Candy Kane

Self-admittedly, I don't know much about hockey. Foreign people love it, it involves a puck, fighting and a lot of people with short-tempers. For all I know, it might as well be the Real World: San Francisco. That is why before I write a blog on the Blackhawks, I usually consult someone who is well-versed in "the coolest game on earth". In this case, it was my main man, Ryan "Little League" Lind, a former hard hitting captain of the LZHS hockey club, that was referenced as the know-all in all things stick and puck. So in talking to Little League, it was apparent that he was understandably frustrated with the underachieving Hawks squad in 2011. Amongst other things, he mentioned to me how undervalued their 3rd line 'energy guys' were from a year ago (Sopel, Eager, Burish), and how much they miss Niemi in between the pipes. But most of all, they miss the Patrick Kane of old.

Even after watching Kane net the game-winning shootout goal with a pretty, stick side deke move in which he stole from Charlie Conway, it only salvaged his terrible overtime period. Kane was all over the ice in the extra frame, and I don't mean that in a complimentary way. He was loose with the puck, almost careless at times, and turned the puck over more times than an undercooked turkey burger. I know he missed some time recently due to illness and had to get some reps to wear off the rust, but 88 looked off on Sunday.

I'm not going to sit here and chastise Kane for supposedly being out slammin' sangria and sexting slam pieces on the night when he was supposedly ill. I don't care about that at all. He's 22 and has enough money to buy a round of shots for every person who resides in Estonia (who coincidentally love hockey), he's going to do what he wants. He's a frat boy with deep pockets and two sisters that are absolute dimes. So take your shirt off, beat the piss out of an innocent cabbie over the cost of a chiclet, chug Busch Lights incessantly in front of children that idolize you--I don't give a rip--live the life you love, Kaner. I have to say though, it was a lot easier to put up with his off-the-ice antics and write them off as cute when he was producing points. Now that he's been force fed 'Chicago sports icon' status, people are now starting to see Kane as an overpaid ($31.5 contract), under-producing (43rd and 37th in the league in goals and assists respectively) punk.

In his defense, nobody is having a good year. Duncan Keith has been almost as bad as his haircut and Hossa has missed a lot of ice time. Is Kane entitled to a, dare I say it, "hangover" season? He consistently came up huge for the Hawks a year ago and helped deliver their first Cup since JFK established the Peace Corps in '61. I suppose so. But what PK needs to do is help us help him. Stop pulling Ferris Bueller sick days and turning in a thermometer to Coach Q that you just nuked under your hotel lamp. Keep your sweater on and show up on the daily...show some accountability. If you do that, then we'll put up with your Tara Reid headlines that you produce on the weekends. At least you're producing something.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man was burned by Harvard Friday night and looks to President's Day as the stage to get back on track. For the Head of State holiday and in honor of Ryan "Little League" Lind, the Pulse Man likes Little League's alma mater, the Western Michigan Broncos to take care of business at home against Kent St. It's a pick 'em affair in Kalamazoo.

Pick of the Day: Kent St. @ Western Michigan (pick 'em)- WESTERN MICHIGAN

Record:(56-40-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

On the Heir

Replacing a legend is no easy task. Just ask Chris "Izzy" Cole, Mark Wahlberg's character in Rock Star, who failed to live up to the hype Bobby Beers set forth as the front man of Steel Dragon. If that comparison doesn't do much for you, how about Tony Batista? Never heard of him? That's probably because he hasn't done a damn thing since taking over for Cal Ripken at third base in Baltimore in 2001. Quite frankly, neither have the Orioles. It's usually the same story: the Dolphins after Marino, the Celtics after Bird (the Dana Barros era), the Bills after...well, the 90's, etc. Granted, all of these instances are cases of on-field heroes; people who were directly involved with the outcome of the game. Even so, replacing a voice that transpires the game for a collection of people can be a task equally as daunting. A voice that people have familiarized a team with, a voice that has encapsulated a history of torment so deep, so ingrained in people's cultures that it has shaped their summers for a century.

This is exactly the predicament that Keith Moreland walks into. If you're my age, chances are the only time you've heard Moreland's name mentioned, if ever, was when he was immortalized in Steve Goodman's "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request" with the inciting line, "have Keith Moreland drop a routine fly." We grew up with Ron coming through the speakers of our car stereos. Even during the last years when Santo was really sick, he showed up to the ballpark most of the time. In his own right, Ron Santo was like Kurt Cobain during his final years of life in the mid 90's--he was sick, literally killing himself by showing up to perform, but you could never question the passion involved in his final product. Deservingly enough, they both had loyal followings that were heartsick to see them go.

Enter 'Zonk', the 56 year old Texan corner outfielder who helped the Cubs garner the 1984 NL East crown. The bad news, of course, is the aforementioned notion that he is replacing the irreplaceable. The good news is that he's sharing a booth with one of the best in sports. Honestly, Pat Hughes is as smooth as The Situation in the 'smush room' or the vocals on Norah Jones' first LP, whichever you prefer. It would be hard for Rosie Perez to screw up a Pat Hughes broadcast, so Moreland just needs to sit back, do his thing, and add some of the rhyme to the recipe that made Santo so beloved by generations of Cub fans--the color.

So when Pat asks Keith to "tell us about Paul Maholm, Zonk" on opening day, I wouldn't be disappointed or shocked to hear the following:

"To tell you the truth, Pat, I haven't seen much of Maholm during my drop-in substitutions for Bob Brenly while he was vacationing in Boca Raton last year. So, all I really know is what I have here on this sheet in front of me that was just made by a 24 year old intern named Tony from Melrose Park less than 12 minutes ago. Considering he's a Pirate and would rather be laying carpet (literally, not figuratively. Pervert), I would venture to say that Maholm throws an array of absolutely average pitches that the Cubs $100 million lineup should tee off on. Then again, it's opening day and look where we are...Wrigley Field in April, Pat. Anything is plausible."

Good luck to you, Keith. Godspeed. And may the summer winds of Wrigleyville be always at your back.

As for Pick of the Day, the Hawkeyes came through at Welsh-Ryan for the Pulse Man as he extended his winning streak to 3. For the weekend, since the NBA All-Star break is among us, the Pulse Man shifts gears to Ivy League basketball and likes Chris Wroblewski's Cornell squad to cover the 4.5 cushion they're getting at home against Harvard.

Pick of the Day: Harvard @ Cornell (+4.5)- CORNELL

Record:(56-39-0)

Also, I'd like to send a special plug to a friend of mine who is playing basketball professionally across the pond, Mr. Zach Kelly. As a former member of the Glenbrook North Spartans state champion squad in '05 and subsequently the team that knocked off the highly touted Lake Zurich Bears in 2006, I was reluctant to give Zach his fair share of recognition. But with Spring in the air, Chicago Sports Noise has decided to let its guard down and give Zach the notoriety he deserves. Check out Zach's blog (www.puttingtheproinsemipro.blogspot.com) for incriminating photos of fellow GBN alumnus, Sean Wallis. Also, for some more high comedy, check out ZK's team website (http://www.bradforddragons.co.uk/index.html) and don't forget to make a trip to the infamous "Dragon Store". I made a few purchases that I'll probably regret.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Marmol-ade

As the always intelligible Lil' Kim stated in her verse for the smash hit, 'Lady Marmalade', "hey sistas, soul sistas, bettah get dat dough, sista!" And that's exactly what Carlos Marmol did. The Cubs and their closer completed a deal Monday morning that will keep Marmol a member of the Cubs for the next 3 seasons at a reported price of $19 million altogether. Fine by me. After setting the K/9 record (nothing to do with dogs) at 16 per, making the All-Star team and plunking more batsmen than a disgruntled teen in Triple Play '99, it's the least we could do for the guy. A 3 year deal is perfect for Marmol, and the price, to me is irrelevant. Someone would have paid him if we didn't, so why not pony-up and cut the check for a man whose right arm is seemingly made out of the same rubbery material as Mick Jagger's entire lower body?

Why is 3 years perfect instead of a 6 or 7 year 'hockey deal' you might ask? Because the shelf life of a closer, especially in the National League, is roughly around 3 years. Give or take a few. These aren't air-tight bags of rice or cans of tuna in your maple cupboard, these are human beings who have to deal with the emotional and physical stress of only appearing when they are susceptible to screwing up. Remember what happened to Eric Gagne? In a few years, Brian Wilson's beard will be the same as Robbie Hummel's sideburns--non-existent and completely irrelevant. That's just the nature of the beast with these guys.

The back-end of the Cubs bullpen looks good to me though, and I mean that in the most non-sexual way possible. If Kerry Wood can be a consistent set-up man from the right side and my main man Sean Marshall can deal from the left, the Cubs seem to have a nice path to get to our 28 year old, Dominican closer with Reggie Miller's ears in the 9th inning. Building a lead? Now that might be a problem.

The year Marmol put together in 2010 was truly something spectacular. As I mentioned earlier, he broke some records, buckled some knees and held opponents to a .154 clip against him. Granted, he's going to issue 3 consecutive free passes on occasion and cause every octogenarian Cub fan to fall into cardiac arrest. But most of the time, he finds his way out of it in the most exhilarating fashion possible (3 straight K's). Whether it be with his frisbee slider or with his tailing fastball, Carlos makes professional hitters look those poor 11 year old kids who had to spend the summer of 2001 trying to touch a fastball from a kid 5 years their senior (Danny Almonte). I'm glad he's locked up. Marmol, not Almonte.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man took the OVER in the Cavs/Clips tilt on Friday night and they covered by almost 40 points. What a game it was. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes Kansas St. getting 6 points at home in the Little Apple against in-state rival Kansas. If nothing else, Frank Martin's neck veins should be fun to watch.

Pick of the day: Kansas @ Kansas St. (+6)- KANSAS ST.

Record:(53-39-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

These Hills Have Eyes

As bizarre and outlandish as this metaphor might seem at first, the 2011 Chicago Blackhawks are Heidi Montag (or Heidi Pratt if you want to get technical). Before you all go running to the hills (no pun intended), hear me out for a second. At one time, Heidi was a fresh-faced, sincere starlet with delicate features and a cup size that wasn't halfway through the English alphabet (I know she had aspirations to become an H, don't ask me how I know that). She was the 'girl next door' type of teenager who wowed viewers with her natural beauty and her laughable IQ score that presumably peaked somewhere in the mid 70's. Now, she's neck deep in regret and saddled with the scars of two years worth of dumbfounding decisions. As for the Blackhawks, they were on top of the world (Stanley Cup/Season 2 of The Hills), then ditched the talent around them that they previously thought was disposable (Byfuglien, Versteeg, Niemi/Lauren, Lo, Audrina) and are now a couple of injuries away from breaking down completely (Heidi's surgery scars + divorce from Spencer = the end of Speidi/Toews and Kane both injury plagued= the end of the 2011 Blackhawks).

Last year, although the Hawks didn't always look like the future Stanley Cup champs throughout the season, you knew they had the talent to be able to pack-rat their pieces in time for a magical playoff run. This year, it just doesn't seem as if that's the case. The Hawks are vulnerable--in net, behind the blue line and even on the offensive side of the ice. A year ago, the Hawks were phenomenal at putting teams away early and holding their foot over their opponent's trachea for the rest of the game as they skated to 2 and 3 goal wins. Now, even when the Blackhawks muster a strong first period resulting in an early advantage, they surrender to their opponent easier than Cameron did to Ferris Bueller.

With that being said, it was nice to get a win over the rival Detroit Red Wings on Saturday. Taking a game away from Detroit considering what else that city deals with as far as sports is downright cruel. Honestly, that's like stealing lunch money from a kid when you know his parents just got divorced and his sister is turning tricks to keep the family home from foreclosing. But, even blind squirrels find nuts, and although I've never been a huge proponent of those lame expressions that your old man always says, it holds true in this case.

As for Pick of the Day, after being crucified by Jimmer the first time around, The Pulse Man looks to the Mormon Prince to slay the undefeated dragon that is San Diego State Wednesday night. In Jimmer we trust.

Special thanks to the "Wizard of Wheaton" for her contributions to this blog. She is the first woman to ever be a contributor for Chicago Sports Noise, so she's technically Martha Washington, Jackie Robinson and Anne Frank all rolled into one. Congrats.

Pick of the Day: SDSU @ BYU (-5)

Record:(48-35-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Right-Hand Men

After the Bears' overachieving 2010-2011 season came to a disheartening end on Sunday afternoon and sparked the Twit-world into a frenzy, it is now time to refocus our frustration to Clark and Addison St. No, I don't mean go to Wrigleyville and drown your sorrows in $6 draft beers from Murphy's Bleachers, a place where I'm pretty sure I saw a kid without a middle school diploma sneak by the bouncer on one occasion. I mean Cubs baseball. As we sit through another February in the Windy City, scraping the windshields of our frozen mid-size sedans and wrapped up in scarves shielding the frigid air like we're Oliver Twist, Cubs baseball is on the minds of many. But in thinking about the Cubs comes the constant questioning of their motives in the front office. Already in 2011, the Cubs have signed Matt Garza, a promising, relatively young smoke-thrower from Tampa Bay, but then had to trade Tom Gorzelanny, an Evergreen Park, IL (Marist High School) native who actually did a decent job stopping the incessant bleeding during 4-6 game skids a year ago. So now the Cubs have a 5 man starting rotation that is without a southpaw (Zambrano, Wells, Garza, Silva, Dempster) in a division that is strung with mostly right-handed hitting dominance (Pujols, Braun, Holliday), but still boasts some left-handed power (primarily Votto and Fielder). All I'm saying is, eventually the Cubs will need someone who can deal from the first base side of the rubber. Now, whether or not that opportunity falls on the shoulders of my favorite Cub, Sean Marshall, or some shmohawk we pick up from a designated assignment with the Altoona Curve (a real AA affiliate of the Pirates) remains to be seen. In case your forgot about how we here at CSN feel about Sean Marshall, let me refresh your memory with this tidbit that was written in July of 2010.

"Sean Marshall- Sean Marshall may seem to possess a prudent, level-headed demeanor, but lets get real. Look Deeper. You KNOW at Virginia Commonwealth he was stumbling into his brown, 3 story 'should-be-condemned' off-campus house (equipped with wood siding and 5 burnout roommates) 2 hours before the first pitch of a Saturday double-header. This guy is no stranger to getting asked to leave John Barleycorn for falling ass backwards into the private party room, reeking like he's been drinking gasoline, asking some rich stockbroker if he can bum a Parliament Light while he ogles the broker's rail-thin girlfriend. Of course, he is also familiar with rolling over in his hotel room in a drunken stooper on a 12 game west coast road trip, and blowing his nose in a shitty, mesh batting practice hat because he is too hungover to gallop to the bathroom for some 5-star, quilted TP. He is also not a stranger to pouring a little Svedka in his Riptide Rush in the bullpen like a freshman coed at a homecoming football game. Some might think "Sean" is an Adonis. Not me, he's a one man party. He wears button down shirts with the top four buttons undone, and dark-washed jeans with vine-like embroidery on the back pockets. You heard it here first. Girls don't really care too much for him because after a few drinks, he starts acting like a frat boy at VCU's flag day parade in mid-July after taking down 12 cans of Natural ICE. Sorry, I got a little carried away with Sean. I feel he deserves it."

For what it's worth, I'm still optimistic for the 139th season of Chicago Cubs baseball. Maybe that's because they haven't even played in a Spring Training game yet, or maybe it's because it's 10:15 AM on a Tuesday and I'm writing blogs for free and desperately need something bigger than my body to consume my free-time. Either way, we got some oldies but goodies (Kerry Wood and Reed Johnson) back for a second go-round with the Northsiders this year and a few free agents (Pena and Garza) who are used to playing in a dome named after an Orange Juice manufacturer and a skipper with horned rimmed specs. It can only go up from here.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man will take the Boilers tonight (+8) in Value City Arena against the #1 team in the land. Personally, I think U of I should have clipped the Buckeyes on Saturday, but it's not always Wine and Swiss in the Big 10, sometimes you have to gnaw on the bread and butter for a while to get your meal. Boiler UP Also, I just recently saw the UCONN/Marquette spread, which is set at MU (-4.5), and nearly caused me to scream an obscenity at my desktop comp. So, if you want to get paid, I advise you to bet on both games. If you want to get greedy, go ahead and parlay the two, I still like your odds.

Pick(s) of the Day: Purdue(+8)@ Ohio State- PURDUE
UCONN (+4.5)@ Marquette- UCONN

Record:(47-34-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost