Hitch Route

In the day and age when people are either staying up or waking up to catch some live nuptials in HD, it is only fitting that the Bears' high-profile QB is walking the plank that leads only to disgruntled monogamy. After being the fall guy for the Bears playoff loss in 2010, he can now rest assured that he is the rebound guy in the post-Justin Bobby era therefore acquiring his "sloppy seconds" (anyone who uses this phrase officially sucks, including me).

To be honest, I wish there were a live telecast of the heartfelt vows between Jay and Kristin. I mean, if Jay can't get amp'd on the sidelines rooting for his team to take the NFC title, how do you think he'll react in uttering "in sickness and in health." My prediction: comatose stoicism in it's purest form.

Think about the bride's side of the guest list at this ceremony--Audrina, LO, Stephen Colletti and the all-too infamous Stacey The Bartender (her title has become a proper noun, hence the capitalization). If I'm Greg Olsen, I am not staggering to my hotel alone under any circumstances.

Essentially, this is going to be a glorified Senior Prom. Amidst all of the swirling rumors in People magazine about potential +1's and recent breast augmentation procedures, the fact that Jay Cutler is tying himself down to one of the most abrasive, catty women in reality television history is somehow disguised.

Believe it or not, I am not certified to predict the success of relationships like a 22-year old version of the effervescent Maury Povich, but aren't these two a match made in proverbial hell? A discreetly chubby, punk QB who is about as welcoming and personable as a jail cell wall marrying a Laguna Beach-bred, quarrelsome socialite whose career and job description can be encapsulated into one word--starlet.

Can anyone else see Kristin ripping a dozen Newport menthols on the daily once her and Jay begin to disagree over what color to paint their bonus room? It's inevitable. When you combine two stubborn people in marriage it usually ends in two things: fire and powder, and ultimately divorce, so I guess three.

A 'Star' is Born

Normally, when a 21 year-old stencils his name in urine on his neighbor's vinyl siding and is cited by the local police, people write it off as kids being "too young to know any better." Similarly, when you've recently turned 21, classifying you as the youngest player in the Majors and you're hitting .418 through the season's first three weeks, I guess you're also "too young to know any better."

As much as the Cubs' starting pitching this season has been as infuriating as an octogenarian breaking your cruise control on the Kennedy, Castro has been absolutely incredible. In the Cubs' recent trip to Colorado, a state conducive to hitting and "coexisting", Castro flourished by amassing 7 hits in the series' final two games.

In fact, the fresh-faced infielder who was born in 1990 already has six 3-hit games on the young season. In case you're not a Cubs historian, that's the most in the first fifteen games of the year since Clarence Birdseye's advent of a process for frozen food in 1925. That's right, the last time someone was making as much music as Castro in the batters box through the first three weeks, George Gershwin was writing 'Rhapsody in Blue'.

Ever since Quade inserted the north side's newest 'Star' into the lead-off spot, he has accepted the invitation graciously by going 18-32 with 8 runs, 2 doubles and 2 triples. I could sit here and spew stats at you until you're Cubbie blue in the face, but that is besides the point. The fact of the matter is, #13 is the April MVP of the National League (like anybody cares). Even more impressively, Castro has a knack for providing clutch hits and seeing-eye singles in pivotal moments of the game. It's not like Sammy Sosa cranking moonshots when the Cubs are either up by a touchdown or down by a decade on the stadium scoreboard. As of this season, he has been impervious to pressure and it has rewarded him by placing his name amongst the top 5 in the NL in runs.

The fact that he was barely recognizable in Wrigleyville last season is now a thing of the past. Now, Starlin is going to have to fend off more hangers-on with his boyish jive-talk than Tahj Mowry after Smart Guy blew up.

By no means am I predicting that Castro will continue his dominance into a .400 season or an MVP campaign, but when the player on your team with boatloads of potential is making the most out of his opportunities, it is refreshing. And for a Cub fan, it's unusual.

As for Pick of the Day, The Pulse Man likes the Pacers and the near dozen-point cushion they are being allotted in the Madhouse. By no means are either of us rooting for Psycho T, but a cover wouldn't be the end of the world.

Pick of the Day: Pacers (+11) @ Bulls- PACERS

Record:(64-52-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Thorn in Our Side

How many top ten singles did Natalie Imbruglia produce? How many movies has Brett Favre scored a cameo in? How many songs by The Fugees can you sing by heart? If you haven't found the commonality in these questions just yet, this might make it a bit easier for you: how many pitches does Matt Thornton have?

You guessed it, one. What's ironic about the Sox closer having only one pitch is that when he comes in, Ozzie and Co. have rarely been able to say that their team has demonstrated the other usage of the hononymic word (won) based on what the scoreboard reads after he leaves.

Truth be told, Three Dog Night may have said it best, "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever see." Take for example, #37 in black. Where has the old reliable number 1 dangling below Pierzynski's junk gotten him? Well, for starters (no pun intended to relievers), Thornton blew his 3rd save of 2011 Wednesday afternoon and left Sox fans scratching their heads and frantically calling 670 The Score for psychoanalytic analysis on their commute home.

As far as loneliness goes, there isn't a soul around to comfort Thornton on his isolated island over the left field wall at U.S. Cellular Field. One...two...three strikes. You're out, out of a job that is.

With all of these theatricals unfolding on the South Side, no man in baseball is more content than the blonde-bearded blimp in Boston. Not only did the White Sox choose to let go of Big Bobby Jenks, who looked the part of the quintessential closer more than anyone, but he was also the subject of Oney Guillen's harassment on Twitter. Bad karma, Oney. Bad karma indeed.

As I mentioned before, what is strangely ironic about the Sox's switch in late-game relief is that they have shifted from a guy who fit the closer's role to a T to a guy who looks as out of place as Sinaedo Connor at the Vatican.

Thornton, from what I can tell in interviews seems to posses a level-headed and mild-mannered demeanor, which is far from the stereotype of your everyday closer. Normally, we see a pitcher on the mound in the 9th who's acting like he's four rows back and forty beers deep at a Godsmack concert.

And, perhaps most importantly, Thornton doesn't rock a trace of facial hair. No goatee, no broom mustache, no pencil-thin chinstrap, nothing! How does he expect to close games successfully when his facial follicle repertoire can't even prove he has graduated from adolescence.

However uncharacteristic he may be on the bump, the fact remains--he has one pitch. According to baseball-reference.com, Thorny throws gas over 90% of the time. I don't care how fast it's moving or where you can put it, big league hitters are going to figure something out. In time, hopefully the Sox can too.

As for Pick of the Day, The Pulse Man's pick was postponed last night as he looked to make it 2 straight wins. For tonight, The Pulse Man likes former-Cub, Ted Lilly and the LA Dodgers to take down the defending World Series Champs in the city by the bay.

Pick of the Day: Dodgers (Lilly) @ Giants (Sanchez)- DODGERS (+134)

Record:(64-51-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Forgetting Sean Marshall

Just in case you don't follow me on Twitter (@FrostyAustin), which I do not blame you for considering you are already reading this--following me on a social network may drive you to insanity 140 characters at a time--you missed out on this tweet brigade inspired by Sean Marshall's 7th inning heroics last night.

@FrostyAustin: Sean "The Adonis" Marshall, fresh off a 50/50 Svedka/Riptide Rush mixer in the pen, steps into the 1 run ballgame.

approximately 1 minute later...

@FrostyAustin: Sean "The Adonis" Marshall should be able to pitch in one of those trendy button-downs from J. Crew that are seemingly made of tissue paper.

3 minutes later...

@FrostyAustin: Sean "The Adonis" Marshall does it again. Someone get him a cigarette and an 85 lb. model to take back to the batting cage.

As you can see, "The Adonis", which is defined in Greek Mythology as a handsome youth loved by both Aphrodite and Persephone (in this case myself and Quade), has made coming in and closing the door on a prospective opponent's run look all too nonchalant. The 6'7'', 220 lb. southpaw consistently breaks loose from the restrictions of the pen and all of the mustache growing and insinuating scuttlebutt that goes on down there only to enter a baseball game set awry by the Cubs' fatigued starter.

Perhaps it's his 12-6 deuce, pinpoint slider or consistent fastball that I find to be therapeutic in watching Marshall pitch, but Sean has solidified himself as one of the most trusted names in royal-blue pinstripes.

In 2010, #45 pitched 74.2 innings as a back-end reliever and managed to rack up 90 K's compared to a meager 58 hits; all while holding his ERA below 2.65 and striking out 10.8 batters per 9. If not for Carlos Marmol's superhuman season in '10 in which it seemed like he was hurling frozen peas at hitters, Marshall's name would have drawn some serious recognition.

If you thought that was his year, wait until you hear what 2011 had in store for the city's favorite stoic strikeout artist. His alma mater, Virginia Commonwealth, reached the Final Four, and his career-long aspiration to become a starting pitcher might conceivably come true (that is, if it were up to me). Trust me, no pitcher wants to settle for being a 7th inning specialist. That's like majoring in Art History so you can give tours of the Kindergarten art classroom down the street from the Institute.

Prior to this post, I have expressed concern with the Cubs having a 5 man, all right-handed rotation. Then, when Randy Wells suffered an injury in the season's opening week, a rotation spot opened up. So what do the Cubs to? Start Casey Coleman, who went on to garner a 7.20 ERA after his first start. I'd rather have Derrick Coleman, Gary Coleman, or a Coleman cooler on the mound rather than this geek. What the Cubs don't realize is what they need is right in front of them.

It's like Omar Epps having to get down with Gabrielle Union (Shawnee Easton) and Tyra Banks (Kyra Kessler) in Love and Basketball before he realizes that he should be playing 1-on-1 with Sanaa Lathan to determine his matrimony.

The Cubs are in desperate need of a lefty starter and they're taking out a singles ad in the Trib that reads "Wanted: wholesome, smart woman" when they have a Natalie Portman-Anne Hathaway crossbreed in their culdesac. Sure, he's great in his current role, but you can't steal 2nd and keep your foot on 1st. "He is Marshall".

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man got the nod last night as the Cubs held on in Space City. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the Mets over the Rockies in the Big Apple.

Pick of the Day: Rockies (Rogers) @ Mets (Niese)- METS (-109)

Record:(64-51-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Playoffs in the C-H-I

The Hawks are in. The Bulls are in. Regardless of the fact that they may have done so in the most contradictory of styles, they're both ready to embark on their 'second season'. The Bulls, in one corner, clinched the highly-regarded #1 spot on Friday night after the week that was.

To get there, they knocked off two of the Eastern Conference's top teams--the Magic and the Celtics--albeit without the NBA equivalent of John Coffee from Green Mile, Magic C Dwight Howard, it was still impressive. The Bulls have looked, for the most part, pristine. Specifically Derrick Rose, who casually dropped 39 points against Chicago's likely second round opponent and gave Omer Asik bragging rights from Istanbul to Ankara over the Magic's Hedo Turkoglu.

On the other side of the proverbial coin, the Blackhawks skated into the playoffs (no pun intended) by "the skin of their yellow country teeth." In fact, the only reason there will be any 'playoff Hawky' (shoutout @Not_RyanCLind) in the city of Chicago is because of the NHL's Minnesota team debarring of the Dallas Stars for stealing their franchise in 1993.

I guess you could say that these two Chicago sports mainstays have taken different paths this year, but in many ways still have the same aspirations. Like, for example, the starlet who once paraded around the Times Square TRL set with Carson Daly, Brittney Spears, and America's new teenage leading lady, Miss Miley Cyrus.

Much like Derrick Rose, Miley has mystified scores of men at a very young age. I mean, if we prosecuted the entire contingency of adults who have fantasized about the formerly 17-year old Miley "moving her hips like yeaa" in the "Party in the U.S.A" video, Joliet (where the jail is) might suddenly amass a higher population than Second City.

Similarly, D.Rose is about to hang the MVP trophy on his mantle at the tender age of 22--no small feat. But, like Miley, if too much pressure is thrust on Derrick too early, he might succumb to hitting some salvia as the Bulls' championship hopes sink like a silver coin. (Remember: he did have that "gang sign" picture controversy when he first entered the league, so neither are immune to the paparazzi.)

In the Blackhawks' case, their season has been as capricious as a post-Circus Brittney Spears (Circus is an album, she wasn't actually an acting member of the circus). For instance, she hit rock-bottom and went blade to scalp on her dome; an instance that can be seen as comparable to the defending Stanley Cup champions being out of the playoff picture for a decent amount of the year.

Then, she somehow resurfaced with the help of someone else (Hawks getting in by way of the Stars collapse) and went on to produce an unintelligible, inauthentic, computer-generated product that started with monologues like, "It's Brittney, b*%#@" that never lived up to her original masterful productions.

I don't watch near enough hockey to throw odds on the Blackhawks playoff chances, but when you can't get up to beat your rival in a must-win with your back against the wall, I'll send my money somewhere else.

As for the Bulls, like I said earlier, if the right circumstances fall into place, it all could happen according to plan. But, we all saw what that Billy Ray parenting/divorce/bad haircut fiasco did to a young vixen like Miley. If things go awry, the Bulls could resemble more of Jonah Hill's version of Cyrus than Miley's.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes Dempster to get off the shnide and out of the dumpster in Houston against the Astros tonight. I wouldn't say it's a must-win for the Cubs cannuck, but it's damn close.

Pick of the Day: Cubs @ Astros- CUBS (-129)

Record:(63-51-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

For Richmond or For Poorer

Picture a city nestled in the northeast corner of Illinois. A place where you can--if you have a good arm--throw a stone in one direction and hit a Wisconsinite, and into Lake Michigan if you sling it the opposite way. A place where unemployment and poverty are high and the quality of life is low. A place that's referred to as "the county seat" of Lake County more because it renders the imagination to envision an actual toilet rather than because of its administrative purposes. Ladies and gentleman, Waukegan, Illinois.

Recently, one of Waukegan's only recognizable inhabitants, Illinois guard Jereme Richmond, decided to forgo his final 3 years of college and enter the NBA draft. Besides the point that Jereme could have become a part of the vast minority in his hometown had he earned his collegiate diploma from U of I, he has disappointed many in his most recent decision to abandon the Illini.

Upon the announcement of his controversial decision, Richmond presumptively received ill-will in a variety of forms. In fact, @JRichmond22 was bombarded with so much negative energy that he responded with this tweet:

"Thanks to my haters and motivators. If I so happen to fail, I want my doubters to know my failure is greater than your biggest success"

Ok, so was this a mature, thoughtful and appropriate response? Hell no, it's Jereme Richmond. Apparently he hasn't hired a publicist yet. This is the same guy that caused more high school drama than Randy Moss and A.I. combined and was suspended for Illinois' trip to the dance for "violating team rules" (which I heard was exchanging blows with Brandon Paul).

As Destiny's Child said with the title of their sophomore album, "The Writing is on the Wall".

Richmond's freshman year in Champaign was a far cry from what he thought it would be. When you commit when you're 14, you expect to start when you arrive on campus--a scenario that was simply never the case.

It was glaringly obvious that Richmond wasn't happy with Weber, his teammates, or the collective female crop in Champaign who have a mean ACT score of 29 (about 12 points too high to go home with Jereme).

Still, I feel for the Central Suburban South product. After living in Waukegan and then Urbana-Champaign, I sure hope Jereme doesn't end up somewhere like Toronto with those cheese-eating surrender monkeys (shout out Mike in Indy) dressed head-to-toe in denim like J.T. and Brittney at the 2001 AMA's.

We all know Jereme is no lottery pick, but I think he has NBA athleticism and an amount of potential that will cause a team to roll the dice on the 19 year-old. Sure, he's got baggage. And, when I say baggage I don't mean a tote bag or one of those abominable AAU drawstring backpacks. I'm talking about an assortment of Samsonites stuffed to the brim like a Glencoe housewife prepping for a trip to the Florida Keys.

Then again, who doesn't have baggage in the NBA? I see Richmond as a Matt Barnes-like chippy, under your skin type defender/role player. Although Richmond is young, and judging by his actions at Illinois incontrovertibly dumb, as each detestable tattoo pops onto his body like a pubescent whitehead, he will earn his stripes in the Association.

Someone has to take his side, right? Waukegan's proud of you Jereme--they have no other choice--Ray Bradbury and Fahrenheit 451 are becoming a little outdated for continuous celebration.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man was doomed by the Butler Bulldogs and their sub-20% shooting percentage in the national title game. For his next bet, the Pulse Man likes the UNDER (8.5) in the White Sox/Rays tilt tomorrow night at the Cell.

Pick of the Day: Rays @ White Sox, total runs-8.5-UNDER

Record:(62-51-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Spittin' His Game

In case you have failed to notice, Alfonso Soriano spits more than any other human on the planet Earth. Honestly, he's like a stable llama on Mucinex--it's disgusting. Watch for it, you'll undoubtedly lose your appetite. But for the first time in a long time, Alfonso Soriano is starting to spit his game in between the chalk lines at Wrigley rather than littering the dugout floor with his own saliva.

Through the first four games of the young season, our $136 million man has actually been relatively productive, particularly Monday afternoon in the matinee tilt against Arizona. Soriano had not one, but two timely hits in the span of a single game, which eclipses his total set for the entire month of April in 2010. He has become, if nothing else, the most feared 7 hitter in the National League.

If you think that I'm sitting in Alf's corner breezing him with one of those oriental hand fans, that's simply not the case. I'll admit, 'the hop' is stupid. He's a horrible fielder, he's prone to the strikeout, and he still speaks that incomprehensible Spanglish jibberish after 13 years in the MLB.

But if we've learned anything about #12 during his career with the Cubs it's that the more he is relied upon, the more he lets you down. High expectations weigh him down like he's doggy-paddling holding 50 lb. dumbbells. Take for example 2006, Soriano's last year with the Nationals. With their only aspiration for that season being to not be as poor of a franchise as the Washington Wizards, Soriano flourished. He hit .277, cranked 46 out of that supposed "pitcher's ballpark" in D.C. and snagged 46 bases, all while mindlessly voicing his personal preference to play the infield.

Since that successful season in the nation's capital, Soriano's totals have dropped considerably every year and he hasn't once stole 20 bases as a member of the Cubs. He's swiftly plummeted from prohibitive All-Star to yearly "fall guy".

Do I think that paying your 7th hitter that you often replace late in games for defensive purposes $17 million is a good idea? Not necessarily, but I think that Soriano can certainly benefit from it. Cub fans have become so disgruntled with bad contracts and underachieving free-agents on a yearly basis that voicing their displeasure with Soriano at this point has become a waste of breath.

On Monday, his two clutch hits, including his 2nd home run propelled the Cubs back to the .500 mark. If he can continue to outproduce Skip Schumaker, the Cardinals' 7th hitter and consummate league dork, the pressure should remain off Soriano's slump-susceptible shoulders. If not, this was all just me spitting into the wind.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Eating Is Cheating

As a Cub fan, there isn't much to be hopeful for after watching the North Siders drop their season opener, their home opener, and their opening series of the season all to the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates.

If you're anything like me, you were watching the Cubs and pondering a few critical questions that arose in your mind. For instance, what nationality is Darwin Barney? Is he the kind of guy who fills in the Asian/Pacific Islander bubble during standardized testing questionnaires? I couldn't even make a guess as to what is actual ethnicity is, but regardless, the question remains, why the hell is he in the game?

After I got over this brief episode of Barney Darwinism, not to be confused with the laissez-faire capitalism movement that helped spawn Social Darwinism, I came to the conclusion that the Cubs and Sox have a plethora of toothpick-framed youngsters filling out their lineup cards.

Since my optimism level with the 2011 Cubs is already pretty low, I figured it might be necessary to draw on the humor card early on to help keep Cub nation's collective sanity in check. So, this is me channeling my inner Bon Iver (shout out Matt DeMars) and giving some "Skinny Love" where credit is due.

Darwin Barney- 5'10'', 179 lbs. I know 2nd baseman aren't typically built like The Big Show, but our little purple dinosaur manning the right side of our double-play combo is small even amongst the fraternity of National League 2nd baseman.

Granted, he's 5 foot 10, Asian (I think), and rocks meticulously tousled hair underneath his lid, so you have to give him the nod as the league's most unassuming Major Leaguer. Still, if he continues to get starts for the Cubs and goes on to never reach the outfield with a batted baseball until mid-July, we'll all know why.

Starlin Castro- 6'1'', 187 lbs. Honestly, I think 187 is a stretch for Starlin, who on opening day was dubbed as the youngest player in the bigs. He recently turned 21, so he'll be looking to add some beer weight and play 3rd base on a park district softball league team in no time.

All joking aside though, the Cubs are going to rely on their Castro more so than Cuba does theirs, because as the lead-off man he'll be responsible for taking pitches, working counts, and slapping singles all while trying to get his GED online from learn4good.com.

Andrew Cashner- 6'7'', 200 lbs. If you can't recall any people who fit the Andrew Cashner body frame, do this: think of all the members you can on your high school's cross country team, then think of who was the tallest and looked the skinniest in those Asics high rise shorts. There you have it. Over 6 foot 5 and under 2 bills is borderline malnourishment.

If Cashner wasn't straight out of a Celtic 3-piece band, he would be being sponsored for a $1 a day on one of those adopt-a-child commercials that pull at your heartstrings like a puppeteer.

Although he hasn't made his first official start in 2011 just yet, I caught a glimpse of Cash during the national anthem today and was convinced that I had seen him chain-smoking Parliaments outside Mystic Celt on Southport in olive green corduroys with a 29 inch waistline. Let's hope he can deal.

Alexei Ramirez- 6'2'', 175 lbs. The Cuban Missile is about as thick as thistle, and even that might be a tad generous. Although he's still very young, he looks as though he's been eating nothing but rationed cornmeal since he was old enough to chew.

Somehow, someway, he's been able to muster some serious pop in his bat and is also notorious for having a cannon of an arm from the deep hole (unintentional correlation with the whole Cuban Missile thing). I've always liked Alexei, but as Frank Costello says to a young Billy Costigan in The Departed, "EAT SOMETHING!"

Omar Vizquel- 5'9'', 155 lbs. The veteran leader of the "Thin Mitts" is our favorite 43 year-old infielder, Omar Enrique Vizquel. As Jack "the Body" Groot so eloquently laid out in a guest blog late last season, Omar looks like he should be pushing a mop and bucket in a gray onesie with a sewn on patch that reads "Omar" above his left breast at your local high school.

Instead, he has done nothing but make every play at every position he has been asked to play. Tipping the scales at 155 lbs, Omar would probably be a weight-class below most pregnant women, and for succeeding at that stature, I have nothing but respect for him.

There you have it. In a time period where skinny jeans are in style, and Calista Flockhart, Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie have all managed to receive a substantial amount of fame, I guess "thin is in". Let the big dogs eat.

As for Pick of the Day, Brittney Griner let the Pulse Man down and reassured us all that you can never trust a woman over 6'6''. For tomorrow night's national title game, the Pulse Man likes the largest lead of the game to be UNDER 13.5, which I agree is a ludicrous line.

Pick of the Day: Butler vs. UCONN, largest lead of the game-13.5- UNDER

Record:(62-50-0)

Lastly, upon visiting some college friends this weekend in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, we managed to create the inaugural Chicago Sports Noise podcast. As soon as we figure out how to post it, you'll be able to hear it. God bless whoever sits through it.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Silva Lining

I had previously thought that Cubs manager, Mike Quade, didn't possess a "mean streak". I'm not talking like a Chris Brown/Mel Gibson anti-Semitic streak. Hell, I'm not even talking about the visible anger shown by the young, African-American couple in the State Farm commercial. I literally thought the "Q-Ball" didn't release his tension on water-coolers or overweight Hispanic starters, but Carlos Silva trashed Quade's staff and got shipped out of town faster than a Jansport knapsack full of hate mail.

With Silva gone, the Cubs have now freed themselves of all remnants of the Milton Bradley fiasco. In hindsight, if the Rangers sent the carcass of the Maine born American game pioneer who died in 1911 in their trade to the Cubs instead of the volatile, hot-tempered outfielder who would go on to hit .257 with 12 homers and proceed to blame the city, it would've worked out much better.

Then, as if Bradley's presence didn't already hamper the team like rheumatoid arthritis in 2009, they swapped him for a supposed baseball reincarnation of Gabriel Iglesias in 2010. Like Toby Keith says, "freedom don't come free."

At first, Silva was great. He was the "silver lining" to the Cubs' horrendous first half. Little did we know his cholesterol levels were at the same height as Ethan Suplee (pre-weight loss) and he could only muster 11.2 innings of work after the All-Star Break (with 11.12 ERA and a .426 OBA).

So when Andrew Cashner out-pitched Silva in Spring Training, you knew there would be tension between Riggins and the Silva Fox.

"Sometimes you just have to cut a man loose" Gary Bertier, Remember the Titans

In walks 6'6'', 200 lb. Andrew Cashner. First of all, do you have any idea how skinny that is? It's going to be all knees and elbows flying towards the plate when #48 toes the rubber. At least it will make us forget having to stare at Silva's frame for 3+ hours in the summer sun sweating like Adam Richman from Man vs. Food.

Still, even though Cashner is right-handed (Cubs still have 5 RHP starters) and has a grungy ginger beard that resembles Sheamus from the WWE, I'd rather have him out there than Silva.

It's always a different approach for a pitcher when he's in it from Opening Day. So enjoy your first 4 days off in the bullpen, sign some autographs and never use plastic in the 312. Straight Cash-ner, homie.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man came through in Women's tournament play last night as the Stanford Cardinal rolled over Gonzaga and covered the 9 point spread. For tonight, the Pulse Man will stick to his guns and his boy, Brittney Griner, to scoot by Texas A&M by more than 2 points.

Pick of the Day: Baylor (-2) vs. Texas A&M- BAYLOR

Record:(62-49-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Playing it Off

With yet another impressive weekend in which the Bulls swept through their competition, it might be time to start looking ahead. The "MVP" serenades during D. Rose's free-throw routine have began to enter into the redundancy period for me after I saw Comcast air a middle-aged woman in a low-cut tank top with seemingly the same Basketball acumen as my 2nd grade school teacher mouthing the words to the popular chant during the Milwaukee telecast.

The swooning from analysts has become all too commonplace as the Bulls are a virtual lock to close out the season as the Eastern Conference's #1 seed. Not that I'm jumping to any conclusions prematurely, but the Bulls have 10 games left and still have the T-Wolves, Pistons, Raptors, Cavs and Nets ahead on their schedule (worst case scenario: 6-4).

With a two game lead on the C's for superiority in all things basketball East of the Rockies, it's safe to say the Bulls have their hand in the glove. Then again, we are in Chicago--albeit a long ways away from Wrigley field and the goat sacrificing that goes on up there--we are still conditioned to expect the worst.

So without any further deliberation, let's get to the matter at hand (I'm a few credits short in my aspirations to become Atticus Finch). Who will the Bulls play in the opening round? Historically, the top seed has had no problem winning these incommensurate match-ups, but we don't want the Bulls droning through a 10-day tango either. Here is a comprehensive list of the possible opponents Chicago might see in the opening round.

Sixers - (-16.5 GB, 1-1 vs. CHI) The Sixers are certainly an interesting and intriguing bunch. Since the Bulls played them in the playoffs last during the 1990-1991 season, Philly has adopted a new logo, reverted back to the original logo, drafted Iverson, worshiped Iverson and then traded Iverson. It's funny to think that the Bulls now have a Turkish center and the former face of Philly's franchise is playing in a second-tier Turkish league. Also during this time, the Garbage Picking, Field Goal Kicking, Philadelphia Phenomenon was released starring Tony Danza. Strange days indeed.

Not to mention, Doug Collins coached the Bulls during the initial Jordan years of the late 1980's and was canned just in time to watch the Zen Master rattle off 6 titles in Chicago. If you're Doug, that's like getting divorced by your wife, having her marry a quasi-Buddhist monk with a Scottrade account, earning enough money through said account to use their rolled up singles as Q-tips and rolling papers, and then invest their equitable assets into forming the most lucrative dynasty the NBA has ever seen. Sounds like you missed out, Doug.

But the 2011 Sixers have been marked by their potential. Elton Brand and Andrea Iguodala have been around the block in the heart of blue-collar "Rocky Country", but the added youth of Jrue Holiday, Jodie Meeks, Thaddeus Young and Evan Turner have labeled the Sixers as overachievers this season and have kept Doug Collins name in the Coach of the Year debate. Can they beat the Bulls? No, but Doug Collins has enough X's and O's up his sleeve from broadcasting 54,329 games on TNT over the past 5 years to push it to a 5 or 6 game set--exactly what can trip the Bulls up in the future.

Knicks-(-18.5 GB, 2-0 vs. CHI) New team, new style, same bad blood between the Bulls and Knicks. Xavier McDaniel and Anthony Mason might be face up in the sun in Boca Raton after 4 back surgeries each, but I assure you that if the Bulls play the Knicks in round 1, there will be some hard fouls issued similar to the ones of old.

What scares me about the Knicks is what scares everybody about the Knicks--they can score on anyone. Carmelo and Amare can fill it up against the best team defenders in the world, and have proven that to some extent during their brief partnership together in the Big Apple. The Bulls have showed the capability to win without scoring in the triple digits this season, which is a testament to how far they have come as a team on the defensive end.

But, they have also shown that if Rose goes ice-cold like the scene from Cool Runnings where Sanka (Doug E. Doug) gets stuck in the Ice Cream truck, they can go an extended period of time without scoring. Now I would hesitate to call Carmelo and Amare tough-nosed, blue collar guys, but I think Toney Douglas, Chauncey Billups and Landry Fields provide them with that "chip on your shoulder" mentality that the Knicks always held near and dear during the John Starks era.

I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing the Knicks in round 1 because of their potential to follow through with the unfathomable. Realistically though, I don't think they have a chance to make a deep run this year judging by their lack of interest in defense, and they have an assistant coach named Dan D'Antoni--that can't help. Still, they're 2-0 versus the Bulls already this season so what do I know?

Pacers- (-22 GB, 1-3 vs. CHI) It is no secret that Indiana is the most Caucasian-laden team in the NBA, and believe it or not, that includes Utah. Jeff Foster, Mike Dunleavy (currently injured), Josh McRoberts and Tyler Hansbrough all see time for the Indiana 'Race'-ers. Throw some unathleticism in the middle in the form 7'2'' center, Roy Hibbert, and you have a possible Eastern Conference 8 seed.

The Pacers really haven't made much noise since Larry Legend stepped down from Head Coach and appointed someone that he never really liked, and people trusted less than an ex-girlfriend with an assortment of dirty texts at her disposal. Since then though, the Pacers have been winning the "right" way, and presumably the "white" way based on the talent pool they move through Conseco Fieldhouse every home game.

In fact, the Pacers knocked off the Bulls last Friday in an overtime thriller that saw the Bulls as a lethargic, shot-missing bunch carried much of the way by their MVP point guard. Knowing that Rose almost willed the Bulls to victory on a night when the rest of their team shot an equivalent percentage to a young student on a spelling pretest doesn't bode well for Indiana basketball fans. Go Butler, maybe the Pacers can lure Brad Stevens to the league, or else I think he's destined for a PLAYGIRL cover.

Bobcats/Bucks- (-23 GB/-24 GB, 2-2 vs. CHI, 0-4 vs. CHI) Lastly, the two teams on the outside looking in on the 2011 NBA Playoffs are the Charlotte Bobcats and the Milwaukee Bucks. As a proud owner of a Charlotte Hornets quarter-zip Starter jacket, I'm ashamed to say that the Bobcats actually exist...not that anyone has noticed. They are consistently making mindless trades in order to get them out of the red and their most recognizable face is in upper management. Nothing in Charlotte is necessarily peachy.

They did beat the Bulls twice earlier in the year, but that was when they still held the rights to Gerald Wallace, a guy who always gave the Bulls problems. Now, you can conceivably argue that Stephen Jackson is their best player (seriously, look at their roster). I feel that their only reason for existence is for Michael Jordan to use the Bobcats as a forum in finally succeeding in helping the world understand what he once saw in Kwame Brown, and therefore I would love to see them in round 1.

As for the Bucks, we saw them fold up like paper in fire again in Milwaukee this weekend and had no answer when the Bulls flipped the switch (lot of cliches there, I apologize). The Bucks are 0-4 against the Bulls this year and don't pose much of a threat with their current roster. However, if they can somehow get healthy for the road ahead (except for Michael Redd, he'll never play a full season again), they could instill a little fear in their opponents to go along with their Christmas color scheme. God bless whoever they have in merchandise sales.

With all of that being said, the Bulls still have games against the Celtics and Magic to use as a measuring stick heading into their second season. But, if all goes according to plan, one of these teams could have a date with D.Rose in the conference quarters...buyer beware.

As for Pick of the Day, it's been a while since the Pulse Man has bet, but as always he is anxious to get his money out and lay on the table. For tonight, the Pulse Man advocates for the Stanford women giving 9 points to the Gonzaga Lady Bulldogs in West region play of the Women's NCAA Tourney. He's an equal opportunity employer, and a ladies man, so get off of his back.

Pick of the Day: Stanford (-9) vs. Gonzaga- STANFORD

Record:(61-49-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

King(s) of the East

Currently, I'm watching the halftime show of the Bulls/Hawks game in which the Bulls have amassed a 29 point first half lead. So forgive me if I go off on a tangent about Brent Barry's meticulously gelled hair and window pane suit complete with the fashionable accent color handkerchief. The dude has the tightest sideburns in the broadcasting business. Can you believe this guy has participated in both the 3-point showdown and the dunk contest? Has anyone besides Brent ever done that? Not to mention, he's Caucasian and his old man looked as if he was growing a tail every time he stepped to the charity stripe. I'm not sure what his wife was thinking running around with Tony Parker; I guess some guys just can't catch a break. Either way, with Kenny "The Jet" Smith and Greg Anthony covering the NCAA tourney and taking a brief hiatus from analyzing the NBA, I sure am glad that this halftime show is over. TNT is going to blow up (no pun intended).

As for the game, for the second night in a row the Bulls are on a scoring binge comparable to a Paul Westhead team of the mid 1990's. They hung 132 on the Sacramento Queens last night and cemented the NBA's decision to contract that futile franchise in California's Central Valley. The Bulls won 132-92 last night. That's 40 points...during the 40 days and 40 nights of the Lent season. Where is Josh Hartnett when you need him? Then again, where is he when you don't need him? I haven't seen that scrub since Black Hawk Down.

With the Bulls tied for the Eastern Conference lead with the Boston Celtics, they are now attracting some extra shmooze from basketball gurus like "The Czar" Mike Fratello and Timmy Legler. Additionally, the Bulls can conceivably beat out the Celts for the 1 seed judging by their schedule from here on in. For instance, Memphis, Milwaukee, Philly, Minnesota, Detroit and Toronto in their next 6? I'd honestly rather play those teams than mow through the bottom half of the Pac-10. The talent distribution in the NBA is atrocious. Asking teams like Sacramento, Detroit and Minnesota to compete is like sending Jimmy Eat World into the studio to try and recreate Springsteen's "Born In the U.S.A." album.

With the Bulls' offensive production reaching new heights over the course of the past few days, you can only hope that they can save some legs for an extensive postseason push. With Rose leading the pack for the MVP crown and Thibs on the short list for NBA Coach of the Year, the Bulls need to remain focused and stay hungry like Kelly Clarkson after she won American Idol.

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

I Opening

If you realistically thought that the University of Illinois was going to somehow challenge Kansas on Sunday night in Tulsa (Big 12 country), you should probably step into the war room with Roger Goodell and the NFLPA, because you are clearly a wishful thinker. In reality, Illinois has failed to put together two solid efforts back-to-back since they knocked off UNC and Gonzaga consecutively in late November. So in the words of Wycelf, they've been "Gone til November", or something like that. What made you think this group of seniors would approach the NCAA tournament any differently?

U of I put together one of their better games of the season in their opening round defeat of UNLV. Maybe it was their blaze orange unis that would have halted fire had they been pheasant hunting in rural Wisconsin, or maybe it was the fact that Mike Davis played out of his goddamn mind and lit up the Runnin' Rebels for 22 points, 9 boards and 5 dimes.

Interestingly enough though, Illinois found itself in a bizarre mix of intriguing sub plots. First they squared off against Lon Krueger, who was formerly the coach of the Fighting Illini before he skipped out on Champaign for a tour of duty with the Atlanta Hawks, a job where he proceeded to guarantee season ticket holders a $125 refund if the Hawks failed to make the playoffs. Bad idea. His successor at Illinois, Bill Self, was coincidentally enough the head coach of U of I's second round opponent, the #1 seeded Kansas Jayhawks.

Not that Weber owes Self any favors for recruiting the entire team that took Bruce to the national title game in 2006, but Weber still returned the favor by producing an undisciplined, lethargic product on Sunday night. I know I am always quick to get on Weber, but McCamey might as well have been playing for Brian Dennehy in that ghastly ESPN production of "A Season On the Brink" this year. At times, McCamey has looked entirely disinterested and altogether unmotivated, resulting in a sub-par senior year after turning in a very promising body of work as a Junior.

As for Jereme Richmond who was suspended for both contests after 'violating team rules'. Really smart stuff, dude. You're 19, its national tournament time, why not go break some rules and get summoned to the pine pony for the entire postseason. Hopefully you enter the draft and get picked in the late 2nd round, proceed to fall off the map ala Leon Smith (minus swallowing 250 aspirin and hiding under a car with your face painted), and I'll see you at the Sectional Final at Waukegan in 5 years after you've put on a cool 35 lbs. and are pawning drugs off on high school underclassmen. I would be fine with this as long as I don't have to watch 4 years of untapped potential.

As for the rest of the Big 10, I know Ohio St. is as trendy of a group as Mumford & Sons right now, but they have literally blown up their bracket. Aaron Craft has solidified himself as the quintessential "guys want to be him, girls want to be with him" guy and Jon Diebler looks identical to a hybrid between Telly from KIDS and McLovin--which immediately makes him one of my favorites. On some other fronts, I thought Purdue would make a deep run behind "'Twaun and 'Juan", but March is never as it seems. Similarly, Michigan gave Duke all they could handle and ended up a tear drop away from knocking off one of the tournament's top seeds. I'll tell you what, the maize and blue can play. They can't drink legally, smoke darts, or watch R-rated movies, but those cats can hoop. On the other hand, I thought Wisco would have its hands full in the first two rounds but have officially bored their opponents into submission on two separate occasions and have achieved their own "Sweet 16" celebration. I'm thinking the Big 10 gets one team to Houston. If not, football season is just around the corner.

As for Pick of the Day, Jake Kelly couldn't get the job done for the Indiana St. Sycamores and the Pulse Man suffered as a result. For Tuesday, the Pulse Man likes the UNDER in the Spurs/Warriors tilt set at 209.5.

Pick of the Day: Warriors @ Spurs, total points-209.5- UNDER

Record:(61-47-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Brewin' a Winner

While you are on your 'personal day' from work tomorrow with your eyes glued to the television like one of those 21st century poster-children who can text more words per minute than stenographers can type, take a brief moment off to think about baseball. After recently previewing the bottom 3 teams of the NL Central, we have now moved onto bigger and better things. And, it's my pleasure to say that I think the Chicago Cubs are in that category (my glass is nearly overflowing from being half-full). It is mid-March, a time period in which i know that college basketball reigns supreme, but with Illinois (our state's only representative) 24 hours away from yet another early exit, it might be time to focus our mind towards the MLB, more specifically the top half of the NL Central.

Brewers- I have to admit, I love the Brewers' ambition. For 2011, Milwaukee's "Crew" has done nothing short of pushing all of their proverbial chips into the proverbial center of the proverbial table. Their lineup has always been potent. After seemingly locking up Ryan Braun until his clothing deal with Affliction comes to a close (sometime around 2018?), the Brewers have an NL MVP candidate in the middle of their lineup. Plus, the Hebrew Hammer has more swag than anyone in the NL. The dude does more bat-flips and stare-downs after 400 foot lasers than a character from 'Ken Griffey Jr. Slugfest'. Also, to protect him, the Beermakers have the human cue-ball, Casey McGehee, to go along with everyone's favorite chubby Princess.

At the trade deadline last year, the Brewers opted to hold on to Fielder instead of trading him for parts, knowing all too well that they would get nothing more than a coupon booklet for assorted Chinese buffets after this coming season comes to a close. They also signed Rickie Weeks to a hefty off-season contract. The money's going out, and it seems obvious to think that the runs will be coming in.

But, what killed the Brewers a year ago was their men on the molehill. The Brewers somehow let Dave Bush start 31 games last year! And they expected to win? Turns out, Bush turned in Rick Vaughn spring training-like numbers and the Brewers didn't end up "#winning" (Charlie Sheen/Rick Vaughn, get it?) too many games.

So Milwaukee went out and rescued Zack Greinke from Kansas City. Poor guy got shipped from Missouri to Wisconsin; the first person, place, or thing to do that since a pre-packaged cube of colby-jack. Hopefully one day he'll have saved enough paper to retire somewhere entertaining, but that is neither here nor there. With the addition of Greinke and his wavering mental health, the Brewers now have a reasonable 1,2 punch in line with Greinke and Yovani Gallardo.

If Greinke and Gallardo each can muster 12 or 13-win campaigns in 2011, and Corey Hart doesn't ink himself up with another series of tribal forearm tattoos, the Brewers should have enough to finish on top of a bad division.

Reds- Dusty Baker, young power pitchers, a city deprived of anything meaningful in terms of baseball for a long time I think we all know how this story ends. It culminates with Dusty puncturing the roof of his mouth with his customary toothpick after he realizes he turned his ace's arm into a tube of Gogurt.

The Reds were last year's media darling. Joey Votto put up MVP numbers, Brandon Phillips played with a chip on his shoulder the size of his 34-inch bat, and the Big Red Machine was revived, or so the the people of Cincy thought. But Dusty Baker cannot escape his own curse. This Terrance Mann lookalike has had 2 winning seasons in his last 7 as a manager. What is he good for? Absolutely nothing. In the end, the Reds finish 2nd in the Central--a handful of games back of the Brewers in a close late-September race.

Cubs- The recipe for the Cubs success is very simple. The people who you are paying ludicrous amounts money need to produce. I know it's a novel concept, but it hardly has been a realistic one for the Cubbies over the past 5 years. For one, we've all realized by now that Kosuke Fukudome is not Ichiro, nor will he ever be--but he needs to stop swinging off the tops of his shoelaces. When his tenure in Chicago finally comes to a close, Fukudome's legacy will undoubtedly be a Clark St. restaurant in which he affectionately titles "A Wok to Remember" rather than his four years of hitting .260 and going through more shin-guards than an AYSO soccer star.

Along with him, Soriano and Aramis need to be remotely productive to keep the Cub fans off the guardrails of the Madison St. bridge. Then, Carlos Pena will only be asked to hit above the Mendoza line (.200) and crank a shot onto Sheffield every 4th game. Easy enough, right?

Another point of concern for the Northsiders is their starting pitching. They have less left-handed action in their rotation than a southpaw student with a bottle of lotion alone in his college dorm room. With all of these "ifs" laid out on the table, the Cubs do have some potential. They boast some rapidly improving young talent in Starlin Castro and Tyler Colvin; two guys who can will the Cubs to a few day-game victories when the rest of the team would rather be knee-deep in the whirlpool. Is this the year? Eh...no. But at least we're not the Pirates.

There you have it, your NL Central predictions. Regardless of who wins, the team that comes out alive will get swept by the Phillies faster than a crumb off of the counter in the NLDS. My glass is now officially empty.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man has added the Indiana St. Sycamores to his picks to cover tomorrow. They're getting 12.5 against the Syracuse zone in the opening round. I have no doubt that the Orange will see the 2nd round, but the Sycamores are a feisty bunch with the ghost of Larry Legend on their side.

Pick of the Day: Indiana St. (+12.5) @ Syracuse- INDIANA ST.

Record:(61-46-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Final Four-play

As a jumping off point, let the record show that I know two Ivy league graduates: one, an uber-cute Cornell alumnus who apparently married into some heavy East Egg cash and is currently sipping lattes like they're streaming from the Britta filter. The other Ivy Leaguer, of course, is my main man, KB Toyz. It is Chicago Sports Noise's pleasure to have a highly accredited scholar from Columbia (a prestigious university that FDR, his distant cousin Teddy, and Warren "I'm richer than Jimmy" Buffett also attended) contribute to 'The Noise'. Needless to say, KB is already over-qualified to analyze the NCAA tournament based on his educational credentials. You would think he spent his 4 years of undergrad immersed in Oscar Wilde novels and delving deep into endless arithmetic reasoning. Instead, he serenaded the best schools in America with the sweet music of his 18-foot jumper as a member of Columbia's basketball squad and is now enjoying the fruits of being a professional athlete across the pond in England. Without further ado, here are is picks. Remember, "Beware the Ides of March." -William Shakespeare-

This is always the time of the year when the so called “experts” give
you supposedly sound advice on how to fill out your NCAA bracket. They
highlight “some possible upset” picks of which to look out for and you
inevitably start drinking their Kool Aid, only to be heartbroken when the
number 2 seed you picked to lose in the second round runs to the Final
4 (I know from experience dude). Instead of falling victim to that
snarky douche, Doug Gottlieb, make your picks on your own accord
people.

That being said I am now going to give you some general guidelines
that ought to help you during this process. The NBA is about talent
whereas college basketball is about coaching. If you are conflicted on
a pick, go with the more experienced coach. I would put my money on the
Izzo’s and Pitino’s of the world (in any enviornment other than Applebee's) rather than picking a lower seed to upset them. In fact, as a general guideline I would not bet against Tom Izzo in March (at least not in rounds 1 and 2).

BYU is not nearly as good as people want you to think they are. Don’t get me
wrong, I absolutely love Jimmer, but this team is a decaffeinated mess right
now. When it gets to crunch time, someone other then Jimmer is going to
have to make a big play and I just don’t see it happening.

In keeping with the Mountain West, SDSU is much more poised to make a
deep run into the tourney then BYU is. In fact, I have BYU on “upset
alert” in the first round against Wofford. Wofford has played some big
name competition tough over the past couple of years and their coach, Mike
Young, has been around the block and knows how to game plan for a guy
that can drop a cool 30 while looking like the kid who was the
perennial “Sportsmanship Award Winner” at basketball camp (See:
Stephen Curry)

It is all about the guards people. If you are struggling to make a
pick, take a look at the rosters and see which team appears to have the
better (and more experienced) guards. For instance, a team like Texas worries
me because aside from senior Jai Lucas, they have very little experience
in the backcourt. If I am a Kansas fan, I am also worried about their
guard play. When one of your starting guards is a struggling freshman
and the other was recently suspended, that does not exactly scream
FINAL 4. In terms of teams with solid guard play, I definitely like
Pittsburgh as they are old and Jamie Dixon is a veteran coach in
March. Missouri is also a team I like. Experienced guards AND a style
that most teams haven’t played against all year makes them poised to
make a deep run.

But, whatever you do, remember the "Butter Face" rule. You know when you
see a girl and everything is nice BUT her face? Yes, of course you do.
Well there are also Butter Face teams in this tournament.A Butter Face team is one that does a couple things really well but they don’t have that overall game
that we hope to see from a title contender. Notre Dame is a prime
example. They have tremendous outside shooting capability but their
inside game is like Egyptian Cotton. I would advise all of you to
handle any Butter Face teams in the bracket the same way you would
handle a Butter Face in real life. Be cordial, exchange some niceties,
but never allow yourself to get into a deep conversation. The same
holds true while filling out your brackets, if you see a Butter Face
team, I would suggest not letting them get any further than round 2. And
as a general rule of thumb, don’t let yourself go any further than
second base in real life. Unless you're Dan in Real Life.

Now, I am about to give you my “upset” picks. Remember what I told you,
when it comes to listening to others, follow the tried and true advice
of Stone Cold Steve Austin: “Don’t Trust Anyone.” That being said, here we go.
Utah State won 30 games this year and while I certainly haven’t seen them play, I did some research and they have a solid PG and a good inside game. I seem them giving Kansas State some trouble in the opening round; just don’t tell that to Frank Martin. Wofford over BYU as I alluded to earlier is another sleeper. I also like two Atlantic 10 teams Richmond and Xavier. Both have excellent point guards in Tu Holloway and Kevin Anderson and both teams can beat you in multiple ways. Other teams you might be sleeping on that can make a Final 4 run are as follows. Southwest: Purdue, they lock up and have flown below the radar all season. Have a great guard in E’twaun Moore and a jumping jack big man in Jajuan Johnson. Southeast: Wisconsin, one of the best guards in the tournament in Jordan Taylor and a balanced inside outside attack. Also, Bo Ryan.

My Final 4 picks: Ohio State, SDSU, Pitt and Purdue. I predict Ohio
State will beat Pitt in the ‘Chip 60-53. DTA people. DTA.

A very happy March Madness to all of you.

Rack me

KB.

A Chance to Dance

March Madness can mean a variety of things to a lot of different people. For some, it echoes opportunity. A chance for any idiot with a Bic ball-point and a PDF bracket to take down the office pool. It means half-days, sick days, made up family illnesses and an assortment of other excuses for the male contingent of America's workforce. The NCAA tournament is our country's most captivating sports spectacle. As Jay Bilas tweeted yesterday, "The NCAA tournament is idiot proof." There will always be upsets, Cinderellas and underused Gus Johnson soundboard websites. With all of that being said about this highly touted spring staple, does Illinois deserve to be in the field based on their body of work this season? In my own humble and entirely worthless opinion, no. As an Illinois fan, I'm almost ashamed that they did sneak in. Harvard probably has a better team with a quarter of the talent and Virginia Tech has now had their bubble popped for 4 consecutive years (that just sounds filthy). Illinois' "Big Dance" experience in 2011 brings me back to my own experiences cuttin' it up.

Now I was never in the NCAA tournament, or pirouetted across my middle school stage like Billy Elliot. But the more you think about it, the NCAA tournament selection process is strikingly similar to the Turnabout/Spring Fling/Winter Formal dance date selection process in most high school social circles.

I had some great dance dates in high school--but like everyone does--I had to wrap my arms around a few questionable characters and muster a morose smile at the customary picture party. If you had to cast a Hollywood C-Lister to capture my high school essence, it wouldn't be Paul Walker or Freddie Prinze, but I wasn't the nerd downloading calculator games in the C-lab with a USB cord either. I was a middle of the road guy; constantly toting the dotted stripe during dance season. My only hope was that I put together a decent enough body of work to keep myself in contention, and then hope that a few cases of high school infidelity and AIM break-ups would land me in the hands of a babe who could boost my stock. Relax, it's not superficial if it happened 5+ years ago. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

My freshman year was entirely forgettable. Based on my date, I didn't make the tourney, got snubbed by the NIT, snuck into the CBI and tried to hide my face enough so that nobody realized I was even there. Just for the record, there is no concrete evidence that this night actually happened; no pictures were taken on my behalf. So if you want to know who my date was, you either have to really shell out some coin, or somehow be friends with the female. As unlikely as the first of those two situations sounds, it still has the higher odds in comparison to the latter. Trust me. As for my sophomore year, tons of hype (high seed/cute crush) but very little substance. In her defense, I didn't know her that well so I was set up for a trap game (similar to a 12-5) and came up shorthanded. Junior year was a fun time, but our team chemistry kept us incapable of making a serious run at tournament immortality (Final 4/grinding to "Tip Drill" by Nelly). But 2006 is when the similarities between this year's Illinois team and myself truly blossomed into fruition...senior year.

Much like Illinois, I found myself on the brink of not being selected at all. I hadn't exactly stated my case as a prominent bachelor in the halls of my high school (no senior superlatives, no vanity license plate, average haircut, abysmal body, limited personality). Those sleepless nights in mid-February found me contemplating if I would ever get another shot to bust the people's brackets by busting a move during my senior campaign. Luckily, the fortune favors the foolish, and I somehow reeled in a more than formidable partner (who will remain nameless and faceless).

Like any NCAA tournament game, the dance is divided into 3 parts--preparation (pictures/dinner), gametime (dance), and post-game (after party). Similar to my brothers in Orange and Blue, I had no business being there with the date I had in hand, so I had to answer countless questions about my credibility in the tournament, i.e. "Why the hell did she ask you?" or "Doesn't she know that (some Mr. LZ candidate/bubble team) is still dateless?" In all honesty, I couldn't answer, and neither can Bruce Weber. They lost to 4 non-tournament teams in the regular season, including a UIC team that finished close to last in the Horizon league (equivalent to being caught passing wind in a core class with close seating proximity). And, like my physical appearance during 12th grade, Illinois' (9-9) record in the Big 10 was pretty average, which didn't turn many heads in the right direction. So, I put a smile on my face and was just happy to be there. I piled on the pomade, took in the sights and sounds, opened a few car doors and tried not to screw up.

In the end, my tightly-wound approach is what did me in, and the same will go for Illinois on Thursday. Not to say that I didn't enjoy myself, or that I don't have a 5x7 wallet pic of that night just in case if anyone ever asks if I was cool in high school--because I did, and I do. But I made no attempt at bringing down the house and just having a good time. I was so busy playing everything off and mean-mugging the dance chaperons that I couldn't thoroughly enjoy the experience I had at my disposal. If anybody is still reading this--and if you are I commend you--it surely wasn't easy, my lesson to Illinois is this: "play with a looseness like you've never been there before, because you don't know if you'll ever be back."

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man dropped his most recent bet, but what better time of the year than this to right the ship. For his next pick, the Pulse Man likes Richmond to cover the 2 point cushion they're getting against Vandy in the opening round. Everyone's afraid of spiders. Rich what?

Pick of the Day: #10 Richmond (+2) @ #7 Vanderbilt- RICHMOND

Record:(61-46-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Minute Made

If you had previously thought that Lincoln Park was just a place where your twenty-something friend lived with bars on every street corner and trendy restaurants that Groupon features on a daily basis, you have been misled somewhere along the way. Possibly some of the miscellaneous and mysterious debit card charges after 3 AM that take place when you visit LP may have contributed to this generalization, but who knows? In reality, some actual families do reside in Lincoln Park, a neighborhood of northern Chicago that is not to be confused with that garbage-eater rock band, Linkin Park, that was somehow immensely popular in the 7th grade. Northwestern PG, Michael "Juice" Thompson, happens to be one of those few proud residents who was once a Lincoln Park Lion. Upon his high school graduation, he broke the Chicago Public League mold and decided to take his basketball talents to that prestigious university along the lakefront.

Although Northwestern basketball hasn't exactly spelled s-u-c-c-e-s-s over the course of their 110 year history, the point guard named after the macerating of fresh fruits knew one thing--he could play early, and he could play often. As it turns out, that was exactly the situation. Upon his arrival in Evanston, coach Bill Carmody handed Juice the keys. Granted, the keys weren't necessarily handling a fully-equipped Lexus as much as they were a wheelchair with a tarnished purple and white flag hanging from its hind wheels. Nonetheless, he was in charge. He took the reigns of the program and has since become the school's 5th all time leading scorer and holds the NU records for assists, minutes, games played and games started. It is safe to say that the "Juice" is the most decorated guard in Northwestern history without ever playing in an NCAA tournament game or ever realistically vying for a Big 10 title.

What I will say about Thompson though is that he doesn't take breaks. Although his list of post season accolades at Northwestern is about as long as Oliver Twist's grocery list, he has always been there to take the fall. He has been in the top 10 in minutes played during all 4 years of competition in the Big 10, and has ranked as high as 2nd nationally. He hasn't come out to sip the kool-aid 10 different times this season. That's 10 games, 40 minutes a piece, without ever getting a blow.

The truth is, if you watch Northwestern play basketball you can't help but notice him. Never was that more apparent than Thursday afternoon in Indianapolis during the opening round of the Big 10 tournament. Facing elimination for an NCAA tourney bid at the hands of the ever-underachieving Minnesota Golden Gophers, Thompson exploded for a career-high and Big 10 tourney record 35 points to keep Northwestern alive for another day. What may be most impressive about Thompson though is the way that he puts it through the twine. His repertoire that features both 40-foot pull-ups and mid-lane teardrops is tough for even the bigger point guards in the nation's most physical league to defend. His use of the window from all angles also assures us of his Geometry prowess as a high school sophomore.

With Ohio State next on the tournament schedule, Northwestern's dream might melt faster than the February snow in this mid-March match-up, especially with the way Diebler, Sullinger and the boys have been "Party(ing) in the OSU.". Then again, the last time the Wildcats and Buckeyes faced off, it took an Alex "Ill-Advised" Mercotullio arid pass to crush the Cats' bid at an upset. But, don't be surprised if the Juice squeezes more out of March than the rest of the basketball world expects.

Before we get into Pick of the Day, a special Chicago Sports Noise shout goes out to my hero, Mark "The Big Detrimental" Blaker for impressively pulling off the persona of Steelers tight end, Heath Miller, on two separate occasions. Maybe it was the fact that he carried around the pigskin for the majority of the night and lobbed himself replica TD catches. Or, it may have been the fact that he was spewing Heath's fantasy stats to random passersby like he was a 4 time fantasy owner of the forgettable blocking specialist. Either way, it all culminated with him taking a late night picture posing as himself (Heath Miller) with 2 sizable Steelers fans at a local McDonalds. One up yourself Big Blake, you earned it.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes the Celtics to win by more than 2 in Philly on Friday night. It's St. Patrick's day after all, lets channel our inner Celtic Pride. Just another great movie performance by Shooter McGavin.

Pick of the Day: Celtics (-2) @ 76ers- CELTICS

Record:(61-46-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost

Central Cooling System

The NL Central is slowly becoming the NFC West; a division that total nerds like John Clayton and David Eckstein can make fun of. Look at the baseball teams in middle America. You have $140 million lineups that get less hits than this stupid website (Cubs) and a supposedly 'depressed' starting pitcher who is married to Miss Daytona '08 and is fracturing ribs going up for boards in a men's league (Zach Greinke-Brewers). For the first time in my life, the thought of Nebraska and Iowa owning MLB franchises doesn't sound like that bad of an idea. To make this blog unconventional and ultimately unbearable, I've decided to approach this blog by backwards design. In other words, were starting from the worst and heading towards first, maybe I can pick up some optimism before I preview the Cubs, Brewers and Reds next week.

Pittsburgh Pirates- A lot of gangs rock the Pirates flat-bill New Era hat for good reason--nobody else would be caught dead wearing that decrepit piece of headwear. The Buccos are the worst team in professional baseball. They haven't had a winning season since Ice Cube starred in Boyz N the Hood when it came out in theaters (1992). Since then, Cube has done Barbershop 2:Back in Business and has also starred in the TBS supposed comedy, Are We There Yet? Both the Pirates and the original member of NWA have seen better days. Unless the 2011 Pittsburgh squad can somehow capture the magic that was prevalent in the children's novel, Honus & Me, it's another season with a clear view from the NL Central cellar. Whatever, I'm sure they're used to it by now.

Houston Astros- No Berkman, no Oswalt, no chance. I honestly feel bad for Carlos Lee. He needs to be traded to the AL and DH the rest of his career like a reincarnated hybrid of Bobby Bonilla and Ruben Sierra. The only thing that I find interesting about the Astros is the contrast in speed between their two best players. The tortoise (Carlos Lee) and the hare (Michael Bourn) should make for some interesting pre-game footraces from foul line to foul line. Other than that, they're just a bad team that has to be thankful that God invented the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the Fielding Bible Award (a real thing) so Michael Bourn can own both. Oh, I almost forgot, they have Hunter Pence, so at least all of the Astros players will be able to attend the Houston Robotics Festival free of charge.

St. Louis Cardinals- the Cards have more problems than a teenager who could be cast on MTV's I Used to be Fat and Teen Mom at the same time. The only Wainwright that Tony LaRussa will see in a Cardinals uniform this season is if the openly gay Rufus Wainwright somehow signs on to sing the National Anthem at Busch Stadium in mid-August. Additionally, Chris Carpenter is still on the mend with a bad hammy and the Cardinals don't exactly have the loot to sign anyone with a $900,000,000,000 contract pending with phat Albert. Will the Cardinals eventually sign Pujols and smother the NL Central for the next decade? Yea, I think they will pony up and pay him his freight. But 2011 could be as bad as the movie 2012, or the song,"2012", if the Cards aren't very careful in their approach.

As for Pick of the Day, the Zags got into the dance and got the Pulse Man the W. For tonight, the Pulse Man likes the Bobcats getting 8 points in Charlotte against the red-hot Chicago Bulls. Money over everything, you said it Messy Marv.

Pick of the Day: Bulls @ Bobcats (+8)- BOBCATS

Record:(61-45-0)


Now I'm done. Rack me


Frost

Turkey Time

The last time I heard the phrase "Turkey Time" uttered, it was 2006 and the Pulse Man was throwing an undercooked turkey burger over the right field fence during regional baseball play at Lake Zurich High School. Since then, he has applied at the school for employment and for some strange reason was hired. Also during that 5 year span, the Bulls scouted and signed Turkish center, Omer Asik, who is winning over Chicago's collective heart one impressive performance at a time.

There are currently 5 NBA players who hail from the Eurasian country that stretches across the Anatolian peninsula in western Asia and Thrace in the Balkan region of southeastern Europe. These players include Hedo Turkoglu, Mehmet Okur, Ersan Ilyasova, Semih Erden and Omer Asik. By no matter of happenstance, these players seem to all possess the same greasy hair and lack of defensive prowess that the Euro league holds near and dear; except Omer. This 24 year old, 255 lb. Doug P. Wynn look-alike has been a product of rapid improvement for this year's Bulls. Earlier this month, the "Turkish Delight" became the first player in the longstanding history of the NBA to record 10 rebounds without even attempting a field goal. Aside from his unselfishness on the offensive end, Asik has solidified himself as one of the most active interior defenders in the Eastern Conference. Although his full name has more umlauts and accent marks than a German Heferweizen, the fans in this great basketball city are starting to become familiar with his name, his game, and his 7-foot frame.

When the city was up in arms after Chicago refused to deal their reserve big man for an overrated, troublesome OJ Mayo, I was confused. The only way I would want to acquire Mayo was to use him as a condiment if we somehow acquired Hedo Turkoglu from the Magic, making the Bulls the first team in the history of American professional basketball to be able to successfully compile a certifiable "turkey sandwich".

In holding onto Asik, the Bulls maintain the rights to the man in the middle who is currently holding onto these stats--2.26 PPG, 3.90 RPG, +5.49 Efficiency rating (an underrated stat). Even though those may seem like small potatoes for this particular Turkish import, I'm sure his presence in the post will prove to be invaluable during the last months of the season and on into the playoffs. Just look at what he's done over the course of the past 4 days. His 4 point, 9 rebound performance in Atlanta was the lone bright spot in the Bulls' unimpressive defeat in the dirty south. Then on Friday, he posted a 5 pt., 13 board performance against the NBA's top center, Dwight Howard, and only got posterized by the genetic freak on one occasion. Ladies and gentleman, the man, the myth, the Omer.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man thought the Heat would rebound to beat the Spurs on Friday and they ended up concluding their weekend apparently shedding tears in their own locker room. I guess he was a bit off. For Monday night, the Pulse Man likes Gonzaga to maintain their stranglehold on the West Coast Conference and defeat St. Mary's Australian-laden roster by more than a point.

Pick of the Day: Gonzaga (-1) @ St. Mary's- GONZAGA

Record:(60-45-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me

Frost