Where Have All The Cub-boys Gone?

"Where is my John Wayne,
Where is my prairie song,
Where is my happy ending,
Where have all the cowboys gone?" Paula Cole, 2001

2001 was a great year, maybe the best of years. I was a 13 year old 7th grader fully clad in "AF-1892" gear, equipped with a choker-style, pooka shell necklace and the notion that Rob Thomas was a reasonably good recording artist. It really is amazing what nearly ten years can do. Still, 9 years ago the Cubs were relatively in the same position they are now. Stuck in the muddle of losing games and sub-par seasons with possibly the most marketable and lucrative franchise in pro sports, searching for that elusive pennant. As we entered the new millenium (or should i say, Willenium), Cub fans latched on to a ray of hope that some analysts called the best draft class the Cubs had ever seen. The first year player entry draft is the ultimate crapshoot in pro sports--drafting dominican, japanese, and venezuelan prospects, not to mention your average 18 year old domestic, high school graduate who still rocks braces. Nevertheless, there was something special about this draft class from top to bottom. Anchored by the flawless mechanics and horse-like lower body of Mark Prior, the Cubs had their ace of the future. No one, not even the pessimistic minded North Side faithful could foresee the tragic casualties of this draft as each player left the team in search for greener pastures, and a chance to at least have a shot at winning something.

First, the most recent 2001 draftee to be shipped out of town--Ryan Theriot. As I personally wept because I no longer have the Cubs jersey of an active player, Theriot happily packed his Samsonites and moved out west to LA to chase bimbos with Brody Jenner. After establishing himself as the Cubs' most consistent hit-for-average guy in the past 3 years, at the first sign of struggle, Jim Hendry gave him a $200 gift card to Sunglass Hut and sent him and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (real name) to the contending Dodgers for Blake DeWitt. Money-saving deal...maybe, giving away your most consistent leadoff bat and a crafty left-handed journeyman starter who is arguably the Cubs' most consistent starter (who else would you say?) is a difficult deal to swallow. Maybe even more so for a Theriot jersey owner. With all that being said, Theriot must return his "Free Sangria for Life" coupon to Bar Celona in Lakeview and leave his 2nd base position and Remington MB-9000 High-Precision Beard and Mustache Trimmer to two of the worst major league baseball players in the live ball era--Jeff Baker and Mike Fontenot.

Next, you know that guy who plays shortstop for the Cardinals who looks like he got his hair cut by those mini Fiskars scissors you buy in a 5th grade school supplies kit? You may or may not recognize that player as former Cubs draft pick, Khalil Greene. Had Khalil ever been called up to the big club, you might have found him on the corner of Armitage Ave. selling drug rugs or quitting baseball altogether to open up his own Ron Jon Surf Shop in Bridgeport. In the end, the Cubs realized that Khalil Greene would be nothing more than a prototypical mid-80's shortstop that would be a career .230 hitter and opted to hold onto Alex Gonzalez, who proceeded to boot the Cubs' pennant dreams into right field along with that inning ending double-play ball in Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. So, he was moved to San Diego for a few prospects and a bootlegged copy of the bonus tracks on Jack Johnson's first CD.

Then, we have the always unpredictable arm of Sergio Mitre (pronounced Meat-Tray) who consistently served up meat (no pun intended) to every division foe for the better part of 4 years. He has now caught on with the Yankees and is in the hunt for a World Series ring this October. However, I have never underestimated Sergio Mitre's impact on my life as it has given me the opportunity to say "Oh, you brought Sergio along? How long can he go today?" every time I see a young couple bring a meat and cheese antipasto tray to a graduation/birthday party.

Lastly, we have the highly touted and 2001 first round draft pick of the Chicago Cubs: Mark Prior. We thought he would last forever based on his calves that looked like they were massaged with fabricated milk on a daily basis, and his blazing fastball that carried the Cubs to the 2003 NLCS. Little did we know, he was simply the poster child pitcher of the steroid era and now his calves have shriveled up to the same size as Nicole Richie's thighs. Prior looked like he was in stride to become the next Roger Clemens for the Cubs. Then, a quirky, nerd, ad executive named Steve Bartman decided to pay $250 for a single lower level seat, dress in a turtleneck like it's 1994, and bring a walkman to the game so he could listen to Ron Santo's insightful analysis?!? Only the Cubs. Prior to this (no pun intended, once again), nobody had envisioned Prior would be splitting rent with a 28 year old, divorced mother of 3 in an apartment in rural San Diego. I can just see him wearing his old Cubs bullpen jacket and wrapping his arm in an icy hot sleeve after he paints their bonus room. What a travesty.

The only player left from this 2001 draft class is Geo Soto, the incompetent catcher whose haircut lends itself to a Mexican version of Boy Meets World's Sean Hunter. After a promising rookie of the year campaign in 2008 at the ripe old age of 28, he has disappointed the Cubs with his weight-loss (who wants a skinny catcher?), sub .270 batting average, and choice of decent catcher's gear. This isn't Star Wars soto, get a clue.


As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man endorses the sure right arm of Oakland's Vin Mazzaro against the lowly Kansas City Royals and their refurbished Bullpen due to recent injuries and trades. He likes them winning by more than 1.5, so don't waste your nickles and dimes on the moneyline. Also, props to Pulse Man for correctly calling the pick of the day yesterday as he reiterated his hatred for Randy "Marlboro Red" Wells as he imploded once again in the Cubs pathetic 18-1 loss to their division rival. It simply wasn't posted because there was no blog.

Pick of the Day: Kansas City Royals @ Oakland A's- A'S (-1.5) (+115)

Record: (8-5-0) 6 out of his last 7 if you're keeping track