Rules for Fools: A Tutorial for Buying Sports Gear

Much like listening to Tears for Fears in social settings did in the mid 1980's, this "Rules for Fools" guide will help you to not get pointed and laughed at during sporting events or any social sports scene in general. Every time you go see a sports game, you see "those guys" that you're glad aren't you, your friend, your dad, or anyone's dad that you know. Still, you sometimes see adolescents or young adults sporting questionable (at best) team affiliated gear. Here are 3 simple rules to ensure yourself that you will be clad in something that will not entirely busticate your reputation, or for that matter, your self respect.

Rule #1: Never buy a player's jersey who is younger than you. You might think: What jersey am I going to buy when I'm an adult? If you seriously asked yourself that question in your mind, picture this:You're 45 years old, happily married, you have one young child. You're a lifelong Cubs/Sox fan and you make a Saturday trip to the Woodfield mall with young child X to buy sports gear to support your team. You're child's favorite flayer is young, fresh-faced shortstop Y (ex: Castro, Beckham, Jeter, Nomar back in the day, etc.)so you buy both you and your son jerseys and walk out of the store without thinking twice. However, next time you take your son to a ballgame, you're sitting in section 418 with a bunch of high-school neurotics and you look like the ho hum dad from Yes, Dear (note: the antithesis to Mike O'Malley--former Global Guts megastar). Not a good situation, I would advise against it. If you must buy a jersey when you are past the age of 35 (the age most athletes retire), I would endorse a throwback uniform purchase. Granted, they are more expensive. But, they go great with salt-n-pepper hairstyles and metal knees, and fit nicely in your closet next to your eclectic collection of IZOD polos and pleated dress slacks. Also, it is kosher to buy a jersey with no name on the back. (ex. Blackhawks, Cubs/Sox jersey) To me, that's respectable. We're not gonna make fun of you. But, the day you show up at the ballpark with the notion "hey, I'm 45, why don't I make a personalized jersey for myself?" is the day your kid calls DCFS and puts himself up for adoption. Editors note: some people say buying the jersey of the manager is off-limits, I say go for it. If I say some geez making his rounds around the streets of the North Side in an Alan Trammel or Matt Sinatro (first base coach) jersey, I would instantly commend that guy for his disingenuity towards the rest of the Cubs roster. Acceptable jerseys for older gentleman might include: Omar Vizquel or Kurt Thomas (depending on how old you are), Ron Santo, Carlton Fisk, Ozzie (player or manager), assorted throwback.

Rule #2: Take off that silly-ass hat. You must understand the importance of this rule probably more so than any other. You must never, under any circumstances, wear a Velcro, camouflage, or off colored team hat. Doing this will instantly put your allegiance to your team into question and you will never be respected in a stadium or at a fantasy football league home draft ever again. Like I said earlier, wearing a Velcro hat has extreme consequences. In wearing a hat clad with the material designed for senior citizen footwear, you leave yourself susceptible to a few very obvious questions. A) Why would you ever voluntarily buy such an atrocity? Were there no buckle or fitted hats in the Hudson News airport store in which you purchased this? B)What goes through your mind every time you hear the Velcro noise to tighten your lid? Remorse? Personal anguish? Complete and total embarrassment? Simply put, Velcro is a few steps below a man wearing a bucket hat with total seriousness who is not on a Great Lakes fishing excursion. As for camouflage, I thought this was a general rule of thumb in all walks of fashion, but as the years go by, ZEPHYR is cranking out more camo hats than the U.S. military. It is imperative to always ask yourself: what is the need for camouflage in sports and/or normal life in general? Unless you are playing in a mid-afternoon competitive paintball tournament at a remote field, you have no reason to be wearing camouflage. This goes for ANY fan of ANY team, and should serve as a note to the San Diego Padres organization for producing these repugnant uniforms. Lastly, we have the off-colored team hat. Although trendy for "hood-rich" rappers and lavish club DJ's, this article of head wear should never be worn at a sporting event. We get it, you're a trendsetter with your light blue Marlins hat or your Fred Durst-esque red Yankee cap, but don't wear it around anyone who hasn't already formulated a negative opinion about you. This includes most major sports venues in the United States. I guess if it's St. Patty's day and you want to wear your green Bulls jersey or rock a green "St. Patrick's Edition" hat of some sort, I suppose you have my blessing for 24 hours. But on March 18, that thing goes back in the vault for another 364 days. No excuses.

Rule #3: Pretty self-explanatory. Once you're over the age of 8 years old, never purchase a foam finger, foam hand, foam paw or any other foam cheering device. Kids love these things, and understandably so. They want something to play with, or something to help them prove they are helping their team win. Let them be kids, buy them a foam paw at a Bears game. But, the second he drops it and you slip that decrepit piece of sports paraphernalia on your hand, you must turn in your manhood at the stadium concourse and buy Under the Tuscan Sun on Blu-Ray DVD. Note to sophomoric and brash children: just because the foam finger is shaped into the middle finger or "shocker" design doesn't make it cool, grow up. Get a clue.

Honorable Mention: Anything with Chinese or Asian lettering, Any all-one-color outfits (includes track suits), face paint (if you even consider it, god bless you)

After most likely never betting on the Cubs again (unless it is a foot long chili dog eating contest and Carlos Silva was in it). I will be trying to take down the L flag and get back on the winning side. With that said, I will take Matt Latos and the San Diego Padres (not in camo unis) over the Los Angeles Dodgers and the arm of former Albuquerque Isotopes hurler Vicente Padilla. (-140). Go get em Pulse Man!

Pick of the Day: San Diego Padres vs. LA Dodgers- PADRES (-140)

Record:(7-5-0)

Also, new ep of the Jersey Shore II tonight. Huge fan of the guidos/guidettes...should be a jubilating 1/2 hour. Gotta love snooks. And lastly, if you haven't laughed in a while, please check out this video of Scott Stapp (lead singer from the alt. rock band Creed) promoting Florida Marlins baseball. "Come on Marlins, make us proud!"

Time to Grab Some Pine

With the Bulls recently courting the services of one of the NBA's most recognizable glaucomic superstars, Tracy McGrady, we once again learned that the elephant in the room (not a Jerry Krause reference) would not fade, and T-Mac would not be playing for the Bulls if his role as NBA superstar alpha dog would be diminished. In a recent press conference, it almost seemed as if it was a forgone conclusion that McGrady would sign with the Bulls. He repeatedly referred to the Bulls as "we" in the press conference and talked about the possibility of the Bulls to strive towards becoming one of the Eastern Conference's elite teams. Even Derrick Rose chimed in with extremely insightful and highly complex quotes like, "he was good, he was my favorite player" and "he can help us." Thanks for the shrewd insight Derrick, always nice to hear you speak.

But, when T-Mac found out he might be a back-up for the Bulls, and he wouldn't be hoisting shots like he's Jimmy Chitwood in Hoosiers, the reports faded from promising to increasingly doubtful. Now, if I'm Tracy McGrady, I just want to make a roster of a competitive team and collect checks in the process (Note: T-Mac has never been a part of a legitimate playoff run). We understand you won two scoring titles, we understand you were once one of the league's best scorers, and we even understand you once marketed some sick shoes. (who didn't know someone who had these?) But, you came into the league in 1997 and you just underwent arthroscopic surgery on your knee. To clarify a little bit, if Tracy McGrady played on a recreational softball team, he would undoubtedly need a courtesy runner like the 57 year old singles hitter on the "Junk Ballers". Also Tracy, you were drafted into the NBA in 1997. Granted you were 18, but do you know what I was doing in 1997? I was pounding 3 Hi-C Ecto Cooler juice-boxes for lunch and getting lice checks in the school office every 3rd week at Charles Quentin Elementary School. Sometimes you just gotta swallow your pride T-Mac, the fountain of youth wasn't in the Gatorade cooler cooler in Houston. Chances are you won't play 82 games this season, just take the money and run (up and down the court of course) and help the Baby Bulls in a limited role. You're not the "mac" you used to be.

Another player who could learn a thing or two from accepting a limited role or two would be Allen Iverson. You used to be endearingly called "the answer" from fans all over the NBA as you carried the Philadelphia 76ers on your 5 foot, 11 inch shoulders all the way to the NBA finals. Then, you self destructed in Denver after all that "Killa Duo" (watch this video) benighted nonsense and forced yourself into retirement. Then, you couldn't accept a limited role in Memphis and instead began to look for a limited role in the next Tyler Perry television series. You say that you want to start Allen, but who would want you as their franchise player right now? You've got more miles on your legs than a barefoot Kenyan has on the soles of his feet. We know you don't want to "practice" and we know you don't have a lucrative career in broadcasting fast-approaching from TNT. (actually who knows? Barkley's the next Howard Cosell)So once again, grab some pine, slap some 5's, and come in off the bench and drop a U.S.G (Clarification:Ulysses S. Grant=50 dollar bill=50 point performance) sometime in mid-December when everyone forgot you still existed. Sounds like the life to me. Let's face it, when NBA GM's are looking for a franchise player, you're no longer the "answer".

Honestly, I hope both of these guys get signed by a contender. Both deserve to be in one last playoff push and get a shot at that elusive NBA Finals Championship ring. Lastly, I hope they both come back so they can market one more shoe. Give the inner city kids something to steal from their local Foot Locker. I feel you both owe it to them.

To say The Pulse man is bringing the noise in "pick of the day" would be an understatement. He's won his last 5 bets and has increased our record to (7-4). I feel like if I posted his house phone number at the tail end of this blog, Mr. and Mrs. Pulse would be taking more phone messages than David Archuleta's merchandise manager. After winning both his single bet and parlay from yesterday, he is continuing to push the envelope. Tomorrow, he is making a bold move for a die-hard Sox fan. He is putting his faith in the Cubs' Randy Wells to beat the Astros tomorrow at (-145). You gotta respect his fortitude and fearlessness, lets see how it pans out for him.

Pick of the Day: Cubs @ Astros- Cubs (money-line) at (-145)

Record:(7-4-0)

Giving Teahen the Finger

When a Chicago athlete decides to wear the number 23, no matter what the sport or who the athlete, the jersey comes with a level of responsibility that is unmatched by any other numeral in the sports world. Jordan revolutionized this number in sports, more specifically in Chicago, during his 6-ring run in the mid 90's. However, other sports teams in Chicago didn't let the number get tarnished by back-end relievers in baseball or lowly special teams specialists (no pun intended) in football. Sandberg took the honor in stride and became a hall of famer with the 2-3 sewed on his back for 15 years. On the south side, Jermaine Dye who coincidentally looked like "his airness", gave the Sox a few all-star seasons and helped them to a World Series ring wearing the "dos tres" (made that one up). In football, the bears bestowed the illustrious number on the most exciting and illiterate player in the league, Devin Hester. Aside from Hester and his 5th grade reading level, there is only one player in the Windy City who is lucky enough to wear the number nowadays. That player sits in the dugout at US Cellular field and consistently scoops as many sunflower seeds into his mouth as his metal-splinted broken middle finger can manage. The man, the myth, the mediocre--Mark Teahen.

As the year began and Sox fans were clinging on (klingon,get it?) to a promising year with a healthy starting rotation and a possibly potent lineup. They looked to Teahen at the hot corner to provide a solid mid-lineup bat and some defensive prowess. Instead, he brought a royals-esque "losers limp" and some hitting and fielding statistics that wouldn't be able to cast him a role in Freddie Prinze Jr's semi-autobiographical film, Summer Catch. However, as soon as the "mediocre Mark" went down with an injury to his right middle finger, severely hampering his ability to combat verbal lashings from Chicago natives cursing his name around the city, the Sox rattled off a "Little-Big-League-Bill-Heywood-like" win streak that would catapult them into first place. After looking into the man that is Mark Teahen a little deeper, I found out that he might not be playing as well this season because his focus has been diverted away from baseball and into some very strange hobbies. For instance, when i checked Teahen's wikipedia page I realized that his dog, named ESPY, has a twitter account. First off Mark, you really have no chance to ever win, be nominated for, or be invited to the ESPY's unless they create an award for "most forgettable player." So, to name your dog after a sports awards show is a pretty audacious idea. You might want to name your poodle "E-5" or ".255" before you get all overzealous on us naming your dog after an award that you will simply never win. And if the name wasn't bad enough, you opened him a twitter account? Really? How old are you Mark? Were you THAT bored in Kansas City? It's one thing to open your own twitter account and have your only followers be your immediate family (would undoubtedly be the case with Teahen) but to have one for your pet? Not creative, not funny, not hitting .260--thats you Mark, get a grip.

Also it has been well documented that Teahen is an aspiring surgeon. Which to me, is extraordinarily strange. So naturally, when Teahen broke his right middle finger early in the season, he told White Sox management that he was fit to fix it himself. Being the rational enterprise that Major League Baseball is, they respectfully declined. This is a possible letter that was sent to Teahen from MLB commisioner Bud Selig:

Dear Mr. Teahen,
I know you TIVO Grey's Anatomy and HOUSE with your awkwardly attractive wife, and are both avid fans of each series. However, to let you conduct the surgery of your own finger is simply ludicrous. If we let this happen all the time, Albert Belle would have left our sport to become an open heart surgeon in the mid-90's, and Livan Hernandez would be pioneering the development a malaria vaccine in Latin America rather than having a 6.52 ERA. You cannot believe everything you see on TV Mark. I love "Rock of Love" but I haven't been with a woman in over a decade. This is reality. Get a clue, both on the field and in your personal life.

Regards,
Commisioner Bud Selig

At this point you might be thinking, "who saved the south siders?" The answer my friends, came in a very unlikely package. A 43 year old utility infielder with the tightest uniform in the American League. Who would have guessed the man who looks more like a high school hall monitor rather than a future hall of famer would have been the spark to light the fire under the Sox proverbial ass? When anyone holds a job in professional sports for 22 years, you tip your cap to him. Maybe sometime this season Omar might just take off his hairpiece, and tips his cap to himself.

As the arduous season rolls along, we can only hope that Mark Teahen's awkwardly attractive wife rolls up the car window of their leased, 2004 Nissan Maxima on Teahen's finger and shatters the hopes (and maybe a few bones)of any chance that he might return to the lineup this year. Unbeknownst to the White Sox marketing department, the success of this year's team is not black and white, but rather black and blue, like the broken finger of Mark Teahen.

After a recent push in the pick of the day sweepstakes, the Pulse Man is really becoming comforatble in his position and is bringing down the house with his assortment of player props, moneyline bets, and parlays. So for Tuesday night, he has decided to go with the trendy pick and the Major League's most recent sensation, Stephen Strasburg. Strasburg faces one of the best lineups in the National League in the Atlanta Braves, but when Pulse Man is hot (3 game win streak), he stays hot. Trust me, if you don't believe me, ask any female high school graduate of Lake Zurich in 2005 through 2007. Also, he has orchestrated a National League parlay for the day in which he is very confident about. He is taking the Twins over the Royals and the Phillies over the Dan Haren-less Diamondbacks which comes out overall to (+140)

Daily Pick: Braves @ Nationals- NATIONALS (-140)
Parlay: Twins BEAT Royals (moneyline)/ Phillies BEAT Diamondbacks (moneyline)- (+140)

Record: (5-4-0)

Also, special props to Jack G. for helping out with this blog and contributing a significant amoount to it. Even with a full-time logistics job in which he makes $40,000 a year, he still finds time for everyone and everything. Cheers to you Jack, welcome to the bloggosphere.

B.Y. 'You' Screwed Up

Yesterday, the Bears signed their 7th round supplementary draft pick, Harvey Unga to a 4-year contract. Unga holds his school's career rushing record in just three years and was all-conference 2 out of his 3 years in college. But, when I tell you that Unga was kicked out of school in April of his senior year you might presume that he: A) was involved in some campus sex scandal complete with an array of X-rated videos and rape allegations. B) accepted lavish gifts or cars from one of his 'boys' and committed NCAA violations, or C)robbed a convenient store with his warm-up suit still on like those morons at Tennessee. In today's sports world, it wouldn't be out of the ordinary if any one of the above circumstances were true and in turn you'd probably be thinking, "perfect, you might as well list him in the media guide as Curtis Enis." But Unga's story is a far cry from some thug who thought no one would notice his .27 BAC as he drove from a campus Halloween party. To notice this, it is imperative to understand where Harvey Unga attended college--Brigham Young University.

It's no secret that the rules at BYU are very strict as they perennially come in dead last on the Princeton Reviews "Places to Party List" and are first in the minds of many protective fathers as to where to send their daughter for four years as an 18 year old liberal with a foot tat. BYU's honor code consists of guidelines that must be followed by Brigham Young students in order to maintain in good standing at the University. These include rules against alcohol (no matter what age), drugs, and pre-marital sex. So essentially BYU is the antithesis to most college campuses across the country, especially for athletes. At most schools, big-time athletes embrace the scene of performing well in the weekend game, go to a campus bar where people know who you are, and get blind drunk off the charity of other students (fans) without ever really opening their wallets. This was not so much the case for Harvey Unger.

Growing up in Provo, Utah--the location of BYU, Unger decided he wanted to be a cougar like his dad was in the early 80's. He was a hometown kid, an all-state football player, and seemingly a nice fit into BYU's successful football program. In Unger's first 3 years, he ran through the Mountain West and became first team All-MWC. Later in his Sophomore year, Unger started to date one of the girls on the basketball team and, as most college couples do, started locking their bedroom door. Eventually, Unger had proposed to this girl and she became his fiancee early in his Junior season. Eventually, these two happy cougars became pregnant with their first child. Because of the honor code, Unger's fiancee had to hide her pregnancy like punk bands hide from loose-fitting jeans. I am unsure as to when the Ungers got caught, whether a BYU official sppotted her in a Mimi Maternity outlet store outside Provo, or they just turned themselves in. But both students faced expulsion from the University and were forced to withdraw from the school.

So with the circus that is college athletics swirling around us and the stories of recruiting scandals,drugs, and alcohol becoming increasingly prevalent, Harvey Unger and his pregnant fiancee were virtually expelled from school for endorsing the "Miracle of Life" (I won't link the video they show in Sex Ed. in the 5th grade.) It's not like Unger rushed for 250 yards against Utah, drove to Vegas, picked up a cougar (no pun intended) exotic dancer named Jaydn, bought an expired condom from a vending machine at TGI Fridays, and knocked a girl up--this was his future wife.

Now I'm not condoning premarital sex or promoting it in any way. But, to deny two kids of a college education should warrant a legitimate reason. I understand that BYU has high moral standards and their honor code is taken very seriously. But everyone deserves a second chance, everyone of course except Cade McNown and Tele and Kasper from the movie KIDS. All I'm suggesting is that BYU lighten up a bit, don't turn your back on your star athlete and native son when he needs some help. You can do all that, you have your own television channel.

As for pick of the day, we picked up two parlay wins last night with the pitching performances of Zack Greinke and Gio Gonzalez, thanks Gio. Tonight, The Pulse likes the Red Sox covering the 1.5 spread against the Mariners and Ryan Rowland-Smith (look at this guy, he has to lose. HE'S 1-9!!!) at (-105).

Pick of the Day: Red Sox @ Mariners- REDSOX -1.5 (-105)
Record: (4-4-0)

I'll take a...Winning Combo, Hold the "Sweet Lou" Peppers

Now I'm not going to stand here and say that Lou Piniella's resignation is the only answer that Cub fans were looking for, because it is not. It is simply unfair to blame Lou for the Cubs ineptitude this season, and their failure to win a playoff game in his tenure as Cubs skipper. The man is 67 years old, give him a break. At that age, most men are retired and living life like Morty Seinfeld. Lou, on the other hand, was massaging the egos of over-paid, under-achieving mental-midgets like Carlos Zambrano. A player whose sugar levels and ERA both rise faster than the steam off of a fresh-cooked plate of Mrs. Zambrano's empanadas. I feel bad for Lou, I really do. Imagine waking up for day games, filling out line-up cards, and having to tell Jeff Baker he's pitiful and needs to go back to AAA every other week, all while you're eligible to be collecting social security. Sweet Lou just didn't have it in him anymore. Sometimes you just have to put the past away (and step back from that ledge my friend). In the future, we can look forward to not having to deal with: A)8 minute walks to reach the pitcher in mound visits B) A manager who wears a diaper, and C) sputtering press conferences that sound like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. All that Cubs fans want in their new manager is something authentic and satisfying--something that does the job. This, coincidentally is also what I look for in my order each time I go to Portillo's for lunch. Therefore, I have decided that it is only logical to compare each managerial candidate with a sandwich at Portillo's and let Jim Hendry (hasn't missed too many meals) decide from there.

First off, we have Bob Brenly. He provides the color commentary for Comcast with Len Kasper on TV. He won a World Series with the Diamondbacks in 2001. It's inevitable that he knows his stuff and sitting in a room less than 100 feet away from Ron Santo is scaring the life out of him. He's itching to get back on the field. Scratch that itch Jim Hendry, scratch that itch!
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Combo (Beef and Sausage) with hot and sweet peppers. he is the perfect combination of a winning pedigree with a Cubbie background sprinkled in. He's got the fiery side (hot peppers) and a passion for the game of baseball. Also, he has the charming side (sweet peppers) to shmooze the Chicago media and keep the pressure off of his players in such a hostile environment on the North Side.

Also, we have Joe Girardi. He is currently managing the defending World Series Champs so it goes without saying that he is qualified for the job. Also, Joe went to Northwestern and fulfilled his boyhood dream when he sported the Cubbie blue for a few years in the late 90's. Still, prying Joe from the winningest organization in professional sports to make a fleeting, 9 year old version of himself happy is something that will be extraordinarily hard to do.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH- Big Beef, hot peppers, melted provolone. You know exactly what you're getting with Girardi. You know you're gonna suck down 4 g's of calories and drop an Andrew Jackson at the register when you order a Big Beef, but you get it anyway. Why? Because it's damn good that's why. It's going to be expensive, but it's going to be satisfying. You get what you pay for. In both Major League Baseball, and Chicago restaurant chains.

Next, Ryne Sandberg. He's just about as Chicago as Harry Caray and Jack Brickhouse. He gave you a wonderful decade and a half at second base, and stole the hearts of Cub fans in the process. He's payed his dues in the minors and is ready to get the "call from the pen." However, you don't want to throw him under the bus from Jump St. with a bad team and a payroll as high as a DePaul freshman who just did a couple of whippets in his dorm hall bathroom.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Jumbo Dog w/ everything. He's the fan favorite. The homegrown hero. Ryne Sandberg is to the Chicago Cubs what Hot Dogs are to Chicago. He may never be the best choice on the menu, but he's what put Portillo's on the map. He's cost efficient, marketable, and in the end--always what you asked for. Nothing more, nothing less.

Then, we have Alan Trammel. Sometimes people say you have to throw the baby out with the bathwater (not entirely sure what that means, but I heard a hick say it once.) Since Trammel was the bench coach during the last 3 seasons of mediocrity in Chicago, it's pretty safe to say he doesn't really stand a chance unless everyone else turns them down. But, often times you hear mutterings from inside the Cubs organization that Trammel may just be the man with the perfect temperament to run this whimsical franchise.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Beef and Cheddar Croissant. A sandwich that you can only imagine being pretty average and have never really given deep thought into trying. It kinda tastes like your last meal (Piniella) and you feel like you're wasting a Portillo's trip. It just sounds like a real gamble because you really don't know much about it, you just hear about it here and there.

Lastly, someone that really throws you for a loop. Vince Vaughn. Let's face it, if Vince really coached the Cubs, they'd finish in dead last. Vaughn, looking back on his football days at Lake Forest High School, has dubbed himself as a 'very average' athlete- not to mention that I'm sure whatever general baseball knowledge and situational know-how he once possessed has all but dissolved with each high ball he's tossed back at various Northside watering holes. Vince wouldn't be thinking three batters ahead, wondering what middle reliever he should put in to preserve his 1-run lead as much as he'd be pealing into the players parking lot late in his navy blue canvas-topped Firebird, blasting Social Distortion, slurping the last drops from his Diet Mountain Dew Big Gulp. No doubt his jersey would constantly be un-tucked, he'd proudly sport 5 o'clock shadow for photo-ops, and his between-inning dialogue with his pitcher wouldn't so much be "Can you go one more?" but rather, 'Do you have one more?" (referring, of course, to the pack of Marlboro reds in the center console of Randy Wells' Saab). But hey this is baseball, right? I mean, Mark Grace used to go through heat sticks in the doorway to the clubhouse faster than Moises Alou would go through TP to wipe off his hands (a story for another time). And surely, with Vince at the helm the Cubs would be all-star partiers, trading in game film and scouting reports for a few booths at the Holiday Club for wings, and bottomless pitchers (no pun intended) of 312. He'd keep the media in stitches and the Cubs players protective of their wives- though, ultimately he would keep those who bleed Cubbie blue disappointed. Sorry folks.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Italian Beef Party Pack. It's never as good at a grad party as it is inside the restaurant. These are the facts of life.

As for pick of the day, another tough loss last night as the Indians ran past the Twins in the late innings to bust up our parlay. So, if you're keeping track at home, Pulse Man is (0-2) and I'm (2-2). Still, we are a team and although I will tell the media he is struggling, I still support his picks. So today he called in 2 player props that are sure-fire winners. He has Zach Greinke over 5 1/2 strikeouts in the Royals game against the Blue Jays (-120) and Gio Gonzalez (no clue who this is)under 5 K's against the Red Sox at (-130).

Pick(s) of the Day: Greinke over 5 1/2 K's (-120)
Gonzalez under 5 K's (-130)
Record: (2-4-0)

South Bent

You would think that one of the countries most celebrated and prestigious college institutions would be producing alumni that would be either running pro sports teams, or running campaigns for political office. Instead, Notre Dame has recently been breeding alums that are running agonizing advertising campaigns while also running from the South Bend Campus Police. In fact, Mike Golic, Brady Quinn and Joe Montana- three proud "golden domers", have been seen on TV pushing weight loss plans, dietary supplements and most horrific of all--Skechers Shape-Ups. It is easy to diagnose that Notre Dame football is not in the state that it was when these three advertising gurus slapped the "Play Like a Champion" sign. However, their own recent judgment makes them more vulnerable to ridicule than the recently scrutinized Nate Montana.

First off, there is Mike Golic. We love you on the radio. Hell, we even tolerate you on ESPN. But when the commercial break hits and we see you and your brother Bob (formerly the RA on Saved By the Bell: The College Years) endorsing Nutrisystem in between innings, you have no right to not be made fun of--that's the low spot on the totem pole, Mike. We get it "Your wife doesn't think you're disgusting anymore" and "You lost 51 lbs. on Nutrisystem" by eating dried apricots and hummus wraps. Still, nobody cares or wants to see it advertised by you. If you had lost weight, we would've noticed, Greenberg would have complimented you, and you would be proud. Instead your stuck on director's breaks at the Nutrisystem set drinking Coke Zero's with Steve Beurlein because you can't go over your calorie count while constantly talking about how much you look like Jeff Garlin. I understand you wanted to lose weight Golic--just not like this.

Even more of a deplorable situation is what is going on with the Montana family. First, Nate Montana had to deal with his dad wearing Skechers to begin with. Then, he found out that they were Shape-Ups, the shoe designed to straighten your posture and tighten your posterior. Really Joe Cool? 3 Super Bowl MVP's, 8 Pro Bowls, and a pair of shoes that will inevitably lead to your demise. Truly a walk of shame Joe, at least you had good posture doing it. As a result of all of this, your son Nate is being scrutinized on the front page of ESPN for having a few too many barley pops at a college frat party. Really? Is this the only news we had that day? Nate probably sat in his dorm room, contemplated the pros and cons of going out and thought "Hey, I look way to good in this 'Irish Today, Drunk Tommorrow' t-shirt I got at Spencers, and Clausen did this stuff all the time." It really is unfortunate that 3 hours later they found him in the corner of a crowded basement flirting with a National Merit Scholar from Joliet Catholic that was a little tipsy off of Sutter Home Cabernet.

Last but not least, we go to Brady Quinn. Whose dismal NFL career was over before it began when he came out with his EAS "Now I'm Done" Whey Protein marketing campaign. Realistically, you should probably make sure you're going to start over Charlie Frye before you start endorsing products, Brady. Maybe he'll get his shot in Denver. All I know is that him and Tebow's push-up contest on the first day of Bronco's mini-camp is going to be one for the record books. Perhaps they'll each talk about their carb-loading plan before each day so they're both adequately prepared and then see how many receivers they can underthrow? Just a thought.

I know technically Sean Astin isn't a graduate of Notre Dame, but playing the main character in Rudy--a film that exemplifies pride in Notre Dame football like none else comes with some great responsibility, so he deserves to be in this category of despondency. He could have been Notre Dame's Hollywood hero. Instead, Astin made the bold career moves to star in Encino Man alongside Pauly Shore, and the utter atrocity that is The Final Season (don't watch it). These eventually led to his current occupation, narrator for the cable series Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet. If you've never seen it (I watched two seasons on Netflix in college), it's a reality show about meerkats, which are kind of like African squirrels. You probably don't believe me, but this is all true.

As for pick of the day, I'm coming in hot off a much needed win. Today's bet was recommended once again by the Pulse Man who is seemingly getting comfortable with the notion of "blog betting." So, today we have our first parlay. The Pulse likes the Braves over the Padres and the Twins over the Indians which comes out to a total of (+165). Let's hope to get back to even.

Daily Bet: PARLAY: TWINS over INDIANS/BRAVES over PADRES (+165)
RECORD: (2-3-0)

Balk This Way

Down the left field line at Clark and Addison is where an eclectic collection of questionable souls, otherwise known as the Cubs pitchers congregate. Whether they have their mouths so full of Skoal Citrus that they cannot speak, or they are talking about Bob Howry's lycanthropology (the study of werewolves as humanity in a cultural context)degree from McNeese State University, they are truly a dubious group. This post addresses what you might find in these certain players ipods, disc-men or in Tom Gorzelanny's case,his Zune 30 gig Digital Media Player.

Tom Gorzelanny - Isn't really in the bullpen consistently but definitely deserves to be.When he isn't swinging through the Wendy's drive through to grab a #6 (w/ no tomato and a side of ranch), or perusing the local GameStop for the latest shoot-em-up game for his X-Box 360, Tom Gorezelanny can be seen cruising in his Honda Pilot to the likes of Nickelback. Usually Gorezelanny is too preoccupied frantically flipping through a Shenmue players guide or watching the timer on the microwave wind down for his Totino pizza rolls to even notice Nickelback sucks. It seems like just yesterday Chicago native Tom's mom brought him to his first concert- The Smashing Pumpkins at All-State Arena, then the Rosemont Horizon. But since then, his musical affinity has hardly grown by leaps and bounds- with bands like Buckcherry and Daughtry boasting multiples titles in his trendy IKEA CD storage unit. It seems as though Gorzelanny's favorite bands are on par with his pitching: forgettable and ultimately below average.

Ryan Dempster - This zany wildman's musical taste is eclectic, exactly what you'd predict. Dempster has been known to compile some liberal playlists during his luau-type roofdeck parties (equipped with freshly, wood-stained privacy fence), as he keeps the margaritas flowing faster than Rusted Root's singer could say "Send me on my way." Much to the chagrin of his Hispanic teammates and players like Jeff Baker who are always trying to get some shut-eye (and dream they are different ballplayers), folky jam bands like John Butler Trio, G Love, and Virginia Coalition can be heard emanating from his iPod headphones on team flights. And being the proud canuck that he is, The Tragically Hip and Crash Test Dummies tunes have also made themselves comfortable on Dempster's Top 25 Most Played iTunes Smart playlist.Yet another case of a Cubs pitcher's musical taste paralleling his pitching performance. Dempster is about as sporadic as it gets, in both categories.

Carlos Marmol -"Los Fabulosos Cadillacs." Watch the video and there will be no need for an explanation.

Bob Howry - Listening to anything out of Bob Howry's music collection will likely make you want to throw yourself in front of a fast-moving Ford Bronco. When Bob Howry isn't ripping phone books in half or dead-lifting refrigerators at Sears for fun, he is usually busy disappointing the Cubbie faithful by throwing 94 MPH fast balls down the middle every time to the NL's premiere hitters. However, when he isn't doing any of those things, he is listening to music that most likely sounds like live recordings of exorcisms. While Howry beats his chest to thrash metal bands like Pantera and Slayer, Samardzija is finishing his take-out lunch Panera meal and listening to John Mayer. Before games, Howry most likely has bench coach Alan Trammel club him over the head repeatedly with a Cubs Louisville Slugger souvenir baseball bat while he rocks out the latest death metal. To finish off this pre-game ritual, Howry probably slams a Monster energy drink, screams his ABC's, and has Soto peg him in the sternum with mid 80's snap throw- all to get 'warmed up.'

As for pick of the day, I'm struggling to survive like sanity in the mind of Mel GIbson. I'm sitting at (1-3-0) and am desperate for a winner. Today,I'll take dice-K and the BoSox on the moneyline over the A's and Ben Sheets at (+106). The Red Sox have been struggling lately but hopefully tonight they can right the ship out west. However, this game will undoubtedly last until 1 AM so I won't be awake when the result comes in, hopefully I can suck it up and manage to not wet the bed.

Daily Pick: Red Sox @ A's, REDSOX moneyline (+106)
Record: (1-3-0)

Closing Time

In the wake of two blown saves in the city of big shoulders this weekend, Cubs and Sox fans alike are pondering the age old question: Am I comfortable with a lead when our closer comes in? Carlos Marmol and Bobby Jenks are two prime examples of guys whose effectiveness fluctuates significantly depending on the outing (For Jenks, it used to depend on how much Evan Williams whiskey he sucked down in the bullpen during the first 8 innings).

As the Semisonic lyrics read, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end" and since losing 3 consecutive games to division rival Minnesota is a new revelation for the formerly red-hot White Sox, we are wondering if this is the beginning of the end. On Sunday, Jenks' pitching looked almost as miserable as his cat-whisker facial hair as he managed to come into the game, blow the lead, get pulled, and finally, sulk in the dugout all without managing to record a single out. For the White Sox, whenever they seem to be playing well, it is because Jenks has been pitching well. In their World Championship year of 2005, Jenks burst onto the scene as the Sox morbidly obese and horrifically unattractive, yet reliable closer. Jenks also passes the test on the 3 cardinal rules of being an MLB closer 1.) Coming out to a generic ACDC/Metallica song. 2.) Having below average facial hair 3.) Least important of course: be able to record outs when you have a small lead in the late innings. Jenks, however is a pretty volatile character. When he's good, he's highly effective. When he's bad, he is damn near abominable (ex:Sunday afternoon). As well as the Sox have played as of late, this weekend made the collective Sox nation wonder if they are really comfortable with a sober Bobby Jenks coming out of the bullpen in the 9th. I mean, come on, Bobby Jenks and sobriety go together about as well as milk and pad thai. Ever since the beginning of the season, it has been reported that Jenks is "on the wagon" and is practicing some form of alcohol abstinence. Yes, the same guy who never pitched a single inning in high school due to alcohol and cocaine abuse. This must make you wonder, how is he dealing with the constant stress of being a closer? It is in the closer's job description to be edgy and bizarre enough to deal with the rigors of pitching nearly every day for only a single inning. I always envisioned Jenks after a loss gulping bourbon until he falls ass-backwards into his own locker, or binging on Robitussin until he regurgitates on the team charter. Either way, thinking about what he may do after Sunday nights loss just makes me feel downright vexatious. Chances are, he is probably going crazy enough to drive his rental Nissan Sentra to Detroit and commit a homicide with Jose Valverde (dude is crazy).

On the other side of town, Carlos Marmol has become the ultimate "hold your breath" guy in baseball because of his uncanny ability to walk the bases loaded and either A.) strike out the side with a dominating and overpowering assortment of fastballs and breaking pitches, or B.) give up 4,342 consecutive "seeing-eye-singles" until he has blown the Cubs lead (Cubs leading is a very rare occurrence itself) into smithereens. I haven't seen a pitcher in the bigs today with stuff as electric as Marmol's (led the league last year in K's per 9). But, his tendency to issue BoB's like a garage band hippie handing out promo fliers for their first "live gig" can be detrimental to the stress level of Cub fans. On Saturday when Marmol blew the save, you had the feeling the Cubs were just waiting to self-destruct. Seriously, the Cubs haven't won a game 1-0 since the Reagan administration. Truth is, Marmol still is very young and control problems are probably a better problem than Tommy John surgery or contracting a bad case of Dengue Fever.

Still, these are the closers that Chicago has moving forward. So, hopefully Jenks and Marmol can start to close games and get the fans to "gather up your jackets and move into the exits" Semisonic. Eventually, in Carlos and Bobby "I hope you have found a friend" Semisonic.

Also, I didn't realize that the day I bet against the Yankees was going to be the day they honored George Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium. As a result, I lost the bet and am now fighting to get back to .500. Today's bet was recommended by my main man, Pulse-- a small amount betting extraordinaire. So, the bet of the day is on the Cub game because they are on Sunday Night Baseball. The line for both teams' combined runs, hits and errors is 24 1/2. With Roy Halladay on the mound, we're taking the under. The line on the amount of times Soriano spits is at 43,654,342...I'm gonna take the over.

Daily Bet: Phillies @ Cubs combined runs, hits and errors- 24 1/2 -UNDER
Record- (1-2-0)

Listening to Jazz Music instead of going to the Barnesdance

First off, if you think this post is going to be about a bunch of Chi Omega's opting for a "chill-girls night" instead of overspending on a bunch of swank plaid shirts, cut-off jean shorts and a night of drunken debauchery at a college barn-dance, you are dead wrong. This blog is addressing how the Jazz are taking over Chicago like those stupid, decorated Cows 8 years back.

Either Bulls management should mortgage their homes, buy saxophones, make a "Too Ugly for Prostitution" sign and sit indian-style on Wacker Drive with the rest of the homeless and play jazz, or just go ahead and buy the rest of the players on the actual Utah Jazz. Seriously, this summer we have now signed 3 different free agents who played in Utah last year. I mean, at the very least, if you're going to sign Jazz players, the logical choices would be Andrei Kirilenko (Great hair cut, decent 4, Eurotrash extraordinaire) and Mehmet Okur (simply just Eurotrash extraordinaire). Instead we missed the cut on JJ Redick and have recently picked up Ronnie Brewer, who definitely should have been signed by Milwaukee (think about it, amirite?). Although I am not criticizing the Bulls for their off-season free agent approach. Boozer is a great fit at the price we're paying him, and the Korver signing solves our Anthony Mason-esque 3 point shooting woes from last year. However, signing 3 free agents who are formerly from the same team sounds like risky business (insert Tom Cruise scientology joke here, watch this and you'll never watch a Tom Cruise movie again).

Instead, in my opinion John Paxson should be throwing himself at Matt Barnes like a Real World cast member on their first night out. Matt Barnes is a gritty, blue-collar, raving lunatic that would fit perfectly into the Bulls mix. If you ever watch Matt Barnes play, you probably hate him. So do I. However, bringing his mohawk, illiterate tattoos and menacing style of play to the Bulls would spell out one thing-- much needed toughness. All good teams have one wild-card guy who keeps people on edge, and motivates the team to play hard stemming from his unquestioned desire to win (did you see Barnes guarding Kobe on Thanksgiving day? Enough said).

Also, to keep these nonsensical morons in check, your team must possess an alpha-dog superstar player that the player respects enough to keep him in line and out of A)whore houses the night before game 2 of the Eastern Conference semis or B) domestic abuse charges from his wife (Those situations are very relatable ironically). If you think about it, this situation has played out a number of times. For instance, Rodman was fine with Isaiah, started laying down and taking naps in front of the scorers table in San Antonio, and was once again functional with MJ. Also in case you forgot, RON ARTEST WAS DRINKING AT HALFTIME WITH THE BULLS, getting in fist fights with fans, and applying for jobs at Circuit City so he could receive employee discounts (true story). Now, he's an NBA Champion under the tutelage of Kobe and saved his "I thank my therapist" deranged rant for once they had already one. I think D Rose is now the superstar that Barnes will protect from hard-fouls and do a little bit of bloodying up the opposition himself. Rose needs a bad-ass behind him if he's gonna go deep into the playoffs (I completely didn't mean that to be homosexual, but I'm not deleting it).

All I'm saying is the Bulls could use a little "no easy buckets" mentality to them and Matt Barnes fits that role like "one of those round pegs" (Forrest Gump quote). He could become the AJ Pierzynski of the Bulls, and I think Sox fans would agree that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Also, I didn't anticipate the offensive onslaught that was Sox vs. Twins yesterday and lost my bet, evening my record to .500. Tonight, we will go with Josh Shields and the Rays taking down CC and the Yanks on the moneyline. The Bombers aren't the same without the boss in the box (pretty good alliterative line I must say). So, the pick is Rays (+165) on the moneyline in NYC.

Record: (1-1-0)

Can't get much scHEYER than this

Jon Scheyer was not your typical Illinois Mr. Basketball. He wasn't your prototypical NCAA Champion point guard, and he won't be Pat Riley's first choice to be coming off the bench in big situations for the Miami Heat's eminent roster next spring, but I somehow believe that is exactly what he will be doing.


For Scheyer, it started when he reached a level of transcendence in Illinois High School Basketball nearly five years ago. Dropping double nickels on suburban and city opponents alike while somehow managing to promote Judaism in the process. He and his teammates became the first all-jewish starting five to win in Peoria in the history of Illinois High School Basketball, while running through a stiff bracket like Lindsay Lohan runs through blow. Scheyer instantly became the most popular player in Illinois. Oh, the ever-marketable tall, emaciated, shooting guard had Northbrook soccer moms in his personal space like he was pedaling Arbonne hand creme. Still, people always doubted his play at the next level, especially at Duke. Critics said ACC defenders would chew him up and spit him out like bad matzah. Still, Scheyer persevered leaving a spoor of detractors left confused behind him. He has forever left his stamp on Illinois High School Basketball. For instance:

• If you drop 49 in a Super-Sectional or have 25 points in less than 2 minutes, you Scheyered your opposition.



• If kids on the North Shore run around and tell stories about how their 5'8'' brother on Deerfield got to guard you for 3 posessions, you're the new Scheyer.



• If your picture is on the front page of the Daily Herald and you look like you're at the dentist about to get one of those wooden mallets shoved down your throat, you got Scheyered. (this needed two links: Scheyerface, 3 for good measure)

In college, Scheyer took his fame from the North Shore to the Bible Belt and even got himself featured on the "This is Why Duke Sucks" Music Video by grammy nominated recording artist Peter "PMD" Rosenberg (If you haven't seen this video, watch it). He made the decision to shun Illinois and chose the most polarizing college of all which caused a plethera of people to root against the Caucasian-laden, country club that is Duke Basketball (Yea, that guy plays for Duke). A school whose starting 5 looks like they're cast from the set of a dockers commercial.

Now, he finds hinmself on the summer league roster (Heat) with a team that has stirred up more hatred in the NBA since Bill Laimbeer and Rodman bloodied up the Bulls while Aha was still making hit records in the late 80's. Even if he does make the squad in late October, his first official conversation with Pat Riley will revolve around him either A) picking up LeBron his Jamba Juice before practice. B) Categorizing and color-coordinating D Wade's fedora collection. or C) trimming Bosh's dreadlocks with gardening shears.

After all, Scheyer could very well become Illinois High School Champion (2005), NCAA National Champion (2010) and NBA Finals Champ (2011??) All in the past 6 years...pretty impressive. Maybe if they win the new big 3 will carry him off the court on a chair like at his wedding.

Also, I'm 1-0 with my betting picks after the All-Star Game so I suggest you start to "fade" me as soon as possible. Pick for today....I like the UNDER (8.5) in the White Sox/Twins series opener.

PICK: UNDER (8.5) -115 in Chicago White Sox@ Minnesota Twins.

RECORD:(1-0-0)

In Da Club wit Da Cubs

Since every day we move closer to October the Cubs lose relevance in the National League, we might as well use the Cubs roster for alternative purposes, like trying to figure out what they do on their days off. Judging by their record, lethargy, and overall incompetence, the Cubs must be out boozing in Chicago on a pretty regular basis. Therefore I have began to create a little compilation of what I think particular Cubs might drink when they go out. I am anticipating some reader feedback (still not sure if I have any readers), so lets go around the horn and buy a round for one of the worst teams in baseball:


Zambrano-By far the easiest. Drinks Sol, not by the glass bottle or the conventional 12 oz. can but rather by way of the 24 oz. industrial size can that you can only buy at Supermarcado. He sits in the players parking lot after games with a rosary around his neck blasting Pitbull and funneling Sol down his throat like he's at a high school post-prom party. Perhaps Zambrano has struggled this year and has blamed his entire life's problems on Derek Lee because he can't seem to get "one, two, three, four, uno, dos, tres, quatro....i know you wantme.." out of his head. Calle ocho to you Carlos, you earned it.


Derek Lee/Marlon Byrd- Essentially the same personality. Trendy black guys that like trendy black things and trendy black drinks. Chances are they both like Jay-Z, Chances are they both order shots of Patron or unnecessarily expensive vodka, Chances are they both suck to hang out with, Chances are one of them is traded by August 1st.


Ryan Theriot- My personal favorite. Probably drinks Bud heavy drafts because they're like $3.00 if the Cubs win. An American guy, supports domestics with the best of em. Chances are he's belly up at the bar listening unenthusiastically to Fontenot complain about his lack of AB's and his lack of decent facial hair. More importantly, Theriot is concerned about growing his soul patch and playing Radiohead on the jukebox while constantly trying to forget that he's on the Cubs.


Starlin Castro- Can he even drink?? Who knows. If so, rail tequila I assume. Probably explains his inconsistent and erratic play in the field.


Aramis Ramirez- A little classier than Zambrano, but his dismal season has forced him to hit the bottle harder and more often than ever. He presumably drinks that dreadful Mexican liqeuor where the lid is a shot glass. Disarrono, I think. He needs to be able to pour those shots fast. He's hitting .203, thats at least 3 K's leading to at least 3 shots a game.



Kosuke Fukudome- Tsingtao. Nuff said. Deja Blue in between drinks to stay hydrated.




Geovany Soto- First off, I'm trying to figure out if him and Carlos Quentin see the same barber, and if so, we should find the barber and send him back to 1992. Both of these idiots look like the 6th member of Menudo. Either way, I see Soto as thinking of himself as the "most interesting catcher in the world" and drinking Dos Equis by the 12 pack. Then, after finishing four of them, getting obnoxiously drunk because of his rapid weight loss, and hitting on a girl he thinks looks like J Lo, but in actuality looks like a Mexican version of the ratty girl from Hung.

Alfonso Soriano-Thought about this one for a while but think I solved the jigsaw that is Alfonso...Mojitos. I can see him just being a sucker for the entire process. Loves paying $12.00 for a drink (Hell, the guy makes more undeserved money than Spencer Pratt), loves being a nuisance to the bartender as mojitos are a great deal of work to make, and lastly, loves toting the line of homosexuality that comes with drinking a mojito. Remember, there has been speculation about Soriano being gay, and I am not combating those speculations.

Sean Marshall- Sean Marshall may seem to possess a prudent, level-headed demeanor, but lets get real. Look Deeper. You KNOW at Virginia Commonwealth he was stumbling into his brown, 3 story shitbox off-campus house (equipped with wood siding and 5 burnout roommates) 2 hours before the first pitch of a Saturday double-header. This guy is no stranger to getting asked to leave John Barleycorn for falling ass backwards into the private party room, reeking like he's been drinking gasoline, asking some rich stockbroker if he can bum a Parliament Light while he ogles the broker's rail-thin girlfriend. Of course, he is also familiar with rolling over in his hotel room in a drunken stooper on a 12 game west coast road trip, and blowing his nose in a shitty, mesh batting practice hat because he is too hungover to gallop to the bathroom for some 5-star, quilted TP. He is also not a stranger to pouring a little Svedka in his Riptide Rush in the bullpen like a freshman coed at a homecoming football game. Some might think "Sean" is an Adonis. Not me, he's a one man party. He wears button down shirts with the top four buttons undone , and dark-washed jeans with vine-like embroidery on the back pockets. You heard it here first. Girls don't really care too much for him because after a few drinks, he starts acting like a frat boy at VCU's flag day parade in mid-July after taking down 12 cans of Natural ICE. Sorry, got a little carried away with Sean. I feel he deserves it after being summoned to the pen while Tom Gorzelanny gets starts.

Carlos Silva-Castrol Syntec Motor Oil

That's all I got, leave comments or something if you have modifications or suggestions about other players.

I will start to leave a daily line betting pick of the day and (or week) whatever and a little rationale behind it. Yes, I will be keeping my own record. Tonight is the all-star game hosted by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim located in the San Bernadino Valley or whomever the refer to themselves as. I like the National League on the money line, look at their pitching staff, are you kidding.

Pick: National League (+107) Moneyline. Record (0-0-0)

Breaking Up With The Blackhawks

As the Madison Ave. garage sale continues and players that Chicago was just getting used to are being shipped out like bad salmon (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Hjalmarsson, Sopel) we are forced to "break up" with the 2010 Blackhawks that captured the Stanley Cup, as well as the hearts of many Chicagoans who were simply just tired of watching awful baseball, so naturally, they became hockey fans.

It is not every day that you feel the need to compare hockey players with women, but in this case I find it quite fitting. We knew that we would never be able to keep all these players (girls) because we simply do not have the money (uh....money). So, therefore we shipped them for parts all over the NHL. However, each player remains a part of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs and also a part of the memories that they gave us for a couple of months when Blackhawks games became an excuse to go out and drink, and for girls to make shitty facebook statuses like they actually cared. So, in this article I will go over the legacy of each player that was sent packing and make comparisons to the type of woman they might be, this could get pretty weird.

Dustin Byfuglien- Lets face it, Byfuglien is an anomaly. He's a black hockey player. And, like a 7 foot gymnast would do as well, he draws interest. He's supposedly American, but has one of the most bizarre last names in the league. Kids love him, and why not, he's big and he's black (like every other pro athlete) and they're too young to crave anything different every once in a while, so he immediately becomes their favorite player. To me, he lends himself to Angelina Jolie, she's a dime with great features, yet she's a lunatic (much like Byfuglien). She is intimidating (much like Byfuglien) and you simply just don't fuck with her....girls don't fuck with Jolie (see Jennifer Anniston) It should also be noted that Byfuglien was the trendiest player to like on the Blackhawks during their playoff run without question. I had a friend who bought an authentic jersey and a "Big Buff" shirt (horrificly gay) only to see him get traded in the next month. It absolutely was karma for buying a "Big Buff" shirt that was designed for 3rd graders, preferably that wear glasses and write GO HAWKS on their 5 star binder. When you ask guys who the hottest girl in the world is, a lot of them say Jolie. I simply believe this isn't true, they just say it because everyone thinks she's near the top and they won't catch any flack for saying Jolie. So the bottom line is, she's hot no doubt, but in the end, expendable, and her popularity will fade as she keeps adopting more foreign children (average seasons) and stays out of the limelight (being traded to the Atlanta Thrashers)

Kris Versteeg- I gotta admit, I liked Versteeg. He did some things that simply made you ask "What the F*&@" at times, but in the end you know he was playing his heart out. I lend Versteegs game to a young Britney Spears (I'm thinking like "I'm A Slave for You" Britney). I know what you're thinking...(thats Britney's best video! I know, I know). After all, this was Versteegs best season, but, next thing ya know he could go nuts, shave his head, and marry Kevin Federline and actually think "Popozao" is a decent song. Like I said, I liked Versteeg, hell, I still do. I just don't see him doing much better or being any more notable than he was with the Blackhawks this season. And, much like Britney, you'll be more interested in her little sister (NHL Prospect X) in a year or two.

Niklas Hjalmarsson- What is there to to say about Hjalms? Dude is foreign. Dude brought it every night. He reminds of a girl that's straight off the plane Eastern Block European, but understands how her man needs to be treated in America. She cooks dinner and it's waiting in the oven when you get home every night, but, when you do eat out and spill Chiptole on your dress shirt, it's dry cleaned and in your closet the next day. She knows how to take care of business, and even though you never could pronounce her foreign name well, you feel sick when she goes and sleeps with another guy (Sharks) and you have nothing to eat (No Defense). I'm thinking...Kornikova? I don't know, I'm not really into foreign chicks.

Brent Sopel- Ah, last but definitely not least, Brent Sopel. I would definitely classify Sopel as the stereotypical clingy chick that would absolutely do ANYTHING for you and you don't realize what you have until she leaves (I have never actually experienced something like this, so I really wouldn't know). She would put up with you cheating on her with better defenseman, constantly berating her because she can't dance (Sopel can barely skate) and still every time you turn around she's laying down in front of pucks for you. Sopel was completely under-appreciated on the hawks and I think he will be missed along with Hjalmarsson. Sopel lends himself to any girl who you probably dated in high school that you could still make out with given a good effort (I don't have any, Sopel's pretty rare, I'm telling you)

This last one I did just for fun it was too easy...

Patrick Kane- Tara Reid, easily. Hot, crazy, nuts. All in the same player. Acts like she's still in college and is constantly doing something that sheds negative light on themselves, but are supremely talented. Can take down a beer bong, hook up with two guys in one night, and then wake up and get shitfaced the next day and give an incoherent speech in front of 3 million people. She's the only person who can have a DUI and a centerfold in playboy within the same career. I love you Tara. Hopefully we never have to break up with you Kane.

The Boy Band Bulls

With the recent signing of Kyle Korver and the looming possibility of acquiring JJ Redick, the Bulls have solidified themselves of two things. 1) Increasing their 3 point shooting substantially by adding two of the best college pure shooters of the last decade and 2)Becoming the only team in the NBA that uses more hair product than the cast of Glee.

Knowing that next year when the Bulls are down by 3 late they wont have to draw up a set for Luol Deng is a relieving feeling. Additionally, knowing that they can have both Korver and Redick on the floor at the same time roaming "Candy Land" in these moments exudes confidence in the Bulls faithful. Although Redick hasn't lived up to reputation he made for himself at Duke in the NBA, if he somehow channels his "make a 35 footer, give the shocker hand gesture and run down the court laughing at defender X" routine that he had down at Duke during his National POY year in 2006, the Bulls are in good shape. And for Korver, after shooting some odd 53% last year in Salt Lake City, even if he manages to stay above the Mendoza Line of 3 point shooting (38%), it will be an upgrade from 2010's long range performance. It's hard to believe after drafting a penetrating point guard in D Rose, that it took the Bulls two years to surround him with snipers (JJ and Kutcher) and a solid post finisher (Boozer) Either way Korver is a solid edition to a team that has struggled to shoot the ball consistently, and as long as he can ditch that putrid high socks look (alla Keith Van Horn), and find a more marketable number than 26?!? Bulls fans should enjoy his presence on the perimeter. Last year, Korver amazingly managed to lead the league in 3 point shooting, while simultaneously being the first player in the shot clock era to shoot over 50% from deep without ever leaving his feet the entire season, truly remarkable.

On a more important note, the Bulls have now transformed their team into a professional basketball boy band. With the addition of Korver and Redick, you have two boyish vocalists who do nothing better than style well and smile better than any two other assorted white guys in the NBA (with the exception of Jason Kapono). Seriously, look at these guys (Korver and Redick) And, the Bulls already have Joe Alexander on the bench. I'm not sure why but I see him being a helluva keyboard guy, just a hunch. But most importantly, you have Joakim Noah, who fits perfectly into the "weirdly edgy, why are you in a boy band?" role familiarized by Chris Kirkpatrick of NSYNC. Think about it, they both have shitty haircuts, annoyingly outgoing personalities and are infectious, Joakim is so outspoken he would love to be in a boy band, although he never could have been in NSYNC, he would have instantly outed Lance Bass for being gay. With all this being said, they even sound like a boy band...JJ, Kyle K, Joey and Joakim, should be an exciting season to say the very least. I'm thinking....The Toucha-bulls.

It is without question that Redick and Korver will probably share a 2 bedroom flat in Wrigleyville and parade models and aspiring actresses in and out of there like its the DMV. Bulls fans have always been comfortable embracing Caucasian players (think:Buechler, Kerr, Perdue, Longley, etc.) and with the possibility of Matt Bouldin joining the team as well (he's on the summer league roster) the Bulls will have more young, blonde groupies than Lee DeWyze.