Date of the Union

Today, not neccessarily July 11th, but rather the day after the MLB All-Star game is unique to any other day on the 12 month calendar in the sports world. You can almost hear Jim Nantz in his Master's voice articulating, "...a tradition unlike any other" as the camera scrolls across Augusta National to the tune of a light, harmonic piano. It's exclusivity from the rest of the calendar originates because it marks the only day each year in which no professional sports are taking place. Across America, you'll see strange things--grown men watching two-hour, "The Guys Tell All" reunion specials of The Bachelorette, sushi restaurants filled to capacity, and the ticket line for Magic Mike winding out the corner of the theater.

With no professional sports on the horizon for 24 hours, it seemingly marks the perfect day to address the state of all of Chicago's beloved sports teams. In typical Chicago Sports Noise fashion, I have decided to do so in a less than normal, but hardly original way. Thus, we will take a look at all things Chicago through the lens of a male in a budding relationship with a female. Seeing how as I have little to no experience in this field and haven't been a part of a functional relationship in some time, these comparisons may be muddled, irrelevant, confusing, but should serve as nonetheless entertaining. In a roundabout sort of way, this is an implicit attempt to remove myself from any remnant of a female following that once existed. For all intensive purposes, let's refer to the male in the case of the following situations as "Chico".

Chicago Bulls- Chico finds himself with his longtime girlfriend on the physical intimacy shelf (I came up with that term myself) with mononucleosis. Their past has been spectacular; Chico's girlfriend, in this case, Rosaline, can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. She cleans up nice, but can still cut it in the sweats and also lets Chico have the freedom to roll with the fellas every now and then. There's no way Chico is leaving Rosaline, but what the hell is he going to do for the next few months while she's on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list? If he tries to bring her out too early her spleen is susceptible to a rupture, but if he tastes too much of the outside world, he just might lose The One. If Chico were a smart man, he might have to indulge himself in a few girls nights. Not reruns of 27 Dresses on CW, but rather things like casual dinner dates with her friends, afternoon matinees, walks, things like that. Nurture the relationship, Chico. Before you know it, she'll be back to full-operation.

Chicago Blackhawks- Chico finds himself in a tough spot here. He's not where he used to be with the females (first round playoff loss)--a bit of a cold streak if you will. Years back he was can't miss. Hitting on girls in bars, ATM vestibules, El Stops. The guy was a real-life Jerry Seinfeld. Now, he finds himself readily single, but with a risque option on the table. Chico's rival from across town in high school recently split up with his girlfriend (Goalie Roberto Luongo), and she is canoodling around town like she's in a bad episode of Bad Girls Club. Chico knows he could close this, but what expense will this leave him with? He knows the chick is expensive and doesn't know if his billfold can handle the late nights click-clacking through the ritz of River North in her high-fashion pumps (Luongo will need a big deal to sign with the Hawks). If he gets her, sure it'll be great for a night, a weekend, or perhaps a month, and it will eat at his rival like when Costner closes Rene Russo over Don Johnson at the close of Tin Cup, but is the juice worth the squeeze? Metaphorically, of course.

Chicago White Sox- Make or break territory, Chico. Tough sledding. Chico's on date #3 with Whitney, a girl who he out-kicked his coverage to land in the first place, but he admits he has been on point in rounds 1 and 2 (first half of the season). Free-flowing convo, picking up tabs, playful, flirty humor--he's been an all-star. But, that conversational wall is lurking on the horizon and nobody can ever tell how far it is ahead of Chico's line of sight. Sure, he's got confidence, but will it last? What will he do in heeding the unforgivable awkward silence? From personal experience, this is exactly where the fold occurs. Can Chico make it, or will Whitney's ex (the Tigers) and his starch-washed Oxford shirts from J. Crew prove to be too much to handle. Only time will tell, Chico. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Chicago Cubs- This is all a trust game, Chico (Cubs with Epstein). Let her go on that vacation to the Virgin Islands. She's either going to cheat on you (another slew of horrible contracts for the Cubs and he moves back to Boston), or your patience with her will become fruitful in the long run. You invested in her and now you're pot-committed. I know it's hard to hang out with all these losers currently (the Cubs' atrocious lineup). Just wait and see what the fruits of your labor look like in a few years.

Chicago Bears- You got a hot babe, Chico. But, the fact of the matter is, your best friend's is hotter (Green Bay Packers). You tried to go slumming a little bit and prove that you guys are bigger party animals (pick up convicts like Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey), but your best friend's girl (insert Rick Springfield joke here) has been bringing the heat for years now. Also, your girl needs to get in the gym and tighten up that body (sign Forte NOW), or you're going to get passed up like you're standing still. All you can do is hope their relationship hits some rough patches and gets stale while you two look for the nearest karaoke bar to cover "I Got You, Babe" like Sonny and Cher.

Illinois Basketball/Illinois Football- In both cases, Chico is embarking on blind dates (new coaches). Although the show on UPN Power 50 would suggest otherwise, these hardly work out. Plus, the way these potential dates were described to you by the matchmaker were less than ideal (two Simpleton coaches from mid-majors in Ohio). Maybe you can catch a flash in the pan and find the spark, but it's a rainy night and you have a book of matches with about 3 to spare. Good luck.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the favorite and was bit last by the NL staff that conglomerated for a shutout of a vicious AL All-Star lineup. Since there are no games today, he has the day off. He deserves it.

Now I'm done. Rack Me.

Frost

Fun in the Dunn

One Year--365 days, a handful of full-moons, one day in which you receive an abundance of Facebook congratulations from people whom you no longer associate with, and a world of difference. Think about it, a year ago today we had previously thought that John Travolta only couldn't keep his hands to himself around Olivia Newton John, Cee-Lo Green was Gnarls Barkley, and for all we knew, YOLO was the Yugoslavian-Ottoman Liberty Organization from the Cold War Era.

Things change. Similarly, the expectations for this year's Chicago White Sox were much lower for this year's campaign than they were the year before, and with good reason. Adam Dunn was coming off his worst year as a professional, Alex Rios was barely functional--at bat or in the field--and the Sox consequently hit .252 as a team. This year, however, Sox fans were leery of the Tigers who went out and signed Prince Fielder to add to an already dangerous lineup and a pitching staff that has perhaps the single most dominant pitcher in baseball, Justin Verlander. Not to mention, after a year that featured more Spanish obscenities than a back kitchen at Rosati's pizza, the Sox finally let go of Ozzie Guillen, who then proceeded to demonstrate his unyielding support for one of the most brash and irrational creatures in the modern world. Makes sense.

Instead, they hired Robin Ventura, who can be seen as responsible for the lower expectations for the Men in Black headed into 2012. He was a first-time manager with no in-game experience, but Kenny and Jerry trusted that Rockin' Robin knew baseball; specifically, how it is meant to be played on 35th and Shields.

The Sox impressive first half and consequent division lead has been catalyzed by a variety of hosts--youthful energy from utility men (De Aza and Viciedo), a remarkable young left-hander (Sale), a stellar resurgence from a veteran who was seemingly out of his prime (Peavy), and a couple of household-named mainstays returning to the form they once had in the limelight of their careers (Konerko and Pierzynski). Although all of the contributions of the aforementioned players have been profoundly important in garnering the frist-half AL Central division crown, none of them have been as impressive as what I like to refer to as "The Renaissance of the Donkey". No, it is not a facet of the Chinese Zodiac Calendar, but rather the reawakening of Adam Dunn.

Adam Dunn has proven over the course of time to have one of the most unique skill sets in Major League Baseball; a heftily built outfielder/DH who can miss a pitch by 4 feet and then proceed to hit the following pitch 400 feet into the right field mezzanine. He leads American League hitters in strikeouts by an astounding 24 K's over Carlos Pena. However, he also sits in the top 5 in Walks (1st), Home Runs (3rd), and RBI's (5th). It's hard to imagine that array of statistics to be done in any other sport. That's like Durant winning the scoring title along with the rebounding crown, getting to the charity stripe more so than anyone else in the league, but simultaneously leading the league in turnovers. In my eyes, that's harder to imagine than why Kate left Tom. You know, besides the whole 5'2'' inch Scientologist that is 12 years her senior idea.

What is most impressive about Dunn's resurgence, though, is how he has done so in the face of a full-year of media scrutiny. Truth be told, Dunn was torn apart last year from Comcast Sports Net to The Score, and with good reason. He hit .159 with 11 homers in 2011. Still 159 points higher and 11 more homers than Jordan "JYD" Brodbeck hit in his Junior campaign for the Lake Zurich Bears, but nonetheless career worsts for the Donkey.

Chicago--much like New York, Boston, and Philadelphia--has the unique ability to ruin careers with the suffocation that their fans can allocate on the players who perform in their city. So, what perhaps is most impressive about Dunn is his ability to rise from rags to riches and return to All-Star form like Tony Danza in the Garbage-Picking, Field Goal-Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

In similar fashion, the Sox have revitalized Kevin Youkilis' season and he is proving his mettle in the Sox lineup and producing timely hits and RBI's to an already solid rotation of run producers. Say what you want about Kenny Williams, but anytime you can get what Jonah Hill referred to as "The Greek God of Walks" in Moneyball who looks like he's fresh off the set of American Chopper all in exchange for Zach Stewart, Brett Lillibridge, and Brett Lillibridge's ears, you are doing something right.

Therefore, in adulation and admiration for the so-far, so-good 2012 White Sox, here's a toast to you. Your season has already produced an unrivaled amount of excitement from Hawk Harrelson as he inches towards becoming an octogenarian, but perhaps this season we can even hope for some from Ed Farmer as well. May Konerko and Dunn continue to inspire as the rest of us perspire in this wet, hot, American Summer in the City of Broad Shoulders.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is thrilled to be back on duty betting with his heart as he feels the American League will take the Mid-Summer Classic tonight in Kansas City. Addionally, he likes Cutis Granderson to amass more hits and runs than Dan Uggla, who is the All-Star Game's resident goat after his 3 error performance some years back. People don't forget, Dan.

Pick of the Day: American League vs. National League-- AMERICAN (-143)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Diamond Rios

I'm not sure whether Alex Rios misunderstood the question, or just gave a misguided response because he doesn't know any better, but calling the White Sox the "team to beat in the AL Central" already just simply isn't the case. Historically, the 'team to beat' in the division or league is the team that won it last. At least that's how I've always interpreted it. Such a novel concept, I know. But the consummate 5-tool player from Coffee, Alabama popped off during a meaningless spring training interview and made headlines by belittling the Twins in crowning his own South Side club as the division favorites in 2011. I agree, Spring Training is worthless. It's like syllabus week in the Fall semester of college--just a reason to kick it with your buddies and have a few pops while reminiscing about all of the smokeshows you met at North Beach over the summer that slept over in your parent's basement a few nights (some of the best fabricated stories ever told). It's all peaches until someone lashes out with a story completely over the top, entirely outside of the realm of legitimate possibility, gets called out on it, and then everyone is awkward around said storyteller until he has enough G&T's to fess up and admit he was up to his neck in BS a week or so later. In a way, that's exactly what happened in the case of Diamond Rios.

In case you couldn't tell, Ozzie has the utmost respect for the Twins, and why wouldn't he? They continue to compete at the top of the division every year with in-house talent. Even now that their payroll has expanded dramatically with the signing of Mauer's monster deal, the Twins lived up to the bill (no pun intended) and have won the last 2 division titles. Although you can barely call Ozzie's speech in interviews coherent or entirely lucid, when speaking of the Twins, he usually provides no comments that undermine his rival to the north. In the same breath, however, Ozzie is never going to let his players feel like he doesn't have supreme confidence in them heading into the year, so he made a few comments to Chicago media outlets that reiterated the fact that he definitely thinks the Sox can, in fact win the division, but in no way called them the 'team to beat' just yet.

According to the oddsmakers on the strip, the odds of the Sox winning the Fall Classic are listed at 25-1, which gives them bragging rights in the city (Cubs are 35-1) but not within the Central (Twins are 18-1). With that being said, the AL Central is going to be one of the worst divisions in baseball in 2011. Outside of Minnesota and Chicago, you have the Indians (80-1), who will seemingly follow the same pathetic standard that the Cavs have preceded them with this season in Cleveland, and the Tigers, with Miggy Cabrera as their team leader, a volatile character who is one more DUI or domestic violence dispute away from having an equivalent rap sheet to their city's hero, Slim Shady. (On a side note, that loser is 40 years old. You'd think he would have gotten over thinking cursing incessantly, bleaching your hair and subjecting your child to a horrific childhood would be cool and great fodder for selling records. Sick commercial though, loser.) And lastly you have the Kansas City Royals (125-1), a franchise that can only get people in Kauffman Stadium if they let all the 11-year old die-hards play in the fountains in the outfield during the 7th inning stretch. I think the Sox are safe with at least a 2nd place finish.

Still, I'm intrigued by the Sox off-season and am looking forward to watching their games on a muted television in late spring (Hawk Harrelson is a bumbling idiot). This is Gordon Beckham's coming out party in which he has the chance to prove he's more than just a pretty face with a haircut he stole off Alex Binder from Two-A-Days. Insert Donkey Dunn into the middle of that lineup to protect Paulie and Rios and you have some power from both sides of the dish. I'd be lying if I was to say that the Men in Black didn't have the potential in place to win the division. Nevertheless, it's imperative that the Sox get off to a hot start to jump out to an early lead in the division while Morneau is on the mend in Minneapolis. Otherwise, calling them the team to beat this early in the spring is comparable to some jive talk you'd read on Oney Guillen's twitter page.

As for Pick of the Day, the WMU Broncos couldn't pull out a win in Kalamazoo last night as they dropped one to the Kent St. Golden Flashes by a bucket. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes Bradley covering the +3.5 spread they are getting at ISU. Both teams are bad, the game should prove to be even worse.

Pick of the Day: Bradley (+3.5) @ Illinois St.- BRADLEY

Record:(56-41-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

At Long Lastings

If the Pittsburgh Pirates can do one thing well in professional baseball, it is produce speedy, African-American outfielders for the benefit of other teams. They're honestly second to none at performing this task. In the last 3 years alone, three of the fastest players in Major League Baseball (Nyjer Morgan, Lastings Milledge and Andrew McCutchen) have all roamed the greenery at PNC Park. Since then, Nyjer is now a National and our very own Chicago White Sox have recently acquired Lastings Milledge off of waivers and have signed him to a minor league contract. It's only a matter of time before McCutchen hits an inside-the-parker and keeps running until he is out of the city limits of Pittsburgh and finds himself on the roster of a relevant contender. But Lastings Milledge, what a name. He sounds like a confederate general from the Civil War and yet, he's a fleet-footed left fielder who had his own cheering section in Pittsburgh that affectionately referred to themselves as "The Milledge People". If that same section doesn't reincarnate itself beyond the the home bullpen at the Cell I am going to be extremely disappointed.

With the signing of Milledge, Ozzie seems to be putting an emphasis on having speed at the top of their lineup consistently. By having Juan Pierre, Lastings Milledge and Adam "Donkey" Dunn on the same club, the 2011 Sox have turned their roster into an exact replica of a fantasy draft that I routinely would put together in MLB2K9. Even though Lastings had his problems in both NY and Pittsburgh, I am still going to advocate this signing. Who cares if Billy Wagner once put a sign on his locker telling him to grow up? What kind of sign of maturity is putting a sign on somebody's locker anyways? And then there was the whole overblown incident about Milledge being featured on his childhood friend, Immanuel Dent II's rap joint entitled, "Bend Ya Knees". Apparently the upper management in Pittsburgh wasn't thrilled about the message being relayed on the track, which seemingly revolved around stripping a single woman down to nothing but her WWJD bracelet. What did you think he was doing on his off-time? He's a 25 year old, dreadlocked outfielder who wears #85 and uses Young Jeezy's "Let's Get It" as his walk-up music. You thought he was watching tape on opposing pitchers and running down his season splits? Get real.

I like this move for the Sox for a few reasons. Originally, coming out of high school in Florida, Milledge was projected to be a top 3 pick in the amateur draft before character concerns began to surface after he was expelled from school for allegedly getting down with a minor. Still, he was picked 12th and sprung up to the majors quicker than Jason Biggs with Shannon Elizabeth in his bedroom. Then, after one playoff run with the Metropolitans, Lastings was summoned to Pittsburgh to platoon in the outfield with the Buckos and consequently found himself sharing time in the 3 hole in the Pirates batting order--not exactly his natural spot. Plus, he's still young and he has shown over the course of his career that he is capable of changing a game with his speed. Ozzie's no nonsense approach in the clubhouse will be good for this young "renegade" (shout out Uncle P Dog) in order to keep his off-field antics in check. I think he means well. For example, he voluntarily gave up #44 to Adam Dunn while they were in DC, that's got to be good karma right? If nothing else, he'll steal some bases, leg out some infield hits and we'll get all the 'miles' we can out of 'Milledge'. We'll just see how long he 'lasts'. Ok, I'm done.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes the Michigan Wolverines, who have been playing better as of late, in Value City Arena against the #1 team in the land. The oddsmakers are giving them a goliath 16 point cushion, so I'll take the maize and blue and all of those points. Not to mention, two of my favorite Big 10 players and two Chicago Sports Noise supporters, Highland Park's Josh Bartelstein and Lake Forest's Matt Vogrich, suit up for Beilein's bunch. Hail to the victors!

Pick of the Day: Michigan (+16) @ Ohio St.- MICHIGAN

Record:(51-37-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Slow-Play

As baseball's winter meetings continue, and high school semester progress reports continue to be inflicted upon America's youth, the South Siders have already made a splash in the American League. Kenny Williams and Ozzie Guillen, who the media portray as having the same relationship as Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men, are seemingly on the same wavelength as the Sox have extended contracts to both free-agent Adam Dunn, and team captain, Paul Konerko. Most skeptics are wondering, aren't they both first baseman? Well, yes. But Dunn can play the outfield...sort of. Aren't they both aging power hitters? Yes, but Konerko is coming off an MVP-like season, and although he is not getting any younger, he remains to be productive. And for Dunn, the only player in the league that has hit more home runs collectively in the past 5 seasons is going to be enshrined into Cooperstown as one of the best first baseman ever when he's through playing, so there. And lastly, aren't Dunn and Konerko arguably the two slowest guys in the league? Yes, you're absolutely right. Honestly, I could go into the Buehler YMCA steam room and find two old, half-naked geezers that can beat those two pro athletes in a foot race. But, nobody times you running around the bases after you yank a 2-1 fastball 420 ft. to left-center field. So, although the Sox will conceivably have to string together 3 consecutive hits to score a run in the middle of their lineup at times, these two sluggers will ultimately be worth the dough. I mean, they did the same thing with Thome, and everyone complained when he left. So be careful what you wish for Sox fans, the piano-backed first baseman platoon is back in full effect.

As for Donkey Dunn, there isn't a pro athlete more excited to be affiliated with a winning franchise than this guy. I seriously wonder what this 6'6'', 275 lb. whale's career record is. He first played for the Reds, where he lost at least 100 games a season and got so fed up with it, that he started striking out on purpose in order to end each game faster. Thus, setting the single season K record in 2001. Then, Dunn was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks for a right-handed pitcher/bullfighter named Dallas Buck, and two other prospects. While in AZ, he went on to have the lowest fielding percentage in the majors amongst left-fielders, which is an incredible feat considering some of the bumbling idiots that teams throw in left field on occasion. Recently, Dunn has been locked in baseball's basement in Washington D.C. with the Washington Nationals. When the most exciting day of your franchise's season comes on the morning of the amateur draft, something is going horribly wrong. And for Dunn, he left D.C faster than a bored 9-year old getting a tour of the Pentagon on a middle school field trip. Now blessed with a 4-year, $56 million contract with the Sox, Dunn can concentrate on what he does best--running up $15.00 tabs at Portillos and hitting bombs into the US Cellular Field stadium concourse 35 times a year. The best is yet to come Adam, have you ever had a cake shake? Trust me, I think you'd like it.

For Paul Konerko, the Sox virtually owed it to the guy to overpay his talents. Konerko has been nothing short of a Derek Jeter-like captain figure for the Chi Sox over his 11 year career there. While rumors swirled about whether Paulie was going to ditch 35th and Shields to catch rays in Arizona for his hometown team, the media was pessimistic that the higher-ups in the Sox organization would be able to sign the team's first baseman. Although Konerko turns 35 in March, the Sox recognized the All-Star season that he put together in 2010 and strapped him with a 3-year, $37.5 million deal that should see him to the end of his professional career. Paul Konerko's signing today makes Sox fans pleased that their slow-footed slugger can now chase down (no pun intended) Frank Thomas' 448 homers for the franchise lead in a White Sox uniform. And, most importantly, Paul's still "got a little Captain in him"--something that the White Sox would have had difficulty replacing.

As for Pick of the Day, after being in attendance for his betting victory Monday night, the Pulse Man likes BJ3 and the Milwaukee Bucks giving 1.5 to the Caucasian-laden Indiana Pacers squad in the Bradley Center for Tonight. Fear the Deer.

Pick of the Day: Inidana @ Milwaukee (-1.5)- BUCKS

Record:(37-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Caught Streaking

At this point, I'm not sure who's consistently hotter--the Minnesota Twins or the Olsen Twins. Although I'm sure Mary-Kate and Ashley would make a formidable double-play combo and provide their skipper with a swift "you got it dude" after every one of his managerial requests, no pair of Twins (not even the ones from the Coors Light football commercials) can compete with the group they have in Minnesota right now. Ozzie Guillen and his White Sox just rattled off 7 straight victories after signing Manny just to keep pace with the club from the Twin Cities and didn't gain any ground. The White Sox are going to be in this pennant race for the long haul and if they suffer too many 8 run losses to the chubbiest MVP candidate since Mo Vaughn in Miguel Cabrera and the Tigers, they might as well buy their homer hankies in bulk so they can root for the AL Central Champion Twins in October.

Every year it seems that the Sox and Twinks are in a dogfight for the AL Central crown (except in 2006 when the Tigers somehow revitalized the city of Detroit and their unemployed fans). In past years, it always perplexed me how the Twins continued to compete in one of the smaller markets in the American League. Of course in recent years, we have learned that having a high payroll is about as relevant as having a one of those virtual pets that were hot in the Clinton era in 2010 (think Rays: 25th, Cubs:3rd). But this year, the Twins have climbed the MLB payroll ladder from 25 to 11, and the results seem to be imminent. Obviously, part of this jump in cashflow going out, is due to their prodigious, 8 year, $184 Million extension they gave Joe Mauer. But, they have still managed to be effective this year with the loss of Justin Morneau to the 60 day DL and the absence of their closer, Joe Nathan for virtually the entire season. By no means am I rooting for the Twins, or supporting them against the White Sox in any way during September. But how do they manage to keep a competitive roster with 2 of their 3 best players on the DL? I understand Joe Mauer has the best sideburns in baseball and has a majestic ability when it comes to hitting a baseball. But still, are they paying their manager (isn't he Dave Thomas from Wendy's?) in triple stacks so they can finance a baseball team? Is the ghost of Bill Haywood and Lou Collins from Little Big League (funny clip, just be patient) that potent?

Perhaps the Twins simply know how to win baseball games. They only have one player hitting over .303 (Mauer-.325) but have 3 starting pitchers with over 10 wins (Pavano-16, Liriano-13, Baker-12). Maybe it's the Jim Thome curse that haunts the Sox when they share the field with the Twins this season. Whatever it is, the Sox have to win the rest of this series with the Tigers, take at least 2 from the Royals at home leading into their 3 game set at the Cell with the Twins. At that point, they should be withing a Juan Pierre relay throw (not very far) of the Twins division lead. If they can somehow find out how to stay within a handful of games the rest of the way, I trust Ozzie in late September. I don't understand what he's saying, but I trust him.

As for pick of the day, The Pulse Man did it again last night as Lincecum held the D-Backs to 3 runs and had 9 K's in way to his 13th win of the season. Riding his 6 game 'pick of the day' win streak like Toby Maguire rode Seabiscuit (I meant confidently, don't get gross), The Pulse Man has opted to go with a player prop and votes that Joey Votto will record an RBI tonight at (+110).

Pick of the Day: Joey Votto (Reds) Will he record and RBI-Must Start: YES (+110)

Record: (17-11-0)

Chicago's 'Lucky' to have 'Pierre'

Over time, a number of ballplayers have shared their major league career with both Chicago baseball franchises. Even Cub heroes like Ron Santo had to ride the red line to stop over by 35th and Shields late in their career. Meanwhile, Sox television personality Steve Stone, and also radio 670 color man Darrin Jackson made stops on both sides of town in their pilgrimage in the majors. One Sox player that has 'toured the city' recently is their current 5 foot, 9 inch leadoff man, Juan Pierre. Pierre, once again is putting together a solid, productive season at the top of a contending team's lineup without anyone really noticing. Has there been a more steady leadoff man since 2001 besides Ichiro? Pierre is Kenny Lofton without a 7 1/2 lb. chain, Jose Reyes without the astronomical ego and model posing. Ever since Pierre shaved that heinous half-mustache that he rocked in his days in the mile high city, he has made a career out of invariably fouling off good pitches long enough until he can hit a weak looper over the shortstop's head, pull up his Greg Maddux edition stirrups, steal second base like a midnight criminal, and eventually be driven home to score.

With the edition of Manny Ramirez, the Sox are looking for someone in the 5th spot of their lineup that will: A) protect AL MVP candidate Paul Konerko in the cleanup position, and B) drive in the first 4 hitters of the White Sox top-heavy lineup (Pierre: .284, Vizquel/Ramirez: .285/.285, Rios: .293, Konerko: .320) So often times it's Juan though who gets the Sox started by forcing the pitcher to labor through a double-digit amount of pitches in the first AB of the game to set the table (fitting, because he kind of does look like a busboy, doesn't he?) for the rest of the White Sox lineup. Aside from hitting in the mid .280's, Juan has reputable range in the outfield and tracks down balls well despite possibly having a weaker arm than a member of the Oak Park U-14 travel team.

When Juan became a Cub in 2003, he was fresh off his series winning performance in the Fall Classic and eventually his paltry rap performance at the Marlins victory parade. Still, he came into Chicago and hit .292, lead the National League in: hits, at-bats, games played, bunt-hits, infield hits, and had the lowest strikeout percentage in the MLB at 5.4%. Nonetheless, Cubs fans were disappointed because of the teams deplorable last place finish closing up the season one game behind the lowly Pirates, despite the productivity of their leadoff hitter. In L.A.,he was benched behind his current Sox teammates Andruw "the diamond dinosaur" Jones and Manny Ramirez. Then, while Manny was suspended for 50 games in 2009 for being hopped up on estrogen and seasons of Sex and the City, Pierre stepped in at left field for the Dodgers and kept them near the top of the division from the top of the lineup before Manny's return. Now, with an 11 stolen base stranglehold on the American League lead with the White Sox this season, Pierre is once again doing what he does best--get to the front of the line, get there early, and get there often.

As for pick of the day, since the Pulse man picked a parlay for yesterday's bet, we'll stay true to that bet so we don't feel like Charlie Sheen at an Atlantic City craps table by having too much money on the table. So, we're rooting for John Lester to take down the Baltimore Birds while simultaneously pulling for Johnny "Chili Con" Cueto to keep a handle on the Brew Crew.

Pick of the Day: Parlay- Red Sox vs. Orioles, RED SOX (-210) and Brewers vs. Reds, REDS (-169) total odds: (+160)

Record: (14-11-0)

2nd Manny being Manny Moment: Reinsdorf tells Ramirez he needs to do something with his hair. So, with the Boston road trip coming up, Manny calls his former barber L'Montro to set up an appointment for a trim. Little does Reinsdorf know, he's probably getting a box-top fade.

Here Comes the 'Man' In Black

Some people thoroughly enjoy Will Smith and his second-rate movies, I am not one of those people. Similarly, some people have a complete distaste for professional athletes like Manny Ramirez, I, once again, am not one of these people. I have always been an advocate for Manny Ramirez and his baseball career, despite his sometimes childish antics on and off the field. Normally, if a player acts like a 19 year old juvenile delinquent when he's a professional, I would chastise him. But in Manny Ramirez's case, he does so at such an effortless capacity that you can't help but smirk at the dumbfounding style in which he goes about his 'business' (not necessarily talking about how he goes to the bathroom).

In Boston, the Red Sox faithful adored Manny for his ability to blast tape measure home runs over the green monster into the Boston night sky with such an insouciant demeanor you'd think he just received a happy ending massage from the team trainer. Then, after he won his two rings and wore out his welcome by bumbling around left field with a blindfold on and making it entirely explicit that he wasn't trying (who does this over the age of 7?), Boston shipped him off to Hollywood to give a new city and managerial staff a chance to experience "Manny being Manny". In Mannywood, he came out guns blazing and injected a shot of energy into the Los Angeles baseball scene that previously relied on Vinny Chase from Entourage playing right field (Andre Ethier) and Turtle (Russel Martin) catching as the only excitable things happening in Dodger Stadium. Then, the 'Manny being Tranny' phase began as he was busted with female fertility pills in his system that were for some reason banned by the MLB (perhaps Bud Selig wanted to ensure that no pregnant women were going to join a late season contender just to lean over the plate and take one for the team off their baby bump). After this, Manny's suspension led the Dodger's management to second guess who Manny Ramirez really is and stop catering to his asinine demands like having Joe Torre arrange for him a blind date with Ke$ha. Now he finds himself and his run producing bat toting the waiver wire with a very interesting suitor waiting to claim him--the Chicago White Sox.

Ozzie Guillen has made it known to the Chicago media that he doesn't think Manny's infantile personality will disrupt the karma in the Sox clubhouse and also acknowledged the possibility of Manny's bat in the middle of the lineup helping the South siders keep up with the Twins. Most of us know by know that when there is a free agent that could help the club, Kenny Williams goes out and gets the job done. (funny how teams have cap room to sign people when they're not paying an overrated, 33 year old, Japanese outfielder who hits .260 14 mill!) So, with the possibility of Manny wearing silver and black by Saturday morning, Sox fans are understandable excited. Over the past two trade deadlines, the silver and black have acquired a Cy Young Award Winner (Jake Peavy) and possibly the MLB's all time leader in post season home runs and RBI's--prett-ay impressive stuff.

Additionally, I think uniting Ozzie and Manny's personalities can combine for some of the most fabled broken-English press conferences the sports world has seen since Omar Samhan's witticism during tournament time last March. Imaginably, Manny can see this relationship similarly to the friendship he endured with Pedro Martinez in Boston and things like bringing midgets into the locker room, whimsically cutting off relay throws from the outfield, and winning AL championships can once again be seen as commonplace.

As for pick of the day, Aaron Rodgers really made the Pulse Man look knowledgeable as the Pack hung 59 on the defending AFC champions in a game that played out like a 60 minute offensive power play. With the steam of a 2 game winning streak trailing from the back of his worn down pair of Nike Cortez's, he has decided to trust the USA national basketball team to cover the 23 point spread they are facing against the Croatian national team (Toni Kukoc isn't playing) on Saturday at (-105). I Still think it's a hoax Rondo isn't on that team--wasn't he arguably the best player in the league besides Kobe in the postseason? In other news, Brewers ace Yovani Gallardo was robbed at gunpoint in Milwaukee yesterday--stay classy Wisconsin.

Pick of the Day: USA vs. Croatia, FIBA Basketball. Pick- USA -23 (-105)

Record:(13-11-0)

30 for 30: Jordan Rides the Bus Review

After learning that the director of the first Michael Jordan 30 for 30 documenting his brief baseball career was Ron Shelton, I was thoroughly enthused. After all, he did direct Bull Durham and Tin Cup--two personal favorites of mine, and I speculated whether we would learn of stories of Jordan wearing woman's underwear in the minors ala Nook LaLoosh or making making performance induced bets like Tin Cup's protagonist, Roy McAvoy (which really isn't too far fetched of an idea). Instead, we got a wide scale look at how Jordan turned the Birmingham Barons into a more lucrative franchise than the Pittsburgh Pirates for one summer, despite their 10,000 seat stadium and a fan base with less high school diplomas than the city of Loves Park.

The documentary showed a few character traits that are essential to the Michael Jordan brand, and his ultimate success as an athlete. First off, the man was as dedicated as the day is long. With testimonials from his hitting coach and former manager turned Red Sox hero Terry Francona, we are able to see that Jordan didn't half-ass his baseball career. Think about the situation, you haven't played baseball since you were 18 (when he was a pitcher), and you look about as natural in a baseball uniform as Shawn Bradley in a roller rink. After shaking off some understandable rust after a near 15 year hiatus from the sport while you were off building your multi-million dollar empire doing something else, you come back to hit .255 with 51 RBI's (let's just pretend like the 11 E's in RF never happened, we do it for Manny). I'd venture you'd chalk that one up as a win, even if you are the "best athlete" in the world.

To leave your sport when you're at the top of the pyramid is something that no athlete had ever done before. Jordan had the same stranglehold on the NBA in the early 90's that Undertaker has on Wrestlemania, not even David Stern's whiny voice pleading him to come back could keep him around--a plead that probably sounded as desperate as the Spin Doctor's 2nd album. I thought the documentary highlighted Jordan's lack of motivation for basketball in 1994 well, but it will forever be difficult to analyze Jordan's vocation change from sport to sport. Was he motivated by his father's death? To pursue his childhood dream? If Jordan would have succeeded emphatically in baseball, Disney could cast Omar Epps as a 30 year old Jordan and turn this into a PG-13 movie. Instead, Jordan realized that he owed it to the world (more importantly, Chicago) to play basketball and produce a line of overpriced sports gear that will make him more many in the future than most small European countries.

At the end of the hour long production, I came to the notion that the director had documented this atypical story quite well. No one knows why Jordan wanted to forgo two years of basketball in his absolute prime (3 peat, already had 3 MVP's) to go strikeout on 12-6 curveballs in the deep south. No one knows why his dad was half drunk at a rest stop on the border between the Carolinas. No one knows why they interviewed the local fisherman that probably couldn't spell the word "buzz" (neither could Billy Madison)in the documentary. Ron Shelton showed us how hard it is to make a good documentary on speculation and assumption. After all, most often times Jordan did things the way he wanted, and often got the result he desired. But ahhh....baseball, the sport that John Kruk can succeed at that Michael Jordan couldn't--what a beautiful game.

Things I liked: Obviously, the local fisherman interview. The interview with his supposed high-school friend who looks like the local mail carrier in Wilmington. No way Jordan has talked to that dude in 25 years. Terry Francona. Great baseball mind, love his style.

Things I didn't like: Overindulgence with worthless members of Birmingham experience (i.e.: real estate agent, bus driver, etc.) Those people had to be ecstatic of the fact that they were on TV--too bad none of them can afford cable. More of the reaction of NBA fans, especially Chicago during the season when 23 was steppin' in the bucket.

Overall, good performance from 30 for 30 as always. I've liked most of them except the stupid ones about marching bands or women's athletics. If you're going to air things like that on TV, do it on BET and TLC. Really looking forward to the one on Bartman, hopefully they find him in Florida selling used tires in seersucker suits (or something even weirder). Overall Grade: B+

Sorry to disappoint but there will be no pick of the day for today from the Pulse Man. He has received a 24 hour break from the website and will resume his position tomorrow. He would however, like to boast about his correct bet in the Ddogers/Brewers game from last night which pushes him to 12-11. He is excited for Manny to potentially become a member of the white sox, his favorite color is green, and he once completed an entire season on the bowling team in high school...kid definitely deserves a day off.

Giving Teahen the Finger

When a Chicago athlete decides to wear the number 23, no matter what the sport or who the athlete, the jersey comes with a level of responsibility that is unmatched by any other numeral in the sports world. Jordan revolutionized this number in sports, more specifically in Chicago, during his 6-ring run in the mid 90's. However, other sports teams in Chicago didn't let the number get tarnished by back-end relievers in baseball or lowly special teams specialists (no pun intended) in football. Sandberg took the honor in stride and became a hall of famer with the 2-3 sewed on his back for 15 years. On the south side, Jermaine Dye who coincidentally looked like "his airness", gave the Sox a few all-star seasons and helped them to a World Series ring wearing the "dos tres" (made that one up). In football, the bears bestowed the illustrious number on the most exciting and illiterate player in the league, Devin Hester. Aside from Hester and his 5th grade reading level, there is only one player in the Windy City who is lucky enough to wear the number nowadays. That player sits in the dugout at US Cellular field and consistently scoops as many sunflower seeds into his mouth as his metal-splinted broken middle finger can manage. The man, the myth, the mediocre--Mark Teahen.

As the year began and Sox fans were clinging on (klingon,get it?) to a promising year with a healthy starting rotation and a possibly potent lineup. They looked to Teahen at the hot corner to provide a solid mid-lineup bat and some defensive prowess. Instead, he brought a royals-esque "losers limp" and some hitting and fielding statistics that wouldn't be able to cast him a role in Freddie Prinze Jr's semi-autobiographical film, Summer Catch. However, as soon as the "mediocre Mark" went down with an injury to his right middle finger, severely hampering his ability to combat verbal lashings from Chicago natives cursing his name around the city, the Sox rattled off a "Little-Big-League-Bill-Heywood-like" win streak that would catapult them into first place. After looking into the man that is Mark Teahen a little deeper, I found out that he might not be playing as well this season because his focus has been diverted away from baseball and into some very strange hobbies. For instance, when i checked Teahen's wikipedia page I realized that his dog, named ESPY, has a twitter account. First off Mark, you really have no chance to ever win, be nominated for, or be invited to the ESPY's unless they create an award for "most forgettable player." So, to name your dog after a sports awards show is a pretty audacious idea. You might want to name your poodle "E-5" or ".255" before you get all overzealous on us naming your dog after an award that you will simply never win. And if the name wasn't bad enough, you opened him a twitter account? Really? How old are you Mark? Were you THAT bored in Kansas City? It's one thing to open your own twitter account and have your only followers be your immediate family (would undoubtedly be the case with Teahen) but to have one for your pet? Not creative, not funny, not hitting .260--thats you Mark, get a grip.

Also it has been well documented that Teahen is an aspiring surgeon. Which to me, is extraordinarily strange. So naturally, when Teahen broke his right middle finger early in the season, he told White Sox management that he was fit to fix it himself. Being the rational enterprise that Major League Baseball is, they respectfully declined. This is a possible letter that was sent to Teahen from MLB commisioner Bud Selig:

Dear Mr. Teahen,
I know you TIVO Grey's Anatomy and HOUSE with your awkwardly attractive wife, and are both avid fans of each series. However, to let you conduct the surgery of your own finger is simply ludicrous. If we let this happen all the time, Albert Belle would have left our sport to become an open heart surgeon in the mid-90's, and Livan Hernandez would be pioneering the development a malaria vaccine in Latin America rather than having a 6.52 ERA. You cannot believe everything you see on TV Mark. I love "Rock of Love" but I haven't been with a woman in over a decade. This is reality. Get a clue, both on the field and in your personal life.

Regards,
Commisioner Bud Selig

At this point you might be thinking, "who saved the south siders?" The answer my friends, came in a very unlikely package. A 43 year old utility infielder with the tightest uniform in the American League. Who would have guessed the man who looks more like a high school hall monitor rather than a future hall of famer would have been the spark to light the fire under the Sox proverbial ass? When anyone holds a job in professional sports for 22 years, you tip your cap to him. Maybe sometime this season Omar might just take off his hairpiece, and tips his cap to himself.

As the arduous season rolls along, we can only hope that Mark Teahen's awkwardly attractive wife rolls up the car window of their leased, 2004 Nissan Maxima on Teahen's finger and shatters the hopes (and maybe a few bones)of any chance that he might return to the lineup this year. Unbeknownst to the White Sox marketing department, the success of this year's team is not black and white, but rather black and blue, like the broken finger of Mark Teahen.

After a recent push in the pick of the day sweepstakes, the Pulse Man is really becoming comforatble in his position and is bringing down the house with his assortment of player props, moneyline bets, and parlays. So for Tuesday night, he has decided to go with the trendy pick and the Major League's most recent sensation, Stephen Strasburg. Strasburg faces one of the best lineups in the National League in the Atlanta Braves, but when Pulse Man is hot (3 game win streak), he stays hot. Trust me, if you don't believe me, ask any female high school graduate of Lake Zurich in 2005 through 2007. Also, he has orchestrated a National League parlay for the day in which he is very confident about. He is taking the Twins over the Royals and the Phillies over the Dan Haren-less Diamondbacks which comes out overall to (+140)

Daily Pick: Braves @ Nationals- NATIONALS (-140)
Parlay: Twins BEAT Royals (moneyline)/ Phillies BEAT Diamondbacks (moneyline)- (+140)

Record: (5-4-0)

Also, special props to Jack G. for helping out with this blog and contributing a significant amoount to it. Even with a full-time logistics job in which he makes $40,000 a year, he still finds time for everyone and everything. Cheers to you Jack, welcome to the bloggosphere.