Forte Oz. to Freedom

The puzzle is finally complete. Sure, the picture on the cover (before the season starts) always alludes to the process of assembling an infinite amount of cardboard pieces in order being a splendid time; a picturesque landscape, a Frank Lloyd Wright mansion, or one of those transcendent, 3-D embodiments of American monuments that were far beyond my intelligence level.

Still, Forte has been signed and optimisim and excitement for the upcoming Chicago Bears season is at an all-time high. In the offseason, they have acquired arguably one of the most promising young wideouts in the game, Alshon Jeffery, while dually signing a proven veteran with a unique rapport with our signalcaller, Brandon Marshall. Whether these two miscreants can keep themselves on Sportscenter's top 10 rather than America's Most Wanted remains to be seen, but hey, who doesn't deserve a second chance (or in Marshall's case, an 8th chance)? What makes me weary, though, is Brandon Marshall being diagnosed with a BPD (borderline personality disorder) last year. I'm not entirely sure what a "borderline disorder" entails; should I consider myself a "borderline internet journalist"?; is Ja Rule a borderline actor?; are the Bears borderline contenders for the NFC North crown in 2012?

Last year, the Bears were one thumb away from a playoff birth, and when Jay Cutler severred that god-forsaken tendon in his thumb, the Bears season went up in smoke quicker than Andre Rison's mansion set aflame by Left Eye (R.I.P., No Scrubs). Dissimilarly, the Bears have mortgaged their home and bought the insurance this year as they have added competent backups at the two most influential offensive positions (QB: Jason Campbell, RB: Michael Bush).

That said, there is no way they can compete in the NFC North with Campbell and Bush leading the Monsters of the Midway. The Bears needed to pony-up and sign their tireless, multi-talented, workhorse halfback, and to their credit, they did. Forte just wanted a check with a couple extra commas after finishing in the top-10 in yards from scrimmage in 2011 (10th in total, 2nd in YFS per game). The Bears tried to scare him by signing Bush, and Forte flinched as much as Teddy KGB at the head table in Rounders>. As the pressure increased and crunch time neared, the Bears signed #22 to a 4 year, 32-million dollar deal.

After reading Bears beat reporter, Brad Biggs', contract breakdown, which I must admit was very hard for me to comprehend, it seems that both sides gave a little, took a little, and left the table with a deal that rendered both parties satisfied.

As much as drafting Jeffery and the signings of Marshall and Forte mean for GSH's tribe, the Bears will need offensive tackle Gabe Carimi to have a healthy season on the right side for the Bears' offensive attack to be as efficacious as us fans would hope. Carimi, the former Wisconsin Badgers All-American is an athletic, nimbly-footed tackle who will without a doubt be a useful constituent in Forte getting out in the flat and doing what he does best. If you get hurt in your rookie year and return to prowess, it is amazing how people forget about your former ailment (see: Blake Griffin); but, if your injuries linger into your sophomore campaign, you'll be labeled as "susceptible to injury" faster than you can schedule a PT session at the Bears' residence in Lake Forest (see: Greg Oden).

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is enduring some setbacks in his return as the Pirates and Rockies only combined for 9 runs last night in the Mile High City. Tonight, he looks for the Twins to take care of the Orioles tonight at (-108).

Pick of the Day: Orioles @ Twins- TWINS (-108)

Record:(64-55-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me.

Frost

Hitch Route

In the day and age when people are either staying up or waking up to catch some live nuptials in HD, it is only fitting that the Bears' high-profile QB is walking the plank that leads only to disgruntled monogamy. After being the fall guy for the Bears playoff loss in 2010, he can now rest assured that he is the rebound guy in the post-Justin Bobby era therefore acquiring his "sloppy seconds" (anyone who uses this phrase officially sucks, including me).

To be honest, I wish there were a live telecast of the heartfelt vows between Jay and Kristin. I mean, if Jay can't get amp'd on the sidelines rooting for his team to take the NFC title, how do you think he'll react in uttering "in sickness and in health." My prediction: comatose stoicism in it's purest form.

Think about the bride's side of the guest list at this ceremony--Audrina, LO, Stephen Colletti and the all-too infamous Stacey The Bartender (her title has become a proper noun, hence the capitalization). If I'm Greg Olsen, I am not staggering to my hotel alone under any circumstances.

Essentially, this is going to be a glorified Senior Prom. Amidst all of the swirling rumors in People magazine about potential +1's and recent breast augmentation procedures, the fact that Jay Cutler is tying himself down to one of the most abrasive, catty women in reality television history is somehow disguised.

Believe it or not, I am not certified to predict the success of relationships like a 22-year old version of the effervescent Maury Povich, but aren't these two a match made in proverbial hell? A discreetly chubby, punk QB who is about as welcoming and personable as a jail cell wall marrying a Laguna Beach-bred, quarrelsome socialite whose career and job description can be encapsulated into one word--starlet.

Can anyone else see Kristin ripping a dozen Newport menthols on the daily once her and Jay begin to disagree over what color to paint their bonus room? It's inevitable. When you combine two stubborn people in marriage it usually ends in two things: fire and powder, and ultimately divorce, so I guess three.

Down and Out

It honestly is too easy to write this. You knew it was coming. You read the millions of facebook statuses, you navigated through the endless hashtags on Twitter calling Cutler a pussy. But why? Was it because we expected our starting quarterback to look interested in the biggest game of his career? Are we mad because we invested more emotion into Sunday's game than Cutler did? Who knows what his injury was, and honestly, who cares? He didn't even look to make an effort to return once he stepped outside the painted lines on the Soldier Field turf Sunday. The absolute least Cutler could have done was give the obligatory limp to the huddle, muster up the courage to take a few snaps, wince in pain, and partake in a completely staged conversation with the athletic trainer demanding that he return to the game. But that's exactly what didn't happen. Aaron Rodgers was taking helmets to the chin, staring down the teeth of the Bears' with a look of defiance, and our chubby quarterback remained stationary on the sideline pondering why he has more than one chin with a smug "What do you think is on UPN Power 50 right now?" look on his face. The only impressive thing Jay did on Sunday was somehow performing live at halftime and showing the raucous Soldier Field crowd his vocal range. Wait, that Lee DeWyze? Who knew? As soon as his phantom "knee injury" (which no one saw, mind you) flared up, Jay strolled to the sidelines, put on his Bears issued trench coat, and talked Caleb Hanie through his progressions on a clipboard that actually had a Chinese takeout menu attached to it instead of Mike Martz's playbook. You can't help but be impressed with Caleb Hanie. He showed some stones and gave the Bears a fighting chance in the final minutes. Then again, he was following Todd Collins, so it really couldn't get much worse unless Crazytown's hit single "Butterfly" was playing in the background of the venue where you were watching the game.

What can you really expect when you have your 3rd string signal caller at the helm in the biggest game of the season? He did all we could ask for and more. All we knew about Caleb Hanie before Sunday was that he had a below average first name and threw a couple good seeds against the Panthers early in the year. Technically, you can say the same thing about Seneca Wallace. Anyway, after reading Rick Reilly's article on ESPN about Cutler last week (I honestly never read Rick Reilly, I think he's a total worm), it occurred to me that maybe Cutler didn't want it. After being saddled with mediocrity as both an amateur (Vandy) and as a professional (Denver and Chicago), perhaps Jay just didn't want the decoration. Maybe he doesn't want to be a "big game quarterback". Maybe he just wants to be a renegade (shot out Uncle Poklop) like Big Ben but not wear the ring like the bathroom rapist does. Even when Collins came in, he looked emotionally invested in the outcome of the game. Granted, he sucks, and he looks like the kind of loser who buys his entire wardrobe at Land's End, but at least he was amp'd up. I mean, Christ, it's the NFC Championship!

When Urlacher stepped up to the mic at his post-game interview and stood behind Cutler (stood behind, get it? hehehe), nobody's opinion changed. He had to do that. If he calls Jay out in front of the national media, the Bears would fold easier than wax paper next year. But could you sense some disappointment? From Urlacher, from Martz, from Lovie, from some random Bear fan named Allan in Wicker Park. Everyone was disappointed. But in the end, maybe we were just disillusioned as to the people we put in positions of power. Gulp, thanks Jay.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is looking to the NBA as the avenue to achieve his first career betting win as a 23 year old man. For Monday night, the Pulse Man likes the Bucks in Chicago getting 8 points.

Pick of the Day: Bucks(+8) @ Bulls- BUCKS

Record:(47-33-0)

Thanks again to all the people who wrote guest blogs and sent in predictions last week. Congratulations on being a part of the internet. It's a wonderful feeling.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Game Film

Well, the Bears are in the playoffs. And, surprisingly enough, they don't even have to play on Wild Card weekend. Lovie and his troops have the luxury of being able to sit back, wait around, watch the games, get healthy, and head into the divisional round with a full roster and a full head of steam. With that luxury, however, comes one problem: the Bears don't know what team is going to limp into Soldier Field the following weekend. It could be the defending Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints and that damn Drew Brees jersey commercial. Or the NFL MVP favorite, Michael Vick's Philadelphia Eagles squad. It is also conceivable that the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks could finagle an upset in Washington state to propel them into round 2. You just never know. Each team presents its own set of strengths and weaknesses, thus presenting a different challenge to the NFC North Champs. In comparing each match-up, I found it interesting to compare each team to an actor, who, like each football team, has had both good performances and bad. It's the difference between Phat Girlz and When Harry Met Sally, Nick Cage and Matt Damon, wait for it... Wisconsin and Illinois. It's how we live life people. As Jimmy Fallon so eloquently put it in Almost Famous, "I didn't invent the rainy day, I just happen to have the best umbrella."

Sean Penn as the New Orleans Saints. Penn's incredible. There's no sugar coating it. And there is no one I would like to see the Bears play less than the Drew Brees led Saints. Penn defines acting flexibility. He can go gay (Milk), handicapped (I Am Sam), or maybe most impressively, go perpetually stoned as Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont high. Like Sean Penn, the Saints can outscore you mercilessly, or grind it out for a win like they did in week 16 at a venue in which Matty Ice OWNS. Any time Penn chooses a role, you can pencil him in for an Oscar nomination, and the Saints are equally as volatile. I think given the right road to the Super Bowl, the Saints can imaginably make a run to Dallas. Do I want to be the team that tests them? Absolutely not. Go Seahawks.

Speaking of the Seahawks, let them be played by Owen Wilson. You can't argue that given the proper role, Owen Wilson can encompass the meaning of the word comedy. He can be the funny guy male model (Zoolander), the funny guy best friend (You, Me and Dupree), the funny guy ex-boyfriend (Meet the Parents) or the funny guy bachelor (Wedding Crashers). Owen Wilson has made me laugh like Fran Drescher over the years through his roles in the aforementioned movies, but he has also shown absolutely ZERO range in his acting ability. He's great at what he does, but he has a comfort zone that he has been cemented in like he has an electric fence around his neck. Similarly, the Seahawks win games in one place, and one place only--Qwest Field. The Seahawks only beat two teams on the road this season, the Bears and the Cardinals. The rest of their 7 wins came in the City of Rain. The writing is flat out written on the wall for the entire NFL to see. The Seahawks are only decent at home. Good news for them is, that's where they will get the Saints on Sunday.

Lastly, let the Philadelphia Eagles be portrayed by cinema megastar Denzel Washington. Before you go nuts and begin to think "Denzel is way too good be Philly!", just hear me out for a second. Denzel is one of the greatest actors of our generation. He's an extraordinarily explosive character that has made some incredible films and has depicted some intense characters. Malcom X (Malcolm X), Rubin Carter (The Hurricane), Frank Lucas (American Gangster) and Coach Herman Boone (Remember the Titans) are just a few. But, can't we say the same thing in terms of football about Michael Vick? He's been as explosive as a shook-up can of Mr. Pibb this season and has dazzled in the spotlight after yanking Kevin Kolb's job from the poor loser like a 7th grade bully at recess. No one is doubting Denzel's brilliance on the big screen or Michael Vick's dominance on the gridiron. But don't you think it's safe to say that their best days are behind them? Denzel's last 3 movies are Unstoppable, The Book of Eli and The Taking of Pelham 123. I haven't seen any of them, and to be honest, I really don't want to. Likewise, Vick simply cannot capture the magic he had in Philly around the mid-season mark. What goes up must come down. Plus, we already beat them once, so bring on the battered and bruised version.

Before I call this script (no pun intended) my official comeback to the bloggosphere, I know you Packer fans are all looking for some love. Who's your actor? Let's see, Conchata Ferrell? She looks like every female Packer fan anyway. Boom. Roasted.

As for Pick of the Day, after a long betting hiatus, the Pulse Man likes Ohio State covering the 3 point cushion that they're giving to Ryan Mallett and the Hogs on Tuesday. Let's see if he's still got it.

Pick of the Day: Arkansas vs. Ohio State (-3)- OHIO STATE

Record:(42-30-0)

Now I'm done. Rack Me

Frost

Overachievers

Normally when you think of overachievers, you think of the slightly nerdy girl in your high school's Student Council that hung out at the teachers desk all period, and was dressed like she was auditioning to be in an Old Navy performance fleece commercial on a daily basis. That is all fine and good. But tonight, the overachieving 2010 Chicago Bears have been crowned as NFC North division champs! They've got a 5-0 division record heading into their final two games and have clinched a playoff spot. Granted, the Bears have caught some luck along the way, but they have no reason to apologize for their season thus far. Is it their fault the Vikings fell victim to the "Black QB/White RB/There's absolutely no way we win this game" curse? The Bears are the only team to have defeated Mike Vick when he makes it through an entire game, and have guaranteed themselves at least a split with the Packers--not too bad. Through all of the criticism, Jay Cutler has played his way through his first winning season as an NFL quarterback, and will be playing in his first career NFL playoff game come January.

Still, what feels best about the Bears securing the NFC North title Monday night was the way it must have tasted in Packer fan's mouths. The Pack were a highly touted preseason favorite to not only win the NFC North, but the NFC as a whole. ESPN's array of analysts all penciled them in as the Super Bowl representative for the NFC. They might not even make the playoffs! Our division rivals in Green Bay can now become comfortable next to Miller Lite, Megan Fox, and a decent personality in the "Overrated (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap)" column. They can blame it on the injuries, blame it on Mike McCarthy, or blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. It makes no difference to me. Nobody gave the Bears a shot (not saying that I did), but they found a way to weather the storm and play their way into the postseason. What else is looking up for the Bears may you ask? A better question is, what isn't? The other division favorite this year, the Minnesota Vikings, are without a quarterback, without a head coach, without a stadium, and will be watching "Without a Paddle" airing on TBS during the early months of 2011. I think the Lions season speaks for itself, so I won't even go there. Props on beating the Packers.

With the playoff clinching in the past. The Bears can now concentrate on devising a game plan to knock off the most arrogant team in the NFL, and their obnoxious head coach, Rex Ryan, who will without question be Trimspa's next ad campaign. Would it be sweet to knock off the Pack in Week 17 heading into the playoffs? Yea it would, but it doesn't really matter, we already clinched. Wisconsinites can add the season finale to the list of meaningless sporting events they've endured in their lives along with every single Milwaukee Bucks and Brewers game since 1998. Bear the eff down!

As for Pick of the Day, the only negative from Monday night's victory was that the Pulse Man lost his bet. I'm sure everyone who reads this must have been spitting nails. For tomorrow, the Pulse Man likes the new look Magic giving 3 to the Mavs in Orlando tomorrow.

Pick of the Day: Mavericks @ Magic (-3)- MAGIC

Record:(41-28-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Em-bear-assing

I promised myself at a young age that I would never quote U2, under any circumstances. I believe that U2, and more specifically Bono fans, are the collective nerds of the universe. They're the type of people who drive around with the top down in their Chrysler Sebring when the temp is in the mid 70's, blasting the Joshua Tree CD at an outrageous volume. When you are stopped next to these people at a traffic light, you wonder how in the world this guy is married as he belts out the lyrics to "Where the streets have no name" at the top of his lungs like he's the next Josh Groban. Seriously, U2 sucks, and so do their fans. But, the only conceivable way to describe the Bears/Pats game from Sunday afternoon is through the lyrics of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday". After all, that's exactly what yesterday was for the NFC North division leaders.

"I can't believe the news today,
Oh, I can't close my eyes
And make it go away
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long, how long..." -U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday"-

At least it's not like we didn't see it coming. Belichick and Brady own the snow. For most athletes, the previous phrase would have serious cocaine-abuse undertones, but when aligned on the same sideline, these guys just simply don't lose when the turf is blanketed with powder. A lot of Bears fans were ecstatic about the forecast, mindlessly proclaiming that this occurrence of "Bears weather" would slow down the Pats potent offense and propel the Bears to a huge statement win against the best team in the AFC. Well, I guess if you cannot move the ball, tackle the punt returner, or keep the opposition's first half lead under 30 points, the weather is not rightfully "yours".

As Bears fans who could barely feel their extremities filed into Soldier Field yesterday, they had no idea what they were about to witness. They endured one of the coldest days of the year in order to see their hometown team play a competitive football game. Instead, they were paying guests to a game that had me watching Titanic on the Oxygen channel midway through the 3rd quarter. Almost instantly, the Patriots made it clear that they didn't lose much momentum from last week's dismantling of the Jets, and once again hung an insurmountable first half deficit on their opponent. Sunday's game proved to us that the Bears will continue to struggle in the snow without a running game. And with another date in Chicago as well as a meeting in Green Bay with the Packers in early January left on the schedule, the Bears certainly have their work cut out for them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least we didn't lose to a Drew Stanton led Lions team. Now that's just pitiful.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man's pick remains in tact from Friday (unlike the Metrodome). He still likes Eli Manning and co. to beat the Vikings at Ford Field tonight by more than a field goal.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Patriot Games

In anticipating Sunday's game between the Bears and Patriots, we can expect to see two teams who have proven themselves amongst the NFL's elite in 2010. It should come as no surprise that the New England Patriots, led by their GQ QB, Tom Brady, and their head coach Bill Belichick, who will likely dress for Sunday as if he just got done tossing around dumbells in his suburban garage, are pacing the AFC as they have done for most of the past decade. For the Bears on the other hand, in a more fly-by-night scenario, they lead the NFC North at 9-3 and are using their stout defense and the recently stellar play of their quarterback, Jay Cutler, as the catalysts for their own success. So, as a date with a dynasty looms on the horizon for Sunday afternoon, the Bears prepare for what will be the ultimate measuring stick for their football team. Do they belong with the frontrunners for the NFC Championship? Or, will their right-place, right-time performance so far this season fail to answer the bell this weekend resulting in the Patriots smacking another opponent across the face on nationally syndicated television. Remember: last time Cutler used a measuring stick, it didn't turn out well (just kidding, of course).

With all records aside, this matchup is much more than a 10-2 vs. 9-3, AFC vs. NFC battle; it is the ultimate quarterback dichotomy. For those of you who don't understand what a dichotomy is (Pulse Man), I'll do this in what they call, 'Layman's terms', although I admit, that expression has always sucked. I mean seriously, who the hell is Layman? I feel like he'd be the kind of guy that would lead me to do absolutely nothing by 'his' terms. Anyway, here's the deal: every football fan in America wants Tom Brady to be their quarterback and respect him, and his shoulder-lengthed lettuce to the hilt. In Cutler's case, even his city's own fans, the die-hards who are supposed to blindly defend him like he's cast in the whirlwind of a Salem witch trial, deride him like he just moved in on a girl that we just bought a drink. I admit, I'm absolutely, 100% guilty of this myself. But why? Is it because Brady has two rings, had arguably the best deep threat in the history of the NFL, and a mastermind head coach on his side? And we berate Jay Cutler for having never had a winning season, using a collection of return specialists for wideouts, and a head coach named after a Build-a-Bear? In most cases, I think we'd be pulling for Cutler over Brady, recalling the classic underdog mentality that is so popular in American sports. Think about it: Butler vs. Duke, Diamondbacks vs. Yankees in the '01 Fall classic, the Boise St. vs. Oklahoma 'Statue of Liberty' game...America loves this garbage! Now think about how many really big Jay Cutler fans you know. How many Chicagoans do you overhear flagging a cab on Wacker (I've never seen anyone flag a cab on Wacker, so I wouldn't know) saying, "Man, I love Cutler. He's my guy. If he throws 4 picks again tomorrow, he's still our quarterback." Don't kid yourself, it's not the picks. Favre threw the same amount of picks and I know two guys with Favre tats (true story, they're inked with #4's on their arms).

Even in their personal lives, we have given Brady the benefit of the doubt. Brady dated the down to earth, Bridget Moynahan, extensively in 2004, then she had his kid, named it after him, and then Tom left her and instead married a Brazilian supermodel named Gisele, and around the same time coincidentally became the spokesman for Gillete. Hmmmm....And for Jay, he only went out and got the lead starlet from every man's guilty pleasure (The Hills, of course. If you show me a guy who claims to have never watched an ep of The Hills, I'll show you a liar) and turned her into a Bears fan. Still, we continue to demean Cutler's footwork like he doesn't know more about playing the quarterback position than we do, and simultaneously call his diagnosis with diabetes a result of him being a 'chub'.

Maybe it's how both men carry themselves. How Brady will get up in a teammate's personal space, cuss him out, and then headbutt him after he throws him a 56 yard laser for a Touchdown on the next play. How Cutler will whimsically fling a laser down the middle of the field without Johnny Knox within a country mile, have it picked, ran back for 6, and the camera pans back to him casually jogging off the field like it's a Thursday rep against the scout team. The fact of the matter is, Jay Cutler will never be Tom Brady, and to be honest, I don't think he wants to be. On Sunday, just do yourself a favor and analyze both haircuts, and the men behind them before you choose your allegiance. I admire Brady just as much as the next guy for his passion, leadership, and his supermodel wife. But If you still side with Brady (I'm leaning towards it even after writing this), thank his publicist, his stylist, and again, his supermodel wife. Just don't thank Cutler.

As for Pick of the Day, with his inaugural Saturday 6 Pack campaign behind him, the Pulse Man has set his sights on the end of the NFL season. For this weekend, the Pulse Man likes the Giants to come out on top by more than 3 in Minnesota this weekend. Whether Favre plays or not, the Vikings still suck.

Also, special shoutout to Neal "The Wheel" Therrien for adding to Chicago Sports Noise facebook following. I hope this gets you some ass Neal. If anyone else wants a shoutout, suggest some friends to the facebook page and consider it done.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

So Suh Him

In sweeping the Lions this season, the Bears have needed every second of every drive, and every extra hard-fought yard to secure the W on both accounts. Also in both cases, the Bears have used substantial help from the employed zebras to make sure that the silver and blue didn't end their 19-game NFC North losing streak against the Bears. We all remember that sunny Sunday in September to open the season when the Bears nearly lost to the Lions, but one of their few talented players, Calvin Johnson, made the insurmountable mistake of simply not holding onto a game-winning TD pass after he had already caught it. Fast forward a few months, and a few starting Quarterbacks later, and the Lions once again had a shot at winning Sunday at Ford Field, and shoved it away with disgust. In this situation, it just so happened to be the only other remotely skilled member of the Lions football franchise, Ndamakong Suh, that made the mind-bending misstep late in the 4th frame. Don't get me wrong, without the 15 yard walk-off that ensued when the Lions were penalized, they still would have had to march the length of the field down 7 behind the trusty arm of 3rd-stringer Drew Stanton, who was busy meandering the sidelines in a moisture-wicking visor carefully contemplating how he was going to answer post-game interview questions for the first time in his NFL career. It would have been a highly unlikely scenario to see the Lions bravely pull out the W, there's no doubt. But shouldn't they have had the opportunity? Was Ndamukong Suh's two-handed bulldoze of Cutler necessarily an illegal play? Are roid rage and premature baldness finally playing a part into how Sunday's referee, Ed Hochuli, impulsively officiates the game? All debatable points.

Imagine your Ndamukong Suh. I can foresee this as an idea that might be a bit difficult to tackle (no pun intended) considering none of you are 6 foot 4, 307 lb. Cameroon-born defensive lineman with a 7 foot, 3 inch grandfather (true story). Still, I'm sure you have all dreamed weirder dreams rolled up in the down cotton comforter of your twin bunk bed. So there is Suh, sprinting at full-speed and sees perhaps the world's most arrogant, smug little worm, Jay Cutler, tip-toeing towards the first down marker. Would I have held up and properly form tackled Jay if I were Suh in the given situation? Hell no, I would have laid him out with one of John "Bradshaw" Layfield's vintage "clotheslines from hell". But Suh didn't, he simply chased down Cutler at full speed and pushed him over like a 4th grade girl in an unnecessarily violent game of tag in the playground wood-chips. Sure, it looked bad from Hochuli's angle because Cutler hit the field turf at Ford Field like a sack of wet laundry. But is it Suh's fault he can embarrass a chubby QB without using his legs? According the NFL rulebook, I guess it is. And as a result, Lions fans will have to once again drive home from their state of the art facility with silver face paint running from their cheeks after shouldering another demoralizing loss in their Chris Spielman jersey. You know what that is? Pure.....Michigan.

As for Pick of the Day, thanks to avid blog follower, Doug "Alize and Hennessy" Wynn, for the tickets, myself, the Pulse Man, Jack "the Body" Groot, and good friend and absolute psycho Matt Poklop (if you don't believe me, follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/unclepdog)will be attending the Bulls/Thunder game tonight at the UC. With that in mind, although it is undoubtedly a bad bet with the Durantula in town and Carlos Boozer playing like a Hispanic immigrant who just received citizenry, the Pulse Man likes the Bulls giving 4.5 to OKC.

Pick of the Day: Thunder @ Bulls (-4.5)-BULLS

Record:(36-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Top of the North

Considering the way every one's dog, Michael Vick, had played the past weeks in prime time, we were convinced that the Bears would be yet another casualty in Vick's attempt to Vapo Rub the entire NFC out of contention. Vick came into Sunday coming off of two weeks of dismantling fellow NFC East opponents on national television, amassing more fantasy points in the process than any player in the league--further establishing his reputation as every 35 year old's "Fantasy Dream" instead of dating Jen Aniston or receiving free child support. But the Bears held Vick relatively in check during Sunday's contest in Soldier Field, and Jay Cutler flat out outplayed the NFL MVP front runner in his 4 touchdown, 1 unsportsmanlike conduct penalty performance in front of a national audience. So, are the Bears legitimately the best team in the NFC North? Or, are they going to show up next week looking as pathetic as a middle-aged dad draped in an Abercrombie sweater and stonewashed jeans? Only time will tell.

When the Packers lost "in the Georgia dome, at the fifty yard line, when the dirty bids kicked the 'tree" (Ludacirs, What's Your Fantasy), the Bears took a one game lead in the NFC North as 'Matty Ice' cracked open yet another 'Natty Ice' in celebration of his 19th home win in 20 tries, again adding to his growing legend. At this point, all the Bears can do is hope to win the division so they don't have to travel to Atlanta in their first playoff game. With an impressive resume that includes being undefeated in their division, as well as statement wins over the Dolphins and Eagles, it's still a feasible possibility for the Monsters of the Midway.

Nevertheless, the Patriots, Jets and Packers still lie ahead on the season schedule before we can crown the Bears champions of the NFC North. But at 8-3, it's the Bears division to lose and as little as I trust the combination of a man named "Lovie" and a chubby, smug captain who received the first unsportsmanlike conduct penalty I have ever seen by a quarterback, they exuded some confidence in the Bears faithful yesterday. May the windy city be at your back.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is officially 10 games over .500 at (34-24) and is mauling over offers from betting blogs across the country. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes 49ers on the road in Arizona. Although he advises you not to watch the actual game, he is confident the Niners will cover the 1.5 point spread.

Pick of the Day: 49ers (-1.5) @ Cardinals- 49ERS

Record:(34-24-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Bowl of Chilly

Going into Sunday's decisive game at Soldier Field, you have to admit, you were nervous because you had no idea what Minnesota Vikings was going to show up that day. And, our new "punky QB" tends to be a little schizophrenic himself and the Bears well, aren't that good. But the Vikes play the "two-face" role better than Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight and left us guessing whether the aging, injured collection of Norse warriors (vikings, get it?) plagued by the constant futility surrounding their inept, moron of a head coach team would show up. Or, perhaps the uber talented, explosive purple people eaters motivated by their collective aversion for their moron of a head coach would show up and beat the Bears by 10 points behind a QB that mirrored Burt Reynolds' character in The Longest Yard. Turns out, the Vikings couldn't rally around the tactlessness that has come to define Brad Childress, who has now established himself to be only one small peg above the whale that is former Cowboys coach Wade Phillips.

In the end, the Bears are 6-3 and 3-0 in the division. And even if those three wins are due to loopholes in the NFL's rule book, Monday Night Miracles and Billy Heywood-like coaching maneuvers, we'll take em. Yesterday's game at Soldier Field marked the first time this season in which the Bears actually performed to the level of play that their record would indicate(with the exception of the Packers game on MNF, but I'm convinced that Monday night game was somehow touched by the hand of god because he was offended by Clay Matthews' haircut). On Sunday, Cutler was tame in the pocket, delicately performing his "fairy dance" backpedal to perfection, then whizzing the ball around the field to his undersized receiving core. (Unrelated: the Bears top 3 receiver's #'s are 13,23 and 19. Shouldn't that signal the notion that you need to trade/draft/sign a real receiver? Whatever) Devin Hester proved his worth once again as one of the most dangerous weapons in the National Football League, and for that we can only thank Brad Childress, who consistently elected to punt to Hester and let him permeate through his special teams defense like they were armless amputees.

Every time the Vikings slipped further away from getting a much needed W, the cause always trickled back to the bearded bonehead in the headset on the Vikings sideline. When Favre frantically scrambled around the pocket like his clothes were on fire, only to carelessly toss a pick into the Bears secondary, you knew Favre was making whimsical decisions in spite of Chilly, and thus Brad, not Brett, was the man to blame. When Fox panned their cameras over to the Vikings sideline to show Percy Harvin, B squared, and Sid Rice all leisurely relaxing with assorted injuries, Childress was the man to blame for cutting loose the best deep threat of the past 20 years two weeks prior. I'm sure Randy Moss' "take the ball deep, take the top off the defense" soundbite was echoing in the collective ears of Minnesota. After all, you can't expect for Favre to successfully sling lasers to guys whose last names are one consonant removal away from translating into the Spanish word for 'yellow' and the largest city in the Texas panhandle (Greg Camarillo). On a cold, windy, November Sunday in Chicago, the Bears wanted nothing more than a big bowl "Chilly" to keep them both warm, and atop the NFC's North division. Although brad Childress is still on the Vikings payroll, he may want to start applying to be Tony Kornheiser's replacement on PTI so the sports world never has to sit through a half-hour of Dan Lebatard, or Bob Ryan ever again.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man has reached the 30 win plateau relatively quickly and can only thank his lack of a girlfriend for that result. For tonight, the Pulse Man actually likes the T-Wolves covering the 9.5 points they are getting in Charlotte. Kevin Love did have 30 and 30 last week, hopefully ESPN does a 30for 30 about it.

Pick of the Day: Minnesota (+9.5) @ Charlotte- T-WOLVES (-105)

Record:(30-23-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Sick of # 6

I thought we had put the past away (and stepped back from that ledge my friend). Apparently not. On Sunday afternoon, Cutler showed flashes of the 26 INT season he endured a year ago. Carelessly launching the football around the field with seemingly no sense of instinct for where his receivers were on any given play, ultimately leading to the Bears second straight home loss to a mediocre team with a morbid color scheme (Redskins and Seahawks? Come on). The Bears/Skins game had more turnovers than a danish bakery and the city is on Jay Cutler again--relentlessly blaming his ineptitude on his diabetes, cursing his socialite girlfriend with hateful responses to her recent "Me and Jay just carved pumpkins" tweet (true story). Prior to Cutler's arrival in Chicago, we used to compare Cutler and Brett Favre for their tremendous arm strength and their uncanny ability to place the ball in a window the size of a women's locker room peephole. Now, the only similarity the two quarterbacks share is in their ability to lure attention-driven cosmopolitan starlets to their hotel suite using the powers behind the camera application on their Droid Incredible.

Had Cutler thrown 4 INT's trying to make something happen to push the Bears into "Field Gould" range and swallowed his pride in the postgame press-conference, it would have been a different animal, a whole new can of worms if you will (shout-out Matt DeMars). Instead, Cutler completed more passes to DeAngelo Hall (4) than his Tight End and starting Running Back combined (3). He had two turnovers in the Red Zone: a goal line plunge fumble that stripped the Bears of 6 points, and a back-footed lob interception that turned into 6 points for the Redskins. Even J'Marcus Webb can do that Math--"that's a 12 point swiiiiing, y'aaaaaalllllll". Still, the most puzzling incident that happened on Sunday could have been Cutler's postgame press-conference in which he boldly stated "If we played them again tomorrow, I'd go at him (DeAngelo Hall) every time if I could." Really Jay? You threw four picks to the guy in one half. You would've had 5 INT's if Laron Landry hadn't tried to catch one of your errant passes with his dome, coincidentally giving offensive tackle Chris Williams his first meaningful stat of the season, a reception.

The good news is, the Bears get a week off to watch the Packers take a 1/2 game lead in the division. The bad news, the Bears next 'performance' isn't even in the United States and after the way the Buffalo Bills played Sunday, it is conceivably a losable game. If the Bills can win anywhere, it's got to be the frigid, baron wasteland of Canada. Hopefully Cutler can block out all the cheese-eating surrender monkeys dressed in denim outfits in the stands with their neckties roped into Windsor knots, chugging Canadian Club Whiskey and bloviating about the Canadian healthcare system and their mutual adoration for all things Northern Pike. I'm seriously scared about this Buffalo game; Fitzpatrick was born for Canada.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man salvaged his Saturday 6 Pack with a win in his 'Big Ticket' pick. Still recovering from his weekend at EIU, which presumably erupted on Sunday afternoon after hearing the news that alumnus Mike Shanahan took down the Bears, the Pulse Man likes the Heat in the opening game of their 2010-2011 campaign against the Brian Scalbrine-less Boston Celtics at a 'pick em' value (-105).

Pick of the Day: Heat @ Celtics- HEAT (pick em) (-105)

Record:(25-20-0)

Now I'm done. Rack Me

Frost

A True 'Collins Mix'

Well, what we all were afraid of is inching closer and closer to actualization. At the end of the preseason when the Bears sent Dan LeFevour off into the most Twiiter friendly locker room in professional sports with the Cincinatti Bengals, and consequently signed the aging fossil that is Tom Collins, who weirdly enough sports a Fossil Textured Blue-to-Mirror Dial Watch, I knew the Bears were flirting with disaster. One big hit, one freak injury, one diabetic flare-up and Jay Cutler would be sent to the sidelines and in would jog Todd Collins and every clueless, female Bears fan would ask "Is that the detective from CSI: Miami?" and every male would respond, "Nope, that's Todd "f*%@-ing Collins, our new quarterback!" weeping with his head in his hands. The Bears knew what they were getting with Todd, a perennial backup quarterback who they wouldn't have to mature into the NFL lifestyle, because he did that himself as a rookie in 1995 when "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was being recorded onto cassette tapes all over the United States. But, through all of this, he is now our starting quarterback in possibly the most vulnerable position of the season for the Bears. They play a desperate 0-4 team with a rookie QB and nothing to lose. The same team that came within 3 minutes of beating the defending Super Bowl Champs and "Brees-us" (as in Jesus) just a week ago.

There are 3 possible scenarios for how this game could turn out, and with the spirit of the Collins surname in mind, I decided to correlate each of the 3 possible ways this game could unfold with one of Phil Collins' 3 most popular singles. The vexing, ominous tale of a man who witnesses a murder in "In the Air Tonight", the how am I possibly enjoying this but I can't stop dancing "Sussudio", and the remake of the classic Supreme's hit single "You Can't Hurry Love" which has a joyful rhythm and chorus, but the lyrics impart that we should practice elementary virtues like patience and compromise (who does that?).

First, and what is likely to be the most realistic, Collins' performance in Carolina Sunday could give us the feel of a graveyard undertaker like "In the Air Tonight". His eerie lyrics and constant repetition of the phrase "oh lorrrrrrd" could represent the feelings of Bear fans everywhere whenever Collins drops back to pass on both of his surgically repaired legs Sunday afternoon. There has always been a certain ambiguity about this Phil Collins hit. In fact, its popularity possibly stemmed from the ambiguity of the lyrics and is likely a representation of a murder. If Collins' appearance last week could be described as anything, I would venture to say it represents a murder. And for those 10 seconds in which he lied there motionless on the turf after the Giants D end nearly ended his playing career last week are any indication of things to come, let's all prepare for...(gulp) a murder.

Telling Lyric: "So you can wipe of that grin, I know where you've been, it's all a pack of lies" Phil Collins 'In the Air Tonight'

But, you never know. The Panthers are 0-4 for a reason--they suck. No doubt about it. The 'Matt Moore Experiment' which sounds like a pilot for ABC family coming up next fall in which a veteran coach and a new girlfriend try to jump-start a terrible QB's career was a calamity in every sense of the word. The Jimmy Clausen era has gotten an early start in Charlotte but still hasn't yielded a win for the desperate Panthers. So, in facing an average defense and winless group in Carolina, Todd Collins can go out there and sling the ball around and have some fun without the thought of breaking his neck, or his ex-wife being in the lower section giving secrets of his lack of sexual endowment to die-hard Panther fans (if they even exist). Todd Collins' performance can somehow resemble the playful Phil Collins hit, "Sussudio", a song about chasing around a young woman and catching that 'lightning in a bottle' that has eluded Todd Collins for his entire career. Maybe Sunday's game will inject the youth back into the geezer that Todd Collins has become. Maybe.

Telling Lyric: "I've just got to have her, have her now, I've got to get close but I don't know how" Phil Collins, "Sussudio"

And lastly, it is also entirely possible that Collins has a modest performance in which he neither wins, nor loses the game for the Bears, but the Bears come up on the short of the proverbial stick. Maybe Collins puts up Cutler-esque numbers, but also makes some Cutler-like mistakes in the process leaving us feeling like we just ordered a Coke that tastes an awful lot like RC Cola. Sometimes remakes are good, but rarely if ever are they as good as the original (except in the case of Joni Mitchell's 'Big Yellow Taxi'--that song is pure noise and the remake is well, good). But, in this case I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the Supremes, Phil. Your remake was decent, but in the end nobody wants to hear a guy say "You just have to wait, love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take". Those are girls lyrics plain and simple, and in the end, Todd Collins belongs on the Chicago Bliss of the Lingerie Football league, not the Chicago Bears.

I hope I don't have to see the clock wind down on Sunday and see an indifferent Lovie Smith as Clausen parades around the sidelines with a game ball, receiving hugs and pounds from his teammates while he pre-orders rounds of shots for his O-line at the bar down the street from the stadium. I really hope I don't have to see that, but it's a very distinct possibility.

As for Pick of the Day, the jury is still out on the Rays/Rangers game 2 but at the time of this post, the Rangers are up 6-0. So, trying to get a win for the day, the Pulse Man will ride with the Sox's division rival Twins getting a win at home against the Yanks tonight. The Twins are home dogs at (+107) but I know some friends from college at the game so I'll give the Twinks the benefit of the doubt.

Pick of the Day: Yankees @ Twins- Twins, moneyline (+107)

Record: (23-16-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Ran-sacked

If you had something better to do Sunday night around 8 o'clock, good for you. If you chose to view an abridged version of Happy Gilmore on ABC family instead of tuning into NBC for Sunday Night Football, wise choice. Even if you DVR'd a few eps of The Good Wife and spent Sunday evening getting your weekly Julianna Margulies fix, for once in your life, keeping tabs on the effects that menopausal crisis can have on middle aged women was far more exciting than anything that happened in the New Meadowlands Stadium on Sunday. Looking back, I'd rather have gone halfsies on a pack of menthols and watch the deleted scenes of Lonesome Jim with Casey Affleck. Everyone was sort of expecting some kind of fall from grace in the coming weeks but still, no one expected Cutler to feel more sacks than a public physician administering physicals in a strip-mall doctors office.

Needless to say, the Bears O-line Sunday night never really showed up. They embarrassingly allowed 10 sacks, countless hurries, and had the triumvirate of Cutler, Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie encounter more hits than funnyordie.com in a high school computer lab. After about 7 sacks, Cutler became easily frustrated and handed over the reigns to Todd Collins for the second half as the image of Kristin Cavallari fondling a bag of frozen peas over his concussed forehead became affixed in his mind. In the 2 hr. heap of inept offense and what appeared to be effectiveness on defense by default, I was curious as to who was to blame for the Bears inadequacies on the offensive side of the football. Was it the offensive line that looked quite possibly like the most easily movable 300 lb. objects in the world? Was it Cutler doing the 'stop, drop, and roll' every time he faced pressure in the pocket? Or was it Mike Martz, whose scheme against the Giants seemingly lacked any trace of a route Cutler could check down to? It had to be a mixture of the 3. Coming off a week in which the Bears had arguably their biggest win since the 2006 NFC Championship and had a lot to be proud of, they sludged through a historically dreadful output of 110 yards on national TV while looking completely unprepared in the process.

I understood to an extent that the Giants were looking to prove a point against the Bears after a disappointing 2 game losing streak that had NYC disgruntled and disheartened going into Sunday night. But, to think that at the end of the game we would have played all 3 quarterbacks on our roster, gained under 120 yards, averaged 1.4 yds. per pass, punted 9 times, went 0-13 on 3rd down and scored 3 total points was unfathomable until suffering through the hysterectomy that was Sunday Night Football.

On a brighter note, hopefully that blindside barrage of Todd Collins has spurred him toward retirement. What a garbage eater that guy is. There's a reason he's been a backup since the Cuban Missle Crisis. He is simply just awful. Always hanging around in the hotel lobby on team road trips reading The Bridges of Madison County in paperback, constantly sitting in the whirlpool to relieve his ailing back, and eternally preaching his investment strategy to Caleb Hanie when Caleb either A) only cares about the young female in the lower bowl with the low cut top and the loose curls, or B) is attentively transfixed on the trainers refilling the Gatorade cooler to see if they're funneling in his favorite flavor (presumably glacier freeze) into that giant orange jug. I refuse to give Todd Collins a chance. I pray to God Cutler's concussion symptoms subside before next week game against Carolina.

In looking forward to the Panthers matchup, if Cutler starts, we could have a faceoff between the two punkiest QB's since Ryan Leaf disappeared from the NFL. Seriously, Cutler and Clausen could be featured on a track on the next AFI CD. All I know is, the Panthers won't be a walk through win, and if the Bears drop a game in the Bible Belt next weekend and spoil Julius Peppers' homecoming, there could be a very pessimistic turn in the Bears season predictions.

As for Pick of the Day, with the ability to bet on meaningless baseball games gone, the Pulse Man has shifted into playoff baseball/football mode for the rest of the fall until the NBA picks up around Halloween. After a solid weekend in which he covered two of his 3 bets on Saturday including a 3-team parlay at (+438), The Pulse Man faces a pick-em spread in tonight's jargon laden Monday Night Football broadcast. He likes Tom Brady, his haircut, and the rest of the Pats to get a win on MNF.

Pick of the Day: Patriots @ Dolphins- Patriots (-105)

Record: (22-15-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

The Bears Are Back in Town

You gotta admit, nobody thought the Bears would be 3-0 and leading the NFC North after the season's first 3 weeks. To be honest, the first 3 games of the season can kind of be looked at as the fans of Chicago 'dating' the idea of their beloved Bears being a relevant team in the NFC. After week 1, the girl they first encountered on opening weekend looked pretty good. She had a cute outfit which made you wonder (Cutler, speed on the edges, Forte), but maybe it was only because she was simply surrounded by her DFG (dog faced gremlin, invented by one Tate Stunkel) roommate that was pushing 3 bills (the Lions) who kept giving you looks after you continuously attempted to box her out of conversations all night. Then, when you met up with the same girl the next weekend after a series of incoherent text messages, she started to grow on you a little bit as she put her 'weapons' to good use (do I really need to draw a correlation to how a female uses her weapons? think about it) and continued to impress you. Still, you were unsure of her overall endowment because you were 4 Hurricanes deep and feeling as if a 5th were to be a good idea. After two successful rendezvouses, you finally asked her to join you on a fancy, chic dinner (Monday Night Football) that would give you a definitive answer about her without the sounds of Muse blaring through the sardined bar speakers and muddling your supposedly lucid conversation. As it turns out, she didn't disappoint and left you feeling proud to be dating someone with such promise...it's still a long season. Let's see if she cheats on us with a loser computer technician next week (Eli Manning).

All meaningless metaphors aside, the Bears came to play Monday night and shocked the football world in joining the Chiefs and the Charlie Batch led Pittsburgh Steelers as the league's only unbeatens. The Bears consistently came up big in key situations. Even if it seemed to be a blindfolded Cutler throwing off of his back foot into double coverage, Greg Olsen and the rest of the Bears receivers continued to make him look like he knew what he was doing. Granted, Jay "Don't worry about my delivery, it's DiGiorno" Cutler was bailed out of two interceptions by a couple of the Packers franchise record-breaking 18 penalties. Monday night's game may not have been the most penalized football game I had ever seen, but it was certainly the game with the most individual flags thrown in the history of the NFL. Perhaps it was the blatant nature of the Packers offenses (literally going helmet first into Cutler's chin on 3rd and long, Tauscher holding on 2 consecutive plays, holding Earl Bennett like he was the high school prom date of the Packers' DB, etc.), but the Soldier Field turf looked like Koopa Troopa beach after Toad just ran threw it with a bundle of bananas in Mario Kart after each penalty.

On the offensive side of the ball, the Packers game plan was relatively easy to figure out. The Pack realized that although it is extremely interesting and presumably backwards when they hand the ball off to their white running back and a bunch of Wisconsinites gleefully respond by yelling "KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHN", they weren't going to do much on the ground Monday night. In fact, I felt as if Rodgers completed a check-down pass on virtually every play the Packers had from scrimmage. They probably did this to try and limit A-Rodg's time in the pocket so they wouldn't have to deal with Julius Peppers (who still made his presence felt by blocking a FG), but Rodgers honestly had more 7-10 yd. completions last night than Antonio Cromartie has kids (on second thought, we can't prove that). And, although it seemed as if the Packers were moving the ball with relative ease, they only put up 17 points. With that being said, the difference in the game was Devin Hester, who according to Jon Gruden has "4. don't know" speed (the broadcasters in this game were despicable and showed meaningless replays of the Bears RT and Clay Matthews who were irrelevant in the play on 4 straight downs). Last night, when he stood back there doing his sexual innuendo laden dances while waiting for the punt, shades of 2007 ran through every Bears fans head as they prayed he could pull something out, and simultaneously pull the Bears, and the home crowd back into the game...and he did. Hester was impressive and effective last night. However, neither of the aforementioned adjectives can be used to describe his haircut, which remains to be an utter atrocity. Needless to say, Packer punter Tim Masthay will have to post his resume on Monster.com and put his agriculture degree from Kentucky to work, because he sure as hell isn't going to be punting in Green Bay much longer after his series of shortcomings Monday night.

In any event, the Bears played to win last night and I respect Lovie Smith's mentality going in. Even though the 4th and 1 attempt from the goal line failed, his chutzpah (yes, that's a real word) when the game was on the line was refreshing to see. Thousands of trained professionals in the Chicagoland area were relieved with a win Monday night as they could now go to work on Tuesday and not have to listen to some six-toothed, janitorial staff, hillbilly parade around the workplace and brag about the Packers. Chalk another one up for the Land of Lincoln. Bear Down!

As for Pick of the Day, I apologize for the lack of Saturday 6-pack and Sunday Teaser from this past weekend. I was visiting friends in LaCrosse, Wisconsin and was consumed too much by flat keg beer that tasted like lukewarm chicken broth, Affliction t-shirts, and Ke$ha songs to formulate anything productive for the blog. However, tonight the Pulse Man likes Roy Oswalt and the Phils to beat the Nationals tonight on the moneyline at (-126). Anytime you can bet against the Nats on those odds, you take it.

Pick of the Day: Phillies @ Nationals- PHILLIES-moneyline (-126)

Record:(22-13-0)

A Fresh Cut

Well, lets review what we didn't think was going to happen two weeks ago. First, Tyler Colvin is in stable condition in a Florida hospital after getting a punctured chest from a flying baseball bat!?! More shocking however, the Chicago Bears are 2-0 and Jay Cutler is the highest rated QB in the NFL. Two weeks ago, you would have had a better chance of convincing me that Justin Bieber got caught dropping acid at the VMA's, but it's true and right now Cutler might as well be Mike Ditka, Walter Payton and the Easter Bunny all at once. Now, on the horizon lurks the 'best thing since shredded cheese' in Wisconsin's Green Bay Packers and the lead singer from Guns N Roses who has peculiarly turned into a Packers starting linebacker.

The Bears have slayed the weak (Lions), the apparently strong (Cowboys), and now look to take the stone from their pocket and sling it toward the NFL's Goliath. Although the Bears had their share of doubters after their week 1 win in which they needed help from Shaun Hill and ultimately the NFL rulebook to secure the W, the Bears legitimately looked like an elite NFC team against the Cowboys. On display was the Bears' speed on the edges, their quarterbacks precise,yet powerful arm, and the leagues best rushing defense (56 rush yds. in 2 games). The Bears may have slid through by the skin of their teeth in week 1, but they're 2-0. And, although their combined opponents are 0-4, they can only play who's on their schedule. The Bears have their fair share of critics--most of whom live in a town named after a Native American tribe and drink beer cheese soup out of Styrofoam cups on Sunday afternoons. The Packer Backers want to give them a test, what better stage than Monday Night Football? Besides the constant annoyance of Ron Jaworski's voice, it's safe to say that the 'showdown in the spaceship' should be a good watch on Monday Night.

However, in order to get to this point, the Bears have had to ride the arm of Jay Cutler. The same guy who was the blanket of blame for the Bears' disappointing season a year ago now has the keys to McCaskey's castle. This might be the first team in the history of football that might attract Perez and Paris Hilton to watch the same football game. Without the darts Cutler threw in the first two weeks, the Bears could easily be treading water with a Green and Gold tidal wive fast approaching. Instead, Bear fans have a renewed sense of confidence in #6 and are holding onto the home/underdog/conference game trifecta that often proves to be so valuable.

With a Bear/Packer preview blog coming tomorrow, this blog serves as simply a prelude to the big show. As for pick of the day, The Pulse Man had a rough Saturday (missing both parlays by one point-Minnesota and NIU shockingly covered) but managed to finagle a teaser win for the second straight week on Sunday. Tomorrow night, he likes the Reds to once again embarrass Dave Bush tomorrow at (-110).

Pick of the Day: Reds @ Brewers- REDS-moneyline (-110)

Record:(20-13-0)

Just Grin and Bear it

A lot of people won't invest too much into the Bears current 0-3 record going into their last preseason game with the Browns tonight. Some might say, the starters don't play enough for the games to be meaningful. Or, you should only look at the first quarter stats to tell if the Bears are prepared. That is all fine and good, and, the bottom line is, these games don't really count. But, the Bears currently rank 29th in points scored (12.0),28th in yds. per game (243), and 30th in pass yards per game (159.3) red flags are flying around like a group of hyperactive preteens playing in a 12 and under soccer league. None of the Bears signal callers have a QB rating over my highest college math test score--(82.5- Caleb Hanie) and he's our third string guy who is going to do nothing but hold a clipboard and be thankful that the Bears equipment manager gave him one of those fashionable, mesh, draft day hats so he can feel like he's actually a part of the team. On the defensive side of the ball, the supposed "Monsters of the Midway" have mustered only 6 sacks to their opponents 16, and have given up 7 tuddies in 3 games. Now I know that you don't want to hit the proverbial panic button too early in the preseason, but the worst part about all of this is--nobody on the team seems to care.

For instance, we can start with former all-pro middle linebacker Brian Urlacher. Coming off a season in which he played in only one game and had little effect on stopping Green Bay during that singular contest, I would say that this is a year in which Urlacher has a lot to prove. He's already been banged up in the preseason and has taken the cautionary days off to ensure that he's healthy for week 1. However, if you're going to miss practice and preseason games and we can't see you on FOX for the Bears telecast, don't let us see you on HBO's Entourage, rippin' Tequila shots with Turtle being the absolute worst actor since Chris Bosh had a similar cameo on Entourage the week before. Now, I understand that the episode was probably filmed long before Urlacher got hurt, and he probably made a quick buck for his brief appearance, not to mention that someone (Turtle) actually recognized the Professor Xavier look alike outside of his franchise's city. I know Brian has been the backbone of the Bears D for a long time now, and we have dealt with him bringing Paris Hilton into the Press Box and other meaningless drivel before. Hell, we even gave his abject brother, Casey a tryout with the team to try and appease the Urlacher family. I just hope Urlacher is dedicated to becoming the Bears' middle linebacker on Sundays rather than running around Hollywood trying to appear on premium cable television for a chance to meet Emanuelle Chiriqui.

And then, if we didn't have enough to deride Jay Cutler for other than his preseason 51% completion percentage, his 62.3 QB rating, and his sickening 'swirl-cut'(shout out Matt DeMars) we soon find out that he's taking out The Hills starlet Kristin Cavallari out to drink a bottle of Cabernet and dine on some Surf and Turf at a high end Steakhouse in the Loop. And I thought Urlacher had something to prove this year? Cutler is coming off a 26 interception season and is trying to justify his mammoth contract. More importantly Jay, you went for Kristin? Really? If it were me, I would have played hard to get with Audrina and desperately tried to end up in an off-season scuffle with Justin Bobby, or at least tried to resurface LC into mainstream pop culture. All I see the Cutler/Cavallari relationship consisting of is incessant whining and lavish Christmas gifts. After all, Cutler was born in Santa Claus, Indiana (stranger than fiction).

If it sounds like I am nervous for the Bears' upcoming season--you're right, I am. Despite Aaron Rodgers looking like a complete tool constantly "showing the belt" and employing abominable facial hair gimmicks to try and command attention, he has had a flawless preseason and hung a crooked 59 on the defending AFC Champion Colts. Favre will come ready to play, you know he will. Nobody comes back out of shape while you're still playing when you're old enough to use Just for Men-Touch of Gray on the daily. And Matt Stafford, let's just say he's got enough weapons to steal a few games in the division. Give the guy a chance, he's not Jon Kitna.

As for pick of the day, after being reminded constantly from Facebook and Twitter that "college football is finally starting today...so jacked." The Pulse Man has decided to make his inaugural College Football bet as he likes Southern Miss giving South Carolina a real test in Columbia tonight and covering the 13.5 point spread. I hope everyone enjoys the first night of college football and also takes in some games this weekend. I will be taking in the Iowa/Eastern Illinois barn-burner first hand and will definitely let you know how it goes. Stay close for a link to Friday afternoon's first ever podcast from Chicago Sports Noise as a carload of 5 males makes the 4 hour trek to Iowa City.

Pick of the Day: Southern Miss. @ South Carolina- SOUTHERN MISS. -13.5 (-110)

Record:(15-11-0)

A Bearable Parable?

A parable is defined in the dictionary as a short moral story usually involving animal characters. In this case, the Bears players will act as the "animal characters", or in Layman's terms, there will be no Air Bud or MVP: Most Valuable Primate references in this blog (I guess that already is one). In other words, the Bears signing of Jay Cutler in 2009 proved to be quite the moral story. The moral of course being, don't put all your eggs in the primadonna, discreetly chubby, franchise quarterback's basket. Nonetheless, Jay Cutler has potential, that much is inevitable based on his pro bowl season in Denver. Even if he's spotted at Hub 51 slamming gin coolers until 5 am on a Saturday night, I'd rather have him under center than: Shane Matthews, Jim Miller, Cade McNown, Moses Moreno, Erik Kramer, or any other ineffectual Bear quarterback of the past 2 decades. The exception of course, in this case, is facial hair extraordinaire (a little assonance for the critics), Kyle Orton. Orton brought his blue-collar "I'm hungover on Sundays" work ethic to the gridiron and remained to be relatively effective and notably consistent during his tenure in Chicago. Whatever your opinion of Orton may be, it is hard to refute that he was always tolerable, never masterful, and in the end, Bears management deemed him to be replaceable. However when Cutler came to town, McCaskey was about to give him a property share of McCormick Place like some sort of real life enactment of the Chicago edition of Monopoly. Instead, Cutler had a frustrating year throwing to a receiving core that had comparable talent to a 4A Illinois state semi-finalist while resembling a bizarro, bloated Brett Favre in the process. Except of course Cutler hasn't won 3 MVP's,a Super Bowl, or popped pain pills like Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line. For Cutler's sophomore campaign as a Bear to be a little more successful, and the moral of this extensive parable to be more conciliating for Bear fans, a few question marks must fall into place perfectly after swirling around in the Chicago area wind this summer.

HE NEEDS PEOPLE TO THROW TO. Sure, Devin Hester and Johnny Knox are fast and coincide easily with the cliche tag-line "Not even Cutler can overthrow them." But, they need at least a few years to develop into actual pass-catchers and escape the identity that has preceded them by the character of Clifford Franklin in Keanu Reeve's quotable sports film, The Replacements. I understand that Devin Hester retains information like a strainer retains water. But still, enroll Jay Cutler in an introductory Ebonics course at Roosevelt University downtown so he can at least communicate with Hester on a conversational level. As for the tight end, they are as imperative to a quarterback's red zone success as much as Red Zone deodorant has been crucial to Brian Urlacher's success. Remember how Favre and Chmura connected for 7 TD's in 1995 before Chmura found it to be a better idea to get into a hot tub with the 17 year old, provocative babysitter of his young children (weird story). Kerry Collins turned Wesley Walls into an actual tight end and not some guy who people stumbled upon accidentally when they googled Wesley Willis. Greg Olsen could become the next premiere tight end in the NFC if we stop him from being featured on tracks by the 7th Floor Crew (his rap group at Miami) and playing so much damn sand volleyball on North Beach. Lastly, we all have heard of the lovable mad-scientist Mike Martz in St. Louis with the "greatest show on turf". However, he also taught us that you cannot paint a masterpiece with a paintbrush you got for 20% off at Sherwin-Williams. You need the pieces, and the Lions made Mike Martz's offense look as scrambled and misplaced as Matt Stafford's adult film VHS collection in his studio loft in Motown.

HE NEEDS A SOLID AND HEALTHY D. With the addition of Julius Peppers, we will soon find out if "Orange (and blue) Julius" is as menacing to quarterbacks as advertised or if he was simply overrated because he was the only player on the Carolina Panthers that we knew by name. Either way, add a healthy Tommie Harris and you have a defensive line that could reek havoc on NFC North quarterbacks. If the Bears can keep a healthy secondary and Lance Briggs can attack the passer like Snooki attacks Angelina in the kitchen of their house on the Jersey Shore, things could be looking up for the Bears D. Also, Urlacher being healthy gives him another season to prove that he is: A) not a neo-nazi off the field, but makes tackles like he is possessed by some sort of hateful motive, and B)won't be the NFL's "most overrated player" in 2011, which is seeming to become an annual occurrence. Enter "Roasted and Salted" Peanut Tillman having a good year into the mix and the possibility of another young DB (DJ Moore, Corey Graham)coming into their own and the "Monsters of the Midway" have the possibility regaining their old form.

HE NEEDS A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK. When the Bears won the division and made the playoffs with a 13-3 record in 2001, they were without a doubt the luckiest team in the NFL. For this season to be a successful one, the Bears need to stay relatively healthy, and have a few of Cutler's arid tipped passes to find the cold, Soldier Field turf rather than the hands of opposing DB's. They have already received a little nod from the gods with the apparent retirement of Brett Favre. Let's be honest, the Vikings won't go anywhere with a quarterback named after a watered-down, gray/green color--like Sage Rosenfels. All we need now is another Loveboat scandal equipped with sex, drugs, and those seasickness prevention bracelets and the Vikings and Lions will be battling for that cellar spot in the NFC North. The Bears have a legitimate opportunity to win 6 out of their first 8 with opponents like Detroit, Carolina, Seattle, Washington, Buffalo and New York on their schedule. If they get off to a good start and good things start to snowball, Jay Cutler could become Chicago's new Patrick Kane-- a lovable, drunken, winner. I guess his comb-over just lends him to a more emo fan base.

So, in the end, for the moral of this story to be positive and we can look back at the Cutler trade with similar endearment as the Rodman pick up, or the move to take Darren Jackson out of the White Sox television booth. Either way, this year will tell a lot about the future of Jay Cutler. Whether he proves to be a "cut" above the rest, or starts to "cut" himself like some deranged centerpiece on MTV's Teen Mom.

As for Pick of the Day, Pulse Man fell off his high horse last night as the Royals stunned him by coming through for their 6th win of the season. So with last night's loss, he finds himself at 8-6, and if this were the NFC playoff picture for the Bears, he might be having to hold his breath. However, he still controls his own destiny for tonight and will be picking another player prop since he is undefeated in that category. He likes Prince Fielder to have more hits, runs and RBI's than the Cubs sputtering, spanglish-speaking right fielder, Alfonso Soriano in the Cubs/Brewers matinee series finale.

PICK OF THE DAY: Brewers@Cubs Player Prop: Combined Hits, Runs and RBI's.
PICK:FIELDER (-120)

RECORD:(8-6-0)