These Hills Have Eyes

As bizarre and outlandish as this metaphor might seem at first, the 2011 Chicago Blackhawks are Heidi Montag (or Heidi Pratt if you want to get technical). Before you all go running to the hills (no pun intended), hear me out for a second. At one time, Heidi was a fresh-faced, sincere starlet with delicate features and a cup size that wasn't halfway through the English alphabet (I know she had aspirations to become an H, don't ask me how I know that). She was the 'girl next door' type of teenager who wowed viewers with her natural beauty and her laughable IQ score that presumably peaked somewhere in the mid 70's. Now, she's neck deep in regret and saddled with the scars of two years worth of dumbfounding decisions. As for the Blackhawks, they were on top of the world (Stanley Cup/Season 2 of The Hills), then ditched the talent around them that they previously thought was disposable (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Niemi/Lauren, Lo, Audrina) and are now a couple of injuries away from breaking down completely (Heidi's surgery scars + divorce from Spencer = the end of Speidi/Toews and Kane both injury plagued= the end of the 2011 Blackhawks).

Last year, although the Hawks didn't always look like the future Stanley Cup champs throughout the season, you knew they had the talent to be able to pack-rat their pieces in time for a magical playoff run. This year, it just doesn't seem as if that's the case. The Hawks are vulnerable--in net, behind the blue line and even on the offensive side of the ice. A year ago, the Hawks were phenomenal at putting teams away early and holding their foot over their opponent's trachea for the rest of the game as they skated to 2 and 3 goal wins. Now, even when the Blackhawks muster a strong first period resulting in an early advantage, they surrender to their opponent easier than Cameron did to Ferris Bueller.

With that being said, it was nice to get a win over the rival Detroit Red Wings on Saturday. Taking a game away from Detroit considering what else that city deals with as far as sports is downright cruel. Honestly, that's like stealing lunch money from a kid when you know his parents just got divorced and his sister is turning tricks to keep the family home from foreclosing. But, even blind squirrels find nuts, and although I've never been a huge proponent of those lame expressions that your old man always says, it holds true in this case.

As for Pick of the Day, after being crucified by Jimmer the first time around, The Pulse Man looks to the Mormon Prince to slay the undefeated dragon that is San Diego State Wednesday night. In Jimmer we trust.

Special thanks to the "Wizard of Wheaton" for her contributions to this blog. She is the first woman to ever be a contributor for Chicago Sports Noise, so she's technically Martha Washington, Jackie Robinson and Anne Frank all rolled into one. Congrats.

Pick of the Day: SDSU @ BYU (-5)

Record:(48-35-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Board to Death

First and foremost, if you haven't seen the hit that Niklas Hjalmarsson laid on the Sabres' Jason Pomminville last night, take a look at the video real quick before you continue.

Now, media outlets everywhere have been coming down hard on Niklas Hjalmarsson's house-cleaning hit in the Hawks game from Monday night. People have referred to the hit as malicious, unnecessary, and vengeful. But, it seems as if nobody has taken into account the situation in which the incident occurred, or the player who was involved before these people started 'jumping to conclusions' like Tom Smykowski in Office Space. Hjalmarsson, or 'HJ' as I affectionately refer to him as, is typically an even-keeled, Sweed defenseman who gets his job done on the ice and doesn't provide many notable soundbites afterward (perhaps we just don't understand them because they're in Sweedish). Still, in a pivotal moment in the hockey game Monday night, with his Stanley Cup defending Blackhawks down a goal in the first period, HJ brought the wood to a defenseless defender (kinda ironic isn't it) who he anticipated would have the puck, and proceeded to knock him unconscious. After the hit, the Sabres and Hawks instantly began exchanging four letter words and four knuckle shuffles around the right circle and HJ was later given an exit ticket from HSBC Arena from the game's officials.

Now, was the play deserving of a penalty? Absolutely. Should he have been ejected? Possibly. But if Pomminville had rose to his feet and skated off the ice in his own power, would HJ be taking translated phone calls from the NHL commissioners office this morning and be a subject of constant criticism by every wannabe hockey safety advocate in the greater Buffalo area? Not a chance. What people need to realize is that HJ didn't go head hunting for Pomminville. He doesn't have an ongoing quarrel with Jason about his wife's whereabouts from a few Friday's back, and he didn't just level him because his last name sounds like an unincorporated village in upstate New York, he was just a victim of a violent hit in a violent game. Just like Chubbs Peterson's mom not signing the football permission slip because she thought it would be too dangerous, Pomminville shouldn't have laced up his sweater if he didn't know the dangers of professional hockey. Deciphering the difference between an aggressive hit and a malicious melee are about as difficult to tell apart as Ronde and Tiki Barber in pro hockey. Hockey players define their own sport--tough, gritty warriors. The kind of guys that get double digit stitches and are still probable for return, the kind of guys who still play despite their dental infrastructure looking like they were raised in the same Louisiana trailer park as those pro-insest maniacs who escaped from an Arizona prison in August.

Even after all of that, what disappointed me most may have been the yellow-bellied actions that recently caped Captain America, Ryan Miller took part in after the game. Instead of defending his player on the ice and throwing his weight around like our Captain Jonathan Toews did, Ryan Miller sat in his American flag boxers in the Sabres locker room and advocated suspending Hjalmarsson and openly questioned his motives to a bunch of sweaty journalists wearing short-sleeved floral button-downs holding CASIO 128MB Recording Devices to his mouth. I don't care how many lbs. of pads you have on Ryan, take off your mask and defend your boy like a hockey player if you want to say something. Not even an Olympic shutout can rescue you from that act pantywaist patsying.

As for Pick of the Day, that 4th quarter Brett Favre pick 6 led to the Jets covering the spread through the backdoor (no pun intended). Today, in the only game 5 of the divisional round of the MLB playoffs, Pulse Man likes the Rays to slay Cliff Lee, the Rangers former cocaine-addict manager, the Rangers former cocaine-addict Centerfielder, and the rest of George Bush's boys at (-115).

Pick of the Day: Rangers @ Rays. RAYS (-115)

Record: (23-18-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Breaking Up With The Blackhawks

As the Madison Ave. garage sale continues and players that Chicago was just getting used to are being shipped out like bad salmon (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Hjalmarsson, Sopel) we are forced to "break up" with the 2010 Blackhawks that captured the Stanley Cup, as well as the hearts of many Chicagoans who were simply just tired of watching awful baseball, so naturally, they became hockey fans.

It is not every day that you feel the need to compare hockey players with women, but in this case I find it quite fitting. We knew that we would never be able to keep all these players (girls) because we simply do not have the money (uh....money). So, therefore we shipped them for parts all over the NHL. However, each player remains a part of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs and also a part of the memories that they gave us for a couple of months when Blackhawks games became an excuse to go out and drink, and for girls to make shitty facebook statuses like they actually cared. So, in this article I will go over the legacy of each player that was sent packing and make comparisons to the type of woman they might be, this could get pretty weird.

Dustin Byfuglien- Lets face it, Byfuglien is an anomaly. He's a black hockey player. And, like a 7 foot gymnast would do as well, he draws interest. He's supposedly American, but has one of the most bizarre last names in the league. Kids love him, and why not, he's big and he's black (like every other pro athlete) and they're too young to crave anything different every once in a while, so he immediately becomes their favorite player. To me, he lends himself to Angelina Jolie, she's a dime with great features, yet she's a lunatic (much like Byfuglien). She is intimidating (much like Byfuglien) and you simply just don't fuck with her....girls don't fuck with Jolie (see Jennifer Anniston) It should also be noted that Byfuglien was the trendiest player to like on the Blackhawks during their playoff run without question. I had a friend who bought an authentic jersey and a "Big Buff" shirt (horrificly gay) only to see him get traded in the next month. It absolutely was karma for buying a "Big Buff" shirt that was designed for 3rd graders, preferably that wear glasses and write GO HAWKS on their 5 star binder. When you ask guys who the hottest girl in the world is, a lot of them say Jolie. I simply believe this isn't true, they just say it because everyone thinks she's near the top and they won't catch any flack for saying Jolie. So the bottom line is, she's hot no doubt, but in the end, expendable, and her popularity will fade as she keeps adopting more foreign children (average seasons) and stays out of the limelight (being traded to the Atlanta Thrashers)

Kris Versteeg- I gotta admit, I liked Versteeg. He did some things that simply made you ask "What the F*&@" at times, but in the end you know he was playing his heart out. I lend Versteegs game to a young Britney Spears (I'm thinking like "I'm A Slave for You" Britney). I know what you're thinking...(thats Britney's best video! I know, I know). After all, this was Versteegs best season, but, next thing ya know he could go nuts, shave his head, and marry Kevin Federline and actually think "Popozao" is a decent song. Like I said, I liked Versteeg, hell, I still do. I just don't see him doing much better or being any more notable than he was with the Blackhawks this season. And, much like Britney, you'll be more interested in her little sister (NHL Prospect X) in a year or two.

Niklas Hjalmarsson- What is there to to say about Hjalms? Dude is foreign. Dude brought it every night. He reminds of a girl that's straight off the plane Eastern Block European, but understands how her man needs to be treated in America. She cooks dinner and it's waiting in the oven when you get home every night, but, when you do eat out and spill Chiptole on your dress shirt, it's dry cleaned and in your closet the next day. She knows how to take care of business, and even though you never could pronounce her foreign name well, you feel sick when she goes and sleeps with another guy (Sharks) and you have nothing to eat (No Defense). I'm thinking...Kornikova? I don't know, I'm not really into foreign chicks.

Brent Sopel- Ah, last but definitely not least, Brent Sopel. I would definitely classify Sopel as the stereotypical clingy chick that would absolutely do ANYTHING for you and you don't realize what you have until she leaves (I have never actually experienced something like this, so I really wouldn't know). She would put up with you cheating on her with better defenseman, constantly berating her because she can't dance (Sopel can barely skate) and still every time you turn around she's laying down in front of pucks for you. Sopel was completely under-appreciated on the hawks and I think he will be missed along with Hjalmarsson. Sopel lends himself to any girl who you probably dated in high school that you could still make out with given a good effort (I don't have any, Sopel's pretty rare, I'm telling you)

This last one I did just for fun it was too easy...

Patrick Kane- Tara Reid, easily. Hot, crazy, nuts. All in the same player. Acts like she's still in college and is constantly doing something that sheds negative light on themselves, but are supremely talented. Can take down a beer bong, hook up with two guys in one night, and then wake up and get shitfaced the next day and give an incoherent speech in front of 3 million people. She's the only person who can have a DUI and a centerfold in playboy within the same career. I love you Tara. Hopefully we never have to break up with you Kane.