Date of the Union

Today, not neccessarily July 11th, but rather the day after the MLB All-Star game is unique to any other day on the 12 month calendar in the sports world. You can almost hear Jim Nantz in his Master's voice articulating, "...a tradition unlike any other" as the camera scrolls across Augusta National to the tune of a light, harmonic piano. It's exclusivity from the rest of the calendar originates because it marks the only day each year in which no professional sports are taking place. Across America, you'll see strange things--grown men watching two-hour, "The Guys Tell All" reunion specials of The Bachelorette, sushi restaurants filled to capacity, and the ticket line for Magic Mike winding out the corner of the theater.

With no professional sports on the horizon for 24 hours, it seemingly marks the perfect day to address the state of all of Chicago's beloved sports teams. In typical Chicago Sports Noise fashion, I have decided to do so in a less than normal, but hardly original way. Thus, we will take a look at all things Chicago through the lens of a male in a budding relationship with a female. Seeing how as I have little to no experience in this field and haven't been a part of a functional relationship in some time, these comparisons may be muddled, irrelevant, confusing, but should serve as nonetheless entertaining. In a roundabout sort of way, this is an implicit attempt to remove myself from any remnant of a female following that once existed. For all intensive purposes, let's refer to the male in the case of the following situations as "Chico".

Chicago Bulls- Chico finds himself with his longtime girlfriend on the physical intimacy shelf (I came up with that term myself) with mononucleosis. Their past has been spectacular; Chico's girlfriend, in this case, Rosaline, can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. She cleans up nice, but can still cut it in the sweats and also lets Chico have the freedom to roll with the fellas every now and then. There's no way Chico is leaving Rosaline, but what the hell is he going to do for the next few months while she's on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list? If he tries to bring her out too early her spleen is susceptible to a rupture, but if he tastes too much of the outside world, he just might lose The One. If Chico were a smart man, he might have to indulge himself in a few girls nights. Not reruns of 27 Dresses on CW, but rather things like casual dinner dates with her friends, afternoon matinees, walks, things like that. Nurture the relationship, Chico. Before you know it, she'll be back to full-operation.

Chicago Blackhawks- Chico finds himself in a tough spot here. He's not where he used to be with the females (first round playoff loss)--a bit of a cold streak if you will. Years back he was can't miss. Hitting on girls in bars, ATM vestibules, El Stops. The guy was a real-life Jerry Seinfeld. Now, he finds himself readily single, but with a risque option on the table. Chico's rival from across town in high school recently split up with his girlfriend (Goalie Roberto Luongo), and she is canoodling around town like she's in a bad episode of Bad Girls Club. Chico knows he could close this, but what expense will this leave him with? He knows the chick is expensive and doesn't know if his billfold can handle the late nights click-clacking through the ritz of River North in her high-fashion pumps (Luongo will need a big deal to sign with the Hawks). If he gets her, sure it'll be great for a night, a weekend, or perhaps a month, and it will eat at his rival like when Costner closes Rene Russo over Don Johnson at the close of Tin Cup, but is the juice worth the squeeze? Metaphorically, of course.

Chicago White Sox- Make or break territory, Chico. Tough sledding. Chico's on date #3 with Whitney, a girl who he out-kicked his coverage to land in the first place, but he admits he has been on point in rounds 1 and 2 (first half of the season). Free-flowing convo, picking up tabs, playful, flirty humor--he's been an all-star. But, that conversational wall is lurking on the horizon and nobody can ever tell how far it is ahead of Chico's line of sight. Sure, he's got confidence, but will it last? What will he do in heeding the unforgivable awkward silence? From personal experience, this is exactly where the fold occurs. Can Chico make it, or will Whitney's ex (the Tigers) and his starch-washed Oxford shirts from J. Crew prove to be too much to handle. Only time will tell, Chico. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Chicago Cubs- This is all a trust game, Chico (Cubs with Epstein). Let her go on that vacation to the Virgin Islands. She's either going to cheat on you (another slew of horrible contracts for the Cubs and he moves back to Boston), or your patience with her will become fruitful in the long run. You invested in her and now you're pot-committed. I know it's hard to hang out with all these losers currently (the Cubs' atrocious lineup). Just wait and see what the fruits of your labor look like in a few years.

Chicago Bears- You got a hot babe, Chico. But, the fact of the matter is, your best friend's is hotter (Green Bay Packers). You tried to go slumming a little bit and prove that you guys are bigger party animals (pick up convicts like Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey), but your best friend's girl (insert Rick Springfield joke here) has been bringing the heat for years now. Also, your girl needs to get in the gym and tighten up that body (sign Forte NOW), or you're going to get passed up like you're standing still. All you can do is hope their relationship hits some rough patches and gets stale while you two look for the nearest karaoke bar to cover "I Got You, Babe" like Sonny and Cher.

Illinois Basketball/Illinois Football- In both cases, Chico is embarking on blind dates (new coaches). Although the show on UPN Power 50 would suggest otherwise, these hardly work out. Plus, the way these potential dates were described to you by the matchmaker were less than ideal (two Simpleton coaches from mid-majors in Ohio). Maybe you can catch a flash in the pan and find the spark, but it's a rainy night and you have a book of matches with about 3 to spare. Good luck.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the favorite and was bit last by the NL staff that conglomerated for a shutout of a vicious AL All-Star lineup. Since there are no games today, he has the day off. He deserves it.

Now I'm done. Rack Me.

Frost

Jonny On the Spot

8 to 4. To me, it sounds like a work shift for some outside sales rep navigating his way through corporate America in a double-windsored neck tie that he bought at TJ Maxx. For Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews, 8 to 4 is the jump he has propelled the Hawks to in the Western Conference standings thanks to their current 6-game winning streak. Over the course of that streak, Jonathan has totaled 6 helpers and 6 goals, including the game-winners against Minnesota and the rival St. Louis Blues. Earlier in the year, the Hawks' play fluctuated more than the vocals on a Van Morrison track, but they seemed to have since reached homeostasis heading into the home stretch.

Ever since the Hawks topped the Penguins in that shootout at the UC last Sunday (A game in which I was offered a ticket to and regrettably declined), the former Stanley Cup champions haven't cooled off. At about the same time Kane was busy sipping on Calpurnia's lemonade while on sick-leave, Toews was compiling a campaign for the league's 'first star of the month' award in which he won for February. During those 28 days, the Hawks captain earned his "C" by leading the league with 21 points during a desperate stretch to maintain playoff position.

Toews has always been the consummate captain for the Hawks--boring interviews, stoic personality, tranquil presence--he's got all the personality traits that the job requires, and he maintains his popularity with the fans through his self-reliant accountability for his squad. Still, this year Captain Serious' presence on the ice has been more paramount than ever. For instance, in the Blackhawks 34 wins this season, Toews has tallied 18 goals and 22 assists (an even 40 for all of you non-Math majors) while he has only managed to register 5 goals and 16 assists in the Hawks 27 losses. Not to mention, his +/- differential diminishes by 40 (+30 to -10) when his squad comes out on the short end of the stick (no pun intended). Those stats are rather telling.

A month ago, nobody expected the Hawks to repeat as kings of the Western Conference; and even now, smart hockey people still don't. But if the youngest captain in the NHL continues to play well, a repeat seems to be a more fathomable possibility in Chicago. "All's well that ends well" -William Shakespeare-

As for Pick of the Day, as expected, the Wizards lost in their home building to the Warriors which gave the Pulse Man his second straight victory. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the UNDER in the Indiana/Wisco Big 10 tilt in Bloomington which is set at 126.5.

Pick of the Day: Wisconsin @ Indiana, total points 126.5-UNDER

Record:(60-43-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Candy Kane

Self-admittedly, I don't know much about hockey. Foreign people love it, it involves a puck, fighting and a lot of people with short-tempers. For all I know, it might as well be the Real World: San Francisco. That is why before I write a blog on the Blackhawks, I usually consult someone who is well-versed in "the coolest game on earth". In this case, it was my main man, Ryan "Little League" Lind, a former hard hitting captain of the LZHS hockey club, that was referenced as the know-all in all things stick and puck. So in talking to Little League, it was apparent that he was understandably frustrated with the underachieving Hawks squad in 2011. Amongst other things, he mentioned to me how undervalued their 3rd line 'energy guys' were from a year ago (Sopel, Eager, Burish), and how much they miss Niemi in between the pipes. But most of all, they miss the Patrick Kane of old.

Even after watching Kane net the game-winning shootout goal with a pretty, stick side deke move in which he stole from Charlie Conway, it only salvaged his terrible overtime period. Kane was all over the ice in the extra frame, and I don't mean that in a complimentary way. He was loose with the puck, almost careless at times, and turned the puck over more times than an undercooked turkey burger. I know he missed some time recently due to illness and had to get some reps to wear off the rust, but 88 looked off on Sunday.

I'm not going to sit here and chastise Kane for supposedly being out slammin' sangria and sexting slam pieces on the night when he was supposedly ill. I don't care about that at all. He's 22 and has enough money to buy a round of shots for every person who resides in Estonia (who coincidentally love hockey), he's going to do what he wants. He's a frat boy with deep pockets and two sisters that are absolute dimes. So take your shirt off, beat the piss out of an innocent cabbie over the cost of a chiclet, chug Busch Lights incessantly in front of children that idolize you--I don't give a rip--live the life you love, Kaner. I have to say though, it was a lot easier to put up with his off-the-ice antics and write them off as cute when he was producing points. Now that he's been force fed 'Chicago sports icon' status, people are now starting to see Kane as an overpaid ($31.5 contract), under-producing (43rd and 37th in the league in goals and assists respectively) punk.

In his defense, nobody is having a good year. Duncan Keith has been almost as bad as his haircut and Hossa has missed a lot of ice time. Is Kane entitled to a, dare I say it, "hangover" season? He consistently came up huge for the Hawks a year ago and helped deliver their first Cup since JFK established the Peace Corps in '61. I suppose so. But what PK needs to do is help us help him. Stop pulling Ferris Bueller sick days and turning in a thermometer to Coach Q that you just nuked under your hotel lamp. Keep your sweater on and show up on the daily...show some accountability. If you do that, then we'll put up with your Tara Reid headlines that you produce on the weekends. At least you're producing something.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man was burned by Harvard Friday night and looks to President's Day as the stage to get back on track. For the Head of State holiday and in honor of Ryan "Little League" Lind, the Pulse Man likes Little League's alma mater, the Western Michigan Broncos to take care of business at home against Kent St. It's a pick 'em affair in Kalamazoo.

Pick of the Day: Kent St. @ Western Michigan (pick 'em)- WESTERN MICHIGAN

Record:(56-40-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Sharper Image

First of all, let me just say that whoever is in charge of making the final decision on the formatting of the NHL All-Star game should be working at Cash for Gold come Monday. I mean, for the love of the sport, find something that works and stick to it. In past years, we've had North America vs. The World, and Eastern Conference vs. Western Conference, establishing some firm allegiances for the players to represent. But this year, they chose to throw the sticks on the ice and have captains choose. Really? What is this? A pre-teen game of capture the flag? And furthermore, could they possibly decide upon two less controversial captains than Nicklas Lidstrom and Eric Staal. If they wanted to capture the nostalgia of Mystery, Alaska, you can't name two frontmen without any personality. Granted, Lidstrom and Staal are two of the best defenseman in the business, that's not even debatable, but they're not going to stir their teams into a frenzy in a meaningless exhibition game. Now, Crosby and Ovechkin, they could do that. But the NHL would never succumb to that wish because that would just be quenching too much of the viewer's thirst, and after all, they're still a major professional sports enterprise.

So with the meaningless teams decided and the goals piling up like Charlie Sheen rehab stints, the NHL's All-Stars casually skated around for a couple of hours and exchanged pleasantries with division and conference rivals. I get it. Hockey is a demanding sport and the NHL is a demanding season, let alone the playoffs. But this game was like watching Billy Elliot on Ice at the Allstate. The only highlight of the game was when Ovechkin blatantly threw his stick at Matt Duchene in an attempt to...I don't know, trip him? Make a joke? Ovechkin! (watch the ending)

Still, with all the crisp passing and playful skating that this game displayed, Patrick Sharp managed to make out with the game's MVP trophy. Honestly, I thought him and Mark Ruffalo switched places and Sharpie went to the SAG awards in some whimsical scheme they stole from an Olsen twins movie. What would you rather have, the NHL All-Star MVP trophy or the SAG award for playing the Best Supporting Actor in The Kids are All Right? Toss up. Either way, the guy who was wearing Patrick Sharp's jersey put the puck in the back of the net on one occasion and also contributed two helpers for "Team Staal". Perhaps this added hardware on Sharp's mantle can spark a spurt for the Blackhawks to become more consistent in the 2nd half. Now that they are finally close to full strength, the Hawks have a viable chance to climb the Eastern Conference ladder to avoid a grueling 7-game series in the playoffs' opening round. I guess we can consider All-Star weekend the highlight of the Blackhawks season so far--a popularity contest in which the homecoming king skated away with the highest award and a new car to get laid in...like he needed it.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man is now amongst the elite company to win 50 bets in his first 1/2 year of professional betting. For tonight, the Pulse man likes the Jazz giving 3 at home to the Bobcats.

Pick of the Day: Bobcats @ Jazz (-3)- JAZZ

Record:(50-35-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

These Hills Have Eyes

As bizarre and outlandish as this metaphor might seem at first, the 2011 Chicago Blackhawks are Heidi Montag (or Heidi Pratt if you want to get technical). Before you all go running to the hills (no pun intended), hear me out for a second. At one time, Heidi was a fresh-faced, sincere starlet with delicate features and a cup size that wasn't halfway through the English alphabet (I know she had aspirations to become an H, don't ask me how I know that). She was the 'girl next door' type of teenager who wowed viewers with her natural beauty and her laughable IQ score that presumably peaked somewhere in the mid 70's. Now, she's neck deep in regret and saddled with the scars of two years worth of dumbfounding decisions. As for the Blackhawks, they were on top of the world (Stanley Cup/Season 2 of The Hills), then ditched the talent around them that they previously thought was disposable (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Niemi/Lauren, Lo, Audrina) and are now a couple of injuries away from breaking down completely (Heidi's surgery scars + divorce from Spencer = the end of Speidi/Toews and Kane both injury plagued= the end of the 2011 Blackhawks).

Last year, although the Hawks didn't always look like the future Stanley Cup champs throughout the season, you knew they had the talent to be able to pack-rat their pieces in time for a magical playoff run. This year, it just doesn't seem as if that's the case. The Hawks are vulnerable--in net, behind the blue line and even on the offensive side of the ice. A year ago, the Hawks were phenomenal at putting teams away early and holding their foot over their opponent's trachea for the rest of the game as they skated to 2 and 3 goal wins. Now, even when the Blackhawks muster a strong first period resulting in an early advantage, they surrender to their opponent easier than Cameron did to Ferris Bueller.

With that being said, it was nice to get a win over the rival Detroit Red Wings on Saturday. Taking a game away from Detroit considering what else that city deals with as far as sports is downright cruel. Honestly, that's like stealing lunch money from a kid when you know his parents just got divorced and his sister is turning tricks to keep the family home from foreclosing. But, even blind squirrels find nuts, and although I've never been a huge proponent of those lame expressions that your old man always says, it holds true in this case.

As for Pick of the Day, after being crucified by Jimmer the first time around, The Pulse Man looks to the Mormon Prince to slay the undefeated dragon that is San Diego State Wednesday night. In Jimmer we trust.

Special thanks to the "Wizard of Wheaton" for her contributions to this blog. She is the first woman to ever be a contributor for Chicago Sports Noise, so she's technically Martha Washington, Jackie Robinson and Anne Frank all rolled into one. Congrats.

Pick of the Day: SDSU @ BYU (-5)

Record:(48-35-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

1st Intermission

I went to a Milwaukee Brewers game followed by a Guster concert once when I was about 17. I wasn't really all that into the band, or the hippie-lettuce wielding, unshowered fan base that shared the venue with me that night, but a few good things came as a result of this experience. First and foremost, I got to cruelly castigate Ken Griffey Jr. by telling him he was bad at baseball (not true), and that his video games sucked (even further from the truth). Either way, he hit his first home run of the season that afternoon, proceeded to stare me down, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I had an actual effect on a pro sporting event. Then at the concert, as we permeated through clouds of 'gonja' smoke and walked past people attempting to eat their own dreadlocked hair, we realized that a band named "The Zamboni's" would be opening for Guster. At first, we thought The Zamboni's would be a fairly normal-looking, below average sounding opening band for Guster, a cult band with a modest following. Instead, they ended up being a group of guys from Hartford, still disgruntled about losing the Whalers to North Carolina (where nobody gives a damn about hockey), dressed in hockey sweaters and CCM helmets, singing only about the one sport that they truly love. They sang powerful ballads like, "I Wanna Drive the Zamboni of Devotion", "The Hockey Monkey" and "The Linesman's Daughter". Needless to say, the venue wasn't thrilled about the 45 miunte set that ensued at 'The Rave' that night, but I still think of these crazy kooks every time a hockey game reaches an intermission. And, with 1/3 of the Blackhawks' season in the books, what a better introduction into recapping the first period of the Blackhawks season.

After such a successful season a year ago, the Hawks started out the year about as comfortable at home as Neve Campbell in Scream. Because of this, Coach Q and the Blackhawks are talking less about defending the Stanley Cup right now and more about securing a playoff spot in the neck-deep Western Conference. In fact, the top 12 teams in the West are all huddled around the 8 spot like it's the bottom bar at Beaumonts during last call on a Friday night. We knew it wouldn't be easy for Toews and Co. this year with the target on their back every night, but the early season injury to Marian Hossa and the lingering health issues plaguing Patrick Kane certainly haven't made the beginning of the 2010-2011 season one for the books, unless of course those books are the team's early season medical charts.

The Blackhawks also had some chemistry issues at the beginning of the season this year and caused Quennville to re-shuffle his deck on a variety of occasions. Whether simply to play mind games with his players, or to actually increase productivity, the Blackhawks played like an unbalanced chemical equation during during certain games this winter because of the constant shifting. But, judging from my grade in Chemistry Sophomore year of high school, I have no idea what an unbalanced equation looks like, and I have a hard time deciphering good puck from a female gym class' floor hockey scrimmage, so who knows. Still, it doesn't take Barry Melrose to figure out that the Hawks games have been much closer this season. They're winning games by one goal margins instead of slamming the door hard on the opposition like they're an upset woman in a romantic comedy break-up scene. Something they became masterful at a year ago.

But, like Andy Dufresne says, and I have referenced before, "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." And, truth be told, the Hawks have been picking it up as of late. They found a guy with a Wolf "The Dentist" Stanson-like approach in John Scott and Corey Crawford has stepped in nicely and has rattled off a modest collection of wins between the pipes. Party Marty has been a disappointment thus far, giving up 6 goals again last night in a loss to the Avs. But, he's a veteran and has the capability to play himself out of a career-ending crisis. The chemistry will come for the Hawks, but with all the changes they made, it was inevitable that they would take some time to gel as a team. Give them a 5 game road trip, a cooler of Labbatt Blue, and a Canadian Stripper off of Craig's List and we'll be talking about how the team is once again on the same page. Until then, keep on hanging on.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man does it again. Ford Field was kind to the visiting New York Giants as they beat the Favre-less Vikings handily in the Motor City last night. Favre missed a start for the first time since 1992. That's a long time ago. Since then he endured 3 franchises, a retirement, a painkiller scandal, a sexting scandal, and several decapitation attempts--well done, Brett. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the Warriors giving 3 points at home against the T-Wolves. Have you ever seen a basketball game in Oakland? Me neither. But I'm sure it's entertaining.

Pick of the Day: T-Wolves @ Warriors (-3)- WARRIORS

Record: (39-25-0)

Now I'm done. Rack Me

Frost

Home is Where the Hard Is

The supposed "Madhouse on Madison" hasn't proved to be very maddening to the opponents of both the Bulls and Blackhawks so far this season. As both teams sit below the .500 mark in the building they call home at 1901 W. Madison St., Chicagoans who bear themselves in red and black for home contests in the UC are becoming increasingly confused as to why the home team ends up exiting stage left looking black and blue. After losing only 12 regular season home games in Chicago during last year's Stanley Cup winning season a year ago, the Hawks have already dropped 5 on their native ice during the season's opening stretch. And when the ice is lifted, the Bulls are under-performing in their regular residence as well, dropping 2 of their first 3. Something's got to give here. It's not like the Hawks and Bulls are dropping tough losses to high-end franchises either. The Blackhawks recently dropped a contest to the New Jersey Devils, who came into the game last in the NHL in points, and collective team self-esteem. And the Bulls, they just got 120 points dropped on them by a strikingly below-average New York Knicks team like they were a stationary windshield under a bird-bunched electrical line. For both squads, the problem starts and ends on the defensive end.

For the Blackhawks, it looks as if Duncan Keith is suffering under the fate of the EA Sports Video Game cover curse that has caused athletes like Shaun Alexander and Eddie George to figure out where the sidewalk ends in their process of falling off the face of the Earth completely. Keith is -4 for the year thus far after posting +21 and +33 clips the past two years as the anchor of the Blackhawks D. But the one with the A on his sweater isn't the only one to blame, even my boy Nik Hjalmarsson sits at -9 for the year. If I've learned anything in life, it's "don't tug on Superman's cape, don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger, and you don't mess around with matching ridiculous offer sheets on Sweed Defenseman." And so far, Hjalms is proving that theory to be correct. Now it would be easy for the Hawks to chalk up Turco and his lack of continuity with the defenseman as the problem here and sulk in the locker room after each loss listening to the island-like rhythm of Jack Johnson's, "Where'd All the Good People Go?" Or, they can lace up the skates and buckle down on D against the Thrashers and Oilers this weekend.

As for the Bulls, when Tom Thibodeau came into the city preaching defensive intensity like he was Gene Keady with a decent haircut, I was ecstatic. I thought the Bulls would be winning games with scores in the mid-90's and I could ride the "bet the under" train all the way to a 401K. But in their home opener, the Bulls let the Detroit Pistons put up 39 points in the second quarter; thank god they only scored 9 in the 4th to secure a 10-point Bulls win. All that stats represent is that the Pistons are BAD and they are more serious about fostering some nonsensical story about Chuck Villanueva getting verbally abused on Twitter regarding his allopecia than they are about getting W's--these are some sad days in the Motor City. Then, the Knicks came to town at (1-2) and lit up the scoreboard for 70 first half points en route to a 120-112 victory at the UC. Isn't Joakim supposed to be one of the better defensive big men in the league? Didn't we sign Ronnie Brewer and Keith Bogans for defensive purposes? And you're going to tell me Lou Deng and D.Rose aren't athletic enough to keep their guys in check? That sales pitch could be on the clearance rack at a TJ MAXX outlet and I'm still not buying it.

So, through all this jargon one thing remains constant, the Bulls and the Hawks need to get back to the fundamentals of defending their own goal before they can achieve anything notable this season. The good thing is that it's early and Coach Q and Thibs aren't going to let their squads slack, but if these problems persist it's going to be nothing but early exits for both teams come April.

As for Pick of the Day, the Durantula came through for the Pulse Man last night as Thunder rolled (shout out Garth Brooks) to an overtime victory in the Rose Garden. The weekend is here again and the Pulse Man has put together another Saturday 6 pack for the good people of the world to sip on. The picks are listed below.

Saturday 6 Pack

2 Team Parlay
1. Illinois (+3) @ Michigan- ILLINOIS
2. Baylor @ Oklahoma St.-OK.ST, moneyline
Total: (+156)

3 Team Parlay
1. Arizona (+10) @ Stanford- ZONA
2. Missouri @ Texas Tech- MIZZOU, moneyline
3. Arkansas (+4.5) @ South Carolina- ARKANSAS
Total: (+482)

'Big Ticket" Pick of the Day
California (-14) @ Washington State- CAL

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

White-hot, Black-hawks

Yesterday I asked my Dad who was leisurely laying on his recliner "hey, can you check the Blackhawks game?" Five years ago, he would have glared over at me and made a snide remark about me deciding not to go to the Y that day. Instead, he added to me that the Blackhawks have won two in a row and eagerly flipped the channel to the Hawks vs. Blues game--a sporting event far more entertaining than the abortion of a football game that was Jags vs. Titans. On a side note, ESPN should feel extreme remorse for making the American public watch Kerry Collins and Trent Edwards sling the football around for two hours, my god. But anyway, it occured to me last night that this Blackhawk bandwagon craze has scooped up about everyone in the Chicagoland area: my Dad who can't tell the difference between a power-play and a power-drill, and myself included. I used to be the kid who flipped between SportsCenter and Saved By the Bell during mornings before school, only watching my boy Zach Morris and the rest of the SBtB crew rule the halls of Bayside High during the prolonged sessions of hockey highlights during ESPN's flagship program. Now, I find myself tuning in to watch the Hawks regularly, and I routinely question the differences in motive between the 12 year old version of myself, and the mature, specimen of a human being that I have become at the age of 22.

After Perron notched his second goal for the Blues in the 3rd period and the Blackhawks found themselves trailing by a deuce in the middle of the 3rd last night, I thought of asking my dad to join me in an impromptu family living room version of the popular student section chant, "This game's ovahh, clap-clap, clap-clap-clap." But, being the rational human being that I am, I decided against it. And boy, did the Hawks prove me wrong. Marian Hossa singlehandedly dominated the 3rd period and tied the game himself with two goals within two minutes late in the last period. Now if the Cubs were trailing a few runs with 3 innnings to go? Yea, I'd probably still watch the game, but I'd have the same optomism for a win that Scott Peterson has for paroll. Perhaps that's why Chicago has so quickly fell in love with the Hawks like a couple of college undergrads after a half-assed introduction and a handful of $2.00 U-Call-Its. Maybe it's the resilience of the Hawks that keeps you tuning into a game where the main object of the sport (the puck) is 1/1,000,000,000 of the TV screen. Or maybe we are all just hopelessly awaiting for Comcast Sports Net to get us a camera shot of Kane's sisters in the audience...maybe that's just me.

But the attitude that the Hawks wear on the sleeves of their sweaters is something that is refreshing to see. They have guys who come to the rink to compete every night, regardless of score, regardless of pain, regardless of anything. Take for example, Patrick Kane. If Kane didn't bring the effort he routinely does every night, we'd all be reading Mike Imrem editorials in the Herald entitled "Under the Influence, Over-Paid" or "Candy Gamed Kane". But we let him parade around the streets of Buffalo beating helpless cabbies like Jan Radecki senseless over a few loose nickels and dimes because when that horn sounds in the UC--he's all hockey, all the time, and that is what the Blackhawks have come to represent. Hardworking guys who have bad memories and short fuses, who would trade in their athletic cups for another shot at 'the cup'. I'm going to keep tuning into Hawks games until something changes. And I don't see that happening anytime soon under Q and his mustache.

As for Pick of the Day, considering David Garrard was benched in the 2nd quarter and the Jags didn't have a passing touchdown in the first half, it's safe to say that the Pulse Man covered the under on the 1.5 TD's bet from Garrard. Tomorrow, he likes the Phillies over the Giants tomorrow night at (+105).

Pick of the Day: Phillies @ Giants- PHILLIES (+105)

Record:(25-19-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Board to Death

First and foremost, if you haven't seen the hit that Niklas Hjalmarsson laid on the Sabres' Jason Pomminville last night, take a look at the video real quick before you continue.

Now, media outlets everywhere have been coming down hard on Niklas Hjalmarsson's house-cleaning hit in the Hawks game from Monday night. People have referred to the hit as malicious, unnecessary, and vengeful. But, it seems as if nobody has taken into account the situation in which the incident occurred, or the player who was involved before these people started 'jumping to conclusions' like Tom Smykowski in Office Space. Hjalmarsson, or 'HJ' as I affectionately refer to him as, is typically an even-keeled, Sweed defenseman who gets his job done on the ice and doesn't provide many notable soundbites afterward (perhaps we just don't understand them because they're in Sweedish). Still, in a pivotal moment in the hockey game Monday night, with his Stanley Cup defending Blackhawks down a goal in the first period, HJ brought the wood to a defenseless defender (kinda ironic isn't it) who he anticipated would have the puck, and proceeded to knock him unconscious. After the hit, the Sabres and Hawks instantly began exchanging four letter words and four knuckle shuffles around the right circle and HJ was later given an exit ticket from HSBC Arena from the game's officials.

Now, was the play deserving of a penalty? Absolutely. Should he have been ejected? Possibly. But if Pomminville had rose to his feet and skated off the ice in his own power, would HJ be taking translated phone calls from the NHL commissioners office this morning and be a subject of constant criticism by every wannabe hockey safety advocate in the greater Buffalo area? Not a chance. What people need to realize is that HJ didn't go head hunting for Pomminville. He doesn't have an ongoing quarrel with Jason about his wife's whereabouts from a few Friday's back, and he didn't just level him because his last name sounds like an unincorporated village in upstate New York, he was just a victim of a violent hit in a violent game. Just like Chubbs Peterson's mom not signing the football permission slip because she thought it would be too dangerous, Pomminville shouldn't have laced up his sweater if he didn't know the dangers of professional hockey. Deciphering the difference between an aggressive hit and a malicious melee are about as difficult to tell apart as Ronde and Tiki Barber in pro hockey. Hockey players define their own sport--tough, gritty warriors. The kind of guys that get double digit stitches and are still probable for return, the kind of guys who still play despite their dental infrastructure looking like they were raised in the same Louisiana trailer park as those pro-insest maniacs who escaped from an Arizona prison in August.

Even after all of that, what disappointed me most may have been the yellow-bellied actions that recently caped Captain America, Ryan Miller took part in after the game. Instead of defending his player on the ice and throwing his weight around like our Captain Jonathan Toews did, Ryan Miller sat in his American flag boxers in the Sabres locker room and advocated suspending Hjalmarsson and openly questioned his motives to a bunch of sweaty journalists wearing short-sleeved floral button-downs holding CASIO 128MB Recording Devices to his mouth. I don't care how many lbs. of pads you have on Ryan, take off your mask and defend your boy like a hockey player if you want to say something. Not even an Olympic shutout can rescue you from that act pantywaist patsying.

As for Pick of the Day, that 4th quarter Brett Favre pick 6 led to the Jets covering the spread through the backdoor (no pun intended). Today, in the only game 5 of the divisional round of the MLB playoffs, Pulse Man likes the Rays to slay Cliff Lee, the Rangers former cocaine-addict manager, the Rangers former cocaine-addict Centerfielder, and the rest of George Bush's boys at (-115).

Pick of the Day: Rangers @ Rays. RAYS (-115)

Record: (23-18-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Ice, Ice, Baby

First of all, sorry for the title. I had no intention to get you thinking about Vanilla Ice's retched karaoke performance on 'The Surreal Life'. I'm promoting crew neck Miami Hurricanes sweatshirt "with my rag-top down so my hair can blow" Vanilla. In any event, it's pushing 80 degrees in Chicago right now, so it's clear that hockey season is now upon us. With the Blackhawks starting what hopes to be another successful season, we can expect to once again read more ill-advised facebook statuses from college aged females than ever before, i.e. "Hawks game, then girls night with ______, KD love:) I like it on the ice baby!!!!", and hear the song from that damn Amstel Light commercial ringing in our ears ad nauseum. However, you can't blame the Blackhawks for having their bandwagon grow as crowded as a Ford Winstar heading to Panama City Beach in mid-March, they won the cup, and won over hockey aficionados everywhere. The Blackhawks 2010 season proved that winning outweighs any clever marketing scheme concieved by a bunch of corporate dorks, and having a few players that relate to your whiskey-nose, young 20's, free-spirited mentality definitely doesn't inhibit jersey sales.

But the Hawks aren't the same team they were a year ago. Many things have changed--thank god the 'Ice Girls' aren't one of them. First things first, they have a diffrerent man in net. From what I know about hockey and the NHL, you're only as good as your last line of defense. I guess this theory holds true in most sports, but a certain amount of credence and trusteeship must be instilled in your homwetown hockey goalie. We effortlessly made the shift from Antti Niemi to Uncle Marty in a move that saved the Hawks some money in their efforts to stay below the salary cap. Hopefully, Uncle Marty turns into the kind of fun-loving fathers-brother who splashes your Diet Coke with a little Jack D at the family Christmas table and gifts you with gift cards to DICK's rather than a fly fishing kit and a sweater he got off clearance at Kohls. Turco never surrendered a losing season in Dallas for the Stars (still can't believe they left Minneapolis after that plug Gordon Bombay gave them in D1) and is definitely a formidable and capable replacement in goal for the Blackhawks.

As far as offense goes, the Blackhawks were the 3rd highest scoring team in the league last season. But after the Madison Ave. garage sale that occured earlier this summer, don't expect this year's team to be netting goals on command like Jaromir Jagr did in every single hockey video game that was ever issued to the public prior to 2005. The 3rd amigo in Chicago's infamous first line is now Fernando Pisdani as he will be accompanying Sharp and Kane and likely get some 'scoring' (pun absolutely intended) opportunities on that shift as a result. Spelling them will be the the rock solid line of Kopecky-Toews-Hossa which has become as uniform in Chicago as $3.50 slice deals at Rosatis, and hopefully just as satisfying.

On the other side of the blue line, Duncan Keith and his lack of respect for the small,calcified, whitish strcutures in his mouth was awarded the coveted coverboy for the NHL11 video game this fall and he will once again be the anchor of the Blackhawks defense. With the loss of Brett Sopel, the Hawks rid themselves of arguably the worst skater in the NHL, but also a guy that would take a puck in the adams apple for the Hawks. Still, there will be no shortage of sliding puck blocks (easily the best play in hockey) with Campbell, Seabrook and Niklas Hjalmarsson protecting Marty Turco.

Overall, there will unquestionably be some sort of hangover due to the gallons of Busch Light that were drank by Kane and Co. this summer and hopefully no illegitamate children are a result of the last 3 months. No team has repeated as holders of the cup since the division-rival Red Wings pulled it off in the late 90's, but god knows everyone in Chicago will be talking about how big of a Hawks fan they are, so I suppose I'll get out my Zamboni's CD and keep my eyes peeled for the Hockey Monkey.

As for Pick of the Day, The Pulse Man is struggling heading into the weekend. But when the baseball playoffs do you wrong, there's nothing like a good 6 pack to ease your mind of betting debt. The Pulse Man's Saturday 6 pack is listed below, with the Sunday Teaser soon following on S-A, T-U-R, D-A-Y, NIGHT!

Saturday 6 Pack

2 Team Parlay:
1. Alabama (-7) @ South Carolina- BAMA
2. Minnesota @ Wisconsin- Combined Total Points 58- UNDER

3 Team Parlay:
1. Michigan St. @ Michigan- MICHIGAN, moneyline
2. BYU (+4.5) @ San Diego St.- BYU
3. Aurburn @ Kentucky- AUBRUN, moneyline

'Big Ticket Pick of the Day':
USC @ Stanford-Combined Total Points, 59-OVER

Record: (23-17-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Cheli's finally Chillin'

At the age of 48, most once-upon-a-time professional athletes are either spending their time investing in some dead-end car agency like everyone's favorite Phillie Lenny Dykstra, or are unable to walk around the block due to a plethora of arthroscopic surgeries on their knees. I am glad to say that approaching his fifth decade of existence, Chris Chelios will be plagued by neither. Chelios decided today that sacrificing his dignity to skate around Allstate Arena on 15-day contracts with the Chicago Wolves trying to get Skates' autograph for his kids just wasn't worth it anymore. Hailing from Evergreen Park (shout out to A-Ball), Chelios grew up a Blackhawks fan and fulfilled his childhood dream when he laced up his CCM's for the Hawks from 1990-1999 (the golden years of Blackhawk hockey before the Kane/Toews era) before he jumped ship to skate for the rival Red Wings while winning 2 Stanley Cups in the process.

Say what you want negatively about Chelios--he played for Wisconsin in college, he's a traitor because he joined the Red Wings after playing a decade for the hawks, he owned an absolutely below average chili restaurant near the United Center while he played in Chicago. With the loss of Chelios, the NHL is now deprived of one of its greatest captains, most fearless competitors, and of course, the active leader in both games played and penalty minutes. Barring a late season IHL attempt of Cheli trying to take off his skate and stabbing people, he was the 'tough guy' NHL hockey player that Happy Gilmore aspired to be. He epitomized the mettle of a hockey player through an array of broken noses and lost teeth over the course of a 1,496 game career. People often times say that hockey players endure longer careers because of their abbreviated shifts on the ice, or the fact that skating is easier on the joints than most sports. I happen to believe that hockey players don't endure longer careers than most other athletes, they withstand their injuries, play through the pain and tough it out for their teammates, their franchise, and most of all, for the game. In most cases, hockey players are candidly put--tougher than everyone else, and Chris Chelios was one of the toughest in the game.

So as retirement is Chris Chelios' next endeavor and excessive amounts of golf and extended periods of time hogging the family room television will shortly ensue, Cheli can sit back and enjoy his 34'' LCD TV permanently tuned into NHLTV on his calfskin leather couch with a built in chili holder not far from the reach of his right hand. Perhaps with retirement, Cheli will be spending more time with his neighborhood cronies--the Malibu Mob. I'm guessing that these block parties usually consist of fart jokes with Ed O'Neill, mercilessly making fun of Tony Danza, and having enough Michelob Ultras to either hit on Justin Long's supermodel girlfriend, or sing 'Bawitdaba' karaoke with Kid Rock. Whatever he does, I hope he's carefree. Hell, he's earned it. Plus, the less time he spends training Red Wing defenseman-- the better.

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man once again has been putting together a modest 3 bet winning streak. He will also be featured on the ChicagoSportsNoise inaugural podcast Friday when we are trying to kill time on the long drive to Iowa City to watch his beloved Eastern Illinois Panthers and their idolized head coach Bob Spoo take on the hard-hitting Iowa Hawkeyes. For tomorrow, he likes the Red Sox and Reds to both win in a parlay for (+160). Pretty ballsy move for the Pulse.

Pick: parlay, Red Sox and Reds (+160)

Record:(14-11-0)

1st Manny being Manny moment: conducting a press conference in Spanish when he is clearly fluent in English and was born in Brooklyn. Purposely just a waste of Joey Cora's time, which was hysterical. 1-0 Manny.

Breaking Up With The Blackhawks

As the Madison Ave. garage sale continues and players that Chicago was just getting used to are being shipped out like bad salmon (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Hjalmarsson, Sopel) we are forced to "break up" with the 2010 Blackhawks that captured the Stanley Cup, as well as the hearts of many Chicagoans who were simply just tired of watching awful baseball, so naturally, they became hockey fans.

It is not every day that you feel the need to compare hockey players with women, but in this case I find it quite fitting. We knew that we would never be able to keep all these players (girls) because we simply do not have the money (uh....money). So, therefore we shipped them for parts all over the NHL. However, each player remains a part of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs and also a part of the memories that they gave us for a couple of months when Blackhawks games became an excuse to go out and drink, and for girls to make shitty facebook statuses like they actually cared. So, in this article I will go over the legacy of each player that was sent packing and make comparisons to the type of woman they might be, this could get pretty weird.

Dustin Byfuglien- Lets face it, Byfuglien is an anomaly. He's a black hockey player. And, like a 7 foot gymnast would do as well, he draws interest. He's supposedly American, but has one of the most bizarre last names in the league. Kids love him, and why not, he's big and he's black (like every other pro athlete) and they're too young to crave anything different every once in a while, so he immediately becomes their favorite player. To me, he lends himself to Angelina Jolie, she's a dime with great features, yet she's a lunatic (much like Byfuglien). She is intimidating (much like Byfuglien) and you simply just don't fuck with her....girls don't fuck with Jolie (see Jennifer Anniston) It should also be noted that Byfuglien was the trendiest player to like on the Blackhawks during their playoff run without question. I had a friend who bought an authentic jersey and a "Big Buff" shirt (horrificly gay) only to see him get traded in the next month. It absolutely was karma for buying a "Big Buff" shirt that was designed for 3rd graders, preferably that wear glasses and write GO HAWKS on their 5 star binder. When you ask guys who the hottest girl in the world is, a lot of them say Jolie. I simply believe this isn't true, they just say it because everyone thinks she's near the top and they won't catch any flack for saying Jolie. So the bottom line is, she's hot no doubt, but in the end, expendable, and her popularity will fade as she keeps adopting more foreign children (average seasons) and stays out of the limelight (being traded to the Atlanta Thrashers)

Kris Versteeg- I gotta admit, I liked Versteeg. He did some things that simply made you ask "What the F*&@" at times, but in the end you know he was playing his heart out. I lend Versteegs game to a young Britney Spears (I'm thinking like "I'm A Slave for You" Britney). I know what you're thinking...(thats Britney's best video! I know, I know). After all, this was Versteegs best season, but, next thing ya know he could go nuts, shave his head, and marry Kevin Federline and actually think "Popozao" is a decent song. Like I said, I liked Versteeg, hell, I still do. I just don't see him doing much better or being any more notable than he was with the Blackhawks this season. And, much like Britney, you'll be more interested in her little sister (NHL Prospect X) in a year or two.

Niklas Hjalmarsson- What is there to to say about Hjalms? Dude is foreign. Dude brought it every night. He reminds of a girl that's straight off the plane Eastern Block European, but understands how her man needs to be treated in America. She cooks dinner and it's waiting in the oven when you get home every night, but, when you do eat out and spill Chiptole on your dress shirt, it's dry cleaned and in your closet the next day. She knows how to take care of business, and even though you never could pronounce her foreign name well, you feel sick when she goes and sleeps with another guy (Sharks) and you have nothing to eat (No Defense). I'm thinking...Kornikova? I don't know, I'm not really into foreign chicks.

Brent Sopel- Ah, last but definitely not least, Brent Sopel. I would definitely classify Sopel as the stereotypical clingy chick that would absolutely do ANYTHING for you and you don't realize what you have until she leaves (I have never actually experienced something like this, so I really wouldn't know). She would put up with you cheating on her with better defenseman, constantly berating her because she can't dance (Sopel can barely skate) and still every time you turn around she's laying down in front of pucks for you. Sopel was completely under-appreciated on the hawks and I think he will be missed along with Hjalmarsson. Sopel lends himself to any girl who you probably dated in high school that you could still make out with given a good effort (I don't have any, Sopel's pretty rare, I'm telling you)

This last one I did just for fun it was too easy...

Patrick Kane- Tara Reid, easily. Hot, crazy, nuts. All in the same player. Acts like she's still in college and is constantly doing something that sheds negative light on themselves, but are supremely talented. Can take down a beer bong, hook up with two guys in one night, and then wake up and get shitfaced the next day and give an incoherent speech in front of 3 million people. She's the only person who can have a DUI and a centerfold in playboy within the same career. I love you Tara. Hopefully we never have to break up with you Kane.