Giving Teahen the Finger

When a Chicago athlete decides to wear the number 23, no matter what the sport or who the athlete, the jersey comes with a level of responsibility that is unmatched by any other numeral in the sports world. Jordan revolutionized this number in sports, more specifically in Chicago, during his 6-ring run in the mid 90's. However, other sports teams in Chicago didn't let the number get tarnished by back-end relievers in baseball or lowly special teams specialists (no pun intended) in football. Sandberg took the honor in stride and became a hall of famer with the 2-3 sewed on his back for 15 years. On the south side, Jermaine Dye who coincidentally looked like "his airness", gave the Sox a few all-star seasons and helped them to a World Series ring wearing the "dos tres" (made that one up). In football, the bears bestowed the illustrious number on the most exciting and illiterate player in the league, Devin Hester. Aside from Hester and his 5th grade reading level, there is only one player in the Windy City who is lucky enough to wear the number nowadays. That player sits in the dugout at US Cellular field and consistently scoops as many sunflower seeds into his mouth as his metal-splinted broken middle finger can manage. The man, the myth, the mediocre--Mark Teahen.

As the year began and Sox fans were clinging on (klingon,get it?) to a promising year with a healthy starting rotation and a possibly potent lineup. They looked to Teahen at the hot corner to provide a solid mid-lineup bat and some defensive prowess. Instead, he brought a royals-esque "losers limp" and some hitting and fielding statistics that wouldn't be able to cast him a role in Freddie Prinze Jr's semi-autobiographical film, Summer Catch. However, as soon as the "mediocre Mark" went down with an injury to his right middle finger, severely hampering his ability to combat verbal lashings from Chicago natives cursing his name around the city, the Sox rattled off a "Little-Big-League-Bill-Heywood-like" win streak that would catapult them into first place. After looking into the man that is Mark Teahen a little deeper, I found out that he might not be playing as well this season because his focus has been diverted away from baseball and into some very strange hobbies. For instance, when i checked Teahen's wikipedia page I realized that his dog, named ESPY, has a twitter account. First off Mark, you really have no chance to ever win, be nominated for, or be invited to the ESPY's unless they create an award for "most forgettable player." So, to name your dog after a sports awards show is a pretty audacious idea. You might want to name your poodle "E-5" or ".255" before you get all overzealous on us naming your dog after an award that you will simply never win. And if the name wasn't bad enough, you opened him a twitter account? Really? How old are you Mark? Were you THAT bored in Kansas City? It's one thing to open your own twitter account and have your only followers be your immediate family (would undoubtedly be the case with Teahen) but to have one for your pet? Not creative, not funny, not hitting .260--thats you Mark, get a grip.

Also it has been well documented that Teahen is an aspiring surgeon. Which to me, is extraordinarily strange. So naturally, when Teahen broke his right middle finger early in the season, he told White Sox management that he was fit to fix it himself. Being the rational enterprise that Major League Baseball is, they respectfully declined. This is a possible letter that was sent to Teahen from MLB commisioner Bud Selig:

Dear Mr. Teahen,
I know you TIVO Grey's Anatomy and HOUSE with your awkwardly attractive wife, and are both avid fans of each series. However, to let you conduct the surgery of your own finger is simply ludicrous. If we let this happen all the time, Albert Belle would have left our sport to become an open heart surgeon in the mid-90's, and Livan Hernandez would be pioneering the development a malaria vaccine in Latin America rather than having a 6.52 ERA. You cannot believe everything you see on TV Mark. I love "Rock of Love" but I haven't been with a woman in over a decade. This is reality. Get a clue, both on the field and in your personal life.

Regards,
Commisioner Bud Selig

At this point you might be thinking, "who saved the south siders?" The answer my friends, came in a very unlikely package. A 43 year old utility infielder with the tightest uniform in the American League. Who would have guessed the man who looks more like a high school hall monitor rather than a future hall of famer would have been the spark to light the fire under the Sox proverbial ass? When anyone holds a job in professional sports for 22 years, you tip your cap to him. Maybe sometime this season Omar might just take off his hairpiece, and tips his cap to himself.

As the arduous season rolls along, we can only hope that Mark Teahen's awkwardly attractive wife rolls up the car window of their leased, 2004 Nissan Maxima on Teahen's finger and shatters the hopes (and maybe a few bones)of any chance that he might return to the lineup this year. Unbeknownst to the White Sox marketing department, the success of this year's team is not black and white, but rather black and blue, like the broken finger of Mark Teahen.

After a recent push in the pick of the day sweepstakes, the Pulse Man is really becoming comforatble in his position and is bringing down the house with his assortment of player props, moneyline bets, and parlays. So for Tuesday night, he has decided to go with the trendy pick and the Major League's most recent sensation, Stephen Strasburg. Strasburg faces one of the best lineups in the National League in the Atlanta Braves, but when Pulse Man is hot (3 game win streak), he stays hot. Trust me, if you don't believe me, ask any female high school graduate of Lake Zurich in 2005 through 2007. Also, he has orchestrated a National League parlay for the day in which he is very confident about. He is taking the Twins over the Royals and the Phillies over the Dan Haren-less Diamondbacks which comes out overall to (+140)

Daily Pick: Braves @ Nationals- NATIONALS (-140)
Parlay: Twins BEAT Royals (moneyline)/ Phillies BEAT Diamondbacks (moneyline)- (+140)

Record: (5-4-0)

Also, special props to Jack G. for helping out with this blog and contributing a significant amoount to it. Even with a full-time logistics job in which he makes $40,000 a year, he still finds time for everyone and everything. Cheers to you Jack, welcome to the bloggosphere.