Overachievers

Normally when you think of overachievers, you think of the slightly nerdy girl in your high school's Student Council that hung out at the teachers desk all period, and was dressed like she was auditioning to be in an Old Navy performance fleece commercial on a daily basis. That is all fine and good. But tonight, the overachieving 2010 Chicago Bears have been crowned as NFC North division champs! They've got a 5-0 division record heading into their final two games and have clinched a playoff spot. Granted, the Bears have caught some luck along the way, but they have no reason to apologize for their season thus far. Is it their fault the Vikings fell victim to the "Black QB/White RB/There's absolutely no way we win this game" curse? The Bears are the only team to have defeated Mike Vick when he makes it through an entire game, and have guaranteed themselves at least a split with the Packers--not too bad. Through all of the criticism, Jay Cutler has played his way through his first winning season as an NFL quarterback, and will be playing in his first career NFL playoff game come January.

Still, what feels best about the Bears securing the NFC North title Monday night was the way it must have tasted in Packer fan's mouths. The Pack were a highly touted preseason favorite to not only win the NFC North, but the NFC as a whole. ESPN's array of analysts all penciled them in as the Super Bowl representative for the NFC. They might not even make the playoffs! Our division rivals in Green Bay can now become comfortable next to Miller Lite, Megan Fox, and a decent personality in the "Overrated (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap)" column. They can blame it on the injuries, blame it on Mike McCarthy, or blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. It makes no difference to me. Nobody gave the Bears a shot (not saying that I did), but they found a way to weather the storm and play their way into the postseason. What else is looking up for the Bears may you ask? A better question is, what isn't? The other division favorite this year, the Minnesota Vikings, are without a quarterback, without a head coach, without a stadium, and will be watching "Without a Paddle" airing on TBS during the early months of 2011. I think the Lions season speaks for itself, so I won't even go there. Props on beating the Packers.

With the playoff clinching in the past. The Bears can now concentrate on devising a game plan to knock off the most arrogant team in the NFL, and their obnoxious head coach, Rex Ryan, who will without question be Trimspa's next ad campaign. Would it be sweet to knock off the Pack in Week 17 heading into the playoffs? Yea it would, but it doesn't really matter, we already clinched. Wisconsinites can add the season finale to the list of meaningless sporting events they've endured in their lives along with every single Milwaukee Bucks and Brewers game since 1998. Bear the eff down!

As for Pick of the Day, the only negative from Monday night's victory was that the Pulse Man lost his bet. I'm sure everyone who reads this must have been spitting nails. For tomorrow, the Pulse Man likes the new look Magic giving 3 to the Mavs in Orlando tomorrow.

Pick of the Day: Mavericks @ Magic (-3)- MAGIC

Record:(41-28-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Em-bear-assing

I promised myself at a young age that I would never quote U2, under any circumstances. I believe that U2, and more specifically Bono fans, are the collective nerds of the universe. They're the type of people who drive around with the top down in their Chrysler Sebring when the temp is in the mid 70's, blasting the Joshua Tree CD at an outrageous volume. When you are stopped next to these people at a traffic light, you wonder how in the world this guy is married as he belts out the lyrics to "Where the streets have no name" at the top of his lungs like he's the next Josh Groban. Seriously, U2 sucks, and so do their fans. But, the only conceivable way to describe the Bears/Pats game from Sunday afternoon is through the lyrics of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday". After all, that's exactly what yesterday was for the NFC North division leaders.

"I can't believe the news today,
Oh, I can't close my eyes
And make it go away
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long, how long..." -U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday"-

At least it's not like we didn't see it coming. Belichick and Brady own the snow. For most athletes, the previous phrase would have serious cocaine-abuse undertones, but when aligned on the same sideline, these guys just simply don't lose when the turf is blanketed with powder. A lot of Bears fans were ecstatic about the forecast, mindlessly proclaiming that this occurrence of "Bears weather" would slow down the Pats potent offense and propel the Bears to a huge statement win against the best team in the AFC. Well, I guess if you cannot move the ball, tackle the punt returner, or keep the opposition's first half lead under 30 points, the weather is not rightfully "yours".

As Bears fans who could barely feel their extremities filed into Soldier Field yesterday, they had no idea what they were about to witness. They endured one of the coldest days of the year in order to see their hometown team play a competitive football game. Instead, they were paying guests to a game that had me watching Titanic on the Oxygen channel midway through the 3rd quarter. Almost instantly, the Patriots made it clear that they didn't lose much momentum from last week's dismantling of the Jets, and once again hung an insurmountable first half deficit on their opponent. Sunday's game proved to us that the Bears will continue to struggle in the snow without a running game. And with another date in Chicago as well as a meeting in Green Bay with the Packers in early January left on the schedule, the Bears certainly have their work cut out for them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least we didn't lose to a Drew Stanton led Lions team. Now that's just pitiful.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man's pick remains in tact from Friday (unlike the Metrodome). He still likes Eli Manning and co. to beat the Vikings at Ford Field tonight by more than a field goal.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Patriot Games

In anticipating Sunday's game between the Bears and Patriots, we can expect to see two teams who have proven themselves amongst the NFL's elite in 2010. It should come as no surprise that the New England Patriots, led by their GQ QB, Tom Brady, and their head coach Bill Belichick, who will likely dress for Sunday as if he just got done tossing around dumbells in his suburban garage, are pacing the AFC as they have done for most of the past decade. For the Bears on the other hand, in a more fly-by-night scenario, they lead the NFC North at 9-3 and are using their stout defense and the recently stellar play of their quarterback, Jay Cutler, as the catalysts for their own success. So, as a date with a dynasty looms on the horizon for Sunday afternoon, the Bears prepare for what will be the ultimate measuring stick for their football team. Do they belong with the frontrunners for the NFC Championship? Or, will their right-place, right-time performance so far this season fail to answer the bell this weekend resulting in the Patriots smacking another opponent across the face on nationally syndicated television. Remember: last time Cutler used a measuring stick, it didn't turn out well (just kidding, of course).

With all records aside, this matchup is much more than a 10-2 vs. 9-3, AFC vs. NFC battle; it is the ultimate quarterback dichotomy. For those of you who don't understand what a dichotomy is (Pulse Man), I'll do this in what they call, 'Layman's terms', although I admit, that expression has always sucked. I mean seriously, who the hell is Layman? I feel like he'd be the kind of guy that would lead me to do absolutely nothing by 'his' terms. Anyway, here's the deal: every football fan in America wants Tom Brady to be their quarterback and respect him, and his shoulder-lengthed lettuce to the hilt. In Cutler's case, even his city's own fans, the die-hards who are supposed to blindly defend him like he's cast in the whirlwind of a Salem witch trial, deride him like he just moved in on a girl that we just bought a drink. I admit, I'm absolutely, 100% guilty of this myself. But why? Is it because Brady has two rings, had arguably the best deep threat in the history of the NFL, and a mastermind head coach on his side? And we berate Jay Cutler for having never had a winning season, using a collection of return specialists for wideouts, and a head coach named after a Build-a-Bear? In most cases, I think we'd be pulling for Cutler over Brady, recalling the classic underdog mentality that is so popular in American sports. Think about it: Butler vs. Duke, Diamondbacks vs. Yankees in the '01 Fall classic, the Boise St. vs. Oklahoma 'Statue of Liberty' game...America loves this garbage! Now think about how many really big Jay Cutler fans you know. How many Chicagoans do you overhear flagging a cab on Wacker (I've never seen anyone flag a cab on Wacker, so I wouldn't know) saying, "Man, I love Cutler. He's my guy. If he throws 4 picks again tomorrow, he's still our quarterback." Don't kid yourself, it's not the picks. Favre threw the same amount of picks and I know two guys with Favre tats (true story, they're inked with #4's on their arms).

Even in their personal lives, we have given Brady the benefit of the doubt. Brady dated the down to earth, Bridget Moynahan, extensively in 2004, then she had his kid, named it after him, and then Tom left her and instead married a Brazilian supermodel named Gisele, and around the same time coincidentally became the spokesman for Gillete. Hmmmm....And for Jay, he only went out and got the lead starlet from every man's guilty pleasure (The Hills, of course. If you show me a guy who claims to have never watched an ep of The Hills, I'll show you a liar) and turned her into a Bears fan. Still, we continue to demean Cutler's footwork like he doesn't know more about playing the quarterback position than we do, and simultaneously call his diagnosis with diabetes a result of him being a 'chub'.

Maybe it's how both men carry themselves. How Brady will get up in a teammate's personal space, cuss him out, and then headbutt him after he throws him a 56 yard laser for a Touchdown on the next play. How Cutler will whimsically fling a laser down the middle of the field without Johnny Knox within a country mile, have it picked, ran back for 6, and the camera pans back to him casually jogging off the field like it's a Thursday rep against the scout team. The fact of the matter is, Jay Cutler will never be Tom Brady, and to be honest, I don't think he wants to be. On Sunday, just do yourself a favor and analyze both haircuts, and the men behind them before you choose your allegiance. I admire Brady just as much as the next guy for his passion, leadership, and his supermodel wife. But If you still side with Brady (I'm leaning towards it even after writing this), thank his publicist, his stylist, and again, his supermodel wife. Just don't thank Cutler.

As for Pick of the Day, with his inaugural Saturday 6 Pack campaign behind him, the Pulse Man has set his sights on the end of the NFL season. For this weekend, the Pulse Man likes the Giants to come out on top by more than 3 in Minnesota this weekend. Whether Favre plays or not, the Vikings still suck.

Also, special shoutout to Neal "The Wheel" Therrien for adding to Chicago Sports Noise facebook following. I hope this gets you some ass Neal. If anyone else wants a shoutout, suggest some friends to the facebook page and consider it done.

Pick of the Day: Giants (-3) @ Vikings- GIANTS

Record:(38-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Top of the North

Considering the way every one's dog, Michael Vick, had played the past weeks in prime time, we were convinced that the Bears would be yet another casualty in Vick's attempt to Vapo Rub the entire NFC out of contention. Vick came into Sunday coming off of two weeks of dismantling fellow NFC East opponents on national television, amassing more fantasy points in the process than any player in the league--further establishing his reputation as every 35 year old's "Fantasy Dream" instead of dating Jen Aniston or receiving free child support. But the Bears held Vick relatively in check during Sunday's contest in Soldier Field, and Jay Cutler flat out outplayed the NFL MVP front runner in his 4 touchdown, 1 unsportsmanlike conduct penalty performance in front of a national audience. So, are the Bears legitimately the best team in the NFC North? Or, are they going to show up next week looking as pathetic as a middle-aged dad draped in an Abercrombie sweater and stonewashed jeans? Only time will tell.

When the Packers lost "in the Georgia dome, at the fifty yard line, when the dirty bids kicked the 'tree" (Ludacirs, What's Your Fantasy), the Bears took a one game lead in the NFC North as 'Matty Ice' cracked open yet another 'Natty Ice' in celebration of his 19th home win in 20 tries, again adding to his growing legend. At this point, all the Bears can do is hope to win the division so they don't have to travel to Atlanta in their first playoff game. With an impressive resume that includes being undefeated in their division, as well as statement wins over the Dolphins and Eagles, it's still a feasible possibility for the Monsters of the Midway.

Nevertheless, the Patriots, Jets and Packers still lie ahead on the season schedule before we can crown the Bears champions of the NFC North. But at 8-3, it's the Bears division to lose and as little as I trust the combination of a man named "Lovie" and a chubby, smug captain who received the first unsportsmanlike conduct penalty I have ever seen by a quarterback, they exuded some confidence in the Bears faithful yesterday. May the windy city be at your back.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is officially 10 games over .500 at (34-24) and is mauling over offers from betting blogs across the country. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes 49ers on the road in Arizona. Although he advises you not to watch the actual game, he is confident the Niners will cover the 1.5 point spread.

Pick of the Day: 49ers (-1.5) @ Cardinals- 49ERS

Record:(34-24-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Bowl of Chilly

Going into Sunday's decisive game at Soldier Field, you have to admit, you were nervous because you had no idea what Minnesota Vikings was going to show up that day. And, our new "punky QB" tends to be a little schizophrenic himself and the Bears well, aren't that good. But the Vikes play the "two-face" role better than Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight and left us guessing whether the aging, injured collection of Norse warriors (vikings, get it?) plagued by the constant futility surrounding their inept, moron of a head coach team would show up. Or, perhaps the uber talented, explosive purple people eaters motivated by their collective aversion for their moron of a head coach would show up and beat the Bears by 10 points behind a QB that mirrored Burt Reynolds' character in The Longest Yard. Turns out, the Vikings couldn't rally around the tactlessness that has come to define Brad Childress, who has now established himself to be only one small peg above the whale that is former Cowboys coach Wade Phillips.

In the end, the Bears are 6-3 and 3-0 in the division. And even if those three wins are due to loopholes in the NFL's rule book, Monday Night Miracles and Billy Heywood-like coaching maneuvers, we'll take em. Yesterday's game at Soldier Field marked the first time this season in which the Bears actually performed to the level of play that their record would indicate(with the exception of the Packers game on MNF, but I'm convinced that Monday night game was somehow touched by the hand of god because he was offended by Clay Matthews' haircut). On Sunday, Cutler was tame in the pocket, delicately performing his "fairy dance" backpedal to perfection, then whizzing the ball around the field to his undersized receiving core. (Unrelated: the Bears top 3 receiver's #'s are 13,23 and 19. Shouldn't that signal the notion that you need to trade/draft/sign a real receiver? Whatever) Devin Hester proved his worth once again as one of the most dangerous weapons in the National Football League, and for that we can only thank Brad Childress, who consistently elected to punt to Hester and let him permeate through his special teams defense like they were armless amputees.

Every time the Vikings slipped further away from getting a much needed W, the cause always trickled back to the bearded bonehead in the headset on the Vikings sideline. When Favre frantically scrambled around the pocket like his clothes were on fire, only to carelessly toss a pick into the Bears secondary, you knew Favre was making whimsical decisions in spite of Chilly, and thus Brad, not Brett, was the man to blame. When Fox panned their cameras over to the Vikings sideline to show Percy Harvin, B squared, and Sid Rice all leisurely relaxing with assorted injuries, Childress was the man to blame for cutting loose the best deep threat of the past 20 years two weeks prior. I'm sure Randy Moss' "take the ball deep, take the top off the defense" soundbite was echoing in the collective ears of Minnesota. After all, you can't expect for Favre to successfully sling lasers to guys whose last names are one consonant removal away from translating into the Spanish word for 'yellow' and the largest city in the Texas panhandle (Greg Camarillo). On a cold, windy, November Sunday in Chicago, the Bears wanted nothing more than a big bowl "Chilly" to keep them both warm, and atop the NFC's North division. Although brad Childress is still on the Vikings payroll, he may want to start applying to be Tony Kornheiser's replacement on PTI so the sports world never has to sit through a half-hour of Dan Lebatard, or Bob Ryan ever again.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man has reached the 30 win plateau relatively quickly and can only thank his lack of a girlfriend for that result. For tonight, the Pulse Man actually likes the T-Wolves covering the 9.5 points they are getting in Charlotte. Kevin Love did have 30 and 30 last week, hopefully ESPN does a 30for 30 about it.

Pick of the Day: Minnesota (+9.5) @ Charlotte- T-WOLVES (-105)

Record:(30-23-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Sick of # 6

I thought we had put the past away (and stepped back from that ledge my friend). Apparently not. On Sunday afternoon, Cutler showed flashes of the 26 INT season he endured a year ago. Carelessly launching the football around the field with seemingly no sense of instinct for where his receivers were on any given play, ultimately leading to the Bears second straight home loss to a mediocre team with a morbid color scheme (Redskins and Seahawks? Come on). The Bears/Skins game had more turnovers than a danish bakery and the city is on Jay Cutler again--relentlessly blaming his ineptitude on his diabetes, cursing his socialite girlfriend with hateful responses to her recent "Me and Jay just carved pumpkins" tweet (true story). Prior to Cutler's arrival in Chicago, we used to compare Cutler and Brett Favre for their tremendous arm strength and their uncanny ability to place the ball in a window the size of a women's locker room peephole. Now, the only similarity the two quarterbacks share is in their ability to lure attention-driven cosmopolitan starlets to their hotel suite using the powers behind the camera application on their Droid Incredible.

Had Cutler thrown 4 INT's trying to make something happen to push the Bears into "Field Gould" range and swallowed his pride in the postgame press-conference, it would have been a different animal, a whole new can of worms if you will (shout-out Matt DeMars). Instead, Cutler completed more passes to DeAngelo Hall (4) than his Tight End and starting Running Back combined (3). He had two turnovers in the Red Zone: a goal line plunge fumble that stripped the Bears of 6 points, and a back-footed lob interception that turned into 6 points for the Redskins. Even J'Marcus Webb can do that Math--"that's a 12 point swiiiiing, y'aaaaaalllllll". Still, the most puzzling incident that happened on Sunday could have been Cutler's postgame press-conference in which he boldly stated "If we played them again tomorrow, I'd go at him (DeAngelo Hall) every time if I could." Really Jay? You threw four picks to the guy in one half. You would've had 5 INT's if Laron Landry hadn't tried to catch one of your errant passes with his dome, coincidentally giving offensive tackle Chris Williams his first meaningful stat of the season, a reception.

The good news is, the Bears get a week off to watch the Packers take a 1/2 game lead in the division. The bad news, the Bears next 'performance' isn't even in the United States and after the way the Buffalo Bills played Sunday, it is conceivably a losable game. If the Bills can win anywhere, it's got to be the frigid, baron wasteland of Canada. Hopefully Cutler can block out all the cheese-eating surrender monkeys dressed in denim outfits in the stands with their neckties roped into Windsor knots, chugging Canadian Club Whiskey and bloviating about the Canadian healthcare system and their mutual adoration for all things Northern Pike. I'm seriously scared about this Buffalo game; Fitzpatrick was born for Canada.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man salvaged his Saturday 6 Pack with a win in his 'Big Ticket' pick. Still recovering from his weekend at EIU, which presumably erupted on Sunday afternoon after hearing the news that alumnus Mike Shanahan took down the Bears, the Pulse Man likes the Heat in the opening game of their 2010-2011 campaign against the Brian Scalbrine-less Boston Celtics at a 'pick em' value (-105).

Pick of the Day: Heat @ Celtics- HEAT (pick em) (-105)

Record:(25-20-0)

Now I'm done. Rack Me

Frost

First and the Worst

I swear I was getting ready to be done poking fun at Todd Collins and his arthritic back. I wasn't going to ridicule him for his loose-sleeved jersey from the Jeff Hostetler era that only Brett Favre can wear nowadays, and even then you have to be a grandfather who sends illicit PIX messages of his flaccid penis and stumbling, inelegant voicemails to team media personnel in order to make it look presentable. Collins admitted to having one of "the worst games of his career on Sunday afternoon" and he was probably right. Unless he previously registered a QB rating lower than the Cook County sales tax percentage and completed 2/3 as many passes to the wrong team as he did his own, I'd say that Todd's 'self analysis' was pretty on point.

But the bears prevailed based on the fact that they played a team in Carolina that couldn't beat the Jeff Garcia and Maurice Clarrett led Omaha Nighthawks of the UFL the way they played yesterday. Matt Forte chewed up the putrid Panthers D by gaining 188 yards of total offense, and tying the Panthers scoring output for the entire game with one run from scrimmage in the 1st quarter. Granted, the Panthers are a bad team, maybe the worst of teams, but that doesn't change the fact that the Bears are standing alone on top of the NFC North like a stag date at their senior prom. At 4-1 with another abject of a football team awaiting them next on their schedule (Seahawks), the Bears are where nobody they thought they would never be moving forward in the 2nd quarter of the NFL season. Not even a gypsy with a set of tarot cards could have predicted the Packers to be in the shape their in, looking like the Emergency Care Unit at the local infirmary, and the Vikings All-American Boy QB un-zippering the fly of his Wranglers to take cell phone pictures for a girl only 4 years older than his own daughter.

Whatever happens during the rest of the NFL season, nothing can outdo the overall misfortune that has occurred to our rivals and Green Bay, and there is no way that anything can outrival the bizarre circumstances that are occurring in the Twin Cities. From here on out, if the Bears take care of business in the next few weeks against Seattle and Buffalo (blaming Canada is not an excuse to losing to the Bills), it is feasible that they only need to win 3 more games the rest of the year to get them into the playoffs with 9 wins. With the NFC West collectively being as pathetic as pop-singer La Roux's haircut, and the NFC East boasting only a couple of legitimate threats (one of which starts a volatile running back who threw his helmet in the stands and a coach who turns into a human tomato when the temp drops below 50),the Bears can sneak in the backdoor of the playoffs earning one of the two Wild Card positions if they do come apart at the seams like a pair of old Keds in the season's second half. I guess we'll all just hope and play (or hope and pray), the rest of the season.

As for Pick of the Day, the 'Saturday 6 Pack' was again a relative success in the fact that we haven't been shutout completely from covering one of the bets in all of the weeks so far this season. For tonight, the Jets/Vikings game has more subplots than the movie The Social Network and should be an interesting game to watch. Favre has made a career out of overcoming adversity, first with the pain pills, and now with the sex addiction, he is getting more in common with Brett Michaels every day. Add a VH1 miniseries in which he courts a coup of trailer-park prostitutes around Kiln, Mississippi (best pic I've ever found online)bailing hay as he eliminates each girl when they cant run a skinny-post to perfection, they're pretty much the same guy. With that being said, the Pulse Man likes Favre and the Vikes to cover the (4.5) spread in New Jersey tonight.

Pick of the Day: Vikings (+4.5) @ Jets- VIKINGS (-105)

Record:(23-17-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Ran-sacked

If you had something better to do Sunday night around 8 o'clock, good for you. If you chose to view an abridged version of Happy Gilmore on ABC family instead of tuning into NBC for Sunday Night Football, wise choice. Even if you DVR'd a few eps of The Good Wife and spent Sunday evening getting your weekly Julianna Margulies fix, for once in your life, keeping tabs on the effects that menopausal crisis can have on middle aged women was far more exciting than anything that happened in the New Meadowlands Stadium on Sunday. Looking back, I'd rather have gone halfsies on a pack of menthols and watch the deleted scenes of Lonesome Jim with Casey Affleck. Everyone was sort of expecting some kind of fall from grace in the coming weeks but still, no one expected Cutler to feel more sacks than a public physician administering physicals in a strip-mall doctors office.

Needless to say, the Bears O-line Sunday night never really showed up. They embarrassingly allowed 10 sacks, countless hurries, and had the triumvirate of Cutler, Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie encounter more hits than funnyordie.com in a high school computer lab. After about 7 sacks, Cutler became easily frustrated and handed over the reigns to Todd Collins for the second half as the image of Kristin Cavallari fondling a bag of frozen peas over his concussed forehead became affixed in his mind. In the 2 hr. heap of inept offense and what appeared to be effectiveness on defense by default, I was curious as to who was to blame for the Bears inadequacies on the offensive side of the football. Was it the offensive line that looked quite possibly like the most easily movable 300 lb. objects in the world? Was it Cutler doing the 'stop, drop, and roll' every time he faced pressure in the pocket? Or was it Mike Martz, whose scheme against the Giants seemingly lacked any trace of a route Cutler could check down to? It had to be a mixture of the 3. Coming off a week in which the Bears had arguably their biggest win since the 2006 NFC Championship and had a lot to be proud of, they sludged through a historically dreadful output of 110 yards on national TV while looking completely unprepared in the process.

I understood to an extent that the Giants were looking to prove a point against the Bears after a disappointing 2 game losing streak that had NYC disgruntled and disheartened going into Sunday night. But, to think that at the end of the game we would have played all 3 quarterbacks on our roster, gained under 120 yards, averaged 1.4 yds. per pass, punted 9 times, went 0-13 on 3rd down and scored 3 total points was unfathomable until suffering through the hysterectomy that was Sunday Night Football.

On a brighter note, hopefully that blindside barrage of Todd Collins has spurred him toward retirement. What a garbage eater that guy is. There's a reason he's been a backup since the Cuban Missle Crisis. He is simply just awful. Always hanging around in the hotel lobby on team road trips reading The Bridges of Madison County in paperback, constantly sitting in the whirlpool to relieve his ailing back, and eternally preaching his investment strategy to Caleb Hanie when Caleb either A) only cares about the young female in the lower bowl with the low cut top and the loose curls, or B) is attentively transfixed on the trainers refilling the Gatorade cooler to see if they're funneling in his favorite flavor (presumably glacier freeze) into that giant orange jug. I refuse to give Todd Collins a chance. I pray to God Cutler's concussion symptoms subside before next week game against Carolina.

In looking forward to the Panthers matchup, if Cutler starts, we could have a faceoff between the two punkiest QB's since Ryan Leaf disappeared from the NFL. Seriously, Cutler and Clausen could be featured on a track on the next AFI CD. All I know is, the Panthers won't be a walk through win, and if the Bears drop a game in the Bible Belt next weekend and spoil Julius Peppers' homecoming, there could be a very pessimistic turn in the Bears season predictions.

As for Pick of the Day, with the ability to bet on meaningless baseball games gone, the Pulse Man has shifted into playoff baseball/football mode for the rest of the fall until the NBA picks up around Halloween. After a solid weekend in which he covered two of his 3 bets on Saturday including a 3-team parlay at (+438), The Pulse Man faces a pick-em spread in tonight's jargon laden Monday Night Football broadcast. He likes Tom Brady, his haircut, and the rest of the Pats to get a win on MNF.

Pick of the Day: Patriots @ Dolphins- Patriots (-105)

Record: (22-15-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

The Bears Are Back in Town

You gotta admit, nobody thought the Bears would be 3-0 and leading the NFC North after the season's first 3 weeks. To be honest, the first 3 games of the season can kind of be looked at as the fans of Chicago 'dating' the idea of their beloved Bears being a relevant team in the NFC. After week 1, the girl they first encountered on opening weekend looked pretty good. She had a cute outfit which made you wonder (Cutler, speed on the edges, Forte), but maybe it was only because she was simply surrounded by her DFG (dog faced gremlin, invented by one Tate Stunkel) roommate that was pushing 3 bills (the Lions) who kept giving you looks after you continuously attempted to box her out of conversations all night. Then, when you met up with the same girl the next weekend after a series of incoherent text messages, she started to grow on you a little bit as she put her 'weapons' to good use (do I really need to draw a correlation to how a female uses her weapons? think about it) and continued to impress you. Still, you were unsure of her overall endowment because you were 4 Hurricanes deep and feeling as if a 5th were to be a good idea. After two successful rendezvouses, you finally asked her to join you on a fancy, chic dinner (Monday Night Football) that would give you a definitive answer about her without the sounds of Muse blaring through the sardined bar speakers and muddling your supposedly lucid conversation. As it turns out, she didn't disappoint and left you feeling proud to be dating someone with such promise...it's still a long season. Let's see if she cheats on us with a loser computer technician next week (Eli Manning).

All meaningless metaphors aside, the Bears came to play Monday night and shocked the football world in joining the Chiefs and the Charlie Batch led Pittsburgh Steelers as the league's only unbeatens. The Bears consistently came up big in key situations. Even if it seemed to be a blindfolded Cutler throwing off of his back foot into double coverage, Greg Olsen and the rest of the Bears receivers continued to make him look like he knew what he was doing. Granted, Jay "Don't worry about my delivery, it's DiGiorno" Cutler was bailed out of two interceptions by a couple of the Packers franchise record-breaking 18 penalties. Monday night's game may not have been the most penalized football game I had ever seen, but it was certainly the game with the most individual flags thrown in the history of the NFL. Perhaps it was the blatant nature of the Packers offenses (literally going helmet first into Cutler's chin on 3rd and long, Tauscher holding on 2 consecutive plays, holding Earl Bennett like he was the high school prom date of the Packers' DB, etc.), but the Soldier Field turf looked like Koopa Troopa beach after Toad just ran threw it with a bundle of bananas in Mario Kart after each penalty.

On the offensive side of the ball, the Packers game plan was relatively easy to figure out. The Pack realized that although it is extremely interesting and presumably backwards when they hand the ball off to their white running back and a bunch of Wisconsinites gleefully respond by yelling "KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHN", they weren't going to do much on the ground Monday night. In fact, I felt as if Rodgers completed a check-down pass on virtually every play the Packers had from scrimmage. They probably did this to try and limit A-Rodg's time in the pocket so they wouldn't have to deal with Julius Peppers (who still made his presence felt by blocking a FG), but Rodgers honestly had more 7-10 yd. completions last night than Antonio Cromartie has kids (on second thought, we can't prove that). And, although it seemed as if the Packers were moving the ball with relative ease, they only put up 17 points. With that being said, the difference in the game was Devin Hester, who according to Jon Gruden has "4. don't know" speed (the broadcasters in this game were despicable and showed meaningless replays of the Bears RT and Clay Matthews who were irrelevant in the play on 4 straight downs). Last night, when he stood back there doing his sexual innuendo laden dances while waiting for the punt, shades of 2007 ran through every Bears fans head as they prayed he could pull something out, and simultaneously pull the Bears, and the home crowd back into the game...and he did. Hester was impressive and effective last night. However, neither of the aforementioned adjectives can be used to describe his haircut, which remains to be an utter atrocity. Needless to say, Packer punter Tim Masthay will have to post his resume on Monster.com and put his agriculture degree from Kentucky to work, because he sure as hell isn't going to be punting in Green Bay much longer after his series of shortcomings Monday night.

In any event, the Bears played to win last night and I respect Lovie Smith's mentality going in. Even though the 4th and 1 attempt from the goal line failed, his chutzpah (yes, that's a real word) when the game was on the line was refreshing to see. Thousands of trained professionals in the Chicagoland area were relieved with a win Monday night as they could now go to work on Tuesday and not have to listen to some six-toothed, janitorial staff, hillbilly parade around the workplace and brag about the Packers. Chalk another one up for the Land of Lincoln. Bear Down!

As for Pick of the Day, I apologize for the lack of Saturday 6-pack and Sunday Teaser from this past weekend. I was visiting friends in LaCrosse, Wisconsin and was consumed too much by flat keg beer that tasted like lukewarm chicken broth, Affliction t-shirts, and Ke$ha songs to formulate anything productive for the blog. However, tonight the Pulse Man likes Roy Oswalt and the Phils to beat the Nationals tonight on the moneyline at (-126). Anytime you can bet against the Nats on those odds, you take it.

Pick of the Day: Phillies @ Nationals- PHILLIES-moneyline (-126)

Record:(22-13-0)

Le-Fevour Pitch

As the entire football fan base of Chicago collectively holds their breath awaiting the matchup with Matt "Can you put bacon on that?" Stafford and the rest of the improving Detroit Lions on Sunday, the Bears are once again making some shady moves in the front office. During their final cuts, they put two Chicagoland heroes on blast as they made former NIU Heisman candidate Garrett Wolfe sweat out seeing a red tag in his locker like he was Rick Vaughn in Major League, and then cut former Benet Academy QB and the pride of Downers Grove,Dan LeFevour. Thankfully, Wolfe made the cut and survived. But Dan, on the other hand, had to ride the unemployment line for about 20 minutes until the Bengals realized how brainless Bears management is, and scooped him off waivers like an infant off the Eisenhower Expressway. Like most fans, I was palpably amp'd up when the Bears picked up LeFevour off the board in the 6th round of last years NFL Draft. Dan LeFevour was an absolute MAN in college for Central Michigan and put himself into legitimate Heisman contention while he was playing in the MAC conference, not necessarily a glowing spotlight. Listen to this guy's numbers from last year--150.26 QB rating, 28 TD's, 70% completion, 3500 yards, 7 picks. I don't care if you're playing football in an entirely Asian league, those are some serious stats. Not to mention he guided the Chippewas to the GMAC Bowl and won the game and the MVP award, and was the North Team MVP in the Senior Bowl. How did this dude ever slip to 181st overall in the Draft in the first place? Did he haphazardly run into Mel Kiper at a draft camp and knock a strand of hair out of place in his helmet-like, mousse masterpiece? Did he hit on Todd McShay's wife at a neighborhood Bennigans? This was an absolute steal for the Bears in round 6, and they CUT him?

Maybe I'm biased that LeFevour should have made the Bears roster instead of Todd Collins, whose name just happens to sound like a gin and sparkling lemonade cocktail (shout out Matt Demars). Why wouldn't I be? Todd Collins is 38 years old and was a freshman at Michigan doing gargoyles out of kegs when I was taking my first steps around my parents living room in 1990. If I had to guess, it makes most sense that Lovie Smith cut LeFevour because he didn't understand Reaganomics--hell, he wasn't even alive. LeFevour would have been the perfect backup guy for Cutler. He was someone who could motivate him to play at his best or else 'Frank from Lisle' would be calling into ESPN1000 demanding that LeFevour replace Cutler after the first half of week 1. Perhaps Cutler needed a hometown hero to jolt him into being a competitor. At this point, all we can wonder is what if? What if Cutler breaks his leg in week 3? Even worse, what if Ndamukong Suh decapitates #6 in week 1 and nothing is left of him besides his fleshy, plump body rolling around on the Soldier Field turf? Then, we must turn to a 38 year old dinosaur to run Mike Martz's offense...is Jon Kitna still a free agent?

A lot of people will wonder about Lovie's rationale in cutting LeFevour and when asked, coach will melodramatically whisper through a press conference that "Dan just didn't have what we were looking for this year and we had to do what was best for him." Then why did you draft him? He has a completely different skill set than Cutler. He's a tough, hard-nosed, competitor who was a proven winner in college--not some butterball, flop-cut loser who is more interested in making the Pro Bowl than the Super Bowl. I know LeFevour wasn't exactly Joe Montana in the preseason, but he wasn't that bad (15-32, 160 yds, 1 TD/1 INT). You need to give a 23 year old,rookie quarterback some time to grow. Let him learn the system. At least let him learn the playbook! Instead, the next time we're gonna see Dan LeFevour is wearing a Cincinatti uniform learning behind a true signal caller like Carson Palmer. That is, unless we see Dan as a guest on Ochocinco's:The Ultimate catch VH1 show, doing sit-ups in his driveway with T.O., or, completely inebriated trying to operate a boat with Cedric Benson.

As for pick of the day, The Pulse Man had a pretty admirable weekend for the first Saturday of the college football season. As a proud alumnus of Eastern Illinois, he watched his beloved Panthers and special teams mastermind Bob Spoo cover the spread at Kinnick Stadium in Iowa City, went 1/2 on his parlays (5 for 6 in overall game picks--Cincy just didn't show up for him) and won his "Big Ticket" pick of the day as BYU held on against Jake Locker and the Washington Huskies. For tonight, he likes Tim Lincecum (and his hair) to bounce back from a slumping month of August and take care of the D-backs on the road at (-130). Also, don't forget to like/follow/whatever the internet asks you to do Chicago Sports Noise facebook page.

Pick of the Day: Giants @ Diamondbacks- GIANTS- moneyline (-130)

Record:(16-11-0)