Dream Scheme

Just when we thought Kobe had it figured out. He had learned to deflect every Jordan comparison and simulatneously revelled in LeBron's villainous reputation. Sprite had finally been suppressed as Sierra Mist monopolized the "uncola" market, and people had over time began to comparmentalize the phrase "rapist" behind "one of the best ever" in their own hippocampus. That may have been unfair. What happened in Colorado Springs that fateful summer in 2003 is all a bit hazy--to us, to Kobe, to the 19-year-old accuser--all seemingly because Rachel Nichols covered the story and nobody could stand to watch the coverage.

I'm sure pro athletes get asked a lot of questions by media outlets, and of course, some are more menaingful and relevant than the rest. Still, part of these athletes' jobs is to not make themselves sound like Michael Kidd-Gilchrist on Draft Night (fast-forward to 2:30); that's why they hire publicists, right? Apparently, Kobe, a seasoned veteran of the professional sports world in his own right, had either forgotten about the far-reaching effect of each soundbite he produces or had done a copious amount of LSD before he said: "I think our Dream Team could beat the Dream Team," which prompted swift responses from Jordan and Larry, who were considerably offended by Kobe's call out. Calling out Jordan is like taking a girl out on a first date to get chicken wings: it's a death wish that ends up slopppily with no success.

Kobe's comments couldn't have come at a worse time. In the wake of NBATV's spectacular documentary narrated by none other than Eddie Burns, formerly of The Brothers McMullen, the Dream Team proved to be one of the most dominant teams ever put together...in anything. Yes, more so than a 20-year old Danny Almonte throwing darts passed 5th graders; more so than Wilt "The Stilt" dropping a cool triple digits on his oppnonent and then proceeding to sleep with the same infinite amount of women after the game. The Dream Team had 11 Hall of Famers and a cast member from Six Feet Under (Christian Laettner). They won their contests by an average of nearly 44 points a game, and it didn't matter who started. Jordan was the only player to start every game for the gold medalist squad of the 1992 Barcelona Games. Imagine: Magic, Stockton, Barkley, Pippen, Ewing, Malone, Bird, The Admiral, Clyde, and Mullin. As the then Cuban coach so aptly put it after a 79-point loss to the Red, White and Blue, "You can't cover the sun with your finger."

Kobe's rationale in speaking his mind was that he thought the Dream Team was "old", and at the tail end of their careers. In reality, after watching last night's Olympic tune-up against the Dominican Republic, I would rather have any of the 12 Dream Teamers today--including Christian Laettner, Jordan in an atrocious outfit, Magic with a deadly African-borne virus, Patrick Ewing out of a Snickers commercial, or Scottie off the cast of Basketball Wives--over James Harden throwing up airbanks like a high-school sophomore trying to earn his keep in a Saturday morning JV game. The current Olympic team went 13-33 from behind the 3 point line. The most telling, and subsequently most pathetic part about that stat is that they shot 33 3-pointers against a smaller, weaker, Division-2 caliber Dominican Republic squad.

That's all I had to see of this year's team to side with Jordan over Kobe in this squabble, but let's run through some matchups just to see how lopsided this competition would be.

Matchups-

The Easy Ones

Magic/Lebron- both oversized ball-handlers who make the NBA floor look like a 7 foot Brunswick pool table. In a perfect world, we would get to see such a great matchup.

Jordan/Kobe (or Carmelo)- As good as Jordan was, Kobe is pretty good in international competition himself. They have similar playing styles and I feel like some great trash talk would ensue here between 2 of the 5 best players ever.

Pippen/Durant (or Carmelo)- I feel Pip would start here simply to guard Durant. Durant is, of course, a surplus shooter and would get his points, but Pip would make him work to get over half-corut without the ball. This, in my opinion, would be the most exciting matchup to watch. The still-developing scoring wonderkin vs. arguably the longest, most athletic, ugliest player of an NBA generation.

Where Things Get Dicey

If the '12 Olympians start Chris Paul, would the Dream Team start Stockton? If so, I really don't see a problem there. Again, Hall of Famer who is the NBA all-time leader in assists and steals. I'll take my chances.

What will the '12 Olympians do with 40 minutes (Olympic regulation length) of Barkley and Malone, two of the strongest, most brute forces in NBA history? Kevin Love? As Jerry would say when George wants to be his latex salesman, "I don't think so."

As if Barkley and Malone weren't already too much in the post, throw in the Admiral and Patrick Chewing--two 7-foot shotblockers who also had great success finishing around the rim. As good as Anthony Davis will be in a half-decade, not even Ramon Rivas' unibrow can save you here, young grasshopper.

Bench

I already mentioned Harden's ineptitude. The fact that he's being mentioned in the same breath as the talent on either roster perplexes me. Same goes for Andre Igulodoga. He hasn't even made an NBA All-Star Team yet. He did recieve votes for the 2010-2011 All NBA Defensive Team, though.

Wait, the Dream Team has a combined 17 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Awards. Boom, roasted.

The fact of the matter is that this game will never happen unless we're cloning NBA Hall of Famers like Dolly the Sheep circa 2020. Still, as 50 Cent says, "You shouldn't throw stones if you live in a glass house," and one thing I would never want to do is rattle the cage of these animals. You'll never make it out alive.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes the Rays over the Red Sox at home in the juicebox at (-101). Stay tuned for a special Monday blog as Ryan "Little League" Lindo (@RyanCLindo) venture to Wrigley to watch the Cubs' dispicable roster take on the Arizona Diamondbacks with 2 players to be named later. Should be an interesting journal.

Pick of the Day: Red Sox @ Rays (-101)- RAYS

Record: (64-53-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me.

Frost

Pippen Aint Easy

As I watched a late-night NBATV special last night documenting Scottie Pippen's career as he is now being inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame soon, I realized two things: 1) how under-appreciated Pippen was considering the amount of intangibles he contributed to the Bulls empire in the 1990's, and 2)he exhibits less voice inflection in interviews than Ben Stein. In fact, I am convinced that if Pippen taught Consumer Economics at my high school, I definitely wouldn't have graduated and would probably be pedaling Dum Dums suckers for nickels and dimes outside Ogilvy Train Station. Regardless, for some reason people tend to scrutinize "Pip" (not the character from Great Expectations) for a variety of reasons. I don't know how this rumor possibly spread throughout the entire city limits of Chicago, but he is almost always castigated by Chicago civilians and referred to as "No Tippin Pippen". Did every Bulls fan from 1991-1998 tend bar at LaSalle Power Company for an extended period of time to learn this information? I even heard once that Pippen and his wife would rent outfits from expensive department stores downtown only to return them the next day. If this is true, I wouldn't be so much disgusted with Pip as I would be applauding Scottie's frugality. He was just giving that outfit a "test-drive" and it didn't flatter is 6'9'' figure. When you're 6'9'' and have to buy tailored suits, you have the right to make fun of him. If not, go back to Jos A. Bank with your coworkers on your lunch break and raid the clearance rack during the 2 for 1 dress shirt sale--because that's not being cheap, right?.

Also, people knock Scottie for "taking himself out" when the Zen master opted to let Kukoc take the final shot against the Knicks in 1994 (a shot Kukoc made). Scottie got pissed, overreacted, and threw a hissy fit and people have always chastised him and questioned his loyalty as a teammate to the Bulls. This was Pippen's one lump on his legacy. Some people forgot about you effortlessly grabbing huge second-chance boards and relentlessly feeding Luc Longley in the post (thank god that is not true). He established himself as one of the most versatile players in NBA history. Pippen was the all-inclusive drink deal of professional basketball in the 1990's. You can drink Bombay and Tonics until you don't know your social security number (or ATM pin) when drinks are free, but as soon as you lose Pippen, or start having to pay full price for drinks, you're constantly getting free refills on your Diet Coke because you don't want to throw away next months rent. People took Pippen for granted. Phil Jackson did, Jerry Krause did, even Jordan did. The truth is, Scottie's one of the fifty best ever, and he deserves to have that legacy. Not some penny pushing, ingenuous Small Forward who just happened to have the best player who ever lived fall into his lap and get handed 6 rings like he was a cashier at a Cash for Gold resale shop.

Speaking of Jordan, I'm not sure that when Jordan inducts Pippen into the hall as his guest speaker next week, if he will indulge us with another Kenny Powers-esque self-loathing rant, or reiterate the sentiments laid out to you in this article. Either way, Scottie should be remembered for the good things he did for the bulls and the "hammer and nail" attitude he brought toward building their dynasty. And of course, for having humongous facial features that made the job of the caricature artists at Great America extremely easy. Enjoy your ceremony Scottie, just tip your valet guy when you get there.

As for pick of the day, after watching the Cincinnati Reds roll through the North Side of town making the Cubs look like the Rockford Peaches (Rosie O'Donnel included), the Pulse Man is going to take the Reds after they dropped their own series opener Monday against the Cardinals. He likes John "Chili con" Cueto to win on the moneyline at (-130). He needs this one because he's sitting at (8-8) right now so he will undoubtedly be sitting in his parents living room hitting refresh on the Reds website like some 14 waiting for the welivetogether.com (no, I'm not gonna link that perv) site to boot up. Let's all hope it's a blowout, right Pauly D?

Pick of the Day: Reds @ Cardinals- moneyline REDS (-130)

Record :(8-8-0)