In Da Club wit Da Cubs

Since every day we move closer to October the Cubs lose relevance in the National League, we might as well use the Cubs roster for alternative purposes, like trying to figure out what they do on their days off. Judging by their record, lethargy, and overall incompetence, the Cubs must be out boozing in Chicago on a pretty regular basis. Therefore I have began to create a little compilation of what I think particular Cubs might drink when they go out. I am anticipating some reader feedback (still not sure if I have any readers), so lets go around the horn and buy a round for one of the worst teams in baseball:


Zambrano-By far the easiest. Drinks Sol, not by the glass bottle or the conventional 12 oz. can but rather by way of the 24 oz. industrial size can that you can only buy at Supermarcado. He sits in the players parking lot after games with a rosary around his neck blasting Pitbull and funneling Sol down his throat like he's at a high school post-prom party. Perhaps Zambrano has struggled this year and has blamed his entire life's problems on Derek Lee because he can't seem to get "one, two, three, four, uno, dos, tres, quatro....i know you wantme.." out of his head. Calle ocho to you Carlos, you earned it.


Derek Lee/Marlon Byrd- Essentially the same personality. Trendy black guys that like trendy black things and trendy black drinks. Chances are they both like Jay-Z, Chances are they both order shots of Patron or unnecessarily expensive vodka, Chances are they both suck to hang out with, Chances are one of them is traded by August 1st.


Ryan Theriot- My personal favorite. Probably drinks Bud heavy drafts because they're like $3.00 if the Cubs win. An American guy, supports domestics with the best of em. Chances are he's belly up at the bar listening unenthusiastically to Fontenot complain about his lack of AB's and his lack of decent facial hair. More importantly, Theriot is concerned about growing his soul patch and playing Radiohead on the jukebox while constantly trying to forget that he's on the Cubs.


Starlin Castro- Can he even drink?? Who knows. If so, rail tequila I assume. Probably explains his inconsistent and erratic play in the field.


Aramis Ramirez- A little classier than Zambrano, but his dismal season has forced him to hit the bottle harder and more often than ever. He presumably drinks that dreadful Mexican liqeuor where the lid is a shot glass. Disarrono, I think. He needs to be able to pour those shots fast. He's hitting .203, thats at least 3 K's leading to at least 3 shots a game.



Kosuke Fukudome- Tsingtao. Nuff said. Deja Blue in between drinks to stay hydrated.




Geovany Soto- First off, I'm trying to figure out if him and Carlos Quentin see the same barber, and if so, we should find the barber and send him back to 1992. Both of these idiots look like the 6th member of Menudo. Either way, I see Soto as thinking of himself as the "most interesting catcher in the world" and drinking Dos Equis by the 12 pack. Then, after finishing four of them, getting obnoxiously drunk because of his rapid weight loss, and hitting on a girl he thinks looks like J Lo, but in actuality looks like a Mexican version of the ratty girl from Hung.

Alfonso Soriano-Thought about this one for a while but think I solved the jigsaw that is Alfonso...Mojitos. I can see him just being a sucker for the entire process. Loves paying $12.00 for a drink (Hell, the guy makes more undeserved money than Spencer Pratt), loves being a nuisance to the bartender as mojitos are a great deal of work to make, and lastly, loves toting the line of homosexuality that comes with drinking a mojito. Remember, there has been speculation about Soriano being gay, and I am not combating those speculations.

Sean Marshall- Sean Marshall may seem to possess a prudent, level-headed demeanor, but lets get real. Look Deeper. You KNOW at Virginia Commonwealth he was stumbling into his brown, 3 story shitbox off-campus house (equipped with wood siding and 5 burnout roommates) 2 hours before the first pitch of a Saturday double-header. This guy is no stranger to getting asked to leave John Barleycorn for falling ass backwards into the private party room, reeking like he's been drinking gasoline, asking some rich stockbroker if he can bum a Parliament Light while he ogles the broker's rail-thin girlfriend. Of course, he is also familiar with rolling over in his hotel room in a drunken stooper on a 12 game west coast road trip, and blowing his nose in a shitty, mesh batting practice hat because he is too hungover to gallop to the bathroom for some 5-star, quilted TP. He is also not a stranger to pouring a little Svedka in his Riptide Rush in the bullpen like a freshman coed at a homecoming football game. Some might think "Sean" is an Adonis. Not me, he's a one man party. He wears button down shirts with the top four buttons undone , and dark-washed jeans with vine-like embroidery on the back pockets. You heard it here first. Girls don't really care too much for him because after a few drinks, he starts acting like a frat boy at VCU's flag day parade in mid-July after taking down 12 cans of Natural ICE. Sorry, got a little carried away with Sean. I feel he deserves it after being summoned to the pen while Tom Gorzelanny gets starts.

Carlos Silva-Castrol Syntec Motor Oil

That's all I got, leave comments or something if you have modifications or suggestions about other players.

I will start to leave a daily line betting pick of the day and (or week) whatever and a little rationale behind it. Yes, I will be keeping my own record. Tonight is the all-star game hosted by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim located in the San Bernadino Valley or whomever the refer to themselves as. I like the National League on the money line, look at their pitching staff, are you kidding.

Pick: National League (+107) Moneyline. Record (0-0-0)