Breaking Up With The Blackhawks

As the Madison Ave. garage sale continues and players that Chicago was just getting used to are being shipped out like bad salmon (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Hjalmarsson, Sopel) we are forced to "break up" with the 2010 Blackhawks that captured the Stanley Cup, as well as the hearts of many Chicagoans who were simply just tired of watching awful baseball, so naturally, they became hockey fans.

It is not every day that you feel the need to compare hockey players with women, but in this case I find it quite fitting. We knew that we would never be able to keep all these players (girls) because we simply do not have the money (uh....money). So, therefore we shipped them for parts all over the NHL. However, each player remains a part of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs and also a part of the memories that they gave us for a couple of months when Blackhawks games became an excuse to go out and drink, and for girls to make shitty facebook statuses like they actually cared. So, in this article I will go over the legacy of each player that was sent packing and make comparisons to the type of woman they might be, this could get pretty weird.

Dustin Byfuglien- Lets face it, Byfuglien is an anomaly. He's a black hockey player. And, like a 7 foot gymnast would do as well, he draws interest. He's supposedly American, but has one of the most bizarre last names in the league. Kids love him, and why not, he's big and he's black (like every other pro athlete) and they're too young to crave anything different every once in a while, so he immediately becomes their favorite player. To me, he lends himself to Angelina Jolie, she's a dime with great features, yet she's a lunatic (much like Byfuglien). She is intimidating (much like Byfuglien) and you simply just don't fuck with her....girls don't fuck with Jolie (see Jennifer Anniston) It should also be noted that Byfuglien was the trendiest player to like on the Blackhawks during their playoff run without question. I had a friend who bought an authentic jersey and a "Big Buff" shirt (horrificly gay) only to see him get traded in the next month. It absolutely was karma for buying a "Big Buff" shirt that was designed for 3rd graders, preferably that wear glasses and write GO HAWKS on their 5 star binder. When you ask guys who the hottest girl in the world is, a lot of them say Jolie. I simply believe this isn't true, they just say it because everyone thinks she's near the top and they won't catch any flack for saying Jolie. So the bottom line is, she's hot no doubt, but in the end, expendable, and her popularity will fade as she keeps adopting more foreign children (average seasons) and stays out of the limelight (being traded to the Atlanta Thrashers)

Kris Versteeg- I gotta admit, I liked Versteeg. He did some things that simply made you ask "What the F*&@" at times, but in the end you know he was playing his heart out. I lend Versteegs game to a young Britney Spears (I'm thinking like "I'm A Slave for You" Britney). I know what you're thinking...(thats Britney's best video! I know, I know). After all, this was Versteegs best season, but, next thing ya know he could go nuts, shave his head, and marry Kevin Federline and actually think "Popozao" is a decent song. Like I said, I liked Versteeg, hell, I still do. I just don't see him doing much better or being any more notable than he was with the Blackhawks this season. And, much like Britney, you'll be more interested in her little sister (NHL Prospect X) in a year or two.

Niklas Hjalmarsson- What is there to to say about Hjalms? Dude is foreign. Dude brought it every night. He reminds of a girl that's straight off the plane Eastern Block European, but understands how her man needs to be treated in America. She cooks dinner and it's waiting in the oven when you get home every night, but, when you do eat out and spill Chiptole on your dress shirt, it's dry cleaned and in your closet the next day. She knows how to take care of business, and even though you never could pronounce her foreign name well, you feel sick when she goes and sleeps with another guy (Sharks) and you have nothing to eat (No Defense). I'm thinking...Kornikova? I don't know, I'm not really into foreign chicks.

Brent Sopel- Ah, last but definitely not least, Brent Sopel. I would definitely classify Sopel as the stereotypical clingy chick that would absolutely do ANYTHING for you and you don't realize what you have until she leaves (I have never actually experienced something like this, so I really wouldn't know). She would put up with you cheating on her with better defenseman, constantly berating her because she can't dance (Sopel can barely skate) and still every time you turn around she's laying down in front of pucks for you. Sopel was completely under-appreciated on the hawks and I think he will be missed along with Hjalmarsson. Sopel lends himself to any girl who you probably dated in high school that you could still make out with given a good effort (I don't have any, Sopel's pretty rare, I'm telling you)

This last one I did just for fun it was too easy...

Patrick Kane- Tara Reid, easily. Hot, crazy, nuts. All in the same player. Acts like she's still in college and is constantly doing something that sheds negative light on themselves, but are supremely talented. Can take down a beer bong, hook up with two guys in one night, and then wake up and get shitfaced the next day and give an incoherent speech in front of 3 million people. She's the only person who can have a DUI and a centerfold in playboy within the same career. I love you Tara. Hopefully we never have to break up with you Kane.