adoration for all things Northern Pike. I'm seriously scared about this Buffalo game; Fitzpatrick was born for Canada.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man salvaged his Saturday 6 Pack with a win in his 'Big Ticket' pick. Still recovering from his weekend at EIU, which presumably erupted on Sunday afternoon after hearing the news that alumnus Mike Shanahan took down the Bears, the Pulse Man likes the Heat in the opening game of their 2010-2011 campaign against the Brian Scalbrine-less Boston Celtics at a 'pick em' value (-105).

Pick of the Day: Heat @ Celtics- HEAT (pick em) (-105)

Record:(25-20-0)

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Frost

Sea-Sick

What a scene it must be have been in Seattle today. Dread-locked liberals slamming $9.00 Vodka-Crans at the Space Needle Observatory Deck, hippies playing the Nirvana Nervermind CD as loud as the stereo can go in their Hyundai Sonata, and then parading around Key Arena single-file draped in Gary Payton replica jerseys shouting "Bring Back our Supersonics". After all, the Seahawks won a road game against a team not named the the St. Louis Rams for the first time since December 2, 2007 (seriously, look it up). Today they can disregard the fact that they lived in a rain-soaked city in Washington state that smells like bad coffee and reheated fish tacos. Unfortunately, this day of Seattleite euphoria comes at the expense of the Chicago Bears and their fans, two of which I saw suffocating their post-game sorrows with a 4,000 calorie burger at Five Guys. But, a silver lining remains--the NFC North has morphed from one of the most competitive divisions in football to a branch of teams whose leader can barely keep their head above water.

Just when we thought Favre and the Vikes were just a few pieces short (no pun intended) of putting together another storybook season, they're back to 2-3 (2 games behind the Bears). When we all thought the Packers were the division's runaway favorite, they have more people hurt than were injured in the production of Murderball, which has given Wisconsinites a reason to complain to no end (hey, if you don't like injuries, I hear that Milwaukee is in the running for a WNBA expansion squad, so there). And just when you were about to count out the 1-5 Lions, they return rejuvenated in 2 weeks cured from the "Staff infection" that has plagued them since the 2nd quarter of week 1. Although the Bears are still in the NFC North driver's seat, they seem to trying to send a mass text while operating the vehicle and if they're not careful could be headed towards a disastrous accident with a stationary object.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

First and the Worst

I swear I was getting ready to be done poking fun at Todd Collins and his arthritic back. I wasn't going to ridicule him for his loose-sleeved jersey from the Jeff Hostetler era that only Brett Favre can wear nowadays, and even then you have to be a grandfather who sends illicit PIX messages of his flaccid penis and stumbling, inelegant voicemails to team media personnel in order to make it look presentable. Collins admitted to having one of "the worst games of his career on Sunday afternoon" and he was probably right. Unless he previously registered a QB rating lower than the Cook County sales tax percentage and completed 2/3 as many passes to the wrong team as he did his own, I'd say that Todd's 'self analysis' was pretty on point.

But the bears prevailed based on the fact that they played a team in Carolina that couldn't beat the Jeff Garcia and Maurice Clarrett led Omaha Nighthawks of the UFL the way they played yesterday. Matt Forte chewed up the putrid Panthers D by gaining 188 yards of total offense, and tying the Panthers scoring output for the entire game with one run from scrimmage in the 1st quarter. Granted, the Panthers are a bad team, maybe the worst of teams, but that doesn't change the fact that the Bears are standing alone on top of the NFC North like a stag date at their senior prom. At 4-1 with another abject of a football team awaiting them next on their schedule (Seahawks), the Bears are where nobody they thought they would never be moving forward in the 2nd quarter of the NFL season. Not even a gypsy with a set of tarot cards could have predicted the Packers to be in the shape their in, looking like the Emergency Care Unit at the local infirmary, and the Vikings All-American Boy QB un-zippering the fly of his Wranglers to take cell phone pictures for a girl only 4 years older than his own daughter.

Whatever happens during the rest of the NFL season, nothing can outdo the overall misfortune that has occurred to our rivals and Green Bay, and there is no way that anything can outrival the bizarre circumstances that are occurring in the Twin Cities. From here on out, if the Bears take care of business in the next few weeks against Seattle and Buffalo (blaming Canada is not an excuse to losing to the Bills), it is feasible that they only need to win 3 more games the rest of the year to get them into the playoffs with 9 wins. With the NFC West collectively being as pathetic as pop-singer La Roux's haircut, and the NFC East boasting only a couple of legitimate threats (one of which starts a volatile running back who threw his helmet in the stands and a coach who turns into a human tomato when the temp drops below 50),the Bears can sneak in the backdoor of the playoffs earning one of the two Wild Card positions if they do come apart at the seams like a pair of old Keds in the season's second half. I guess we'll all just hope and play (or hope and pray), the rest of the season.

As for Pick of the Day, the 'Saturday 6 Pack' was again a relative success in the fact that we haven't been shutout completely from covering one of the bets in all of the weeks so far this season. For tonight, the Jets/Vikings game has more subplots than the movie The Social Network and should be an interesting game to watch. Favre has made a career out of overcoming adversity, first with the pain pills, and now with the sex addiction, he is getting more in common with Brett Michaels every day. Add a VH1 miniseries in which he courts a coup of trailer-park prostitutes around Kiln, Mississippi (best pic I've ever found online)bailing hay as he eliminates each girl when they cant run a skinny-post to perfection, they're pretty much the same guy. With that being said, the Pulse Man likes Favre and the Vikes to cover the (4.5) spread in New Jersey tonight.

Pick of the Day: Vikings (+4.5) @ Jets- VIKINGS (-105)

Record:(23-17-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost