I'll take a...Winning Combo, Hold the "Sweet Lou" Peppers

Now I'm not going to stand here and say that Lou Piniella's resignation is the only answer that Cub fans were looking for, because it is not. It is simply unfair to blame Lou for the Cubs ineptitude this season, and their failure to win a playoff game in his tenure as Cubs skipper. The man is 67 years old, give him a break. At that age, most men are retired and living life like Morty Seinfeld. Lou, on the other hand, was massaging the egos of over-paid, under-achieving mental-midgets like Carlos Zambrano. A player whose sugar levels and ERA both rise faster than the steam off of a fresh-cooked plate of Mrs. Zambrano's empanadas. I feel bad for Lou, I really do. Imagine waking up for day games, filling out line-up cards, and having to tell Jeff Baker he's pitiful and needs to go back to AAA every other week, all while you're eligible to be collecting social security. Sweet Lou just didn't have it in him anymore. Sometimes you just have to put the past away (and step back from that ledge my friend). In the future, we can look forward to not having to deal with: A)8 minute walks to reach the pitcher in mound visits B) A manager who wears a diaper, and C) sputtering press conferences that sound like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. All that Cubs fans want in their new manager is something authentic and satisfying--something that does the job. This, coincidentally is also what I look for in my order each time I go to Portillo's for lunch. Therefore, I have decided that it is only logical to compare each managerial candidate with a sandwich at Portillo's and let Jim Hendry (hasn't missed too many meals) decide from there.

First off, we have Bob Brenly. He provides the color commentary for Comcast with Len Kasper on TV. He won a World Series with the Diamondbacks in 2001. It's inevitable that he knows his stuff and sitting in a room less than 100 feet away from Ron Santo is scaring the life out of him. He's itching to get back on the field. Scratch that itch Jim Hendry, scratch that itch!
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Combo (Beef and Sausage) with hot and sweet peppers. he is the perfect combination of a winning pedigree with a Cubbie background sprinkled in. He's got the fiery side (hot peppers) and a passion for the game of baseball. Also, he has the charming side (sweet peppers) to shmooze the Chicago media and keep the pressure off of his players in such a hostile environment on the North Side.

Also, we have Joe Girardi. He is currently managing the defending World Series Champs so it goes without saying that he is qualified for the job. Also, Joe went to Northwestern and fulfilled his boyhood dream when he sported the Cubbie blue for a few years in the late 90's. Still, prying Joe from the winningest organization in professional sports to make a fleeting, 9 year old version of himself happy is something that will be extraordinarily hard to do.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH- Big Beef, hot peppers, melted provolone. You know exactly what you're getting with Girardi. You know you're gonna suck down 4 g's of calories and drop an Andrew Jackson at the register when you order a Big Beef, but you get it anyway. Why? Because it's damn good that's why. It's going to be expensive, but it's going to be satisfying. You get what you pay for. In both Major League Baseball, and Chicago restaurant chains.

Next, Ryne Sandberg. He's just about as Chicago as Harry Caray and Jack Brickhouse. He gave you a wonderful decade and a half at second base, and stole the hearts of Cub fans in the process. He's payed his dues in the minors and is ready to get the "call from the pen." However, you don't want to throw him under the bus from Jump St. with a bad team and a payroll as high as a DePaul freshman who just did a couple of whippets in his dorm hall bathroom.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Jumbo Dog w/ everything. He's the fan favorite. The homegrown hero. Ryne Sandberg is to the Chicago Cubs what Hot Dogs are to Chicago. He may never be the best choice on the menu, but he's what put Portillo's on the map. He's cost efficient, marketable, and in the end--always what you asked for. Nothing more, nothing less.

Then, we have Alan Trammel. Sometimes people say you have to throw the baby out with the bathwater (not entirely sure what that means, but I heard a hick say it once.) Since Trammel was the bench coach during the last 3 seasons of mediocrity in Chicago, it's pretty safe to say he doesn't really stand a chance unless everyone else turns them down. But, often times you hear mutterings from inside the Cubs organization that Trammel may just be the man with the perfect temperament to run this whimsical franchise.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Beef and Cheddar Croissant. A sandwich that you can only imagine being pretty average and have never really given deep thought into trying. It kinda tastes like your last meal (Piniella) and you feel like you're wasting a Portillo's trip. It just sounds like a real gamble because you really don't know much about it, you just hear about it here and there.

Lastly, someone that really throws you for a loop. Vince Vaughn. Let's face it, if Vince really coached the Cubs, they'd finish in dead last. Vaughn, looking back on his football days at Lake Forest High School, has dubbed himself as a 'very average' athlete- not to mention that I'm sure whatever general baseball knowledge and situational know-how he once possessed has all but dissolved with each high ball he's tossed back at various Northside watering holes. Vince wouldn't be thinking three batters ahead, wondering what middle reliever he should put in to preserve his 1-run lead as much as he'd be pealing into the players parking lot late in his navy blue canvas-topped Firebird, blasting Social Distortion, slurping the last drops from his Diet Mountain Dew Big Gulp. No doubt his jersey would constantly be un-tucked, he'd proudly sport 5 o'clock shadow for photo-ops, and his between-inning dialogue with his pitcher wouldn't so much be "Can you go one more?" but rather, 'Do you have one more?" (referring, of course, to the pack of Marlboro reds in the center console of Randy Wells' Saab). But hey this is baseball, right? I mean, Mark Grace used to go through heat sticks in the doorway to the clubhouse faster than Moises Alou would go through TP to wipe off his hands (a story for another time). And surely, with Vince at the helm the Cubs would be all-star partiers, trading in game film and scouting reports for a few booths at the Holiday Club for wings, and bottomless pitchers (no pun intended) of 312. He'd keep the media in stitches and the Cubs players protective of their wives- though, ultimately he would keep those who bleed Cubbie blue disappointed. Sorry folks.
PORTILLOS SANDWICH: Italian Beef Party Pack. It's never as good at a grad party as it is inside the restaurant. These are the facts of life.

As for pick of the day, another tough loss last night as the Indians ran past the Twins in the late innings to bust up our parlay. So, if you're keeping track at home, Pulse Man is (0-2) and I'm (2-2). Still, we are a team and although I will tell the media he is struggling, I still support his picks. So today he called in 2 player props that are sure-fire winners. He has Zach Greinke over 5 1/2 strikeouts in the Royals game against the Blue Jays (-120) and Gio Gonzalez (no clue who this is)under 5 K's against the Red Sox at (-130).

Pick(s) of the Day: Greinke over 5 1/2 K's (-120)
Gonzalez under 5 K's (-130)
Record: (2-4-0)