First and the Worst

I swear I was getting ready to be done poking fun at Todd Collins and his arthritic back. I wasn't going to ridicule him for his loose-sleeved jersey from the Jeff Hostetler era that only Brett Favre can wear nowadays, and even then you have to be a grandfather who sends illicit PIX messages of his flaccid penis and stumbling, inelegant voicemails to team media personnel in order to make it look presentable. Collins admitted to having one of "the worst games of his career on Sunday afternoon" and he was probably right. Unless he previously registered a QB rating lower than the Cook County sales tax percentage and completed 2/3 as many passes to the wrong team as he did his own, I'd say that Todd's 'self analysis' was pretty on point.

But the bears prevailed based on the fact that they played a team in Carolina that couldn't beat the Jeff Garcia and Maurice Clarrett led Omaha Nighthawks of the UFL the way they played yesterday. Matt Forte chewed up the putrid Panthers D by gaining 188 yards of total offense, and tying the Panthers scoring output for the entire game with one run from scrimmage in the 1st quarter. Granted, the Panthers are a bad team, maybe the worst of teams, but that doesn't change the fact that the Bears are standing alone on top of the NFC North like a stag date at their senior prom. At 4-1 with another abject of a football team awaiting them next on their schedule (Seahawks), the Bears are where nobody they thought they would never be moving forward in the 2nd quarter of the NFL season. Not even a gypsy with a set of tarot cards could have predicted the Packers to be in the shape their in, looking like the Emergency Care Unit at the local infirmary, and the Vikings All-American Boy QB un-zippering the fly of his Wranglers to take cell phone pictures for a girl only 4 years older than his own daughter.

Whatever happens during the rest of the NFL season, nothing can outdo the overall misfortune that has occurred to our rivals and Green Bay, and there is no way that anything can outrival the bizarre circumstances that are occurring in the Twin Cities. From here on out, if the Bears take care of business in the next few weeks against Seattle and Buffalo (blaming Canada is not an excuse to losing to the Bills), it is feasible that they only need to win 3 more games the rest of the year to get them into the playoffs with 9 wins. With the NFC West collectively being as pathetic as pop-singer La Roux's haircut, and the NFC East boasting only a couple of legitimate threats (one of which starts a volatile running back who threw his helmet in the stands and a coach who turns into a human tomato when the temp drops below 50),the Bears can sneak in the backdoor of the playoffs earning one of the two Wild Card positions if they do come apart at the seams like a pair of old Keds in the season's second half. I guess we'll all just hope and play (or hope and pray), the rest of the season.

As for Pick of the Day, the 'Saturday 6 Pack' was again a relative success in the fact that we haven't been shutout completely from covering one of the bets in all of the weeks so far this season. For tonight, the Jets/Vikings game has more subplots than the movie The Social Network and should be an interesting game to watch. Favre has made a career out of overcoming adversity, first with the pain pills, and now with the sex addiction, he is getting more in common with Brett Michaels every day. Add a VH1 miniseries in which he courts a coup of trailer-park prostitutes around Kiln, Mississippi (best pic I've ever found online)bailing hay as he eliminates each girl when they cant run a skinny-post to perfection, they're pretty much the same guy. With that being said, the Pulse Man likes Favre and the Vikes to cover the (4.5) spread in New Jersey tonight.

Pick of the Day: Vikings (+4.5) @ Jets- VIKINGS (-105)

Record:(23-17-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Marri-outed

It can be said without reservation that sports reporter Jay Mariotti can certainly cause a stir. He consistently irks people the wrong way (how many people do you know that enjoy his presence on Around the Horn?) and almost always leaves a trail of controversy and insensitivity behind him to his newest endeavor. When you are as brash and as outspoken as Mariotti is, especially towards the city that you formerly worked in for 19 years, when you get in a Chris Brown/Rihanna-like scuffle at a Hollywood nightclub, you leave yourself susceptible to ridicule like a home desktop leaves itself open to backdoor trojan viruses from streaming live Alexis Texas videos.

Although Mariotti was tenured for 19 years at the Chicago Sun-Times, he repeatedly took the side against the fabled sports franchises from his home city. In fact, the artless columnist once got into a physical altercation with Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson and prompted Ozzie Guillen to feelinglessly refer to him as a "fag". After Mariotti removed himself from the Chicago Sun Times and the city of Chicago altogether for the bright lights and socialite lifestyle in the city of angels, he continues to have his detractors grinning as he finds himself once again in search of another job. Most likely, ESPN will remove his position on Around the Horn and replace him with everyone's favorite braces and ponytail clad African American columnist, Michael Holley. AOL has already said that they are looking into getting the concrete details of the altercation before they make a decision on Mariotti's ultimate future at the internet company. So, in other words, as soon as they find out that Mariotti drowned his self-depression in 12 Tom Collins mixers, proceeded to try to give his wife an indian burn until she became absolutely mortified and frightened, and then finally found himself handcuffed in the back of a squad car with a .21 BAC, AOL's decision will ultimately be made for itself.

After Mariotti posts his $50,000 and finds himself riding the unemployment line with Rex Grossman after he gets cut from the Redskins next week, he will no longer have the money to maintain his highway robbery Hollywood lifestyle, or move back to Chicago and live off the Wildorf Salad at the Wildfire Restaurant in Schaumburg. It's safe to say at this point that Jay Mariotti's credibility has sunk to the level of Chumlee from Pawn Stars and that finding a new job in the journalism industry is going to be about as likely Joakim Noah NOT purchasing drug paraphernalia and the Ziggy Marley vinyl from some random smoke shop in Lombard. The truth is, Mariotti will no longer be hearing the soothing sounds of a mariachi band when he takes his wife out for a Mexican dinner, he will instead be hearing the extended silence of a single twin bed room at the Courtyard by Marriott, good luck Mariott-i.

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man finally got stung by the hair of the dog that bit him as his hometown Chicago White Sox dropped the game he liked them in against the Twins last week. Today, he has shifted his focus to preseason Monday Night Football and likes Matt Leinart, his beer bong, and Larry Fitzgerald to cover the 4 point cushion they have been given against the Tennessee Titans. They are getting pretty good odds at (+170) and should be a thrilling and invigorating 3 hours of preseason football. It feels great to get started with the football bets this season.

Pick of the Day: Cardinals vs. Titans- CARDINALS +4 (+170)

Record: (11-10-0)