Cheli's finally Chillin'

At the age of 48, most once-upon-a-time professional athletes are either spending their time investing in some dead-end car agency like everyone's favorite Phillie Lenny Dykstra, or are unable to walk around the block due to a plethora of arthroscopic surgeries on their knees. I am glad to say that approaching his fifth decade of existence, Chris Chelios will be plagued by neither. Chelios decided today that sacrificing his dignity to skate around Allstate Arena on 15-day contracts with the Chicago Wolves trying to get Skates' autograph for his kids just wasn't worth it anymore. Hailing from Evergreen Park (shout out to A-Ball), Chelios grew up a Blackhawks fan and fulfilled his childhood dream when he laced up his CCM's for the Hawks from 1990-1999 (the golden years of Blackhawk hockey before the Kane/Toews era) before he jumped ship to skate for the rival Red Wings while winning 2 Stanley Cups in the process.

Say what you want negatively about Chelios--he played for Wisconsin in college, he's a traitor because he joined the Red Wings after playing a decade for the hawks, he owned an absolutely below average chili restaurant near the United Center while he played in Chicago. With the loss of Chelios, the NHL is now deprived of one of its greatest captains, most fearless competitors, and of course, the active leader in both games played and penalty minutes. Barring a late season IHL attempt of Cheli trying to take off his skate and stabbing people, he was the 'tough guy' NHL hockey player that Happy Gilmore aspired to be. He epitomized the mettle of a hockey player through an array of broken noses and lost teeth over the course of a 1,496 game career. People often times say that hockey players endure longer careers because of their abbreviated shifts on the ice, or the fact that skating is easier on the joints than most sports. I happen to believe that hockey players don't endure longer careers than most other athletes, they withstand their injuries, play through the pain and tough it out for their teammates, their franchise, and most of all, for the game. In most cases, hockey players are candidly put--tougher than everyone else, and Chris Chelios was one of the toughest in the game.

So as retirement is Chris Chelios' next endeavor and excessive amounts of golf and extended periods of time hogging the family room television will shortly ensue, Cheli can sit back and enjoy his 34'' LCD TV permanently tuned into NHLTV on his calfskin leather couch with a built in chili holder not far from the reach of his right hand. Perhaps with retirement, Cheli will be spending more time with his neighborhood cronies--the Malibu Mob. I'm guessing that these block parties usually consist of fart jokes with Ed O'Neill, mercilessly making fun of Tony Danza, and having enough Michelob Ultras to either hit on Justin Long's supermodel girlfriend, or sing 'Bawitdaba' karaoke with Kid Rock. Whatever he does, I hope he's carefree. Hell, he's earned it. Plus, the less time he spends training Red Wing defenseman-- the better.

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man once again has been putting together a modest 3 bet winning streak. He will also be featured on the ChicagoSportsNoise inaugural podcast Friday when we are trying to kill time on the long drive to Iowa City to watch his beloved Eastern Illinois Panthers and their idolized head coach Bob Spoo take on the hard-hitting Iowa Hawkeyes. For tomorrow, he likes the Red Sox and Reds to both win in a parlay for (+160). Pretty ballsy move for the Pulse.

Pick: parlay, Red Sox and Reds (+160)

Record:(14-11-0)

1st Manny being Manny moment: conducting a press conference in Spanish when he is clearly fluent in English and was born in Brooklyn. Purposely just a waste of Joey Cora's time, which was hysterical. 1-0 Manny.

Here Comes the 'Man' In Black

Some people thoroughly enjoy Will Smith and his second-rate movies, I am not one of those people. Similarly, some people have a complete distaste for professional athletes like Manny Ramirez, I, once again, am not one of these people. I have always been an advocate for Manny Ramirez and his baseball career, despite his sometimes childish antics on and off the field. Normally, if a player acts like a 19 year old juvenile delinquent when he's a professional, I would chastise him. But in Manny Ramirez's case, he does so at such an effortless capacity that you can't help but smirk at the dumbfounding style in which he goes about his 'business' (not necessarily talking about how he goes to the bathroom).

In Boston, the Red Sox faithful adored Manny for his ability to blast tape measure home runs over the green monster into the Boston night sky with such an insouciant demeanor you'd think he just received a happy ending massage from the team trainer. Then, after he won his two rings and wore out his welcome by bumbling around left field with a blindfold on and making it entirely explicit that he wasn't trying (who does this over the age of 7?), Boston shipped him off to Hollywood to give a new city and managerial staff a chance to experience "Manny being Manny". In Mannywood, he came out guns blazing and injected a shot of energy into the Los Angeles baseball scene that previously relied on Vinny Chase from Entourage playing right field (Andre Ethier) and Turtle (Russel Martin) catching as the only excitable things happening in Dodger Stadium. Then, the 'Manny being Tranny' phase began as he was busted with female fertility pills in his system that were for some reason banned by the MLB (perhaps Bud Selig wanted to ensure that no pregnant women were going to join a late season contender just to lean over the plate and take one for the team off their baby bump). After this, Manny's suspension led the Dodger's management to second guess who Manny Ramirez really is and stop catering to his asinine demands like having Joe Torre arrange for him a blind date with Ke$ha. Now he finds himself and his run producing bat toting the waiver wire with a very interesting suitor waiting to claim him--the Chicago White Sox.

Ozzie Guillen has made it known to the Chicago media that he doesn't think Manny's infantile personality will disrupt the karma in the Sox clubhouse and also acknowledged the possibility of Manny's bat in the middle of the lineup helping the South siders keep up with the Twins. Most of us know by know that when there is a free agent that could help the club, Kenny Williams goes out and gets the job done. (funny how teams have cap room to sign people when they're not paying an overrated, 33 year old, Japanese outfielder who hits .260 14 mill!) So, with the possibility of Manny wearing silver and black by Saturday morning, Sox fans are understandable excited. Over the past two trade deadlines, the silver and black have acquired a Cy Young Award Winner (Jake Peavy) and possibly the MLB's all time leader in post season home runs and RBI's--prett-ay impressive stuff.

Additionally, I think uniting Ozzie and Manny's personalities can combine for some of the most fabled broken-English press conferences the sports world has seen since Omar Samhan's witticism during tournament time last March. Imaginably, Manny can see this relationship similarly to the friendship he endured with Pedro Martinez in Boston and things like bringing midgets into the locker room, whimsically cutting off relay throws from the outfield, and winning AL championships can once again be seen as commonplace.

As for pick of the day, Aaron Rodgers really made the Pulse Man look knowledgeable as the Pack hung 59 on the defending AFC champions in a game that played out like a 60 minute offensive power play. With the steam of a 2 game winning streak trailing from the back of his worn down pair of Nike Cortez's, he has decided to trust the USA national basketball team to cover the 23 point spread they are facing against the Croatian national team (Toni Kukoc isn't playing) on Saturday at (-105). I Still think it's a hoax Rondo isn't on that team--wasn't he arguably the best player in the league besides Kobe in the postseason? In other news, Brewers ace Yovani Gallardo was robbed at gunpoint in Milwaukee yesterday--stay classy Wisconsin.

Pick of the Day: USA vs. Croatia, FIBA Basketball. Pick- USA -23 (-105)

Record:(13-11-0)

Hawk or Buck: 'Eye' balling the Big 10

Although I am painstakingly looking forward to another absolutely forgettable season from both of Illinois' Big 10 football teams, we're going to have to look further than Evanston or Champaign to find the recipients of 2010's Big 10 title (Actually, who knows? Illinois is off 'the Juice') Still, the Big 10 boasts 4 top 15 teams and one coach who is literally one stub of the toe away from being 6 feet under at the State College Memorial Cemetery. Although the Big 10 race is always unpredictable, this year's season might go up and down more than Van Morrison's vocal harmony. So, I'm not going to waste my time and discuss the faint scenarios in which Northwestern and Illinois become relevant in the conference title race, or even the dubious case of perennial conference bottom-feeder Indiana beating the high powered Towson Tigers in their season opener. Instead, I will preview the possible champions of the Big 10 in my opinion(Iowa, Wisconsin, Ohio State) and the college students that are having their tuition paid for to take them there. Couldn't these scholarships be awarded to scientists? Then again, how uninteresting would that be. Lets just keep giving them to these people.

IOWA: Last season: Orange Bowl Champions, (11-2,6-2), AP rank #7. Preseason ranking: 9.

If Iowa football lives up to their expectations this year, Iowa City could become as chaotic as an Oasis reunion concert in Manchester. Iowa has a favorable schedule and play all their biggest games in the comfort of Kinnick Stadium (Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan St., Wisconsin). Now, I'm not saying that Iowa is invisible at home. But, the mass amount of 19 year old kids (did I say 19? because I think everyone in Iowa does this) waking up at 7 and attending a 'totally sick' Keggs n Eggs tailgate party to get all wound up really gets the hawks going. Even though Iowa has home-field advantage throughout the Big 10 season, there are some definite question marks for Iowa. For example, is Ricky Stanzi really a quarterback that could potentially take you to a national title game? After Iowa's comeback in the Orange Bowl and his "love it or leave it" American rally speech that sounded like he was at a 4th of July rally dressed in an Uncle Sam costume, I realized that this was never Ricky Stanzi's team--he just sold the most XS jerseys to sorority girls in the campus book store. Although Stanzi is 18-4 all time as a starter (which is damn good in the Big 10 when you don't play for Ohio State), he has only completed 56% of his passes in his career as a Iowa football player/Vito's Bar socialite. He also threw 15 picks last year, 4 of which were taken back to the house. Iowa doesn't need Stanzi to be Colt Brennan, and Kirk Ferentz won't ask him to be. For Iowa to be successful and make a run at another BCS appearance, they just need to lean on Adrian Clayborn and the Hawks D, and throw to Marv McNutt as much as possible,he does after all have the best name in the Big 10.

Ohio State: Last season: Rose Bowl Champions, (11-2,7-1) Big 10 Champs, AP rank #5. Preseason ranking: 2

Although nobody outside the state of Ohio really gives a damn about Ohio State football, they are simply the best program in the Big 10. And, after Lebron leaving Cleveland, the Browns trading every recognizable person on their roster, and the Indians becoming perpetually awful, the Bucks are really all Ohio's got. So, the citizens of the Buckeye state are understandably wound up their team being the preseason #2 and the front-runner for the Big 10 title. Although they lost Malcolm Jenkins, Beanie Wells, and James Laurinaitis to the NFL, they return the most dangerous offensive weapon in the Big 10--Terelle Pryor. After what you can believe was a disappointing 2009 season for Pryor (Preseason Big 10 POY and not even being named All-Big 10), he was still the Rose Bowl MVP and helped his team win the Big 10 title while amassing hundreds of those tiny mosquito helmet stickers in the process. This upcoming year will be his junior season, and depending on the success that comes with it, it might be his last. Good news for Buckeye fans: they will absolutely dismantle their rival Michigan this year. Bad news: they have Iowa and Wisco on the road. These are two tough games and with a younger D than the 3rd brother in Malcolm in the Middle, I think they'll drop one of them. Still, depending on the seasons that the rest of the Big 10 put together, one loss might still do the trick for an outright title.

Wisconsin: Last Season: Champs Sports Bowl Champions, (10-3,5-3), AP Rank #16, Preseason Ranking: 12

It would be a trendy pick for me to hail Bucky as the 2010 Big 10 Champs because they start the northwest suburb's native son, Scott Tolzien under center, but it would be a touch too trite for me. After attending college in Wisconsin and spending Saturday's seeing people in camouflage badger hats and blaze orange hunting vests with the motion W on the left breast, I have learned a few things about their beloved Bucky Badgers. They are incredibly boring to watch, they are sure-fire choke artists one Saturday a year, and Wisconsinites are eternally sour for never making the BCS--they simply can't do it. In 2009, their token bad loss was to Northwestern (Iowa last to the Mildcats too, in fact). In 2008, it was a loss to Michigan and a one point victory over Cal Poly! It's almost become part of Wisconsin culture. They hunt in the fall, drink a quart of blackberry brandy on Thanksgiving, and their beloved Badgers drop a big game to some underachieving team sometime in September or November. Now I'm not saying that Wisconsin won't be good, because they will--they return 15 starters. All I'm saying that this isn't their BCS year. They will inevitably lose to Ohio State and then Iowa and you can almost guarantee they will lose to another team they shouldn't along the way. I'm thinking the Governors of Austin Peay in week 4, just kidding. Think @ Purdue in week 10. Still, the Badgers boast my favorite Big 10 player in QB Scott Tolzien, even if he does have a below average haircut.

After all this analysis, I am going to go out on a limb and take Iowa as the 2010 Big 10 Champs based on a BIG, upset win in Iowa City on the second to last Saturday of the year. In actuality, am I really hoping for an Iowa Big 10 title or another chance for Stanzi to handle the microphone? Who knows? Probably both. The rest of the Big Ten predictions are below.

Iowa
Ohio St.
Wisconsin, Penn State (tie)
Purdue
Michigan St.
Northwestern
Illinois
Indiana
Minnesota
Michigan

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man is once again going to preseason football for his pick de jour. Tonight, he is taking Aaron Rodgers and the Packers to cover the -4 at home against the Colts. Some are billing this as a Super Bowl preview so it should be some more riveting preseason action. Lambeau will inevitably be packed because its Thursday night, people in Green Bay haven't even heard of the Jersey Shore yet.

Pick of the Day: Colts @ Packers. PACKERS -4 (-200)

Record: (12-11-0)

30 for 30: Jordan Rides the Bus Review

After learning that the director of the first Michael Jordan 30 for 30 documenting his brief baseball career was Ron Shelton, I was thoroughly enthused. After all, he did direct Bull Durham and Tin Cup--two personal favorites of mine, and I speculated whether we would learn of stories of Jordan wearing woman's underwear in the minors ala Nook LaLoosh or making making performance induced bets like Tin Cup's protagonist, Roy McAvoy (which really isn't too far fetched of an idea). Instead, we got a wide scale look at how Jordan turned the Birmingham Barons into a more lucrative franchise than the Pittsburgh Pirates for one summer, despite their 10,000 seat stadium and a fan base with less high school diplomas than the city of Loves Park.

The documentary showed a few character traits that are essential to the Michael Jordan brand, and his ultimate success as an athlete. First off, the man was as dedicated as the day is long. With testimonials from his hitting coach and former manager turned Red Sox hero Terry Francona, we are able to see that Jordan didn't half-ass his baseball career. Think about the situation, you haven't played baseball since you were 18 (when he was a pitcher), and you look about as natural in a baseball uniform as Shawn Bradley in a roller rink. After shaking off some understandable rust after a near 15 year hiatus from the sport while you were off building your multi-million dollar empire doing something else, you come back to hit .255 with 51 RBI's (let's just pretend like the 11 E's in RF never happened, we do it for Manny). I'd venture you'd chalk that one up as a win, even if you are the "best athlete" in the world.

To leave your sport when you're at the top of the pyramid is something that no athlete had ever done before. Jordan had the same stranglehold on the NBA in the early 90's that Undertaker has on Wrestlemania, not even David Stern's whiny voice pleading him to come back could keep him around--a plead that probably sounded as desperate as the Spin Doctor's 2nd album. I thought the documentary highlighted Jordan's lack of motivation for basketball in 1994 well, but it will forever be difficult to analyze Jordan's vocation change from sport to sport. Was he motivated by his father's death? To pursue his childhood dream? If Jordan would have succeeded emphatically in baseball, Disney could cast Omar Epps as a 30 year old Jordan and turn this into a PG-13 movie. Instead, Jordan realized that he owed it to the world (more importantly, Chicago) to play basketball and produce a line of overpriced sports gear that will make him more many in the future than most small European countries.

At the end of the hour long production, I came to the notion that the director had documented this atypical story quite well. No one knows why Jordan wanted to forgo two years of basketball in his absolute prime (3 peat, already had 3 MVP's) to go strikeout on 12-6 curveballs in the deep south. No one knows why his dad was half drunk at a rest stop on the border between the Carolinas. No one knows why they interviewed the local fisherman that probably couldn't spell the word "buzz" (neither could Billy Madison)in the documentary. Ron Shelton showed us how hard it is to make a good documentary on speculation and assumption. After all, most often times Jordan did things the way he wanted, and often got the result he desired. But ahhh....baseball, the sport that John Kruk can succeed at that Michael Jordan couldn't--what a beautiful game.

Things I liked: Obviously, the local fisherman interview. The interview with his supposed high-school friend who looks like the local mail carrier in Wilmington. No way Jordan has talked to that dude in 25 years. Terry Francona. Great baseball mind, love his style.

Things I didn't like: Overindulgence with worthless members of Birmingham experience (i.e.: real estate agent, bus driver, etc.) Those people had to be ecstatic of the fact that they were on TV--too bad none of them can afford cable. More of the reaction of NBA fans, especially Chicago during the season when 23 was steppin' in the bucket.

Overall, good performance from 30 for 30 as always. I've liked most of them except the stupid ones about marching bands or women's athletics. If you're going to air things like that on TV, do it on BET and TLC. Really looking forward to the one on Bartman, hopefully they find him in Florida selling used tires in seersucker suits (or something even weirder). Overall Grade: B+

Sorry to disappoint but there will be no pick of the day for today from the Pulse Man. He has received a 24 hour break from the website and will resume his position tomorrow. He would however, like to boast about his correct bet in the Ddogers/Brewers game from last night which pushes him to 12-11. He is excited for Manny to potentially become a member of the white sox, his favorite color is green, and he once completed an entire season on the bowling team in high school...kid definitely deserves a day off.

Scammin' Sammy Slammin' the City

First off, let me start off by informing you guys that I really didn't want to write about the Cubs today. Nobody wants to hear about them being 20 some odd games under .500 and picking up a meaningless road win against the lowly Nationals and Donkey Dunn last night--I completely agree. But, with the blog previews of college and professional football looming on the horizon for later this week, I figured it was probably the last time I would write about the Cubs for at least a week or so. I won't bore you with the intricacies of comparing the distance of John Daly's 9 iron with the hardest hit ball of Darwin Barney's life, or discussing who if Mike Quade is now officially a more famous Prospect High School alumni than Lee DeWyze, rather I will be discussing the moronic undertones involved in Sammy Sosa's comments directed towards the Cubs in Chicago magazine recently. If you are unaware of what he said, please read the paragraphs below and keep in mind that Sosa had the most serious of intentions when quoted for this article. Because of Sammy Sosa's deep thinking mentality,(remember, he corked a bat for batting practice and "mistakenly" used it during the real game) I have chosen to dissect Sammy's monologue piece by piece. I think we all get a better understanding of his rationale that way, which may or may not be more sideways than the post motorcycle accident thinking of actor Gary Busey. Don't forget, he was once a cub himself.

"My numbers should be untouchable because of the things that I did for that organization, that right there shows me that they don't care about me and they don't want to have a good relationship with me." Slammin Sammy

It is important to realize that all of these quotes were spoken in the Sammy Sosa spanglish (not the Adam Sandler movie) accent that is about as comprehensible as directions from a gas station attendant at a highway Citgo. As for the content, what numbers are you talking about Sammy? Oh yea, the numbers you achieved when you were funneling human growth hormone pills down your throat faster than Adam Richman takes down a pastrami sandwich? Why would we care about your tainted numbers that you achieved through cheating? Should we acknowledge a 12 year old's accomplishment when he cheats at scrabble and assembles "sup" as a credible word? No, we don't. I'm not sure what you were taught in the DR with all the birth certificate forging (one of the top 10 sports interviews of all time) and mass consumption of animal tranquilizers that goes on over there, but when you cheat in professional sports, nobody acknowledges "your numbers". And we should be taking care of you because of the "things you did for the organization"? Things like thrusting the Cubs into the steroids spotlight of the MLB in the mid to late 90's and embarrassing yourself and the Cubs by being a grown man who couldn't withhold from the temptation of cheating like some unprepared sophomore on a high school economics test? Nobody wants a relationship with you Sosa, not the cubs, not even any female after the skin pigment disease you just encountered that can probably be attributed to injecting needles into your rear end incessantly in 1997. Just do us all a favor and disappear. (didn't have the heart to insert a Ken Caminiti joke here because even dead or alive, that man still scares me)

"My numbers don't lie. Everything I did was so big--my career was so good--that even if people want to scratch it from the board, it's not going to happen. Those numbers are going to stay there forever."

Once again in this excerpt, Sammy refers to his beloved "numbers" as his calling card for why he should be more respected around baseball. He even exclaims that his "numbers don't lie" when in actuality, his numbers do nothing except lie. How are those numbers in good faith when we never really know if he used a corked bat, or if his testicles were the size of Sun-Maid Raisins after all of the steroids his body endured. And to say his career was SO good is another thing that should be called into question. In order for a player to have the right to refer to their career in that light, they better be a first ballot hall-of-famer or have the same egocentric complex that Rickey Henderson possessed (note: Rickey Henderson was also a first ballot hall-of-famer). But, Sosa will not be that guy. He will be remembered as a player whose team never was in contention and who did nothing but botch outfield assists like a left fielder in a Pony League game (the kid that picks his nose and has no motor skills always plays RF at that age--just like Sammy), be a perpetual strikeout victim, and hit a tainted home run in every 5th at bat when the Cubs were already down 6-2 in the late innings. Maybe his numbers will stay there forever, who knows? Who cares? They were all a lie, his transformation from a base stealing outfielder with the Sox, to some roided out freak with the Orioles, to a now colorless ghost was all a lie. Sorry to say it so shamelessly Sammy but sometimes steroids suck (how's that for alliteration?).

One thing Sosa should be commended for was that he was the guy who put fans in the bleachers for the Cubs during an abysmal stretch of seasons in the 90's. He sold tickets, merchandise, and all sorts of memorabilia throughout his career. But the bottom line is, he did it all the wrong way. Maybe St. Louis reached out to Mark McGwire because he acknowledged his wrongdoings and admitted his guilt modestly like a professional without venting to some magazine profile reporter like some forgotten son. Once again, you could hit the ball a long way Sammy, but your career and future aspirations remained short sighted.

I promise this is the last Cubs blog you will see for quite some time. In fact, you will see some college and pro football previews in the upcoming days as I alluded to earlier and will also be writing a review and of the 30 for 30: Jordan Rides the Bus that airs tonight at 8. If you want to throw out some suggestions for the college or pro football previews or share musings on any topic, please write to chicagosportsnoise@gmail.com , I haven't received a legitimate email yet, so I foresee that being a rewarding feeling.

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man for some reason believed in Matt Leinart and the Cards Monday night in the QB rematch of the epic Texas/USC National Championship game in 2006, and it came back to bite him. Desperate for a win and some self respect, he has chosen former Cub Theodore Roosevelt Lilly to dismantle Dave Bush and the Brewers at (-120). The Brewers are a better team at home, but Dave Bush couldn't win a game a game of mancala, let alone a professional baseball game.

Pick of the Day: Dodgers @ Brewers- DODGERS (-120)

Record:(11-11-0)

Marri-outed

It can be said without reservation that sports reporter Jay Mariotti can certainly cause a stir. He consistently irks people the wrong way (how many people do you know that enjoy his presence on Around the Horn?) and almost always leaves a trail of controversy and insensitivity behind him to his newest endeavor. When you are as brash and as outspoken as Mariotti is, especially towards the city that you formerly worked in for 19 years, when you get in a Chris Brown/Rihanna-like scuffle at a Hollywood nightclub, you leave yourself susceptible to ridicule like a home desktop leaves itself open to backdoor trojan viruses from streaming live Alexis Texas videos.

Although Mariotti was tenured for 19 years at the Chicago Sun-Times, he repeatedly took the side against the fabled sports franchises from his home city. In fact, the artless columnist once got into a physical altercation with Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson and prompted Ozzie Guillen to feelinglessly refer to him as a "fag". After Mariotti removed himself from the Chicago Sun Times and the city of Chicago altogether for the bright lights and socialite lifestyle in the city of angels, he continues to have his detractors grinning as he finds himself once again in search of another job. Most likely, ESPN will remove his position on Around the Horn and replace him with everyone's favorite braces and ponytail clad African American columnist, Michael Holley. AOL has already said that they are looking into getting the concrete details of the altercation before they make a decision on Mariotti's ultimate future at the internet company. So, in other words, as soon as they find out that Mariotti drowned his self-depression in 12 Tom Collins mixers, proceeded to try to give his wife an indian burn until she became absolutely mortified and frightened, and then finally found himself handcuffed in the back of a squad car with a .21 BAC, AOL's decision will ultimately be made for itself.

After Mariotti posts his $50,000 and finds himself riding the unemployment line with Rex Grossman after he gets cut from the Redskins next week, he will no longer have the money to maintain his highway robbery Hollywood lifestyle, or move back to Chicago and live off the Wildorf Salad at the Wildfire Restaurant in Schaumburg. It's safe to say at this point that Jay Mariotti's credibility has sunk to the level of Chumlee from Pawn Stars and that finding a new job in the journalism industry is going to be about as likely Joakim Noah NOT purchasing drug paraphernalia and the Ziggy Marley vinyl from some random smoke shop in Lombard. The truth is, Mariotti will no longer be hearing the soothing sounds of a mariachi band when he takes his wife out for a Mexican dinner, he will instead be hearing the extended silence of a single twin bed room at the Courtyard by Marriott, good luck Mariott-i.

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man finally got stung by the hair of the dog that bit him as his hometown Chicago White Sox dropped the game he liked them in against the Twins last week. Today, he has shifted his focus to preseason Monday Night Football and likes Matt Leinart, his beer bong, and Larry Fitzgerald to cover the 4 point cushion they have been given against the Tennessee Titans. They are getting pretty good odds at (+170) and should be a thrilling and invigorating 3 hours of preseason football. It feels great to get started with the football bets this season.

Pick of the Day: Cardinals vs. Titans- CARDINALS +4 (+170)

Record: (11-10-0)

Free D. Lee

With rumors of Derek Lee leaving swirling around in the air like an STD at a Wauconda High School keg party, it is time to weigh the implications of Lee's possible departure from Chicago. D. Lee has been a consistent run producer on the cubs' post-Bartman depression teams (he was on the 2002 WS Champion Florida Marlins team that beat the Cubs in the NLCS)that has played out more realistically like a menacing case of postpartom depression. But his shortcomings in the heart of the Cubs order this season have forced Cubs management to contemplate moving the stalwart first baseman and his robust salary to the land run by Jermaine Dupri and Ludacris...Hot-lanta.

The Cubs owe it to Lee to let him go to a contender for a couple last shots at another ring in the twilight of his career. Besides the two incidents of Derek trying to go Irish Billy Collins on Chris Young and finding himself in a Ryan Leaf-esque screaming match with Carlos "suelto" Zambrano in the dugout earlier this summer, Derek has been a pretty calming influence amidst the Ringling Circus that is Cubs baseball. By this point, Derek is sick of taking his kids to the Haunted Trails amusement park in Burbank and would rather huff an entire bottle of Rustoleum than finish (no pun intended) the season with the current Cub squad. Give the guy a break, he would rather be Will Smith's stunt double than the Cubs first baseman at this point in time, so let him ride out of town with his skullcandy headphones gently soothing the John Legend, Get Lifted CD into his ears.

By moving Lee to Atlanta, it would move Tyler Colvin over into his natural position at first base rather than roaming left field aimlessly like some unidentifiable shepherd in a nativity scene. With that happening, the Cubs would then have established one of the youngest infields in the National League with Aramis Ramirez standing in as the only infielder able to rent a mid-size economy car from Enterprise until Colvin turns 25 September 5. So, if it is possible to rebuild and move towards a youth movement with the 3rd highest payroll in professional baseball, getting rid of Derek Lee would be a formidable start. With Chipper Jones suffering a season ending injury and seeing his role on the Braves being reduced to "producing children out of wedlock on east coast road trips", the Braves could use a veteran run-producer like Lee in the middle of their lineup to give them a chance to capture the ML east pennant. With all that being said, don't be surprised if you hear a slightly altered version of the "free carl lee!" chant you heard from a collection of Alabama Civil Rights activists in a A Time To Kill echoing around the bleacher seats in the next few days.

As for pick of the day, thanks to Clay Bucholz shutout of the Angels last night, Pulse Man moved to 2 games above .500 at 11-9. Tonight, aside from betting against Nickelback frontman Chad Krueger to be asked to sing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley, or achieving any level of decency for his life's entirety, he likes his hometown go-go White Sox and Gavin Floyd to steal one from the Twinkies in the Twin Cities. So, the bet is on the White Sox at an astounding (+138) at Target (pronounced tar-zhay) Field.

Pick of the Day: White Sox@ Twins- WHITE SOX (+138)

Record:(11-9-0)

Grounded for Life

Before the summer of 2010, Dustin Johnson was known in most golf circles as the extraordinary ball-striker with exceptional sideburns and immense potential. After the 2010 US Open, he became the young man who hung an 82 on the scorecard in Sunday's final round like he was some Northbrook insurance salesman testing out his new set of sticks. After yesterday, he will forever be known as the unfortunate acceptor of a two stroke penalty for grounding his club in a bunker on the last hole of a 72 hole tournament. But Dustin Johnson's act of humility after the incident Sunday should resonate with the viewers of the PGA Championship more than the results of his chicken-scratched scorecard should. As I sat there and watched the disheartening footage of Johnson changing his score with one of those midget pencils, and listening to his melancholy interview that followed, I thought to myself "Damn, this dude just lost a cool 250 Grrr! At Least!" How is he going to explain to his wife that he bought her a Whistling Straits Dri-Fit T Shirt instead of taking her on a trip to the South of France? How is going to sleep without a generous handful of Tylenol PM knowing that he had a legitimate chance at winning 2 majors this summer and finished tied for 8th and 5th respectively? I guess nobody knows but Dustin himself.

Still, Dustin's placid demeanor is something that must be commended. Even if Johnson wanted to whack the PGA Rules committee officer like Pesci in Goodfellas when that shmohawk kept asking him to shine his shoes, he never let it show on the air. He didn't steal the spotlight from Bubba "Beach Boys in my Bose" Watson and Martin Kaymer, he simply walked away. Although I would have felt even worse for DJ had he made the birdie putt on 18 to give him the tournament win, I have never seen a professional athlete lose hundreds of thousands of dollars so gracefully (Well, I'm sure when Pacman Jones made it rain in the scrip club and guaranteed himself to not be signed by a team for at least 2 years, his BAC had to be high enough to make him graceful, so I take that back). Dustin knew he screwed up, dealt with consequential repercussions and walked away with his caddie, who now had "most lovable loser in golf" pinned on the back of his construction worker vest. (If I was a caddie, I would ask someone why we have to dress like the biggest dorks in sports)

Until Dustin Johnson wins a major and his sideburns shine in the summer sun's rays like a penny on the green, he can now consider himself pre-2004 Phil Mickelson. Even though Dustin can contribute his meltdowns to mental errors, bad shots, and stroke penalties rather than the corpulent man boobs and terrible visors that plagued Phil's championship career for over a decade--he is still going to be watched closer than every other 26 year old golfer on tour. Every summer DJ will have to hear Jim Nantz ask his partner in the soothing tone that only Jim Nantz can, "is this the event for Dustin Johnson?

In a sport like golf, we rarely get to see the personality of the players in what is perhaps the world's most frustrating game. Unless of course you are the most marketable athlete in the world sleeping with porn stars and your 21 year old next-door neighbors rather than your Swedish supermodel wife. In wonderful,comedic sports movies like Tin Cup and Happy Gilmore, we are introduced to colorful, engaging characters that personify the ups and downs of a very challenging game. They give us a glimpse into the realm of professional golfer behavior, however improbable the story-lines of these movies may be and even if they aren't donning Boston Bruins sweaters and blue sweatpants. Still, Dustin's composure in a moment filled with intense frustration should surely be admired as much as Martin Kaymer's win, Happy's putter throw, or Tin Cup breaking nearly every club in his bag and paring the back 9 with a 7 iron. Dustin Johnson represented the world's most gentlemanly game in the only way he knew how--like a gentleman.

As for pick of the day, only one of Pulse Man's picks in the PGA made the cut (Tiger) and I don't even think Hunter Mahan even competed--shows how much time he has on his hands now as a full-time employee at Libertyville High School. Yes, he does more than cafeteria supervision. However, he still won his baseball bet with the Brewers and got to the double digit plateau in wins. For Tuesday night, he likes the Angels and Red Sox to combine for under 8 runs tomorrow behind the pitching of Jerred Weaver and Clay Bucholz. Hopefully you will all be tuned into ESPN mobile gamecast on your Blackberry's.

Pick of the Day: Angels @ Red Sox- UNDER 8 runs

Record: (10-9-0)

Good-bye to the Bayou

With the recent mid-series trade of Mike Fontenot, the Cubs have officially parted ways with the "cajun connection" or the "andouille double play" if you will. No longer will Cub fans see a pair of diminutive, cajun, former LSU teammates collecting ground-balls like they once collected beads from flashers at the mardi gras parade. No longer will Jeff Baker have to walk by their lockers and tell them, "will you guys please turn down the CCR? It's making me swing at the worst pitch of the at-bat every time and effectively have a .284 OBP." Even though the two of them were enduring passable at best seasons, it still tastes bitter to see them pack their Zatarains Dirty Rice Mix and head to relative contenders.

In wishing good riddance to Theriot and Fontenot, like in any mediocre relationship, we must try to remember the good things. Like when they both found themselves on the big club in 2008 and visiting announcers wrongly pronounced their french-creole surnames like they were some Yankee tourist in a Paris hostile. And, in 2008 when both middle infielders had arguably their best seasons. After being called up from Iowa, Fontenot played in 119 games and hit .305 with 9 homers. This was the year when Cub fans would get excited when Fontenot strolled to the plate with his 44 inch bat. But, once he became the permanent replacement for the winsome and wooing Mark DeRosa, he could never settle in--both in the batters box, and in the dusty area he used to play on the right side of the Wrigley infield. Theriot on the other hand, had always been relatively consistent at 2nd and at short for the Cubs, as well as at the plate in any part of the order. In fact, he had a .384 OBP in 2008 and was an NL All-Star. In those times, those dainty "you can't quiet the riot" T-shirts were worn more prevalently worn around Wrigley field than those makeshift Hawaiian style baseball club shirts you always unfortunately seem to find in a trip to a game (don't tell me you haven't seen one of these). Still, with the Cubs trying to lower their cap like all non-contenders have to, they traded these former fixes in the Cub infield and have decided to go younger.

In what Cub management plans as the middle-infield renaissance, they have cast rookie Starlin Castro as the permanent fixture at shortstop, and recent trade acquisition Blake DeWitt as the new two bagger. Although I admit I wasn't a big advocate of the trade, I do like the youth up the middle for the Cubs. With DeWitt turning 25 at the end of the month and Castro barely being old enough to peel the wrappers of his Cuban cigars (he's 20), the Cubs prospectively could have these two players rolling twin killings into the prime of Miley Cyrus' acting career (2018-2022??). So, as much as looking towards the future is essential in the lifeblood of a Cubs fan, the future looks to not need a transfusion for at least a few years, or at least until Castro stops ordering chicken fingers on team charters.

As for pick of the day, a jovial Pulse Man came back from the Cell with a Sox win and division tie, along with a 9-9 record in his inaugural Pick of the Year season. In baseball, the Pulse likes Randy Wolf and the Brew Crew to cover the 1.5 run spread against the D-Backs at (+135). Also, to keep things fresh, he has chosen 3 guys that he likes the odds with in the PGA Tour Championship at Whistling Straits. As an avid golfer himself, I'm sure that he has watched enough golf with a family-size bag of Lays Barbecue chips on his lap to make an educated guess. With that being said, his chosen golfers are listed below.

Pick(s) of the Day(s): Diamondbacks@Brewers- BREWERS -1.5 (+135)
PGA Championship: Hunter Mahan, Ryo Ishikawa, Tiger Woods (go ahead, bet against him)

Record:(9-9-0)

Broadcaster Disaster

Last year when the White Sox organization moved Darrin Jackson (or DJ Clue-less) over to 670 The Score to do the radio analysis and put Steve Stone back on TV, I thought to myself, "Great, now the White Sox are only one broadcaster removal away from me being able to watch the game without muting the television and blasting The Strokes, Room on Fire CD in my parents' basement." That one man left to remove is of course, the inept flounder of a broadcaster-- Ken "Hawk" Harrelson. I know some White Sox fans may claim to adore listening to Hawk in a 'senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose' kind of way, they really are just covering up their annoyance toward him any way they can. In reality, there is no way fans can possibly enjoy his incoherent musings on his .239 career batting average, 8 second silence spells, or constantly uttering unintelligible tag lines like "this ballgame is....OVAH!!!" 150 some-odd times per season. The only job Hawk Harrelson should have ever received in baseball was the role of the discordant broadcaster on Bull Durham who was vocally equipped with the same southern drawl as Harrelson. He should have taken the fame achieved from inventing the batting glove in the early 1960's (true story) and the dangling loose skin hanging from his chin and went back to South Carolina with all the other bumbling once-upon-a-time-major-leaguers.

Now I don't dislike hawk because he is a homer, or care that he blatantly shows his allegiance towards the White Sox on the air, he is simply a BAD broadcaster. If you don't watch the White Sox regularly, you have no clue as to what he could be talking about on a given play. With his assortment of southern pet-names for baseball plays he learned in some tobacco field, some listeners don't know whether he's talking about professional baseball or the woman's suffrage movement in South Carolina. In a good play-by-play analyst, you need to have someone with an affectionate baseball voice (think: Costas, Buck, Scully) rather than having some 65 year old man screaming "HE GONE" after every strikeout like he just left the set of a Lil John music video.

Don't get my point wrong in this blog and think that I dislike him because he is a southern, old man who has put down more Johnnie Walker Black Label in his life than Waylon Jennings, because that is not the case. I have no problem with teams letting their long-time broadcasters virtually dying in the television/radio booth. If they're good broadcasters, you can cremate them in the booth for all I care because they have dedicated their entire life to that particular baseball franchise. But in Hawk's case, he needs put the mic down and retire. Especially now that the White Sox have put themselves in a competitive division race and Cub nation is drifting faster and faster into complete indifference towards NL baseball every single day, the White Sox might get more viewership than they have had the last couple of years. However, for the White Sox to keep that viewership and have people enjoy their exciting and fundamentally sound ball club, Hawk needs to "strap it on and hunker down" at a tolerable and comprehensible level. That's all I ask--"THIS BLOG IS OVAHH!!!!" and no, Hawk nobody is "bleeping you", that's just the way people feel. If you don't believe me, visit www.heavethehawk.com

As for pick of the day, when Pulse Man promoted the Reds/Cards as his pick of the day, he didn't realize he was predicting a bench-clearing brawl with his baseball betting tarot cards. And since he's under the .500 mark at 8-9 after last night's loss, he has less self-confidence than a teenage mom on the Tyra show. Either way,since he is going to be in attendance for the White Sox/Twins game tomorrow, he seems quite certain that his mesh,White Sox visor can lead the Sox to victory at the Cell. So, he's taking the White Sox on the money line tomorrow at (-110). Look for him on TV either streaking through right field like he did at the powder puff game in high school, or attempting to start the wave passionately in upper deck section 332.

Pick of the Day: Twins @ White Sox. WHITE SOX- moneyline (-110)

Record:(8-9-0)

Pippen Aint Easy

As I watched a late-night NBATV special last night documenting Scottie Pippen's career as he is now being inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame soon, I realized two things: 1) how under-appreciated Pippen was considering the amount of intangibles he contributed to the Bulls empire in the 1990's, and 2)he exhibits less voice inflection in interviews than Ben Stein. In fact, I am convinced that if Pippen taught Consumer Economics at my high school, I definitely wouldn't have graduated and would probably be pedaling Dum Dums suckers for nickels and dimes outside Ogilvy Train Station. Regardless, for some reason people tend to scrutinize "Pip" (not the character from Great Expectations) for a variety of reasons. I don't know how this rumor possibly spread throughout the entire city limits of Chicago, but he is almost always castigated by Chicago civilians and referred to as "No Tippin Pippen". Did every Bulls fan from 1991-1998 tend bar at LaSalle Power Company for an extended period of time to learn this information? I even heard once that Pippen and his wife would rent outfits from expensive department stores downtown only to return them the next day. If this is true, I wouldn't be so much disgusted with Pip as I would be applauding Scottie's frugality. He was just giving that outfit a "test-drive" and it didn't flatter is 6'9'' figure. When you're 6'9'' and have to buy tailored suits, you have the right to make fun of him. If not, go back to Jos A. Bank with your coworkers on your lunch break and raid the clearance rack during the 2 for 1 dress shirt sale--because that's not being cheap, right?.

Also, people knock Scottie for "taking himself out" when the Zen master opted to let Kukoc take the final shot against the Knicks in 1994 (a shot Kukoc made). Scottie got pissed, overreacted, and threw a hissy fit and people have always chastised him and questioned his loyalty as a teammate to the Bulls. This was Pippen's one lump on his legacy. Some people forgot about you effortlessly grabbing huge second-chance boards and relentlessly feeding Luc Longley in the post (thank god that is not true). He established himself as one of the most versatile players in NBA history. Pippen was the all-inclusive drink deal of professional basketball in the 1990's. You can drink Bombay and Tonics until you don't know your social security number (or ATM pin) when drinks are free, but as soon as you lose Pippen, or start having to pay full price for drinks, you're constantly getting free refills on your Diet Coke because you don't want to throw away next months rent. People took Pippen for granted. Phil Jackson did, Jerry Krause did, even Jordan did. The truth is, Scottie's one of the fifty best ever, and he deserves to have that legacy. Not some penny pushing, ingenuous Small Forward who just happened to have the best player who ever lived fall into his lap and get handed 6 rings like he was a cashier at a Cash for Gold resale shop.

Speaking of Jordan, I'm not sure that when Jordan inducts Pippen into the hall as his guest speaker next week, if he will indulge us with another Kenny Powers-esque self-loathing rant, or reiterate the sentiments laid out to you in this article. Either way, Scottie should be remembered for the good things he did for the bulls and the "hammer and nail" attitude he brought toward building their dynasty. And of course, for having humongous facial features that made the job of the caricature artists at Great America extremely easy. Enjoy your ceremony Scottie, just tip your valet guy when you get there.

As for pick of the day, after watching the Cincinnati Reds roll through the North Side of town making the Cubs look like the Rockford Peaches (Rosie O'Donnel included), the Pulse Man is going to take the Reds after they dropped their own series opener Monday against the Cardinals. He likes John "Chili con" Cueto to win on the moneyline at (-130). He needs this one because he's sitting at (8-8) right now so he will undoubtedly be sitting in his parents living room hitting refresh on the Reds website like some 14 waiting for the welivetogether.com (no, I'm not gonna link that perv) site to boot up. Let's all hope it's a blowout, right Pauly D?

Pick of the Day: Reds @ Cardinals- moneyline REDS (-130)

Record :(8-8-0)

Private Parts

In today's NCAA landscape, there are private schools across the country that are vying for national championship trophies in their respective sports. For proof, we have to look no further than 2009. A year in which we saw Duke (private) play Butler (private)in the most Caucasian laden NCAA championship game we will ever see unless Edward Norton's character from American History X inexplicably becomes head of the tournament selection committee. Moreover, in football, Texas Christian University finished in the top 5 of the BCS standings for the first time in their school's history. I guess Chicago sports fans are going to have to learn to gain a heavy interest in the Northwestern's Womens Lacrosse dynasty (woof), because that's the only Chicagoland University sport that has won anything notable in the past 10 years. I'm happy that the Northwestern has something, I really am. But Womens Lacrosse brings in about just as much revenue as the school would make hiring New York from Flavor of Love to make cold calls for donations to the school's alumni. With that being said, Northwestern at least has something to call their own. The only thing DePaul calls themselves is "last in the Big East" in just about every sport that they participate in athletically, particularly Mens Basketball.

In 2009, DePaul went 0-18 in the Big East and what's left of Blue Demon supporters insisted that the blame should be shouldered by Jerry Wainwright, who coincidentally happens to be identical to the principal in the Breakfast Club. No one man should be responsible for 18 consecutive losses. No matter how many mafia affixed delinquents in pinstriped suits sat in section 113 and screamed "You're done here Jerrrrryyyyyyyyy!!!" like he owed them 100 lbs. of capicola while they beat their fists in their palms like they're going to wack him in his post-game press conference, it wasn't all his fault. DePaul basketball had hit rock bottom, and everyone involved was mutually responsible. Wainwright does deserve some blame, he let recruits like Jerrel McNeal flee to Big East rival Marquette and even got a decommitment from Cully Payne, who found Iowa to be a better fit. Really? He lost a recruiting battle to Todd LickLiter and Iowa?!? The same guy who could barely get his maladroit son, Little John Lickliter to commit to be a Hawkeye? How this all transpired so fast from the Quentin Richardson era I'll never know, but it happened as fast as the uttering of possible side effects at the end of an Immodium ad. But the Demons had a chance to get on track again when they fired Wainwright and searched for a new face for their program. It's easy to see that DePaul's biggest recruiting coup is the city of Chicago, and they needed to put their inability to recruit the city in the past behind them, and hire someone who could get kids from the 312 to want to come to DePaul. Isiah Thomas could have worked, he would have kept DePaul administration sweating like an extra in A Time To Kill hoping that he wouldn't commit a recruiting violation, but there is no doubt that Chicago kids would have joined his camp. Equally as dangerous but similarly as rewarding would have been the hire of Memphis Assistant Coach Rod Strickland, who was a once a star at DePaul himself and acquired just enough grease off of John Calipari's hair to make DePaul meaningful in the Big East with some big-wheel recruits. Still, with the possibility to resurrect the Basketball program tempting them like a plate of Red Lobster's cheddar-baked biscuits in front of Tony Siragusa, they declined and took the well-lit city street instead of the shortcut through the back alley of Cabrini Green.

If you look at 2009-2010's AP All-American team, you will see a collection of talented basketball stars, a group of which hail from the same area of OUR state. However, Evan Turner, Jon Scheyer, Jacob Pullen and Sherron Collins all chose to attend a school that is a far cry from the rumble of the Armitage Brown Line stop where DePaul's campus sits. Perhaps the newly hired Oliver Purnell will bring an excitement to DePaul basketball that we haven't seen since Q and Bobby Simmons used to sell out the Rosemont Horizon against Cincinnati. Perhaps he could start a winning tradition that could pursue DePaul students to sit in traffic for an hour on the Kennedy Expressway to attend a game against Marquette on a Tuesday night. Or, perhaps Gerard Butler will win an Oscar for his role in The Bounty Hunter, Ron Santo will win the Chicago Marathon in record time, and ESPN personality Woody Paige will marry Lindsay Lohan in a closed ceremony at the Century Regional Detention Center (come on, that's funny).

As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man had a lot to say after last night's betting debacle. He affirmed to me that yesterday's pick was not entirely thought out as he completely forgot how bad the Brewers bullpen was. He also reiterated that they have LaTroy Hawkins under contract(a perfectly viable reason not to bet on them),and that he doesn't care "how fast his Coffey comes" as long as it doesn't give up 3 run homers. Although Soriano was the only Cub without a hit going into the 8th inning and made us think we had a chance at winning--like contestant 29 on the premiere of the Ochocinco show. Either way, we lost and are looking to the Phillies and Marlins (and Scott Stapp of course) to get us back on track today by combining for under 8.5 runs at (-115).

Pick of the Day: Phillies vs. Marlins- UNDER 8.5 (-115)

RECORD:(8-7-0)

A Bearable Parable?

A parable is defined in the dictionary as a short moral story usually involving animal characters. In this case, the Bears players will act as the "animal characters", or in Layman's terms, there will be no Air Bud or MVP: Most Valuable Primate references in this blog (I guess that already is one). In other words, the Bears signing of Jay Cutler in 2009 proved to be quite the moral story. The moral of course being, don't put all your eggs in the primadonna, discreetly chubby, franchise quarterback's basket. Nonetheless, Jay Cutler has potential, that much is inevitable based on his pro bowl season in Denver. Even if he's spotted at Hub 51 slamming gin coolers until 5 am on a Saturday night, I'd rather have him under center than: Shane Matthews, Jim Miller, Cade McNown, Moses Moreno, Erik Kramer, or any other ineffectual Bear quarterback of the past 2 decades. The exception of course, in this case, is facial hair extraordinaire (a little assonance for the critics), Kyle Orton. Orton brought his blue-collar "I'm hungover on Sundays" work ethic to the gridiron and remained to be relatively effective and notably consistent during his tenure in Chicago. Whatever your opinion of Orton may be, it is hard to refute that he was always tolerable, never masterful, and in the end, Bears management deemed him to be replaceable. However when Cutler came to town, McCaskey was about to give him a property share of McCormick Place like some sort of real life enactment of the Chicago edition of Monopoly. Instead, Cutler had a frustrating year throwing to a receiving core that had comparable talent to a 4A Illinois state semi-finalist while resembling a bizarro, bloated Brett Favre in the process. Except of course Cutler hasn't won 3 MVP's,a Super Bowl, or popped pain pills like Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line. For Cutler's sophomore campaign as a Bear to be a little more successful, and the moral of this extensive parable to be more conciliating for Bear fans, a few question marks must fall into place perfectly after swirling around in the Chicago area wind this summer.

HE NEEDS PEOPLE TO THROW TO. Sure, Devin Hester and Johnny Knox are fast and coincide easily with the cliche tag-line "Not even Cutler can overthrow them." But, they need at least a few years to develop into actual pass-catchers and escape the identity that has preceded them by the character of Clifford Franklin in Keanu Reeve's quotable sports film, The Replacements. I understand that Devin Hester retains information like a strainer retains water. But still, enroll Jay Cutler in an introductory Ebonics course at Roosevelt University downtown so he can at least communicate with Hester on a conversational level. As for the tight end, they are as imperative to a quarterback's red zone success as much as Red Zone deodorant has been crucial to Brian Urlacher's success. Remember how Favre and Chmura connected for 7 TD's in 1995 before Chmura found it to be a better idea to get into a hot tub with the 17 year old, provocative babysitter of his young children (weird story). Kerry Collins turned Wesley Walls into an actual tight end and not some guy who people stumbled upon accidentally when they googled Wesley Willis. Greg Olsen could become the next premiere tight end in the NFC if we stop him from being featured on tracks by the 7th Floor Crew (his rap group at Miami) and playing so much damn sand volleyball on North Beach. Lastly, we all have heard of the lovable mad-scientist Mike Martz in St. Louis with the "greatest show on turf". However, he also taught us that you cannot paint a masterpiece with a paintbrush you got for 20% off at Sherwin-Williams. You need the pieces, and the Lions made Mike Martz's offense look as scrambled and misplaced as Matt Stafford's adult film VHS collection in his studio loft in Motown.

HE NEEDS A SOLID AND HEALTHY D. With the addition of Julius Peppers, we will soon find out if "Orange (and blue) Julius" is as menacing to quarterbacks as advertised or if he was simply overrated because he was the only player on the Carolina Panthers that we knew by name. Either way, add a healthy Tommie Harris and you have a defensive line that could reek havoc on NFC North quarterbacks. If the Bears can keep a healthy secondary and Lance Briggs can attack the passer like Snooki attacks Angelina in the kitchen of their house on the Jersey Shore, things could be looking up for the Bears D. Also, Urlacher being healthy gives him another season to prove that he is: A) not a neo-nazi off the field, but makes tackles like he is possessed by some sort of hateful motive, and B)won't be the NFL's "most overrated player" in 2011, which is seeming to become an annual occurrence. Enter "Roasted and Salted" Peanut Tillman having a good year into the mix and the possibility of another young DB (DJ Moore, Corey Graham)coming into their own and the "Monsters of the Midway" have the possibility regaining their old form.

HE NEEDS A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK. When the Bears won the division and made the playoffs with a 13-3 record in 2001, they were without a doubt the luckiest team in the NFL. For this season to be a successful one, the Bears need to stay relatively healthy, and have a few of Cutler's arid tipped passes to find the cold, Soldier Field turf rather than the hands of opposing DB's. They have already received a little nod from the gods with the apparent retirement of Brett Favre. Let's be honest, the Vikings won't go anywhere with a quarterback named after a watered-down, gray/green color--like Sage Rosenfels. All we need now is another Loveboat scandal equipped with sex, drugs, and those seasickness prevention bracelets and the Vikings and Lions will be battling for that cellar spot in the NFC North. The Bears have a legitimate opportunity to win 6 out of their first 8 with opponents like Detroit, Carolina, Seattle, Washington, Buffalo and New York on their schedule. If they get off to a good start and good things start to snowball, Jay Cutler could become Chicago's new Patrick Kane-- a lovable, drunken, winner. I guess his comb-over just lends him to a more emo fan base.

So, in the end, for the moral of this story to be positive and we can look back at the Cutler trade with similar endearment as the Rodman pick up, or the move to take Darren Jackson out of the White Sox television booth. Either way, this year will tell a lot about the future of Jay Cutler. Whether he proves to be a "cut" above the rest, or starts to "cut" himself like some deranged centerpiece on MTV's Teen Mom.

As for Pick of the Day, Pulse Man fell off his high horse last night as the Royals stunned him by coming through for their 6th win of the season. So with last night's loss, he finds himself at 8-6, and if this were the NFC playoff picture for the Bears, he might be having to hold his breath. However, he still controls his own destiny for tonight and will be picking another player prop since he is undefeated in that category. He likes Prince Fielder to have more hits, runs and RBI's than the Cubs sputtering, spanglish-speaking right fielder, Alfonso Soriano in the Cubs/Brewers matinee series finale.

PICK OF THE DAY: Brewers@Cubs Player Prop: Combined Hits, Runs and RBI's.
PICK:FIELDER (-120)

RECORD:(8-6-0)

Where Have All The Cub-boys Gone?

"Where is my John Wayne,
Where is my prairie song,
Where is my happy ending,
Where have all the cowboys gone?" Paula Cole, 2001

2001 was a great year, maybe the best of years. I was a 13 year old 7th grader fully clad in "AF-1892" gear, equipped with a choker-style, pooka shell necklace and the notion that Rob Thomas was a reasonably good recording artist. It really is amazing what nearly ten years can do. Still, 9 years ago the Cubs were relatively in the same position they are now. Stuck in the muddle of losing games and sub-par seasons with possibly the most marketable and lucrative franchise in pro sports, searching for that elusive pennant. As we entered the new millenium (or should i say, Willenium), Cub fans latched on to a ray of hope that some analysts called the best draft class the Cubs had ever seen. The first year player entry draft is the ultimate crapshoot in pro sports--drafting dominican, japanese, and venezuelan prospects, not to mention your average 18 year old domestic, high school graduate who still rocks braces. Nevertheless, there was something special about this draft class from top to bottom. Anchored by the flawless mechanics and horse-like lower body of Mark Prior, the Cubs had their ace of the future. No one, not even the pessimistic minded North Side faithful could foresee the tragic casualties of this draft as each player left the team in search for greener pastures, and a chance to at least have a shot at winning something.

First, the most recent 2001 draftee to be shipped out of town--Ryan Theriot. As I personally wept because I no longer have the Cubs jersey of an active player, Theriot happily packed his Samsonites and moved out west to LA to chase bimbos with Brody Jenner. After establishing himself as the Cubs' most consistent hit-for-average guy in the past 3 years, at the first sign of struggle, Jim Hendry gave him a $200 gift card to Sunglass Hut and sent him and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (real name) to the contending Dodgers for Blake DeWitt. Money-saving deal...maybe, giving away your most consistent leadoff bat and a crafty left-handed journeyman starter who is arguably the Cubs' most consistent starter (who else would you say?) is a difficult deal to swallow. Maybe even more so for a Theriot jersey owner. With all that being said, Theriot must return his "Free Sangria for Life" coupon to Bar Celona in Lakeview and leave his 2nd base position and Remington MB-9000 High-Precision Beard and Mustache Trimmer to two of the worst major league baseball players in the live ball era--Jeff Baker and Mike Fontenot.

Next, you know that guy who plays shortstop for the Cardinals who looks like he got his hair cut by those mini Fiskars scissors you buy in a 5th grade school supplies kit? You may or may not recognize that player as former Cubs draft pick, Khalil Greene. Had Khalil ever been called up to the big club, you might have found him on the corner of Armitage Ave. selling drug rugs or quitting baseball altogether to open up his own Ron Jon Surf Shop in Bridgeport. In the end, the Cubs realized that Khalil Greene would be nothing more than a prototypical mid-80's shortstop that would be a career .230 hitter and opted to hold onto Alex Gonzalez, who proceeded to boot the Cubs' pennant dreams into right field along with that inning ending double-play ball in Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. So, he was moved to San Diego for a few prospects and a bootlegged copy of the bonus tracks on Jack Johnson's first CD.

Then, we have the always unpredictable arm of Sergio Mitre (pronounced Meat-Tray) who consistently served up meat (no pun intended) to every division foe for the better part of 4 years. He has now caught on with the Yankees and is in the hunt for a World Series ring this October. However, I have never underestimated Sergio Mitre's impact on my life as it has given me the opportunity to say "Oh, you brought Sergio along? How long can he go today?" every time I see a young couple bring a meat and cheese antipasto tray to a graduation/birthday party.

Lastly, we have the highly touted and 2001 first round draft pick of the Chicago Cubs: Mark Prior. We thought he would last forever based on his calves that looked like they were massaged with fabricated milk on a daily basis, and his blazing fastball that carried the Cubs to the 2003 NLCS. Little did we know, he was simply the poster child pitcher of the steroid era and now his calves have shriveled up to the same size as Nicole Richie's thighs. Prior looked like he was in stride to become the next Roger Clemens for the Cubs. Then, a quirky, nerd, ad executive named Steve Bartman decided to pay $250 for a single lower level seat, dress in a turtleneck like it's 1994, and bring a walkman to the game so he could listen to Ron Santo's insightful analysis?!? Only the Cubs. Prior to this (no pun intended, once again), nobody had envisioned Prior would be splitting rent with a 28 year old, divorced mother of 3 in an apartment in rural San Diego. I can just see him wearing his old Cubs bullpen jacket and wrapping his arm in an icy hot sleeve after he paints their bonus room. What a travesty.

The only player left from this 2001 draft class is Geo Soto, the incompetent catcher whose haircut lends itself to a Mexican version of Boy Meets World's Sean Hunter. After a promising rookie of the year campaign in 2008 at the ripe old age of 28, he has disappointed the Cubs with his weight-loss (who wants a skinny catcher?), sub .270 batting average, and choice of decent catcher's gear. This isn't Star Wars soto, get a clue.


As for pick of the day, the Pulse Man endorses the sure right arm of Oakland's Vin Mazzaro against the lowly Kansas City Royals and their refurbished Bullpen due to recent injuries and trades. He likes them winning by more than 1.5, so don't waste your nickles and dimes on the moneyline. Also, props to Pulse Man for correctly calling the pick of the day yesterday as he reiterated his hatred for Randy "Marlboro Red" Wells as he imploded once again in the Cubs pathetic 18-1 loss to their division rival. It simply wasn't posted because there was no blog.

Pick of the Day: Kansas City Royals @ Oakland A's- A'S (-1.5) (+115)

Record: (8-5-0) 6 out of his last 7 if you're keeping track