Rules for Fools: A Tutorial for Buying Sports Gear

Much like listening to Tears for Fears in social settings did in the mid 1980's, this "Rules for Fools" guide will help you to not get pointed and laughed at during sporting events or any social sports scene in general. Every time you go see a sports game, you see "those guys" that you're glad aren't you, your friend, your dad, or anyone's dad that you know. Still, you sometimes see adolescents or young adults sporting questionable (at best) team affiliated gear. Here are 3 simple rules to ensure yourself that you will be clad in something that will not entirely busticate your reputation, or for that matter, your self respect.

Rule #1: Never buy a player's jersey who is younger than you. You might think: What jersey am I going to buy when I'm an adult? If you seriously asked yourself that question in your mind, picture this:You're 45 years old, happily married, you have one young child. You're a lifelong Cubs/Sox fan and you make a Saturday trip to the Woodfield mall with young child X to buy sports gear to support your team. You're child's favorite flayer is young, fresh-faced shortstop Y (ex: Castro, Beckham, Jeter, Nomar back in the day, etc.)so you buy both you and your son jerseys and walk out of the store without thinking twice. However, next time you take your son to a ballgame, you're sitting in section 418 with a bunch of high-school neurotics and you look like the ho hum dad from Yes, Dear (note: the antithesis to Mike O'Malley--former Global Guts megastar). Not a good situation, I would advise against it. If you must buy a jersey when you are past the age of 35 (the age most athletes retire), I would endorse a throwback uniform purchase. Granted, they are more expensive. But, they go great with salt-n-pepper hairstyles and metal knees, and fit nicely in your closet next to your eclectic collection of IZOD polos and pleated dress slacks. Also, it is kosher to buy a jersey with no name on the back. (ex. Blackhawks, Cubs/Sox jersey) To me, that's respectable. We're not gonna make fun of you. But, the day you show up at the ballpark with the notion "hey, I'm 45, why don't I make a personalized jersey for myself?" is the day your kid calls DCFS and puts himself up for adoption. Editors note: some people say buying the jersey of the manager is off-limits, I say go for it. If I say some geez making his rounds around the streets of the North Side in an Alan Trammel or Matt Sinatro (first base coach) jersey, I would instantly commend that guy for his disingenuity towards the rest of the Cubs roster. Acceptable jerseys for older gentleman might include: Omar Vizquel or Kurt Thomas (depending on how old you are), Ron Santo, Carlton Fisk, Ozzie (player or manager), assorted throwback.

Rule #2: Take off that silly-ass hat. You must understand the importance of this rule probably more so than any other. You must never, under any circumstances, wear a Velcro, camouflage, or off colored team hat. Doing this will instantly put your allegiance to your team into question and you will never be respected in a stadium or at a fantasy football league home draft ever again. Like I said earlier, wearing a Velcro hat has extreme consequences. In wearing a hat clad with the material designed for senior citizen footwear, you leave yourself susceptible to a few very obvious questions. A) Why would you ever voluntarily buy such an atrocity? Were there no buckle or fitted hats in the Hudson News airport store in which you purchased this? B)What goes through your mind every time you hear the Velcro noise to tighten your lid? Remorse? Personal anguish? Complete and total embarrassment? Simply put, Velcro is a few steps below a man wearing a bucket hat with total seriousness who is not on a Great Lakes fishing excursion. As for camouflage, I thought this was a general rule of thumb in all walks of fashion, but as the years go by, ZEPHYR is cranking out more camo hats than the U.S. military. It is imperative to always ask yourself: what is the need for camouflage in sports and/or normal life in general? Unless you are playing in a mid-afternoon competitive paintball tournament at a remote field, you have no reason to be wearing camouflage. This goes for ANY fan of ANY team, and should serve as a note to the San Diego Padres organization for producing these repugnant uniforms. Lastly, we have the off-colored team hat. Although trendy for "hood-rich" rappers and lavish club DJ's, this article of head wear should never be worn at a sporting event. We get it, you're a trendsetter with your light blue Marlins hat or your Fred Durst-esque red Yankee cap, but don't wear it around anyone who hasn't already formulated a negative opinion about you. This includes most major sports venues in the United States. I guess if it's St. Patty's day and you want to wear your green Bulls jersey or rock a green "St. Patrick's Edition" hat of some sort, I suppose you have my blessing for 24 hours. But on March 18, that thing goes back in the vault for another 364 days. No excuses.

Rule #3: Pretty self-explanatory. Once you're over the age of 8 years old, never purchase a foam finger, foam hand, foam paw or any other foam cheering device. Kids love these things, and understandably so. They want something to play with, or something to help them prove they are helping their team win. Let them be kids, buy them a foam paw at a Bears game. But, the second he drops it and you slip that decrepit piece of sports paraphernalia on your hand, you must turn in your manhood at the stadium concourse and buy Under the Tuscan Sun on Blu-Ray DVD. Note to sophomoric and brash children: just because the foam finger is shaped into the middle finger or "shocker" design doesn't make it cool, grow up. Get a clue.

Honorable Mention: Anything with Chinese or Asian lettering, Any all-one-color outfits (includes track suits), face paint (if you even consider it, god bless you)

After most likely never betting on the Cubs again (unless it is a foot long chili dog eating contest and Carlos Silva was in it). I will be trying to take down the L flag and get back on the winning side. With that said, I will take Matt Latos and the San Diego Padres (not in camo unis) over the Los Angeles Dodgers and the arm of former Albuquerque Isotopes hurler Vicente Padilla. (-140). Go get em Pulse Man!

Pick of the Day: San Diego Padres vs. LA Dodgers- PADRES (-140)

Record:(7-5-0)

Also, new ep of the Jersey Shore II tonight. Huge fan of the guidos/guidettes...should be a jubilating 1/2 hour. Gotta love snooks. And lastly, if you haven't laughed in a while, please check out this video of Scott Stapp (lead singer from the alt. rock band Creed) promoting Florida Marlins baseball. "Come on Marlins, make us proud!"