Dumping Demp

Aside from producing some of the worst noise to ever ruminate through the radiowaves in the form of Sum 41, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, Canada has no major problems. No major World Wars or political strife, a relatively stable economy, the homeland rights to perhaps the most desirable man and woman on the planet, Emanuelle Chriqui and Ryan Gosling, and an affinity for all things denim. Sounds like Heaven on Earth. Here on the North Side, the Cubs are looking to rid themselves of the lone Canuck on their roster who has been a lone beacon amidst a blanket of atrocity for the Cubs this season, RHP Ryan Dempster.

This year, Dempster has gone 5-3 with a 1.86 ERA, a 1.022 WHIP and an average of 3 strikeouts per walk allowed. As his hairline continues to recede, he has grown increasingly capable for the Cubs and has provided them with an anchor on their pitching staff that keeps them in a ballgame every 5th day. On Saturday against the Diamondbacks, Dempster earned his career-best 5th straight W and continued his scoreless inning streak to 33 dating all the way back to May 30th.

With the Cubs nesting as definite sellers at the trade deadline, it is only smart that they are looking to shop Dempster, Garza, and Soriano--if anyone is dumb enough to take on his mega-deal--but Dempster will certainly be missed the most by the franchise and Cub fans alike. What makes the 6'2'', 215 lb., 14-year vet so unique is his consistency. As arguably the most reliable sacrifice bunting pitcher in the NL, Dempster has also pitched 200+ innings and reached the double-digit win plateau in each of the last 4 seasons.

The Cubs are most likely shopping for prospects in moving Demp and will ceratinly miss his laid-back attitude in grooming some of their younger talent. He was a guy who was never afraid to embrace the city. In fact, he lives on Waveland and Wayne Ave., just 4 blocks from Wrigley and was seemingly the type of guy you would see running the lakefront or blasting the latest Raconteurs CD at a local Clark St. watering hole until he had enough microbrews to forget how to grip a 2-seamer. He was awarded by the Sporting News Magazine as one of the "99 Good Guys in Professional Sports" becasue of his genuine nature coupled with his philanthropy. His optimism and positivity in such futile times will be missed perhaps even more than his bizarrely unique windup.

In all likelihood, he will be moved to an AL contender like New York, Detroit, or even across town to the Sox, but it is clear that in enjoying the best season in a career that can be marked by its longevity, Demp will be off the market quicker than a 2-bedroom in Boystown.

If the Cubs are able to move Dempster to the Motor City, they could potentially land Nick Castellanos, the Tigers top offensive prospect at the ripe age of 20 who could be a long-term solution at the hot corner for the Cubs.

Another possible destination, of course, is the Yankees. If NYC proves to be the new home for Ryan, the Cubs will most likely garner pitching prospects in return and will watch Demp pitch well into October as they vacation in the Florida Keys.

In the words of the Gin Blossoms, "anywhere you go, we'll follow you down" (note the Franklin batting gloves worn by the drummer). Thanks for a great tour of duty on the North Side and only the best in the future. If only the Blue Jays were relevant they could make a play on their homeland hero.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes the OVER in the Pirates/Rockies game at Coors Field tonight set at 10.5.

Pick of the Day: Pirates @ Rockies- Combined Runs 10.5- OVER

Record: (64-54-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me.

Frost

Date of the Union

Today, not neccessarily July 11th, but rather the day after the MLB All-Star game is unique to any other day on the 12 month calendar in the sports world. You can almost hear Jim Nantz in his Master's voice articulating, "...a tradition unlike any other" as the camera scrolls across Augusta National to the tune of a light, harmonic piano. It's exclusivity from the rest of the calendar originates because it marks the only day each year in which no professional sports are taking place. Across America, you'll see strange things--grown men watching two-hour, "The Guys Tell All" reunion specials of The Bachelorette, sushi restaurants filled to capacity, and the ticket line for Magic Mike winding out the corner of the theater.

With no professional sports on the horizon for 24 hours, it seemingly marks the perfect day to address the state of all of Chicago's beloved sports teams. In typical Chicago Sports Noise fashion, I have decided to do so in a less than normal, but hardly original way. Thus, we will take a look at all things Chicago through the lens of a male in a budding relationship with a female. Seeing how as I have little to no experience in this field and haven't been a part of a functional relationship in some time, these comparisons may be muddled, irrelevant, confusing, but should serve as nonetheless entertaining. In a roundabout sort of way, this is an implicit attempt to remove myself from any remnant of a female following that once existed. For all intensive purposes, let's refer to the male in the case of the following situations as "Chico".

Chicago Bulls- Chico finds himself with his longtime girlfriend on the physical intimacy shelf (I came up with that term myself) with mononucleosis. Their past has been spectacular; Chico's girlfriend, in this case, Rosaline, can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. She cleans up nice, but can still cut it in the sweats and also lets Chico have the freedom to roll with the fellas every now and then. There's no way Chico is leaving Rosaline, but what the hell is he going to do for the next few months while she's on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list? If he tries to bring her out too early her spleen is susceptible to a rupture, but if he tastes too much of the outside world, he just might lose The One. If Chico were a smart man, he might have to indulge himself in a few girls nights. Not reruns of 27 Dresses on CW, but rather things like casual dinner dates with her friends, afternoon matinees, walks, things like that. Nurture the relationship, Chico. Before you know it, she'll be back to full-operation.

Chicago Blackhawks- Chico finds himself in a tough spot here. He's not where he used to be with the females (first round playoff loss)--a bit of a cold streak if you will. Years back he was can't miss. Hitting on girls in bars, ATM vestibules, El Stops. The guy was a real-life Jerry Seinfeld. Now, he finds himself readily single, but with a risque option on the table. Chico's rival from across town in high school recently split up with his girlfriend (Goalie Roberto Luongo), and she is canoodling around town like she's in a bad episode of Bad Girls Club. Chico knows he could close this, but what expense will this leave him with? He knows the chick is expensive and doesn't know if his billfold can handle the late nights click-clacking through the ritz of River North in her high-fashion pumps (Luongo will need a big deal to sign with the Hawks). If he gets her, sure it'll be great for a night, a weekend, or perhaps a month, and it will eat at his rival like when Costner closes Rene Russo over Don Johnson at the close of Tin Cup, but is the juice worth the squeeze? Metaphorically, of course.

Chicago White Sox- Make or break territory, Chico. Tough sledding. Chico's on date #3 with Whitney, a girl who he out-kicked his coverage to land in the first place, but he admits he has been on point in rounds 1 and 2 (first half of the season). Free-flowing convo, picking up tabs, playful, flirty humor--he's been an all-star. But, that conversational wall is lurking on the horizon and nobody can ever tell how far it is ahead of Chico's line of sight. Sure, he's got confidence, but will it last? What will he do in heeding the unforgivable awkward silence? From personal experience, this is exactly where the fold occurs. Can Chico make it, or will Whitney's ex (the Tigers) and his starch-washed Oxford shirts from J. Crew prove to be too much to handle. Only time will tell, Chico. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Chicago Cubs- This is all a trust game, Chico (Cubs with Epstein). Let her go on that vacation to the Virgin Islands. She's either going to cheat on you (another slew of horrible contracts for the Cubs and he moves back to Boston), or your patience with her will become fruitful in the long run. You invested in her and now you're pot-committed. I know it's hard to hang out with all these losers currently (the Cubs' atrocious lineup). Just wait and see what the fruits of your labor look like in a few years.

Chicago Bears- You got a hot babe, Chico. But, the fact of the matter is, your best friend's is hotter (Green Bay Packers). You tried to go slumming a little bit and prove that you guys are bigger party animals (pick up convicts like Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey), but your best friend's girl (insert Rick Springfield joke here) has been bringing the heat for years now. Also, your girl needs to get in the gym and tighten up that body (sign Forte NOW), or you're going to get passed up like you're standing still. All you can do is hope their relationship hits some rough patches and gets stale while you two look for the nearest karaoke bar to cover "I Got You, Babe" like Sonny and Cher.

Illinois Basketball/Illinois Football- In both cases, Chico is embarking on blind dates (new coaches). Although the show on UPN Power 50 would suggest otherwise, these hardly work out. Plus, the way these potential dates were described to you by the matchmaker were less than ideal (two Simpleton coaches from mid-majors in Ohio). Maybe you can catch a flash in the pan and find the spark, but it's a rainy night and you have a book of matches with about 3 to spare. Good luck.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the favorite and was bit last by the NL staff that conglomerated for a shutout of a vicious AL All-Star lineup. Since there are no games today, he has the day off. He deserves it.

Now I'm done. Rack Me.

Frost

A 'Star' is Born

Normally, when a 21 year-old stencils his name in urine on his neighbor's vinyl siding and is cited by the local police, people write it off as kids being "too young to know any better." Similarly, when you've recently turned 21, classifying you as the youngest player in the Majors and you're hitting .418 through the season's first three weeks, I guess you're also "too young to know any better."

As much as the Cubs' starting pitching this season has been as infuriating as an octogenarian breaking your cruise control on the Kennedy, Castro has been absolutely incredible. In the Cubs' recent trip to Colorado, a state conducive to hitting and "coexisting", Castro flourished by amassing 7 hits in the series' final two games.

In fact, the fresh-faced infielder who was born in 1990 already has six 3-hit games on the young season. In case you're not a Cubs historian, that's the most in the first fifteen games of the year since Clarence Birdseye's advent of a process for frozen food in 1925. That's right, the last time someone was making as much music as Castro in the batters box through the first three weeks, George Gershwin was writing 'Rhapsody in Blue'.

Ever since Quade inserted the north side's newest 'Star' into the lead-off spot, he has accepted the invitation graciously by going 18-32 with 8 runs, 2 doubles and 2 triples. I could sit here and spew stats at you until you're Cubbie blue in the face, but that is besides the point. The fact of the matter is, #13 is the April MVP of the National League (like anybody cares). Even more impressively, Castro has a knack for providing clutch hits and seeing-eye singles in pivotal moments of the game. It's not like Sammy Sosa cranking moonshots when the Cubs are either up by a touchdown or down by a decade on the stadium scoreboard. As of this season, he has been impervious to pressure and it has rewarded him by placing his name amongst the top 5 in the NL in runs.

The fact that he was barely recognizable in Wrigleyville last season is now a thing of the past. Now, Starlin is going to have to fend off more hangers-on with his boyish jive-talk than Tahj Mowry after Smart Guy blew up.

By no means am I predicting that Castro will continue his dominance into a .400 season or an MVP campaign, but when the player on your team with boatloads of potential is making the most out of his opportunities, it is refreshing. And for a Cub fan, it's unusual.

As for Pick of the Day, The Pulse Man likes the Pacers and the near dozen-point cushion they are being allotted in the Madhouse. By no means are either of us rooting for Psycho T, but a cover wouldn't be the end of the world.

Pick of the Day: Pacers (+11) @ Bulls- PACERS

Record:(64-52-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Spittin' His Game

In case you have failed to notice, Alfonso Soriano spits more than any other human on the planet Earth. Honestly, he's like a stable llama on Mucinex--it's disgusting. Watch for it, you'll undoubtedly lose your appetite. But for the first time in a long time, Alfonso Soriano is starting to spit his game in between the chalk lines at Wrigley rather than littering the dugout floor with his own saliva.

Through the first four games of the young season, our $136 million man has actually been relatively productive, particularly Monday afternoon in the matinee tilt against Arizona. Soriano had not one, but two timely hits in the span of a single game, which eclipses his total set for the entire month of April in 2010. He has become, if nothing else, the most feared 7 hitter in the National League.

If you think that I'm sitting in Alf's corner breezing him with one of those oriental hand fans, that's simply not the case. I'll admit, 'the hop' is stupid. He's a horrible fielder, he's prone to the strikeout, and he still speaks that incomprehensible Spanglish jibberish after 13 years in the MLB.

But if we've learned anything about #12 during his career with the Cubs it's that the more he is relied upon, the more he lets you down. High expectations weigh him down like he's doggy-paddling holding 50 lb. dumbbells. Take for example 2006, Soriano's last year with the Nationals. With their only aspiration for that season being to not be as poor of a franchise as the Washington Wizards, Soriano flourished. He hit .277, cranked 46 out of that supposed "pitcher's ballpark" in D.C. and snagged 46 bases, all while mindlessly voicing his personal preference to play the infield.

Since that successful season in the nation's capital, Soriano's totals have dropped considerably every year and he hasn't once stole 20 bases as a member of the Cubs. He's swiftly plummeted from prohibitive All-Star to yearly "fall guy".

Do I think that paying your 7th hitter that you often replace late in games for defensive purposes $17 million is a good idea? Not necessarily, but I think that Soriano can certainly benefit from it. Cub fans have become so disgruntled with bad contracts and underachieving free-agents on a yearly basis that voicing their displeasure with Soriano at this point has become a waste of breath.

On Monday, his two clutch hits, including his 2nd home run propelled the Cubs back to the .500 mark. If he can continue to outproduce Skip Schumaker, the Cardinals' 7th hitter and consummate league dork, the pressure should remain off Soriano's slump-susceptible shoulders. If not, this was all just me spitting into the wind.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Silva Lining

I had previously thought that Cubs manager, Mike Quade, didn't possess a "mean streak". I'm not talking like a Chris Brown/Mel Gibson anti-Semitic streak. Hell, I'm not even talking about the visible anger shown by the young, African-American couple in the State Farm commercial. I literally thought the "Q-Ball" didn't release his tension on water-coolers or overweight Hispanic starters, but Carlos Silva trashed Quade's staff and got shipped out of town faster than a Jansport knapsack full of hate mail.

With Silva gone, the Cubs have now freed themselves of all remnants of the Milton Bradley fiasco. In hindsight, if the Rangers sent the carcass of the Maine born American game pioneer who died in 1911 in their trade to the Cubs instead of the volatile, hot-tempered outfielder who would go on to hit .257 with 12 homers and proceed to blame the city, it would've worked out much better.

Then, as if Bradley's presence didn't already hamper the team like rheumatoid arthritis in 2009, they swapped him for a supposed baseball reincarnation of Gabriel Iglesias in 2010. Like Toby Keith says, "freedom don't come free."

At first, Silva was great. He was the "silver lining" to the Cubs' horrendous first half. Little did we know his cholesterol levels were at the same height as Ethan Suplee (pre-weight loss) and he could only muster 11.2 innings of work after the All-Star Break (with 11.12 ERA and a .426 OBA).

So when Andrew Cashner out-pitched Silva in Spring Training, you knew there would be tension between Riggins and the Silva Fox.

"Sometimes you just have to cut a man loose" Gary Bertier, Remember the Titans

In walks 6'6'', 200 lb. Andrew Cashner. First of all, do you have any idea how skinny that is? It's going to be all knees and elbows flying towards the plate when #48 toes the rubber. At least it will make us forget having to stare at Silva's frame for 3+ hours in the summer sun sweating like Adam Richman from Man vs. Food.

Still, even though Cashner is right-handed (Cubs still have 5 RHP starters) and has a grungy ginger beard that resembles Sheamus from the WWE, I'd rather have him out there than Silva.

It's always a different approach for a pitcher when he's in it from Opening Day. So enjoy your first 4 days off in the bullpen, sign some autographs and never use plastic in the 312. Straight Cash-ner, homie.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man came through in Women's tournament play last night as the Stanford Cardinal rolled over Gonzaga and covered the 9 point spread. For tonight, the Pulse Man will stick to his guns and his boy, Brittney Griner, to scoot by Texas A&M by more than 2 points.

Pick of the Day: Baylor (-2) vs. Texas A&M- BAYLOR

Record:(62-49-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Brewin' a Winner

While you are on your 'personal day' from work tomorrow with your eyes glued to the television like one of those 21st century poster-children who can text more words per minute than stenographers can type, take a brief moment off to think about baseball. After recently previewing the bottom 3 teams of the NL Central, we have now moved onto bigger and better things. And, it's my pleasure to say that I think the Chicago Cubs are in that category (my glass is nearly overflowing from being half-full). It is mid-March, a time period in which i know that college basketball reigns supreme, but with Illinois (our state's only representative) 24 hours away from yet another early exit, it might be time to focus our mind towards the MLB, more specifically the top half of the NL Central.

Brewers- I have to admit, I love the Brewers' ambition. For 2011, Milwaukee's "Crew" has done nothing short of pushing all of their proverbial chips into the proverbial center of the proverbial table. Their lineup has always been potent. After seemingly locking up Ryan Braun until his clothing deal with Affliction comes to a close (sometime around 2018?), the Brewers have an NL MVP candidate in the middle of their lineup. Plus, the Hebrew Hammer has more swag than anyone in the NL. The dude does more bat-flips and stare-downs after 400 foot lasers than a character from 'Ken Griffey Jr. Slugfest'. Also, to protect him, the Beermakers have the human cue-ball, Casey McGehee, to go along with everyone's favorite chubby Princess.

At the trade deadline last year, the Brewers opted to hold on to Fielder instead of trading him for parts, knowing all too well that they would get nothing more than a coupon booklet for assorted Chinese buffets after this coming season comes to a close. They also signed Rickie Weeks to a hefty off-season contract. The money's going out, and it seems obvious to think that the runs will be coming in.

But, what killed the Brewers a year ago was their men on the molehill. The Brewers somehow let Dave Bush start 31 games last year! And they expected to win? Turns out, Bush turned in Rick Vaughn spring training-like numbers and the Brewers didn't end up "#winning" (Charlie Sheen/Rick Vaughn, get it?) too many games.

So Milwaukee went out and rescued Zack Greinke from Kansas City. Poor guy got shipped from Missouri to Wisconsin; the first person, place, or thing to do that since a pre-packaged cube of colby-jack. Hopefully one day he'll have saved enough paper to retire somewhere entertaining, but that is neither here nor there. With the addition of Greinke and his wavering mental health, the Brewers now have a reasonable 1,2 punch in line with Greinke and Yovani Gallardo.

If Greinke and Gallardo each can muster 12 or 13-win campaigns in 2011, and Corey Hart doesn't ink himself up with another series of tribal forearm tattoos, the Brewers should have enough to finish on top of a bad division.

Reds- Dusty Baker, young power pitchers, a city deprived of anything meaningful in terms of baseball for a long time I think we all know how this story ends. It culminates with Dusty puncturing the roof of his mouth with his customary toothpick after he realizes he turned his ace's arm into a tube of Gogurt.

The Reds were last year's media darling. Joey Votto put up MVP numbers, Brandon Phillips played with a chip on his shoulder the size of his 34-inch bat, and the Big Red Machine was revived, or so the the people of Cincy thought. But Dusty Baker cannot escape his own curse. This Terrance Mann lookalike has had 2 winning seasons in his last 7 as a manager. What is he good for? Absolutely nothing. In the end, the Reds finish 2nd in the Central--a handful of games back of the Brewers in a close late-September race.

Cubs- The recipe for the Cubs success is very simple. The people who you are paying ludicrous amounts money need to produce. I know it's a novel concept, but it hardly has been a realistic one for the Cubbies over the past 5 years. For one, we've all realized by now that Kosuke Fukudome is not Ichiro, nor will he ever be--but he needs to stop swinging off the tops of his shoelaces. When his tenure in Chicago finally comes to a close, Fukudome's legacy will undoubtedly be a Clark St. restaurant in which he affectionately titles "A Wok to Remember" rather than his four years of hitting .260 and going through more shin-guards than an AYSO soccer star.

Along with him, Soriano and Aramis need to be remotely productive to keep the Cub fans off the guardrails of the Madison St. bridge. Then, Carlos Pena will only be asked to hit above the Mendoza line (.200) and crank a shot onto Sheffield every 4th game. Easy enough, right?

Another point of concern for the Northsiders is their starting pitching. They have less left-handed action in their rotation than a southpaw student with a bottle of lotion alone in his college dorm room. With all of these "ifs" laid out on the table, the Cubs do have some potential. They boast some rapidly improving young talent in Starlin Castro and Tyler Colvin; two guys who can will the Cubs to a few day-game victories when the rest of the team would rather be knee-deep in the whirlpool. Is this the year? Eh...no. But at least we're not the Pirates.

There you have it, your NL Central predictions. Regardless of who wins, the team that comes out alive will get swept by the Phillies faster than a crumb off of the counter in the NLDS. My glass is now officially empty.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man has added the Indiana St. Sycamores to his picks to cover tomorrow. They're getting 12.5 against the Syracuse zone in the opening round. I have no doubt that the Orange will see the 2nd round, but the Sycamores are a feisty bunch with the ghost of Larry Legend on their side.

Pick of the Day: Indiana St. (+12.5) @ Syracuse- INDIANA ST.

Record:(61-46-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

'Starting' Something

Same story, different day. I swear this sounds like a familiar plot-line. A corpulent, Hispanic starting pitcher takes the mound for the Cubs, gives up multiple moonshots in his 1st inning of work, calls out a corner infielder for making some negligible error, and a 'scuffle' breaks out in the Cubs dugout. Now I remember. That was the exact same situation that unfolded on June 25, 2010 (my 22nd birthday, mind you) with Carlos Zambrano and ex-Cub Derek Lee. This time, however, it was the Cubs' other volatile, right-handed butterball, Carlos Silva, that tried to go fist to cuffs down the dugout steps with Aramis Ramirez, or as I like to call him, "the Mexican Michael Wilbon". On both occasions, the Cubs pitchers have sounded off on their infield teammates for making errors while they're on the bump trying to fend off a forgettable inning. The fact of the matter is though, it's not the errors that set the inning awry; it was the sequence of lackluster fastballs and lifeless curves that you left up in the zone prior to the incident that resulted in a crooked number on the stadium scoreboard.

It has without a doubt been an inauspicious start to Spring Training for the Cubs defense (14 errors in 4 games). Literally, I wouldn't be surprised if Weird Al makes a long-awaited comeback to much fanfare in which he spoofs the 2011 Cubs with "Like an E-6", a play off the Far East Movement's signature track (actually not a bad video). But, where is the notion that they are all in this together? I thought pitchers, catchers, infielders and outfielders were all supposed to get along under Quade? He's such a calming presence. At least I figured with names like Ramirez, Zambrano, Soto, Silva and Castro in the lineup, they could all get along like an English Language Learners class at the Rolling Meadows Public Library. I guess not.

Although it is still a far cry from the regular season, this five-knuckle-shuffle in the Mesa, AZ dugout set off some warning signs. First, can't we just a keep a mini-fridge stocked with Modelo Man-Cans in the Cubs' clubhouse so Silva and Zambrano stay loose enough not to knock out one of the infield starters? Silva has already expressed dissatisfaction based on the fact that he hasn't already been named a part of the rotation after an All-Star caliber first half last season. Apparently, he forgot about joining enough chili-dog eating contests to send him into heart failure and only pitching 11 total innings in the second half (11.12 ERA). And finally, are we really going to start 5 right handed pitchers in the rotation? That's just asinine. Three words: We. Are. Marshall. And that has nothing to do with any Matthew McConaughey movies (that link is hilarious, I promise you).

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man got the win in SEC country last night as Vandy covered the 8 points allotted to them in Kentucky with a 2 point loss. For his next bet, after seeing the Wizards ghastly performance against the Bulls on Monday, the Pulse Man likes the Warriors in a pick em' contest in DC.

Pick of the Day: Warriors @ Wizards (pick em)- WARRIORS

Record:(59-43-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

On the Heir

Replacing a legend is no easy task. Just ask Chris "Izzy" Cole, Mark Wahlberg's character in Rock Star, who failed to live up to the hype Bobby Beers set forth as the front man of Steel Dragon. If that comparison doesn't do much for you, how about Tony Batista? Never heard of him? That's probably because he hasn't done a damn thing since taking over for Cal Ripken at third base in Baltimore in 2001. Quite frankly, neither have the Orioles. It's usually the same story: the Dolphins after Marino, the Celtics after Bird (the Dana Barros era), the Bills after...well, the 90's, etc. Granted, all of these instances are cases of on-field heroes; people who were directly involved with the outcome of the game. Even so, replacing a voice that transpires the game for a collection of people can be a task equally as daunting. A voice that people have familiarized a team with, a voice that has encapsulated a history of torment so deep, so ingrained in people's cultures that it has shaped their summers for a century.

This is exactly the predicament that Keith Moreland walks into. If you're my age, chances are the only time you've heard Moreland's name mentioned, if ever, was when he was immortalized in Steve Goodman's "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request" with the inciting line, "have Keith Moreland drop a routine fly." We grew up with Ron coming through the speakers of our car stereos. Even during the last years when Santo was really sick, he showed up to the ballpark most of the time. In his own right, Ron Santo was like Kurt Cobain during his final years of life in the mid 90's--he was sick, literally killing himself by showing up to perform, but you could never question the passion involved in his final product. Deservingly enough, they both had loyal followings that were heartsick to see them go.

Enter 'Zonk', the 56 year old Texan corner outfielder who helped the Cubs garner the 1984 NL East crown. The bad news, of course, is the aforementioned notion that he is replacing the irreplaceable. The good news is that he's sharing a booth with one of the best in sports. Honestly, Pat Hughes is as smooth as The Situation in the 'smush room' or the vocals on Norah Jones' first LP, whichever you prefer. It would be hard for Rosie Perez to screw up a Pat Hughes broadcast, so Moreland just needs to sit back, do his thing, and add some of the rhyme to the recipe that made Santo so beloved by generations of Cub fans--the color.

So when Pat asks Keith to "tell us about Paul Maholm, Zonk" on opening day, I wouldn't be disappointed or shocked to hear the following:

"To tell you the truth, Pat, I haven't seen much of Maholm during my drop-in substitutions for Bob Brenly while he was vacationing in Boca Raton last year. So, all I really know is what I have here on this sheet in front of me that was just made by a 24 year old intern named Tony from Melrose Park less than 12 minutes ago. Considering he's a Pirate and would rather be laying carpet (literally, not figuratively. Pervert), I would venture to say that Maholm throws an array of absolutely average pitches that the Cubs $100 million lineup should tee off on. Then again, it's opening day and look where we are...Wrigley Field in April, Pat. Anything is plausible."

Good luck to you, Keith. Godspeed. And may the summer winds of Wrigleyville be always at your back.

As for Pick of the Day, the Hawkeyes came through at Welsh-Ryan for the Pulse Man as he extended his winning streak to 3. For the weekend, since the NBA All-Star break is among us, the Pulse Man shifts gears to Ivy League basketball and likes Chris Wroblewski's Cornell squad to cover the 4.5 cushion they're getting at home against Harvard.

Pick of the Day: Harvard @ Cornell (+4.5)- CORNELL

Record:(56-39-0)

Also, I'd like to send a special plug to a friend of mine who is playing basketball professionally across the pond, Mr. Zach Kelly. As a former member of the Glenbrook North Spartans state champion squad in '05 and subsequently the team that knocked off the highly touted Lake Zurich Bears in 2006, I was reluctant to give Zach his fair share of recognition. But with Spring in the air, Chicago Sports Noise has decided to let its guard down and give Zach the notoriety he deserves. Check out Zach's blog (www.puttingtheproinsemipro.blogspot.com) for incriminating photos of fellow GBN alumnus, Sean Wallis. Also, for some more high comedy, check out ZK's team website (http://www.bradforddragons.co.uk/index.html) and don't forget to make a trip to the infamous "Dragon Store". I made a few purchases that I'll probably regret.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Marmol-ade

As the always intelligible Lil' Kim stated in her verse for the smash hit, 'Lady Marmalade', "hey sistas, soul sistas, bettah get dat dough, sista!" And that's exactly what Carlos Marmol did. The Cubs and their closer completed a deal Monday morning that will keep Marmol a member of the Cubs for the next 3 seasons at a reported price of $19 million altogether. Fine by me. After setting the K/9 record (nothing to do with dogs) at 16 per, making the All-Star team and plunking more batsmen than a disgruntled teen in Triple Play '99, it's the least we could do for the guy. A 3 year deal is perfect for Marmol, and the price, to me is irrelevant. Someone would have paid him if we didn't, so why not pony-up and cut the check for a man whose right arm is seemingly made out of the same rubbery material as Mick Jagger's entire lower body?

Why is 3 years perfect instead of a 6 or 7 year 'hockey deal' you might ask? Because the shelf life of a closer, especially in the National League, is roughly around 3 years. Give or take a few. These aren't air-tight bags of rice or cans of tuna in your maple cupboard, these are human beings who have to deal with the emotional and physical stress of only appearing when they are susceptible to screwing up. Remember what happened to Eric Gagne? In a few years, Brian Wilson's beard will be the same as Robbie Hummel's sideburns--non-existent and completely irrelevant. That's just the nature of the beast with these guys.

The back-end of the Cubs bullpen looks good to me though, and I mean that in the most non-sexual way possible. If Kerry Wood can be a consistent set-up man from the right side and my main man Sean Marshall can deal from the left, the Cubs seem to have a nice path to get to our 28 year old, Dominican closer with Reggie Miller's ears in the 9th inning. Building a lead? Now that might be a problem.

The year Marmol put together in 2010 was truly something spectacular. As I mentioned earlier, he broke some records, buckled some knees and held opponents to a .154 clip against him. Granted, he's going to issue 3 consecutive free passes on occasion and cause every octogenarian Cub fan to fall into cardiac arrest. But most of the time, he finds his way out of it in the most exhilarating fashion possible (3 straight K's). Whether it be with his frisbee slider or with his tailing fastball, Carlos makes professional hitters look those poor 11 year old kids who had to spend the summer of 2001 trying to touch a fastball from a kid 5 years their senior (Danny Almonte). I'm glad he's locked up. Marmol, not Almonte.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the OVER in the Cavs/Clips tilt on Friday night and they covered by almost 40 points. What a game it was. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes Kansas St. getting 6 points at home in the Little Apple against in-state rival Kansas. If nothing else, Frank Martin's neck veins should be fun to watch.

Pick of the day: Kansas @ Kansas St. (+6)- KANSAS ST.

Record:(53-39-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Right-Hand Men

After the Bears' overachieving 2010-2011 season came to a disheartening end on Sunday afternoon and sparked the Twit-world into a frenzy, it is now time to refocus our frustration to Clark and Addison St. No, I don't mean go to Wrigleyville and drown your sorrows in $6 draft beers from Murphy's Bleachers, a place where I'm pretty sure I saw a kid without a middle school diploma sneak by the bouncer on one occasion. I mean Cubs baseball. As we sit through another February in the Windy City, scraping the windshields of our frozen mid-size sedans and wrapped up in scarves shielding the frigid air like we're Oliver Twist, Cubs baseball is on the minds of many. But in thinking about the Cubs comes the constant questioning of their motives in the front office. Already in 2011, the Cubs have signed Matt Garza, a promising, relatively young smoke-thrower from Tampa Bay, but then had to trade Tom Gorzelanny, an Evergreen Park, IL (Marist High School) native who actually did a decent job stopping the incessant bleeding during 4-6 game skids a year ago. So now the Cubs have a 5 man starting rotation that is without a southpaw (Zambrano, Wells, Garza, Silva, Dempster) in a division that is strung with mostly right-handed hitting dominance (Pujols, Braun, Holliday), but still boasts some left-handed power (primarily Votto and Fielder). All I'm saying is, eventually the Cubs will need someone who can deal from the first base side of the rubber. Now, whether or not that opportunity falls on the shoulders of my favorite Cub, Sean Marshall, or some shmohawk we pick up from a designated assignment with the Altoona Curve (a real AA affiliate of the Pirates) remains to be seen. In case your forgot about how we here at CSN feel about Sean Marshall, let me refresh your memory with this tidbit that was written in July of 2010.

"Sean Marshall- Sean Marshall may seem to possess a prudent, level-headed demeanor, but lets get real. Look Deeper. You KNOW at Virginia Commonwealth he was stumbling into his brown, 3 story 'should-be-condemned' off-campus house (equipped with wood siding and 5 burnout roommates) 2 hours before the first pitch of a Saturday double-header. This guy is no stranger to getting asked to leave John Barleycorn for falling ass backwards into the private party room, reeking like he's been drinking gasoline, asking some rich stockbroker if he can bum a Parliament Light while he ogles the broker's rail-thin girlfriend. Of course, he is also familiar with rolling over in his hotel room in a drunken stooper on a 12 game west coast road trip, and blowing his nose in a shitty, mesh batting practice hat because he is too hungover to gallop to the bathroom for some 5-star, quilted TP. He is also not a stranger to pouring a little Svedka in his Riptide Rush in the bullpen like a freshman coed at a homecoming football game. Some might think "Sean" is an Adonis. Not me, he's a one man party. He wears button down shirts with the top four buttons undone, and dark-washed jeans with vine-like embroidery on the back pockets. You heard it here first. Girls don't really care too much for him because after a few drinks, he starts acting like a frat boy at VCU's flag day parade in mid-July after taking down 12 cans of Natural ICE. Sorry, I got a little carried away with Sean. I feel he deserves it."

For what it's worth, I'm still optimistic for the 139th season of Chicago Cubs baseball. Maybe that's because they haven't even played in a Spring Training game yet, or maybe it's because it's 10:15 AM on a Tuesday and I'm writing blogs for free and desperately need something bigger than my body to consume my free-time. Either way, we got some oldies but goodies (Kerry Wood and Reed Johnson) back for a second go-round with the Northsiders this year and a few free agents (Pena and Garza) who are used to playing in a dome named after an Orange Juice manufacturer and a skipper with horned rimmed specs. It can only go up from here.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man will take the Boilers tonight (+8) in Value City Arena against the #1 team in the land. Personally, I think U of I should have clipped the Buckeyes on Saturday, but it's not always Wine and Swiss in the Big 10, sometimes you have to gnaw on the bread and butter for a while to get your meal. Boiler UP Also, I just recently saw the UCONN/Marquette spread, which is set at MU (-4.5), and nearly caused me to scream an obscenity at my desktop comp. So, if you want to get paid, I advise you to bet on both games. If you want to get greedy, go ahead and parlay the two, I still like your odds.

Pick(s) of the Day: Purdue(+8)@ Ohio State- PURDUE
UCONN (+4.5)@ Marquette- UCONN

Record:(47-34-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Trading Races

Trading prospects and potential for guaranteed mediocrity--that's the Chicago Cub way. I thought everyone already knew, but as the late Notorious B.I.G would say, "If you don't know, now you know, n*#%$@." The news of the Cubs trading for right-handed pitcher, Matt Garza, hit the media outlets in Chicago early this morning and for the first time since probably the early 20th Century, both Cubs and Sox fans are rejoicing. Sox fans, of course, are glad to see Garza leave the American League so they don't have to face the power-pitching starter who consistently ranked atop the AL in opponent batting average (.222 in '09, .238 in '10). As for Cub fans, they are excited to have acquired yet another solid right-handed starter without adding a legitimate set-up man or a left-handed starter that isn't Tom Gorzelanny. Us Cub fans can be so naive at times.

Looking under the microscope at this winter exchange, we can see that the Cubs probable rotation for 2011 will be Zambrano, Garza, Dempster, Wells and Silva. Or at least that's what I would assume it would be based on each pitcher's success from a year ago. But, you have to throw a lefty in there somewhere, right? So toss in Gorzelanny and 13 extra losses in 2011 and there you have it. Go Cubs go. 2011 is probably not the year, again. I'm not faulting Jim Hendry for making a play for Garza. He's a solid pitcher who has become accustomed to relative success in the two best small-market franchises in baseball that play in the two worst venues in professional sports (Minnesota and Tampa Bay). I'm sure Matt is thrilled to be coming to Chicago. He can finally pitch in front of a sell-out crowd in May and not 1,200 disinterested morons and Dick Vitale like he did in Tampa Bay. But the catch for the Garza trade is that Jim Hendry went out and got what he already had. That's like asking the conservative, National Honor Society hottie to the homecoming dance, but you get sour grapes when you find yourself in a group with guys who are going with smokeshows who wore a short dresses and have limited inhibitions. Sure, you look like a prince at the picture party, but what happens at 11:00 when all of your buddies are making out to Sean Paul songs while your asking your date what colleges she is thinking of attending? Not a good situation I'm sure. That analogy wasn't based on actual events, I swear. I would be a lot more proud if it had been.

Also, it may go unnoticed at first, but I think the Cubs lost a real gem in Jewish, spark-plug outfielder, Sam Fuld. He was a great spot-hitter/pinch-runner for the Cubs bench and was extraordinarily versatile. He should fit in well with Tampa Bay and their small-ball style of play. And for Chris Archer, I don't know much about him but he sounds like he had great potential (that's all anyone can really say, right?).

When the deal was finalized Friday morning, I did my normal Wikipedia background check on Matt to find out what he's all about. Before I searched, I recalled that I am normally always a little apprehensive about people with American first names and Hispanic surnames, it just gives me a weird vibe. Maybe that's George Lopez and Mark Sanchez's fault, I don't know. I noticed he has a trademark bushel of hair he calls a goatee and pencil thin sideburns, so things didn't exactly start off on the right foot. Then, I realized that he is extremely vocal in helping people deal with teen pregnancy since he encountered the life crisis himself. He has spoken on panels with Hayden Panettiere and Bristol Palin about the taboo topic. So right there we found out all we need to know about Garza's future in Cubbie blue. He has the discipline not to leave his childhood sweetheart and runaway with Hayden and watch I Love You, Beth Cooper every day for the rest of his life. And, he has the patience to listen to whatever anyone in the Palin family has to say without knowingly driving himself into oncoming traffic, so a century long drought without a World Series ring shouldn't be too much of a problem.

As for Pick of the Day, after winning two bets earlier in the week, the Pulse Man likes the Hornets covering the 8 points they're getting in LA from the Lakers on Friday. Have a great weekend!

Pick of the Day: Hornets (+8) @ Lakers- HORNETS

Record:(44-30-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

An Open Booth

If I was asked a week ago, I could've dedicated an entire months worth of blogs taking jabs at Ron Santo. How his broadcast partner, Pat Hughes, was paid in part for his play-by-play on WGN radio, and partly for babysitting a 70-year old mental patient who was a once upon time decent 3rd baseman. I could've peppered this blog with cracks at his borderline midget son, who consistently wailed profanity-laced tirades at the Pulse Man after he intentionally walked him in our monday night softball league, only to call for a courtesy runner and proceed to pound wine coolers in the visiting dugout (believe it or not, that's 100% true). I could ramble on about how he was the spokesman for his own induction into Cooperstown, or how his previews of opposing pitchers included nonsensical tidbits like "this guy's curveball really moves" and "he's got a changeup too, this guy". We could argue a case for Santo as quite honestly the worst color man since Guglielmo (best first name ever) Marconi invented the radio in 1895. This blog could be a lot of things, but in the end, Ron Santo was ultimately more Cub than scrub, except of course for that year he spent on the South Side in '74.

You can question his broadcasting talent, his knowledge of the game, and often times, his sanity; but you could never dispute Ron Santo's allegiance to the north siders. Santo is every much a part of the Cubs tradition as the ivy, the bleachers, John Barleycorn, and never winning. He faithfully stood by the Cubs in the 60's, when they won at about the same percentage as your shot at next week's Powerball. He was the Cub 3rd baseman during the Kennedy assassination, our country's first landing on the moon, the birth of the Beatles, and the entire Vietnam War. He then proceeded to be the Cubs' radio color man for Kerry Wood's 20 K performance, Sammy Sosa's record-shattering season in '98, and (gulp) the Bartman game. Santo lived through more events while affiliated with the Cubs franchise for over 4 decades than Forrest Gump did in a nearly 3 hour biopic. His trademark groaning over the radiowaves made his voice the infamous sound of a tortured team. He was adored by so many for his unyielding allegiance to a team, a uniform, and ultimately, a city. As a figure, Santo embodied the devoted passion, utter hopelessness and miseducation that every Cub fan holds close to their heart.

If you love the Cubs, Santo came as part of the deal. You couldn't escape his wandering stories that spanned across 3 innings without ever achieving an actual premise. After battling baseball, diabetes, and a god damn billy goat for 70 years of his life, Ron Santo's voice will only now live on as an echo in the corridors of the Friendly Confines. Next to Harray Carray's "Holy Cow" and Ernie Banks' "Let's play two" will forever remain Ron Santo's "Ohhhh, NOOOOOO!"

As for Pick of the Day, revealing the actual identity of the Pulse Man resulted in a "brutal brother" defeat Wednesday night. Because of Wednesday's attached picture of the Pulse Man, I was forced to answer questions as to whether that was the actual Pulse Man, or a google image result of the word "helpless". As a result and as a thank you to all of you, the Pulse Man has included his final Saturday 6 Pack of the College Football season.


Saturday 6 Pack

2 Team Parlay:
1. Auburn @ South Carolina- AUBURN, moneyline
2. Washington (-6) @ Washington St.- WASHINGTON

3 Team Parlay:
1. Nebraska (+4.5) @ Oklahoma- NEBRASKA
2. USC @ UCLA, Total Points-54- OVER
3. Florida St. @ Virginia Tech, Total Points-52- UNDER

'Big Ticket' Pick of the Day:
Pittsburgh (+2) @ Cincinatti- CINCY

Record:(36-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Upper Management

When I initially heard that the Cubs removed the interim label on Mike Quade and gave him a full-time position, it felt like Mike was a 22 year old, recent college grad who had been intensely filing documents and stuffing envelopes all summer to get the full time gig at a company he never really dreamed would employ him. In the end, that's exactly what Mike Quade's rise to prominence in Cubbie blue has become, except of course that Quade's not 22, he's 53 going on 90. I guess that's what 16 years in the minor leagues riding buses from Macon, GA to Scranton, PA trying to explain how to calculate Slugging % to every mid level prospect will do to a man. Obviously, Quade wasn't the home-run signing that most Cub fans longed for in their next manager, but perhaps he's just what the Cubs need. Not a guy who is going to make national headlines, but someone who goes about the nature of his business in his own way and finds the success that he deserves. Mike Quade is a journeyman. Whenever you manage a baseball team referred to as the Vancouver Canadians, who don't display their talents on a sheet of ice, and then go on to manage a team with a history (good or bad, it's still history) like the Chicago Cubs, that's the only way the sports glossary can describe you.

In reality, Quade's got a little bit of everything the Cubs wanted in their new skipper. Fans babbled about how Joe Girardi was perfect because he was the hometown hero. He grew up as a Cub fan, went to Northwestern, came up in the Cubs system, and now the opportunity was there for him to become the next manager. But Mike Quade is not far off that path. He was born in Evanston, went to Prospect High School (shout out to my main man, Jeff Heiden), took a detour to the University of New Orleans so he could check out some boobs at the mardi gras parade while he was still in his prime, and gave a run at an MLB career that got him about as far as the entire cast of Major League: Back to the Minors. Cub fans also adored Ryne Sandberg's label as a "players manager". Oh, how he was masterful at winning games in AAA Iowa. Give me a break, Wavin' Wendell Kim could have won a pennant with the talent that Ryno had in Des Moines (Colvin, Jake Fox, Hoffpauir, all in the last 2 years). His only pro experience was being on a dozen Cub teams that were mediocre in the mid 90's before about 7,000 fans a game.

Mike Quade is not going to be the kind of guy who plays Kosuke in right every day because he wants free takeout from Chens on Clark. He's not going to tolerate Soriano loafing towards a double in the gap and then proceeding to bitch-arm it back to the cut-off man. As evidenced by his late season benching of Starlin Castro, those days are over. The Cubs aren't going to clear their bank accounts this year so they can add more 'left handed power' or a 'veteran starter' like the desperate guy who tracked down Demi Moore in Striptease. They have the pieces around them. There's no doubt about it. Maybe for once the Cubs will string together a season prided on team chemistry and timely hitting rather than another over indulgence in Home Runs and ERA. Maybe Mike Quade's irrepressible nature will rub off on the royal blue pinstripers. Then again, maybe not. They are still the Cubs.

Pick of the Day: Phillies @ Giants- PHILLIES(+105)

Record:(25-19-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

October 14th- 'Oh, What a NIght'

Today, as many of you have hopefully already realized after putting in a full-day selling insurance, helping people help people at your logistics job, or simply lying on your 3 piece sofa going hard at a box of Triscuits,today is October 14th. Some of you fashion virtuosos may know the fourteenth day in the tenth month as the birthday of designer Ralph Lauren (happy 71 Ralphie). More likely, if you read this blog, you realize that it is Stacy Kiebler's 31st today and you sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday that reeked of desperation and abstinence. Or, you could have simply opted to send Usher a "Oh myyyyyyyyyyy, gosh, you're 32!?!?!" tweet and called it a Thursday. However, what most of you didn't wake up and associate with 10/14 is that it was the date that Steve Bartman cast the inveterate shadow over the left field foul line at Wrigley Field. Bartman (swear to god I first typed 'batman') reaffirmed to everyone that the combination of a green turtleneck and a Walkman can get you killed in public, and also forever gave us a reason to remember Moises Alou besides the fact that he openly admitted to urinating on the appendages at the end of his arms. Thinking about Bartman, and then thinking about where the Cubs franchise is at right now might make you lose the Nacho Chessiers and 4 'fun size' Snickers you had for lunch. But 7 years removed from the incident, if we have any grip on reality at all, we realize that blaming Bartman this whole time made us look like we were using scapegoating as a defense mechanism like a bunch of woebegone, pre-teen misfits.

I'm not saying Bartman wasn't in the wrong. I can't sit here and type that if Bartman doesn't flounder over that foul, fly-ball that things would've been different. That's just a wish right? A presumption if you will, which is the one things that Cubs fans do best. We say things like "If it wern't fa dat mohr-on f*%#2-in up dat flyball, we woulda bin in da series" or "Sorian-oh man, always hoppin around like a BUM, that guy's got a rag-ahmmmmmmmm, what a piece of s*^#, how much do we pay dat shmuck?" It's almost as if Bartman was predestined to be one of God's most pathetic creatures--a Cub fan. The kind of guy who actually believes that ballplayers like Terry Mulholland and Aaron Miles can be a part of 'next year'. The people who wave their W flag below the stars and stripes some 75 times a year (rough estimate of next year) and raise their child's baseball career on the imprecise insight of Ron Santo.

All that October 14, 2003 and the allegations of Steve Bartman as public enemy did was cement in time another date that people will bear in mind about the Cubs choking like when Karin Kinsella when she fell off the Field of Dreams bleachers. People outside the city don't remember Alex Gonzalez booting that ground-ball that would have ended the inning had he turned a routine double play, or they forget that we sent Prior and Wood (32-17 combined in '03) to the mound in consecutive games only needing one win and came up short, or that they were up 5-3 at one point during game 7. It's all wash, all we think about is Bartman. A 35 year old Notre Dame High School graduate who refused a $25,000 purse and refused to autograph a picture of himself for the National Sports Collectors Convention. God knows he needed the money, and god knows Chicago needs the Cubs.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Attempted Bat-tery

In one of the most bizarre sports occurrences since Greg Oden officially became world renowned as a cell phone photographer, Cubs outfielder Tyler Colvin has been placed on the disabled list for the rest of the year due to a punctured chest from the stray end of a broken bat. Earlier this week in Florida, Colvin nonchalantly jogged towards home from 3rd base after a base-hit from Cubs catcher Welington Castillo (if you gave up on the Cubs in August, you might be wondering who this is? I don't blame you) and unknowingly walked right into a Louisville Slugger that looked as if it were javelin'd from section 245. I understand this is not a laughing matter, and thankfully Colvin is ok, but to say that his abrupt end to the 2010 season was anything but completely abnormal would be far from the truth. The fact is however, Colvin was one of the 2010 Cubs' most productive bats (no pun intended) this year, and is a cornerstone in their September youth renaissance that prompted thousands of Wrigleyville apartments to blast "Wake me up when September ends" instead of the effervescent "Go Cubs G0".

With the constant disappointment and ultimate distress that the 2010 Cubs provided us with, Colvin was a dependable bright spot in the Cubs lineup. And, even though he had a few instances in right field this season in which he looked like Mr. G from Summer heights High attempting to play a flyball, his overall attitude, effort, and consistency proved him to have a more productive bat than the ever-incapable Kosuke Fukudome, who is only praised by Cub fans for his ability to draw woks (did I mean walks? Naaa)

Colvin finished up the season hitting a respectable .254 with 20 HR and 56 RBI's after appearing in only 6 games the year before. After Theriot and Fred Durst's soul patch were shipped to LA in July, TyCo made a serious case in vying for the next jersey purchase of mine. It is nice to see a former Cubs first rounder (13th overall in 2006 out of Clemson) produce on the big league club instead of being shipped for some casual outfielder with a careless demeanor as we watch the intangible attributes of our former prospects succeed in a different city. Hopefully, once Tyler fully recovers from the initial shock of being inadvertently struck in the chest with a flying, wooden bat and the countless amount of splinters that seemingly followed, he can concentrate on being a positive contributor to the 2011 Cubs, which are still on their first date with success next year.

As for Pick of the Day, The Pulse Man's 'bet against Bush' campaign seems to work in betting against the Milwaukee Brewers, and perhaps the Texas Rangers (never really thought about it). Still, the Pulse Man is back to 8 games over and tomorrow night likes the under in the Rays/Yanks developing AL East rivalry which is set at 10 1/2.

Pick of the Day: Rays @ Yankees- Total Runs 10.5-UNDER (-100)

Record:(21-13-0)

Scammin' Sammy Slammin' the City

First off, let me start off by informing you guys that I really didn't want to write about the Cubs today. Nobody wants to hear about them being 20 some odd games under .500 and picking up a meaningless road win against the lowly Nationals and Donkey Dunn last night--I completely agree. But, with the blog previews of college and professional football looming on the horizon for later this week, I figured it was probably the last time I would write about the Cubs for at least a week or so. I won't bore you with the intricacies of comparing the distance of John Daly's 9 iron with the hardest hit ball of Darwin Barney's life, or discussing who if Mike Quade is now officially a more famous Prospect High School alumni than Lee DeWyze, rather I will be discussing the moronic undertones involved in Sammy Sosa's comments directed towards the Cubs in Chicago magazine recently. If you are unaware of what he said, please read the paragraphs below and keep in mind that Sosa had the most serious of intentions when quoted for this article. Because of Sammy Sosa's deep thinking mentality,(remember, he corked a bat for batting practice and "mistakenly" used it during the real game) I have chosen to dissect Sammy's monologue piece by piece. I think we all get a better understanding of his rationale that way, which may or may not be more sideways than the post motorcycle accident thinking of actor Gary Busey. Don't forget, he was once a cub himself.

"My numbers should be untouchable because of the things that I did for that organization, that right there shows me that they don't care about me and they don't want to have a good relationship with me." Slammin Sammy

It is important to realize that all of these quotes were spoken in the Sammy Sosa spanglish (not the Adam Sandler movie) accent that is about as comprehensible as directions from a gas station attendant at a highway Citgo. As for the content, what numbers are you talking about Sammy? Oh yea, the numbers you achieved when you were funneling human growth hormone pills down your throat faster than Adam Richman takes down a pastrami sandwich? Why would we care about your tainted numbers that you achieved through cheating? Should we acknowledge a 12 year old's accomplishment when he cheats at scrabble and assembles "sup" as a credible word? No, we don't. I'm not sure what you were taught in the DR with all the birth certificate forging (one of the top 10 sports interviews of all time) and mass consumption of animal tranquilizers that goes on over there, but when you cheat in professional sports, nobody acknowledges "your numbers". And we should be taking care of you because of the "things you did for the organization"? Things like thrusting the Cubs into the steroids spotlight of the MLB in the mid to late 90's and embarrassing yourself and the Cubs by being a grown man who couldn't withhold from the temptation of cheating like some unprepared sophomore on a high school economics test? Nobody wants a relationship with you Sosa, not the cubs, not even any female after the skin pigment disease you just encountered that can probably be attributed to injecting needles into your rear end incessantly in 1997. Just do us all a favor and disappear. (didn't have the heart to insert a Ken Caminiti joke here because even dead or alive, that man still scares me)

"My numbers don't lie. Everything I did was so big--my career was so good--that even if people want to scratch it from the board, it's not going to happen. Those numbers are going to stay there forever."

Once again in this excerpt, Sammy refers to his beloved "numbers" as his calling card for why he should be more respected around baseball. He even exclaims that his "numbers don't lie" when in actuality, his numbers do nothing except lie. How are those numbers in good faith when we never really know if he used a corked bat, or if his testicles were the size of Sun-Maid Raisins after all of the steroids his body endured. And to say his career was SO good is another thing that should be called into question. In order for a player to have the right to refer to their career in that light, they better be a first ballot hall-of-famer or have the same egocentric complex that Rickey Henderson possessed (note: Rickey Henderson was also a first ballot hall-of-famer). But, Sosa will not be that guy. He will be remembered as a player whose team never was in contention and who did nothing but botch outfield assists like a left fielder in a Pony League game (the kid that picks his nose and has no motor skills always plays RF at that age--just like Sammy), be a perpetual strikeout victim, and hit a tainted home run in every 5th at bat when the Cubs were already down 6-2 in the late innings. Maybe his numbers will stay there forever, who knows? Who cares? They were all a lie, his transformation from a base stealing outfielder with the Sox, to some roided out freak with the Orioles, to a now colorless ghost was all a lie. Sorry to say it so shamelessly Sammy but sometimes steroids suck (how's that for alliteration?).

One thing Sosa should be commended for was that he was the guy who put fans in the bleachers for the Cubs during an abysmal stretch of seasons in the 90's. He sold tickets, merchandise, and all sorts of memorabilia throughout his career. But the bottom line is, he did it all the wrong way. Maybe St. Louis reached out to Mark McGwire because he acknowledged his wrongdoings and admitted his guilt modestly like a professional without venting to some magazine profile reporter like some forgotten son. Once again, you could hit the ball a long way Sammy, but your career and future aspirations remained short sighted.

I promise this is the last Cubs blog you will see for quite some time. In fact, you will see some college and pro football previews in the upcoming days as I alluded to earlier and will also be writing a review and of the 30 for 30: Jordan Rides the Bus that airs tonight at 8. If you want to throw out some suggestions for the college or pro football previews or share musings on any topic, please write to chicagosportsnoise@gmail.com , I haven't received a legitimate email yet, so I foresee that being a rewarding feeling.

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man for some reason believed in Matt Leinart and the Cards Monday night in the QB rematch of the epic Texas/USC National Championship game in 2006, and it came back to bite him. Desperate for a win and some self respect, he has chosen former Cub Theodore Roosevelt Lilly to dismantle Dave Bush and the Brewers at (-120). The Brewers are a better team at home, but Dave Bush couldn't win a game a game of mancala, let alone a professional baseball game.

Pick of the Day: Dodgers @ Brewers- DODGERS (-120)

Record:(11-11-0)

Free D. Lee

With rumors of Derek Lee leaving swirling around in the air like an STD at a Wauconda High School keg party, it is time to weigh the implications of Lee's possible departure from Chicago. D. Lee has been a consistent run producer on the cubs' post-Bartman depression teams (he was on the 2002 WS Champion Florida Marlins team that beat the Cubs in the NLCS)that has played out more realistically like a menacing case of postpartom depression. But his shortcomings in the heart of the Cubs order this season have forced Cubs management to contemplate moving the stalwart first baseman and his robust salary to the land run by Jermaine Dupri and Ludacris...Hot-lanta.

The Cubs owe it to Lee to let him go to a contender for a couple last shots at another ring in the twilight of his career. Besides the two incidents of Derek trying to go Irish Billy Collins on Chris Young and finding himself in a Ryan Leaf-esque screaming match with Carlos "suelto" Zambrano in the dugout earlier this summer, Derek has been a pretty calming influence amidst the Ringling Circus that is Cubs baseball. By this point, Derek is sick of taking his kids to the Haunted Trails amusement park in Burbank and would rather huff an entire bottle of Rustoleum than finish (no pun intended) the season with the current Cub squad. Give the guy a break, he would rather be Will Smith's stunt double than the Cubs first baseman at this point in time, so let him ride out of town with his skullcandy headphones gently soothing the John Legend, Get Lifted CD into his ears.

By moving Lee to Atlanta, it would move Tyler Colvin over into his natural position at first base rather than roaming left field aimlessly like some unidentifiable shepherd in a nativity scene. With that happening, the Cubs would then have established one of the youngest infields in the National League with Aramis Ramirez standing in as the only infielder able to rent a mid-size economy car from Enterprise until Colvin turns 25 September 5. So, if it is possible to rebuild and move towards a youth movement with the 3rd highest payroll in professional baseball, getting rid of Derek Lee would be a formidable start. With Chipper Jones suffering a season ending injury and seeing his role on the Braves being reduced to "producing children out of wedlock on east coast road trips", the Braves could use a veteran run-producer like Lee in the middle of their lineup to give them a chance to capture the ML east pennant. With all that being said, don't be surprised if you hear a slightly altered version of the "free carl lee!" chant you heard from a collection of Alabama Civil Rights activists in a A Time To Kill echoing around the bleacher seats in the next few days.

As for pick of the day, thanks to Clay Bucholz shutout of the Angels last night, Pulse Man moved to 2 games above .500 at 11-9. Tonight, aside from betting against Nickelback frontman Chad Krueger to be asked to sing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley, or achieving any level of decency for his life's entirety, he likes his hometown go-go White Sox and Gavin Floyd to steal one from the Twinkies in the Twin Cities. So, the bet is on the White Sox at an astounding (+138) at Target (pronounced tar-zhay) Field.

Pick of the Day: White Sox@ Twins- WHITE SOX (+138)

Record:(11-9-0)

Good-bye to the Bayou

With the recent mid-series trade of Mike Fontenot, the Cubs have officially parted ways with the "cajun connection" or the "andouille double play" if you will. No longer will Cub fans see a pair of diminutive, cajun, former LSU teammates collecting ground-balls like they once collected beads from flashers at the mardi gras parade. No longer will Jeff Baker have to walk by their lockers and tell them, "will you guys please turn down the CCR? It's making me swing at the worst pitch of the at-bat every time and effectively have a .284 OBP." Even though the two of them were enduring passable at best seasons, it still tastes bitter to see them pack their Zatarains Dirty Rice Mix and head to relative contenders.

In wishing good riddance to Theriot and Fontenot, like in any mediocre relationship, we must try to remember the good things. Like when they both found themselves on the big club in 2008 and visiting announcers wrongly pronounced their french-creole surnames like they were some Yankee tourist in a Paris hostile. And, in 2008 when both middle infielders had arguably their best seasons. After being called up from Iowa, Fontenot played in 119 games and hit .305 with 9 homers. This was the year when Cub fans would get excited when Fontenot strolled to the plate with his 44 inch bat. But, once he became the permanent replacement for the winsome and wooing Mark DeRosa, he could never settle in--both in the batters box, and in the dusty area he used to play on the right side of the Wrigley infield. Theriot on the other hand, had always been relatively consistent at 2nd and at short for the Cubs, as well as at the plate in any part of the order. In fact, he had a .384 OBP in 2008 and was an NL All-Star. In those times, those dainty "you can't quiet the riot" T-shirts were worn more prevalently worn around Wrigley field than those makeshift Hawaiian style baseball club shirts you always unfortunately seem to find in a trip to a game (don't tell me you haven't seen one of these). Still, with the Cubs trying to lower their cap like all non-contenders have to, they traded these former fixes in the Cub infield and have decided to go younger.

In what Cub management plans as the middle-infield renaissance, they have cast rookie Starlin Castro as the permanent fixture at shortstop, and recent trade acquisition Blake DeWitt as the new two bagger. Although I admit I wasn't a big advocate of the trade, I do like the youth up the middle for the Cubs. With DeWitt turning 25 at the end of the month and Castro barely being old enough to peel the wrappers of his Cuban cigars (he's 20), the Cubs prospectively could have these two players rolling twin killings into the prime of Miley Cyrus' acting career (2018-2022??). So, as much as looking towards the future is essential in the lifeblood of a Cubs fan, the future looks to not need a transfusion for at least a few years, or at least until Castro stops ordering chicken fingers on team charters.

As for pick of the day, a jovial Pulse Man came back from the Cell with a Sox win and division tie, along with a 9-9 record in his inaugural Pick of the Year season. In baseball, the Pulse likes Randy Wolf and the Brew Crew to cover the 1.5 run spread against the D-Backs at (+135). Also, to keep things fresh, he has chosen 3 guys that he likes the odds with in the PGA Tour Championship at Whistling Straits. As an avid golfer himself, I'm sure that he has watched enough golf with a family-size bag of Lays Barbecue chips on his lap to make an educated guess. With that being said, his chosen golfers are listed below.

Pick(s) of the Day(s): Diamondbacks@Brewers- BREWERS -1.5 (+135)
PGA Championship: Hunter Mahan, Ryo Ishikawa, Tiger Woods (go ahead, bet against him)

Record:(9-9-0)

Where Have All The Cub-boys Gone?

"Where is my John Wayne,
Where is my prairie song,
Where is my happy ending,
Where have all the cowboys gone?" Paula Cole, 2001

2001 was a great year, maybe the best of years. I was a 13 year old 7th grader fully clad in "AF-1892" gear, equipped with a choker-style, pooka shell necklace and the notion that Rob Thomas was a reasonably good recording artist. It really is amazing what nearly ten years can do. Still, 9 years ago the Cubs were relatively in the same position they are now. Stuck in the muddle of losing games and sub-par seasons with possibly the most marketable and lucrative franchise in pro sports, searching for that elusive pennant. As we entered the new millenium (or should i say, Willenium), Cub fans latched on to a ray of hope that some analysts called the best draft class the Cubs had ever seen. The first year player entry draft is the ultimate crapshoot in pro sports--drafting dominican, japanese, and venezuelan prospects, not to mention your average 18 year old domestic, high school graduate who still rocks braces. Nevertheless, there was something special about this draft class from top to bottom. Anchored by the flawless mechanics and horse-like lower body of Mark Prior, the Cubs had their ace of the future. No one, not even the pessimistic minded North Side faithful could foresee the tragic casualties of this draft as each player left the team in search for greener pastures, and a chance to at least have a shot at winning something.

First, the most recent 2001 draftee to be shipped out of town--Ryan Theriot. As I personally wept because I no longer have the Cubs jersey of an active player, Theriot happily packed his Samsonites and moved out west to LA to chase bimbos with Brody Jenner. After establishing himself as the Cubs' most consistent hit-for-average guy in the past 3 years, at the first sign of struggle, Jim Hendry gave him a $200 gift card to Sunglass Hut and sent him and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (real name) to the contending Dodgers for Blake DeWitt. Money-saving deal...maybe, giving away your most consistent leadoff bat and a crafty left-handed journeyman starter who is arguably the Cubs' most consistent starter (who else would you say?) is a difficult deal to swallow. Maybe even more so for a Theriot jersey owner. With all that being said, Theriot must return his "Free Sangria for Life" coupon to Bar Celona in Lakeview and leave his 2nd base position and Remington MB-9000 High-Precision Beard and Mustache Trimmer to two of the worst major league baseball players in the live ball era--Jeff Baker and Mike Fontenot.

Next, you know that guy who plays shortstop for the Cardinals who looks like he got his hair cut by those mini Fiskars scissors you buy in a 5th grade school supplies kit? You may or may not recognize that player as former Cubs draft pick, Khalil Greene. Had Khalil ever been called up to the big club, you might have found him on the corner of Armitage Ave. selling drug rugs or quitting baseball altogether to open up his own Ron Jon Surf Shop in Bridgeport. In the end, the Cubs realized that Khalil Greene would be nothing more than a prototypical mid-80's shortstop that would be a career .230 hitter and opted to hold onto Alex Gonzalez, who proceeded to boot the Cubs' pennant dreams into right field along with that inning ending double-play ball in Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. So, he was moved to San Diego for a few prospects and a bootlegged copy of the bonus tracks on Jack Johnson's first CD.

Then, we have the always unpredictable arm of Sergio Mitre (pronounced Meat-Tray) who consistently served up meat (no pun intended) to every division foe for the better part of 4 years. He has now caught on with the Yankees and is in the hunt for a World Series ring this October. However, I have never underestimated Sergio Mitre's impact on my life as it has given me the opportunity to say "Oh, you brought Sergio along? How long can he go today?" every time I see a young couple bring a meat and cheese antipasto tray to a graduation/birthday party.

Lastly, we have the highly touted and 2001 first round draft pick of the Chicago Cubs: Mark Prior. We thought he would last forever based on his calves that looked like they were massaged with fabricated milk on a daily basis, and his blazing fastball that carried the Cubs to the 2003 NLCS. Little did we know, he was simply the poster child pitcher of the steroid era and now his calves have shriveled up to the same size as Nicole Richie's thighs. Prior looked like he was in stride to become the next Roger Clemens for the Cubs. Then, a quirky, nerd, ad executive named Steve Bartman decided to pay $250 for a single lower level seat, dress in a turtleneck like it's 1994, and bring a walkman to the game so he could listen to Ron Santo's insightful analysis?!? Only the Cubs. Prior to this (no pun intended, once again), nobody had envisioned Prior would be splitting rent with a 28 year old, divorced mother of 3 in an apartment in rural San Diego. I can just see him wearing his old Cubs bullpen jacket and wrapping his arm in an icy hot sleeve after he paints their bonus room. What a travesty.

The only player left from this 2001 draft class is Geo Soto, the incompetent catcher whose haircut lends itself to a Mexican version of Boy Meets World's Sean Hunter. After a promising rookie of the year campaign in 2008 at the ripe old age of 28, he has disappointed the Cubs with his weight-loss (who wants a skinny catcher?), sub .270 batting average, and choice of decent catcher's gear. This isn't Star Wars soto, get a clue.


As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man endorses the sure right arm of Oakland's Vin Mazzaro against the lowly Kansas City Royals and their refurbished Bullpen due to recent injuries and trades. He likes them winning by more than 1.5, so don't waste your nickles and dimes on the moneyline. Also, props to Pulse Man for correctly calling the pick of the day yesterday as he reiterated his hatred for Randy "Marlboro Red" Wells as he imploded once again in the Cubs pathetic 18-1 loss to their division rival. It simply wasn't posted because there was no blog.

Pick of the Day: Kansas City Royals @ Oakland A's- A'S (-1.5) (+115)

Record: (8-5-0) 6 out of his last 7 if you're keeping track