Slow-Play

As baseball's winter meetings continue, and high school semester progress reports continue to be inflicted upon America's youth, the South Siders have already made a splash in the American League. Kenny Williams and Ozzie Guillen, who the media portray as having the same relationship as Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men, are seemingly on the same wavelength as the Sox have extended contracts to both free-agent Adam Dunn, and team captain, Paul Konerko. Most skeptics are wondering, aren't they both first baseman? Well, yes. But Dunn can play the outfield...sort of. Aren't they both aging power hitters? Yes, but Konerko is coming off an MVP-like season, and although he is not getting any younger, he remains to be productive. And for Dunn, the only player in the league that has hit more home runs collectively in the past 5 seasons is going to be enshrined into Cooperstown as one of the best first baseman ever when he's through playing, so there. And lastly, aren't Dunn and Konerko arguably the two slowest guys in the league? Yes, you're absolutely right. Honestly, I could go into the Buehler YMCA steam room and find two old, half-naked geezers that can beat those two pro athletes in a foot race. But, nobody times you running around the bases after you yank a 2-1 fastball 420 ft. to left-center field. So, although the Sox will conceivably have to string together 3 consecutive hits to score a run in the middle of their lineup at times, these two sluggers will ultimately be worth the dough. I mean, they did the same thing with Thome, and everyone complained when he left. So be careful what you wish for Sox fans, the piano-backed first baseman platoon is back in full effect.

As for Donkey Dunn, there isn't a pro athlete more excited to be affiliated with a winning franchise than this guy. I seriously wonder what this 6'6'', 275 lb. whale's career record is. He first played for the Reds, where he lost at least 100 games a season and got so fed up with it, that he started striking out on purpose in order to end each game faster. Thus, setting the single season K record in 2001. Then, Dunn was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks for a right-handed pitcher/bullfighter named Dallas Buck, and two other prospects. While in AZ, he went on to have the lowest fielding percentage in the majors amongst left-fielders, which is an incredible feat considering some of the bumbling idiots that teams throw in left field on occasion. Recently, Dunn has been locked in baseball's basement in Washington D.C. with the Washington Nationals. When the most exciting day of your franchise's season comes on the morning of the amateur draft, something is going horribly wrong. And for Dunn, he left D.C faster than a bored 9-year old getting a tour of the Pentagon on a middle school field trip. Now blessed with a 4-year, $56 million contract with the Sox, Dunn can concentrate on what he does best--running up $15.00 tabs at Portillos and hitting bombs into the US Cellular Field stadium concourse 35 times a year. The best is yet to come Adam, have you ever had a cake shake? Trust me, I think you'd like it.

For Paul Konerko, the Sox virtually owed it to the guy to overpay his talents. Konerko has been nothing short of a Derek Jeter-like captain figure for the Chi Sox over his 11 year career there. While rumors swirled about whether Paulie was going to ditch 35th and Shields to catch rays in Arizona for his hometown team, the media was pessimistic that the higher-ups in the Sox organization would be able to sign the team's first baseman. Although Konerko turns 35 in March, the Sox recognized the All-Star season that he put together in 2010 and strapped him with a 3-year, $37.5 million deal that should see him to the end of his professional career. Paul Konerko's signing today makes Sox fans pleased that their slow-footed slugger can now chase down (no pun intended) Frank Thomas' 448 homers for the franchise lead in a White Sox uniform. And, most importantly, Paul's still "got a little Captain in him"--something that the White Sox would have had difficulty replacing.

As for Pick of the Day, after being in attendance for his betting victory Monday night, the Pulse Man likes BJ3 and the Milwaukee Bucks giving 1.5 to the Caucasian-laden Indiana Pacers squad in the Bradley Center for Tonight. Fear the Deer.

Pick of the Day: Inidana @ Milwaukee (-1.5)- BUCKS

Record:(37-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Here Comes the 'Man' In Black

Some people thoroughly enjoy Will Smith and his second-rate movies, I am not one of those people. Similarly, some people have a complete distaste for professional athletes like Manny Ramirez, I, once again, am not one of these people. I have always been an advocate for Manny Ramirez and his baseball career, despite his sometimes childish antics on and off the field. Normally, if a player acts like a 19 year old juvenile delinquent when he's a professional, I would chastise him. But in Manny Ramirez's case, he does so at such an effortless capacity that you can't help but smirk at the dumbfounding style in which he goes about his 'business' (not necessarily talking about how he goes to the bathroom).

In Boston, the Red Sox faithful adored Manny for his ability to blast tape measure home runs over the green monster into the Boston night sky with such an insouciant demeanor you'd think he just received a happy ending massage from the team trainer. Then, after he won his two rings and wore out his welcome by bumbling around left field with a blindfold on and making it entirely explicit that he wasn't trying (who does this over the age of 7?), Boston shipped him off to Hollywood to give a new city and managerial staff a chance to experience "Manny being Manny". In Mannywood, he came out guns blazing and injected a shot of energy into the Los Angeles baseball scene that previously relied on Vinny Chase from Entourage playing right field (Andre Ethier) and Turtle (Russel Martin) catching as the only excitable things happening in Dodger Stadium. Then, the 'Manny being Tranny' phase began as he was busted with female fertility pills in his system that were for some reason banned by the MLB (perhaps Bud Selig wanted to ensure that no pregnant women were going to join a late season contender just to lean over the plate and take one for the team off their baby bump). After this, Manny's suspension led the Dodger's management to second guess who Manny Ramirez really is and stop catering to his asinine demands like having Joe Torre arrange for him a blind date with Ke$ha. Now he finds himself and his run producing bat toting the waiver wire with a very interesting suitor waiting to claim him--the Chicago White Sox.

Ozzie Guillen has made it known to the Chicago media that he doesn't think Manny's infantile personality will disrupt the karma in the Sox clubhouse and also acknowledged the possibility of Manny's bat in the middle of the lineup helping the South siders keep up with the Twins. Most of us know by know that when there is a free agent that could help the club, Kenny Williams goes out and gets the job done. (funny how teams have cap room to sign people when they're not paying an overrated, 33 year old, Japanese outfielder who hits .260 14 mill!) So, with the possibility of Manny wearing silver and black by Saturday morning, Sox fans are understandable excited. Over the past two trade deadlines, the silver and black have acquired a Cy Young Award Winner (Jake Peavy) and possibly the MLB's all time leader in post season home runs and RBI's--prett-ay impressive stuff.

Additionally, I think uniting Ozzie and Manny's personalities can combine for some of the most fabled broken-English press conferences the sports world has seen since Omar Samhan's witticism during tournament time last March. Imaginably, Manny can see this relationship similarly to the friendship he endured with Pedro Martinez in Boston and things like bringing midgets into the locker room, whimsically cutting off relay throws from the outfield, and winning AL championships can once again be seen as commonplace.

As for pick of the day, Aaron Rodgers really made the Pulse Man look knowledgeable as the Pack hung 59 on the defending AFC champions in a game that played out like a 60 minute offensive power play. With the steam of a 2 game winning streak trailing from the back of his worn down pair of Nike Cortez's, he has decided to trust the USA national basketball team to cover the 23 point spread they are facing against the Croatian national team (Toni Kukoc isn't playing) on Saturday at (-105). I Still think it's a hoax Rondo isn't on that team--wasn't he arguably the best player in the league besides Kobe in the postseason? In other news, Brewers ace Yovani Gallardo was robbed at gunpoint in Milwaukee yesterday--stay classy Wisconsin.

Pick of the Day: USA vs. Croatia, FIBA Basketball. Pick- USA -23 (-105)

Record:(13-11-0)