Well, what we all were afraid of is inching closer and closer to actualization. At the end of the preseason when the Bears sent Dan LeFevour off into the most Twiiter friendly locker room in professional sports with the Cincinatti Bengals, and consequently signed the aging fossil that is Tom Collins, who weirdly enough sports a Fossil Textured Blue-to-Mirror Dial Watch, I knew the Bears were flirting with disaster. One big hit, one freak injury, one diabetic flare-up and Jay Cutler would be sent to the sidelines and in would jog Todd Collins and every clueless, female Bears fan would ask "Is that the detective from CSI: Miami?" and every male would respond, "Nope, that's Todd "f*%@-ing Collins, our new quarterback!" weeping with his head in his hands. The Bears knew what they were getting with Todd, a perennial backup quarterback who they wouldn't have to mature into the NFL lifestyle, because he did that himself as a rookie in 1995 when "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was being recorded onto cassette tapes all over the United States. But, through all of this, he is now our starting quarterback in possibly the most vulnerable position of the season for the Bears. They play a desperate 0-4 team with a rookie QB and nothing to lose. The same team that came within 3 minutes of beating the defending Super Bowl Champs and "Brees-us" (as in Jesus) just a week ago.
There are 3 possible scenarios for how this game could turn out, and with the spirit of the Collins surname in mind, I decided to correlate each of the 3 possible ways this game could unfold with one of Phil Collins' 3 most popular singles. The vexing, ominous tale of a man who witnesses a murder in "In the Air Tonight", the how am I possibly enjoying this but I can't stop dancing "Sussudio", and the remake of the classic Supreme's hit single "You Can't Hurry Love" which has a joyful rhythm and chorus, but the lyrics impart that we should practice elementary virtues like patience and compromise (who does that?).
First, and what is likely to be the most realistic, Collins' performance in Carolina Sunday could give us the feel of a graveyard undertaker like "In the Air Tonight". His eerie lyrics and constant repetition of the phrase "oh lorrrrrrd" could represent the feelings of Bear fans everywhere whenever Collins drops back to pass on both of his surgically repaired legs Sunday afternoon. There has always been a certain ambiguity about this Phil Collins hit. In fact, its popularity possibly stemmed from the ambiguity of the lyrics and is likely a representation of a murder. If Collins' appearance last week could be described as anything, I would venture to say it represents a murder. And for those 10 seconds in which he lied there motionless on the turf after the Giants D end nearly ended his playing career last week are any indication of things to come, let's all prepare for...(gulp) a murder.
Telling Lyric: "So you can wipe of that grin, I know where you've been, it's all a pack of lies" Phil Collins 'In the Air Tonight'
But, you never know. The Panthers are 0-4 for a reason--they suck. No doubt about it. The 'Matt Moore Experiment' which sounds like a pilot for ABC family coming up next fall in which a veteran coach and a new girlfriend try to jump-start a terrible QB's career was a calamity in every sense of the word. The Jimmy Clausen era has gotten an early start in Charlotte but still hasn't yielded a win for the desperate Panthers. So, in facing an average defense and winless group in Carolina, Todd Collins can go out there and sling the ball around and have some fun without the thought of breaking his neck, or his ex-wife being in the lower section giving secrets of his lack of sexual endowment to die-hard Panther fans (if they even exist). Todd Collins' performance can somehow resemble the playful Phil Collins hit, "Sussudio", a song about chasing around a young woman and catching that 'lightning in a bottle' that has eluded Todd Collins for his entire career. Maybe Sunday's game will inject the youth back into the geezer that Todd Collins has become. Maybe.
Telling Lyric: "I've just got to have her, have her now, I've got to get close but I don't know how" Phil Collins, "Sussudio"
And lastly, it is also entirely possible that Collins has a modest performance in which he neither wins, nor loses the game for the Bears, but the Bears come up on the short of the proverbial stick. Maybe Collins puts up Cutler-esque numbers, but also makes some Cutler-like mistakes in the process leaving us feeling like we just ordered a Coke that tastes an awful lot like RC Cola. Sometimes remakes are good, but rarely if ever are they as good as the original (except in the case of Joni Mitchell's 'Big Yellow Taxi'--that song is pure noise and the remake is well, good). But, in this case I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the Supremes, Phil. Your remake was decent, but in the end nobody wants to hear a guy say "You just have to wait, love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take". Those are girls lyrics plain and simple, and in the end, Todd Collins belongs on the Chicago Bliss of the Lingerie Football league, not the Chicago Bears.
I hope I don't have to see the clock wind down on Sunday and see an indifferent Lovie Smith as Clausen parades around the sidelines with a game ball, receiving hugs and pounds from his teammates while he pre-orders rounds of shots for his O-line at the bar down the street from the stadium. I really hope I don't have to see that, but it's a very distinct possibility.
As for Pick of the Day, the jury is still out on the Rays/Rangers game 2 but at the time of this post, the Rangers are up 6-0. So, trying to get a win for the day, the Pulse Man will ride with the Sox's division rival Twins getting a win at home against the Yanks tonight. The Twins are home dogs at (+107) but I know some friends from college at the game so I'll give the Twinks the benefit of the doubt.
Pick of the Day: Yankees @ Twins- Twins, moneyline (+107)
Record: (23-16-0)
Now I'm done. Rack me
Frost
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