Dream Scheme

Just when we thought Kobe had it figured out. He had learned to deflect every Jordan comparison and simulatneously revelled in LeBron's villainous reputation. Sprite had finally been suppressed as Sierra Mist monopolized the "uncola" market, and people had over time began to comparmentalize the phrase "rapist" behind "one of the best ever" in their own hippocampus. That may have been unfair. What happened in Colorado Springs that fateful summer in 2003 is all a bit hazy--to us, to Kobe, to the 19-year-old accuser--all seemingly because Rachel Nichols covered the story and nobody could stand to watch the coverage.

I'm sure pro athletes get asked a lot of questions by media outlets, and of course, some are more menaingful and relevant than the rest. Still, part of these athletes' jobs is to not make themselves sound like Michael Kidd-Gilchrist on Draft Night (fast-forward to 2:30); that's why they hire publicists, right? Apparently, Kobe, a seasoned veteran of the professional sports world in his own right, had either forgotten about the far-reaching effect of each soundbite he produces or had done a copious amount of LSD before he said: "I think our Dream Team could beat the Dream Team," which prompted swift responses from Jordan and Larry, who were considerably offended by Kobe's call out. Calling out Jordan is like taking a girl out on a first date to get chicken wings: it's a death wish that ends up slopppily with no success.

Kobe's comments couldn't have come at a worse time. In the wake of NBATV's spectacular documentary narrated by none other than Eddie Burns, formerly of The Brothers McMullen, the Dream Team proved to be one of the most dominant teams ever put together...in anything. Yes, more so than a 20-year old Danny Almonte throwing darts passed 5th graders; more so than Wilt "The Stilt" dropping a cool triple digits on his oppnonent and then proceeding to sleep with the same infinite amount of women after the game. The Dream Team had 11 Hall of Famers and a cast member from Six Feet Under (Christian Laettner). They won their contests by an average of nearly 44 points a game, and it didn't matter who started. Jordan was the only player to start every game for the gold medalist squad of the 1992 Barcelona Games. Imagine: Magic, Stockton, Barkley, Pippen, Ewing, Malone, Bird, The Admiral, Clyde, and Mullin. As the then Cuban coach so aptly put it after a 79-point loss to the Red, White and Blue, "You can't cover the sun with your finger."

Kobe's rationale in speaking his mind was that he thought the Dream Team was "old", and at the tail end of their careers. In reality, after watching last night's Olympic tune-up against the Dominican Republic, I would rather have any of the 12 Dream Teamers today--including Christian Laettner, Jordan in an atrocious outfit, Magic with a deadly African-borne virus, Patrick Ewing out of a Snickers commercial, or Scottie off the cast of Basketball Wives--over James Harden throwing up airbanks like a high-school sophomore trying to earn his keep in a Saturday morning JV game. The current Olympic team went 13-33 from behind the 3 point line. The most telling, and subsequently most pathetic part about that stat is that they shot 33 3-pointers against a smaller, weaker, Division-2 caliber Dominican Republic squad.

That's all I had to see of this year's team to side with Jordan over Kobe in this squabble, but let's run through some matchups just to see how lopsided this competition would be.

Matchups-

The Easy Ones

Magic/Lebron- both oversized ball-handlers who make the NBA floor look like a 7 foot Brunswick pool table. In a perfect world, we would get to see such a great matchup.

Jordan/Kobe (or Carmelo)- As good as Jordan was, Kobe is pretty good in international competition himself. They have similar playing styles and I feel like some great trash talk would ensue here between 2 of the 5 best players ever.

Pippen/Durant (or Carmelo)- I feel Pip would start here simply to guard Durant. Durant is, of course, a surplus shooter and would get his points, but Pip would make him work to get over half-corut without the ball. This, in my opinion, would be the most exciting matchup to watch. The still-developing scoring wonderkin vs. arguably the longest, most athletic, ugliest player of an NBA generation.

Where Things Get Dicey

If the '12 Olympians start Chris Paul, would the Dream Team start Stockton? If so, I really don't see a problem there. Again, Hall of Famer who is the NBA all-time leader in assists and steals. I'll take my chances.

What will the '12 Olympians do with 40 minutes (Olympic regulation length) of Barkley and Malone, two of the strongest, most brute forces in NBA history? Kevin Love? As Jerry would say when George wants to be his latex salesman, "I don't think so."

As if Barkley and Malone weren't already too much in the post, throw in the Admiral and Patrick Chewing--two 7-foot shotblockers who also had great success finishing around the rim. As good as Anthony Davis will be in a half-decade, not even Ramon Rivas' unibrow can save you here, young grasshopper.

Bench

I already mentioned Harden's ineptitude. The fact that he's being mentioned in the same breath as the talent on either roster perplexes me. Same goes for Andre Igulodoga. He hasn't even made an NBA All-Star Team yet. He did recieve votes for the 2010-2011 All NBA Defensive Team, though.

Wait, the Dream Team has a combined 17 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Awards. Boom, roasted.

The fact of the matter is that this game will never happen unless we're cloning NBA Hall of Famers like Dolly the Sheep circa 2020. Still, as 50 Cent says, "You shouldn't throw stones if you live in a glass house," and one thing I would never want to do is rattle the cage of these animals. You'll never make it out alive.

As for Pick of the Day, the Pulse Man likes the Rays over the Red Sox at home in the juicebox at (-101). Stay tuned for a special Monday blog as Ryan "Little League" Lindo (@RyanCLindo) venture to Wrigley to watch the Cubs' dispicable roster take on the Arizona Diamondbacks with 2 players to be named later. Should be an interesting journal.

Pick of the Day: Red Sox @ Rays (-101)- RAYS

Record: (64-53-0)

Now I'm done. Rack me.

Frost