Today, not neccessarily July 11th, but rather the day after the MLB All-Star game is unique to any other day on the 12 month calendar in the sports world. You can almost hear Jim Nantz in his Master's voice articulating, "...a tradition unlike any other" as the camera scrolls across Augusta National to the tune of a light, harmonic piano. It's exclusivity from the rest of the calendar originates because it marks the only day each year in which no professional sports are taking place. Across America, you'll see strange things--grown men watching two-hour, "The Guys Tell All" reunion specials of The Bachelorette, sushi restaurants filled to capacity, and the ticket line for Magic Mike winding out the corner of the theater.
With no professional sports on the horizon for 24 hours, it seemingly marks the perfect day to address the state of all of Chicago's beloved sports teams. In typical Chicago Sports Noise fashion, I have decided to do so in a less than normal, but hardly original way. Thus, we will take a look at all things Chicago through the lens of a male in a budding relationship with a female. Seeing how as I have little to no experience in this field and haven't been a part of a functional relationship in some time, these comparisons may be muddled, irrelevant, confusing, but should serve as nonetheless entertaining. In a roundabout sort of way, this is an implicit attempt to remove myself from any remnant of a female following that once existed. For all intensive purposes, let's refer to the male in the case of the following situations as "Chico".
Chicago Bulls- Chico finds himself with his longtime girlfriend on the physical intimacy shelf (I came up with that term myself) with mononucleosis. Their past has been spectacular; Chico's girlfriend, in this case, Rosaline, can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. She cleans up nice, but can still cut it in the sweats and also lets Chico have the freedom to roll with the fellas every now and then. There's no way Chico is leaving Rosaline, but what the hell is he going to do for the next few months while she's on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list? If he tries to bring her out too early her spleen is susceptible to a rupture, but if he tastes too much of the outside world, he just might lose The One. If Chico were a smart man, he might have to indulge himself in a few girls nights. Not reruns of 27 Dresses on CW, but rather things like casual dinner dates with her friends, afternoon matinees, walks, things like that. Nurture the relationship, Chico. Before you know it, she'll be back to full-operation.
Chicago Blackhawks- Chico finds himself in a tough spot here. He's not where he used to be with the females (first round playoff loss)--a bit of a cold streak if you will. Years back he was can't miss. Hitting on girls in bars, ATM vestibules, El Stops. The guy was a real-life Jerry Seinfeld. Now, he finds himself readily single, but with a risque option on the table. Chico's rival from across town in high school recently split up with his girlfriend (Goalie Roberto Luongo), and she is canoodling around town like she's in a bad episode of Bad Girls Club. Chico knows he could close this, but what expense will this leave him with? He knows the chick is expensive and doesn't know if his billfold can handle the late nights click-clacking through the ritz of River North in her high-fashion pumps (Luongo will need a big deal to sign with the Hawks). If he gets her, sure it'll be great for a night, a weekend, or perhaps a month, and it will eat at his rival like when Costner closes Rene Russo over Don Johnson at the close of Tin Cup, but is the juice worth the squeeze? Metaphorically, of course.
Chicago White Sox- Make or break territory, Chico. Tough sledding. Chico's on date #3 with Whitney, a girl who he out-kicked his coverage to land in the first place, but he admits he has been on point in rounds 1 and 2 (first half of the season). Free-flowing convo, picking up tabs, playful, flirty humor--he's been an all-star. But, that conversational wall is lurking on the horizon and nobody can ever tell how far it is ahead of Chico's line of sight. Sure, he's got confidence, but will it last? What will he do in heeding the unforgivable awkward silence? From personal experience, this is exactly where the fold occurs. Can Chico make it, or will Whitney's ex (the Tigers) and his starch-washed Oxford shirts from J. Crew prove to be too much to handle. Only time will tell, Chico. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Chicago Cubs- This is all a trust game, Chico (Cubs with Epstein). Let her go on that vacation to the Virgin Islands. She's either going to cheat on you (another slew of horrible contracts for the Cubs and he moves back to Boston), or your patience with her will become fruitful in the long run. You invested in her and now you're pot-committed. I know it's hard to hang out with all these losers currently (the Cubs' atrocious lineup). Just wait and see what the fruits of your labor look like in a few years.
Chicago Bears- You got a hot babe, Chico. But, the fact of the matter is, your best friend's is hotter (Green Bay Packers). You tried to go slumming a little bit and prove that you guys are bigger party animals (pick up convicts like Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey), but your best friend's girl (insert Rick Springfield joke here) has been bringing the heat for years now. Also, your girl needs to get in the gym and tighten up that body (sign Forte NOW), or you're going to get passed up like you're standing still. All you can do is hope their relationship hits some rough patches and gets stale while you two look for the nearest karaoke bar to cover "I Got You, Babe" like Sonny and Cher.
Illinois Basketball/Illinois Football- In both cases, Chico is embarking on blind dates (new coaches). Although the show on UPN Power 50 would suggest otherwise, these hardly work out. Plus, the way these potential dates were described to you by the matchmaker were less than ideal (two Simpleton coaches from mid-majors in Ohio). Maybe you can catch a flash in the pan and find the spark, but it's a rainy night and you have a book of matches with about 3 to spare. Good luck.
As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the favorite and was bit last by the NL staff that conglomerated for a shutout of a vicious AL All-Star lineup. Since there are no games today, he has the day off. He deserves it.
Now I'm done. Rack Me.
Frost
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