A Bearable Parable?

A parable is defined in the dictionary as a short moral story usually involving animal characters. In this case, the Bears players will act as the "animal characters", or in Layman's terms, there will be no Air Bud or MVP: Most Valuable Primate references in this blog (I guess that already is one). In other words, the Bears signing of Jay Cutler in 2009 proved to be quite the moral story. The moral of course being, don't put all your eggs in the primadonna, discreetly chubby, franchise quarterback's basket. Nonetheless, Jay Cutler has potential, that much is inevitable based on his pro bowl season in Denver. Even if he's spotted at Hub 51 slamming gin coolers until 5 am on a Saturday night, I'd rather have him under center than: Shane Matthews, Jim Miller, Cade McNown, Moses Moreno, Erik Kramer, or any other ineffectual Bear quarterback of the past 2 decades. The exception of course, in this case, is facial hair extraordinaire (a little assonance for the critics), Kyle Orton. Orton brought his blue-collar "I'm hungover on Sundays" work ethic to the gridiron and remained to be relatively effective and notably consistent during his tenure in Chicago. Whatever your opinion of Orton may be, it is hard to refute that he was always tolerable, never masterful, and in the end, Bears management deemed him to be replaceable. However when Cutler came to town, McCaskey was about to give him a property share of McCormick Place like some sort of real life enactment of the Chicago edition of Monopoly. Instead, Cutler had a frustrating year throwing to a receiving core that had comparable talent to a 4A Illinois state semi-finalist while resembling a bizarro, bloated Brett Favre in the process. Except of course Cutler hasn't won 3 MVP's,a Super Bowl, or popped pain pills like Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line. For Cutler's sophomore campaign as a Bear to be a little more successful, and the moral of this extensive parable to be more conciliating for Bear fans, a few question marks must fall into place perfectly after swirling around in the Chicago area wind this summer.

HE NEEDS PEOPLE TO THROW TO. Sure, Devin Hester and Johnny Knox are fast and coincide easily with the cliche tag-line "Not even Cutler can overthrow them." But, they need at least a few years to develop into actual pass-catchers and escape the identity that has preceded them by the character of Clifford Franklin in Keanu Reeve's quotable sports film, The Replacements. I understand that Devin Hester retains information like a strainer retains water. But still, enroll Jay Cutler in an introductory Ebonics course at Roosevelt University downtown so he can at least communicate with Hester on a conversational level. As for the tight end, they are as imperative to a quarterback's red zone success as much as Red Zone deodorant has been crucial to Brian Urlacher's success. Remember how Favre and Chmura connected for 7 TD's in 1995 before Chmura found it to be a better idea to get into a hot tub with the 17 year old, provocative babysitter of his young children (weird story). Kerry Collins turned Wesley Walls into an actual tight end and not some guy who people stumbled upon accidentally when they googled Wesley Willis. Greg Olsen could become the next premiere tight end in the NFC if we stop him from being featured on tracks by the 7th Floor Crew (his rap group at Miami) and playing so much damn sand volleyball on North Beach. Lastly, we all have heard of the lovable mad-scientist Mike Martz in St. Louis with the "greatest show on turf". However, he also taught us that you cannot paint a masterpiece with a paintbrush you got for 20% off at Sherwin-Williams. You need the pieces, and the Lions made Mike Martz's offense look as scrambled and misplaced as Matt Stafford's adult film VHS collection in his studio loft in Motown.

HE NEEDS A SOLID AND HEALTHY D. With the addition of Julius Peppers, we will soon find out if "Orange (and blue) Julius" is as menacing to quarterbacks as advertised or if he was simply overrated because he was the only player on the Carolina Panthers that we knew by name. Either way, add a healthy Tommie Harris and you have a defensive line that could reek havoc on NFC North quarterbacks. If the Bears can keep a healthy secondary and Lance Briggs can attack the passer like Snooki attacks Angelina in the kitchen of their house on the Jersey Shore, things could be looking up for the Bears D. Also, Urlacher being healthy gives him another season to prove that he is: A) not a neo-nazi off the field, but makes tackles like he is possessed by some sort of hateful motive, and B)won't be the NFL's "most overrated player" in 2011, which is seeming to become an annual occurrence. Enter "Roasted and Salted" Peanut Tillman having a good year into the mix and the possibility of another young DB (DJ Moore, Corey Graham)coming into their own and the "Monsters of the Midway" have the possibility regaining their old form.

HE NEEDS A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK. When the Bears won the division and made the playoffs with a 13-3 record in 2001, they were without a doubt the luckiest team in the NFL. For this season to be a successful one, the Bears need to stay relatively healthy, and have a few of Cutler's arid tipped passes to find the cold, Soldier Field turf rather than the hands of opposing DB's. They have already received a little nod from the gods with the apparent retirement of Brett Favre. Let's be honest, the Vikings won't go anywhere with a quarterback named after a watered-down, gray/green color--like Sage Rosenfels. All we need now is another Loveboat scandal equipped with sex, drugs, and those seasickness prevention bracelets and the Vikings and Lions will be battling for that cellar spot in the NFC North. The Bears have a legitimate opportunity to win 6 out of their first 8 with opponents like Detroit, Carolina, Seattle, Washington, Buffalo and New York on their schedule. If they get off to a good start and good things start to snowball, Jay Cutler could become Chicago's new Patrick Kane-- a lovable, drunken, winner. I guess his comb-over just lends him to a more emo fan base.

So, in the end, for the moral of this story to be positive and we can look back at the Cutler trade with similar endearment as the Rodman pick up, or the move to take Darren Jackson out of the White Sox television booth. Either way, this year will tell a lot about the future of Jay Cutler. Whether he proves to be a "cut" above the rest, or starts to "cut" himself like some deranged centerpiece on MTV's Teen Mom.

As for Pick of the Day, Pulse Man fell off his high horse last night as the Royals stunned him by coming through for their 6th win of the season. So with last night's loss, he finds himself at 8-6, and if this were the NFC playoff picture for the Bears, he might be having to hold his breath. However, he still controls his own destiny for tonight and will be picking another player prop since he is undefeated in that category. He likes Prince Fielder to have more hits, runs and RBI's than the Cubs sputtering, spanglish-speaking right fielder, Alfonso Soriano in the Cubs/Brewers matinee series finale.

PICK OF THE DAY: Brewers@Cubs Player Prop: Combined Hits, Runs and RBI's.
PICK:FIELDER (-120)

RECORD:(8-6-0)